aqa english language paper 1 question 5

That' good, but add more 'show don't tell' don't tell the audience your scared let them figure it out eg: 'the hair on my back rose soo high i began shaking, every breath i inhaled a whimper would escape. Heavily breathing, my eyes started to water' Hope i kind of helped (:

Thanks what would you give this in terms of a mark or grade

No worries, there 40 marks in total. 24 marks for content and organisation and 16 marks for technical accuracy
I have no idea how that works, but for technical accuracy i would give give L3 9 marks ( as you could have added more complex sentences; replaces your 'and' with a semi colon. content and organisation i would give L2 12 just about. Your jumping too fast, you said you heard a distorted voice one line then it jumps to the little girl which was also 3 lines long, you should have put the appearance of the little girl and most about her in one paragraphs. you should do the sky view, tree view and street view technique eg: right from the beginning describe the sky, how does it look what the weather, then tree view: what can you smell, see, hear, street view: what can you see thats going on, describe the place, what are you wearing? In order on the girl: first you could say you heard the distorted voice, describe how your feelings, how did you know it was a girl? after you saw it was a girl describe how she looked? why was she there? Imagine you was in their shoes. I wouldn't write in first person i would write in 3rd person as i can start with my verbs. But what ever works best for you, you do you (:
It's not really about the story, the plot could be boring eg: there was a girl she went to the beach. It's about how you write it.
"it started to rain" Nope not good enough, show the reader its raining without telling them its raining eg: "clinging to my hood, i crutch and ran looking for shelter. Seems as my waterproof boots couldn't handle these terrible conditions. Puddles filled with pure but impure water, i could see my reflection looking miserable and despondent."
I'm not an expert but i hope it helped (:

9 marks for technical accuracy
12 marks for content and organisation
Total 21/40

thanks was just asking as this was part of my english language mock exam we did online . ive done decriptions and narartives before and have gotten 30 out of 40 before and I thought this just wasnt as good enough.

Oooo well done! You've got potential, hope you pass your exams (: