Please can someone grade this GCSE English answer?

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nopenopeokay
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‘Cars are noisy, dirty, smelly and downright dangerous.
They should be banned from all town and city centres,
allowing people to walk and cycle in peace.’

Q5: Based on what you have read in the Sources, and what you know about traffic…
Write a letter to the Minister for Transport arguing your point of view on this statement.






Dear Minister of Transport,
I firmly believe that towns and city centres should be a place that works well for everybody, maintaining a safe and harmonious environment is a necessity to ensure that stakeholders, such as customers to businesses and residents to accommodation, find the area a joyous place to visit and reside.
However, I vehemently oppose the notion of banning cars in the town centre. The prohibition of cars would spell disaster for our already dwindling local economy, it would oust a large proportion of businesses as the vast majority of footfall is produced via cars and taxis. If stores, cafes and restaurants were less accessible, consumers would go for the more convenient option of either shopping elsewhere or ordering online.
Whilst people may argue that peace and safety is more important than money, I believe that the sharp decline in revenue that the ban would bring about, would significantly affect the mental health of business owners. Would you appreciate it if your revenue was slashed due to draconian, selfish and myopic measures being implemented? Furthermore, I am of the opinion that employees and consumers will be adversely affected by this proposal as if businesses were to close, employees would be faced with redundancy and consumers may lose essential outlets that they use to escape troubles they may have.
The idea of “allowing people to walk and cycle in peace” is highly unviable, discriminatory and ignorant. The statement fails to recognise the simple principle, not everybody can walk or cycle a short distance, let alone throughout town. It would be unequivocally and morally wrong to expect someone with a disability, such as cerebral palsy, to walk to and from town. This direct discrimination would further disadvantage some of the most vulnerable people in society.
We need to take into consideration the long term effects this will have on the local and wider community. I believe that other, less drastic measures, would be sufficient. Such as installing bollards near pedestrian walkways, introducing a congestion charge and cycle lanes. These are just a few of the many solutions which would satisfy all stakeholders.
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safaahmed33
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I think you have included a lot of good content but I would advise you that for this 40 mark question, our teacher always told us to do a 5 para plan with an introduction to state the purpose of what you're writing and your overall opinion. The other paragraphs after will be 2-3 points where you argue your point and then one paragraph as a counter argument but then relating back to your own point e.g Some people may say/ be of the opinion that ... however we must take into consideration OR it is important not to forget OR nevertheless ...
The final paragraph will be your conclusion and overall opinion and since it is a letter, you sign off with yours sincerely (as you do not know them and their name).

You have included a lot of good points however they need to be more detailed and include language devices such as discourse markers, rhetorical questions, list of three, emotive language. Also for SPAG marks, I would recommend you use a variety of punctuation like ; : ? ! ' " -

If you take my advice and add these points, I think it will be into level 5 in the band. I have attached a revision guide based on Paper 2 and if you go onto the last few pages it shows Q5 and an example as well as the devices you should be using.
Hope this helps
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superbo9y
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Hi nopenopeokay

I would give this answer 19/24 for content and organization and
14/16 for technical accuracy
so overall 33/40
[if you want more info on why i have given these marks please message me, I will happily provide more details]


Your answer is very detailed and contains a wide range of subject terminology, which i very good.
I could go on and tell you more positives about the piece, but it's more important to recognize how we can improve our answer, so that we learn and adhere to different-styled questions.

1. The introduction to an argument should be short and sharp, clearly addressing your side of the argument, and not too much to confuse the reader. Even something as simple as
"I disagree with the given statement"
would be sufficient.

2. Your very first argument should be the strongest one, as to demonstrate your critical viewpoint. It is developed a lot, however, your subject mainly addresses businessmen and women, rather than the general public, which is the key to the question. You should focus more on your target audience, as a first, and develop your ideas from there. This is very important.

3. Your final paragraph, which mentions that the statement is discriminatory, is incorrect. While it seems so, (as you have explained, e.g. people with cerebral palsy) you have failed to understand the main argument. The statement generally refers to the negative effects of cars, which disrupt the peace of the public, whether they can walk, cycle or however they travel. While it is a good developed argument, it does not address the main argument of the statement.

4. Range your sentence structure, to provide different effects. I.e. a one sentence paragraph shows the examiner you can vary sentence structure, as well as give a strong, bold viewpoint in your writing.

5. Finally, the conclusion to this statement is missing. This should, instead, end with a strong summary of your main points, and 'leave the reader thinking', i.e. have a strong final statement which is memorable and powerful, as if to say that you have won over the argument, and have written an effective piece of writing.

You have a lot of good inferences and language techniques, which like i mentioned earlier, are simply sublime. But remember that we can always get better.

The points above are only suggestions. Please do not be too critical with yourself.

Instead, be happy with your 'score' and look at ways to improve yourself, it is one of the best ways to improve your writing.
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nopenopeokay
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(Original post by superbo9y)
Hi nopenopeokay

I would give this answer 19/24 for content and organization and
14/16 for technical accuracy
so overall 33/40
[if you want more info on why i have given these marks please message me, I will happily provide more details]


Your answer is very detailed and contains a wide range of subject terminology, which i very good.
I could go on and tell you more positives about the piece, but it's more important to recognize how we can improve our answer, so that we learn and adhere to different-styled questions.

1. The introduction to an argument should be short and sharp, clearly addressing your side of the argument, and not too much to confuse the reader. Even something as simple as
"I disagree with the given statement"
would be sufficient.

2. Your very first argument should be the strongest one, as to demonstrate your critical viewpoint. It is developed a lot, however, your subject mainly addresses businessmen and women, rather than the general public, which is the key to the question. You should focus more on your target audience, as a first, and develop your ideas from there. This is very important.

3. Your final paragraph, which mentions that the statement is discriminatory, is incorrect. While it seems so, (as you have explained, e.g. people with cerebral palsy) you have failed to understand the main argument. The statement generally refers to the negative effects of cars, which disrupt the peace of the public, whether they can walk, cycle or however they travel. While it is a good developed argument, it does not address the main argument of the statement.

4. Range your sentence structure, to provide different effects. I.e. a one sentence paragraph shows the examiner you can vary sentence structure, as well as give a strong, bold viewpoint in your writing.

5. Finally, the conclusion to this statement is missing. This should, instead, end with a strong summary of your main points, and 'leave the reader thinking', i.e. have a strong final statement which is memorable and powerful, as if to say that you have won over the argument, and have written an effective piece of writing.

You have a lot of good inferences and language techniques, which like i mentioned earlier, are simply sublime. But remember that we can always get better.

The points above are only suggestions. Please do not be too critical with yourself.

Instead, be happy with your 'score' and look at ways to improve yourself, it is one of the best ways to improve your writing.
Wow! Thank you so much, I really appreciate the feedback could you please message me to explain the marks as I don’t know how to message on here haha.
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superbo9y
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(Original post by nopenopeokay)
Wow! Thank you so much, I really appreciate the feedback could you please message me to explain the marks as I don’t know how to message on here haha.
So briefly, i compared your answer to a mark scheme (as you do) and saw where you fell in a given band and then where you fell within that band. For example, for content and organization, you could either be a lvl 1 2 3 or 4. To hit 4 you need to tick the criteria for 1 2 and 3. Then to find where in lvl 4 (so low lvl4 mid or high end) i looked closely at examples of language techniques or whatever it was iam comparing, to the criteria, so for instance, technical accuracy one of the criteria for top band top marks (out of 16) asks, have they used a wide range of sentence structured [for effect]?

And so where you displayed at least some skills in a band, i gave you the marks, but otherwise, where I can't see it, it can't be given. A good piece of writing has all the great techniques and flairs 'shown off', so using a wide range of language techniques different techniques to create effect, and that's the key to scoring high on Question 5, Language Paper 2.
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ash0987654321
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(Original post by safaahmed33)
I think you have included a lot of good content but I would advise you that for this 40 mark question, our teacher always told us to do a 5 para plan with an introduction to state the purpose of what you're writing and your overall opinion. The other paragraphs after will be 2-3 points where you argue your point and then one paragraph as a counter argument but then relating back to your own point e.g Some people may say/ be of the opinion that ... however we must take into consideration OR it is important not to forget OR nevertheless ...
The final paragraph will be your conclusion and overall opinion and since it is a letter, you sign off with yours sincerely (as you do not know them and their name).

You have included a lot of good points however they need to be more detailed and include language devices such as discourse markers, rhetorical questions, list of three, emotive language. Also for SPAG marks, I would recommend you use a variety of punctuation like ; : ? ! ' " -

If you take my advice and add these points, I think it will be into level 5 in the band. I have attached a revision guide based on Paper 2 and if you go onto the last few pages it shows Q5 and an example as well as the devices you should be using.
Hope this helps
Any for paper 1?
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