My boyfriend doesn’t put in much effort

you are alone in that relitionship. find something to do to keep you busy,and if you can see him online and not texting you,,think behold

I am so glad I am not in the dating game these days - some of these threads are quite shocking.
I don't take my phone to bed and if I did I would be bloody annoyed if I got a notification at crazy o'clock saying good night.
Maybe he has chilled out and drifted off - if he doesn't wake till 3pm then he certainly keeps odd hours which don't sound like they align with those of a uni student.
Before all this technology people said goodnight when they parted, no one would then make a phone call late at night to say it again. LDR would have regular calls but not daily as people had lives to lead. Lockdown seems to be making people very needy/clingy.

I would not say I’m needy at all because our replies are around four hours long and I don’t complain about this when I know a lot of girls would. The problem I’m having mainly is that sometimes his last message to me will be at 9 pm and then he won’t reply to me until the next day when he wakes up around 3 pm.

I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 6 months, it’s a healthy relationship as we don’t argue and he treats me well. When we are apart we don’t message that much and we don’t call but has always been like this because we used to be with each other a lot. Now we don’t see each other as often because of Covid and sometimes I’m at uni, so I thought we would message more. He’s a very career driven guy he focuses a lot on his music and his job which I like, but sometimes I feel like his last priority. I had a chat with him about needing more reassurance which he took well and he then improved, but shortly after he had a chat with me saying he felt stressed and under pressure because of his work and stuff and he said he’s not putting in the effort he wants to in our relationship. When we are together it is great and I feel loved but when we are apart I feel lonely. I would not say I’m needy at all because our replies are around four hours long and I don’t complain about this when I know a lot of girls would. The problem I’m having mainly is that sometimes his last message to me will be at 9 pm and then he won’t reply to me until the next day when he wakes up around 3 pm. Is it too much to ask, for him to occasionally message me before he goes to sleep?? I’m scared that I will put more pressure on him or push him away but I feel like I’m walking on eggshells and that I can’t say what bothers me anymore. I know that he doesn’t sleep at 9 pm so I don’t see the problem with messaging me at the end of the night just to say good night?? Our relationship is quite laid-back compared to others as we don’t see each other often we don’t FaceTime much but sometimes it makes me feel single lol

My friend was in this position w her boyfriend not putting in effort during lockdown 1 and they ended up breaking up w him and she said it was a huge weight lifted off her shoulders.

I’m not saying u should break up with him but you should try as hard as possible to make things work.
1) ask him to meet and go on walks since you’re allowed to do that. At least once a week go on a walk.
2) ask him to FaceTime often. Before bed? Even if he doesn’t ask you should ask and if he makes excuses as to why he can’t, then there’s an issue. Don’t force him to if he doesn’t want to
3) ask him to send u goodnight texts. Tell him it makes u feel happy and u get worried when he doesn’t message u at night.
4) since you’ve already had the chat w him about reassurance, have just one more. Tell him exactly how u feel and that lockdown is making it feel like ur getting distant. Ask him if everything is ok with you guys and if he says everything is fine, tell him u would like him to show u that.

If he doesn’t cooperate with these then he’s not the one lovely. Imagine if you guys stay together for a long time and it’s always like this? You wouldn’t want that xx

This is how I’m making things work w my boyfriend. We’re all in the same boat during this lockdown rubbish

That is the HUGE issue here. You feel that you are not needy at all, when in fact you are being ridiculously needy.

When the 2 of you are together it's "great". And that therefore should be ALL of your needs satisfied.

But no, you want him to be some kind of text messaging penfriend / servant. That's not fair on him. You are asking for too much.

He has a busy life to lead.

When you are together with him, carry on enjoying it to the full.
When you are not together focus 100% on you getting on with your life. The side of your life that doesn't involve him. Your studies, any part time work you do, your uni friends, your old hometown and school friends, your family, meeting and making new friends, your pets, self development, doing basic chores like shopping for food, cooking, cleaning, washing, .

The only contact that you need to have with him between meetings is arranging the time, place, duration and theme of your next meeting.

Stop pestering him for messages. Do that and he'll be happier and chances are, he will also be more attracted / more in love with you.

Women that act in confident, self-secure ways are extremely attractive. Women that have full lives with clear life goals that they are working towards are extremely attactive. Women that help their partners to have a great time when they are with them, whilst being willing and able to walk away if things don't work out are also extremely attractive. Women that don't nag are extemely attractive. Women that don't try to change their men are extremely attractive.


Do not ever base your behaviour on what most other girls would do. Most other girls - in your peer group - will be hopeless when it comes to romantic relationships. Always try to base your behaviour on what is the best course of action for a given set of circumstances.
Quite a few of they girls that you know will be so bad at relationships that - as a general guideline - whatever they would do, you should do the opposite for best results.

Instead of you walking on eggshells by not talking about your concerns about the lack of after-9pm messages, you should chuck your desire to be messaged after 9 pm out of the window.

I agree with you I don’t want to be that girl has no life outside her relationship. I think lockdown is part of the issue as I would be out with my friends etc , so I wouldn’t have as much time to think about it and I would be busy like he is
I agree that I should focus on myself I think it’s just cause I’m surrounded by people who are on the phone to their boyfriends 24/7 but I guess everyone’s relationship is different and I don’t want to lose him

Thankyou this was some really good advice, I don’t wanna lose him so I will definitely try these and see how it goes!! I will give the benefit of the doubt aswell due to lockdown so things aren’t gonna be perfect but I will try to meet up with him and ft more often xx

I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 6 months, it’s a healthy relationship as we don’t argue and he treats me well. When we are apart we don’t message that much and we don’t call but has always been like this because we used to be with each other a lot. Now we don’t see each other as often because of Covid and sometimes I’m at uni, so I thought we would message more. He’s a very career driven guy he focuses a lot on his music and his job which I like, but sometimes I feel like his last priority. I had a chat with him about needing more reassurance which he took well and he then improved, but shortly after he had a chat with me saying he felt stressed and under pressure because of his work and stuff and he said he’s not putting in the effort he wants to in our relationship. When we are together it is great and I feel loved but when we are apart I feel lonely. I would not say I’m needy at all because our replies are around four hours long and I don’t complain about this when I know a lot of girls would. The problem I’m having mainly is that sometimes his last message to me will be at 9 pm and then he won’t reply to me until the next day when he wakes up around 3 pm. Is it too much to ask, for him to occasionally message me before he goes to sleep?? I’m scared that I will put more pressure on him or push him away but I feel like I’m walking on eggshells and that I can’t say what bothers me anymore. I know that he doesn’t sleep at 9 pm so I don’t see the problem with messaging me at the end of the night just to say good night?? Our relationship is quite laid-back compared to others as we don’t see each other often we don’t FaceTime much but sometimes it makes me feel single lol