Anonymous #1
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ive been dating a guy for the last 3 and a half years and i am 16 almost turning 16. my mother never accepted it till recently. She thinks im a slut and would be the type of girl to sell myself off to guys and be a **** although i am the complete opposite and so innocent in that sense. Me and my boyfriend have intentions to marry in the future however i am facing a lot of issues. i have major trust issues as he had a girl bestfriend in the past and **** happened and the girl liked him and i eventually made him cut her off however it has made me have massive trust issues and i always have my fears and am scared of the same thing happening again and hate seeing him with his female friends. i have spoken to him about it but he doesnt seem to understand how much it affects me as it has really made me insecure and half low self esteem but also have massive trust issues which eat me up. i dont know how to deal with all these problems, i face massive anxiety and am always scared and worried....
any advice?
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Anonymous #2
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Not being horrible but it’s not healthy to dictate who your partner can and can’t see, maybe you speak to a councillor or therapist to help find a solution
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Not being horrible but it’s not healthy to dictate who your partner can and can’t see, maybe you speak to a councillor or therapist to help find a solution
i dont dictate who he does and doesnt see, he is friends with loads of girls and although it makes me uncomfortable, i do not object to it. i just tell him to keep his boundaries and the main reason for my issues is that A LOT of girls r beggy to him and flirt with him
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Anonymous #1
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also i am almost turning 17
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Anonymous #2
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(Original post by Anonymous)
i dont dictate who he does and doesnt see, he is friends with loads of girls and although it makes me uncomfortable, i do not object to it. i just tell him to keep his boundaries and the main reason for my issues is that A LOT of girls r beggy to him and flirt with him
(Original post by Anonymous)
i eventually made him cut her off
Maybe I got the wrong impression from your original post. At the end of the day you’ve got to trust him if you want things to work out. It shouldn’t matter what the other people are doing as he’s got he’s own brain. you’ve been together this long you must mean something. Therapy shouldn’t be seen as a bad thing, it can really help people speaking to someone that has no personal connection that will just listen.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Maybe I got the wrong impression from your original post. At the end of the day you’ve got to trust him if you want things to work out. It shouldn’t matter what the other people are doing as he’s got he’s own brain. you’ve been together this long you must mean something. Therapy shouldn’t be seen as a bad thing, it can really help people speaking to someone that has no personal connection that will just listen.
I really do want to get therapy but I don’t want my family to know so I don’t really know any way to get it. The issue is I do trust him but then deep inside the past experiences mess up with that and then the fact I don’t trust girls bc of the way they are and sometimes I feel like he does enjoy the attention they give him but never admits to it
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Anonymous #2
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I really do want to get therapy but I don’t want my family to know so I don’t really know any way to get it. The issue is I do trust him but then deep inside the past experiences mess up with that and then the fact I don’t trust girls bc of the way they are and sometimes I feel like he does enjoy the attention they give him but never admits to it
It’s only human that he enjoys the attention, I don’t think you could be funny at him for it, the main difference is if somebody acts on it. I’m sure you wouldnt turn down a complement. I haven’t personally had it but I’m sure you can get it on the nhs but I can imagine it’s a long waiting list. If I’m being honest it sounds like you need to find/work on yourself otherwise you’ll end up pushing him away if you’re not careful, which I’m sure is not what you want. What happens if one of you goes to uni or different college you can’t constantly check up on each other
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Anonymous #1
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Yeah exactly, he wants to do something else after a levels and I wanna do uni so we won’t be together all the time and I don’t wanna have these issues when we’re older which is why I want to work on them now but I’m stuck
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klerinba
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I really do want to get therapy but I don’t want my family to know so I don’t really know any way to get it. The issue is I do trust him but then deep inside the past experiences mess up with that and then the fact I don’t trust girls bc of the way they are and sometimes I feel like he does enjoy the attention they give him but never admits to it
Correct me if I’m wrong but I’m pretty sure you can get an appointment from the GP yourself when you’re 16? If you were really serious about therapy this could be a great place to start? I know the GP isn’t always the most efficient...

I also just wanted to say that you shouldn’t get too worked up over the idea of marriage (which you mentioned) because you will become, if not already, extremely emotionally dependent on him. trust me I’m dealing with the same issues here.

I also have trust issues with my boyfriend, so you’re not alone. We had a little period where we went on a break, and he made so many girl best friends, which he still keeps in contact with. I catch him looking at them, so it’s only normal for your boyfriend to crave the attention of other girls. It sucks but that’s life.

Girls mature so much quicker than boys, boys tend to be immature till 21, and therefore not realise what they have before it’s too late.

My current coping mechanisms (with an insanely now distanced boyfriend, and who I can’t seem to trust fully) is just to embrace it. I can’t change what it is, I can’t beg him to put more effort into us, I just have to see how it plays out. We’re almost nearing two years, yet we’re hanging on by a thread (mostly because of lockdown), but I have never really tried to get my trust issues to affect the relationship. Where I’m uncomfortable, I tell him, but I can’t get him to cut them off, because I know he won’t, and I know he’d want me to do the same if I started enquiring things like this from him.

I guess my final advice would be to think realistically. Get therapy if you need it through calling up the GP. Remember to let it play out how it will, and put in effort only where you deem you must. Don’t get emotionally exhausted, and face your past experiences head on.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by klerinba)
Correct me if I’m wrong but I’m pretty sure you can get an appointment from the GP yourself when you’re 16? If you were really serious about therapy this could be a great place to start? I know the GP isn’t always the most efficient...

I also just wanted to say that you shouldn’t get too worked up over the idea of marriage (which you mentioned) because you will become, if not already, extremely emotionally dependent on him. trust me I’m dealing with the same issues here.

I also have trust issues with my boyfriend, so you’re not alone. We had a little period where we went on a break, and he made so many girl best friends, which he still keeps in contact with. I catch him looking at them, so it’s only normal for your boyfriend to crave the attention of other girls. It sucks but that’s life.

Girls mature so much quicker than boys, boys tend to be immature till 21, and therefore not realise what they have before it’s too late.

My current coping mechanisms (with an insanely now distanced boyfriend, and who I can’t seem to trust fully) is just to embrace it. I can’t change what it is, I can’t beg him to put more effort into us, I just have to see how it plays out. We’re almost nearing two years, yet we’re hanging on by a thread (mostly because of lockdown), but I have never really tried to get my trust issues to affect the relationship. Where I’m uncomfortable, I tell him, but I can’t get him to cut them off, because I know he won’t, and I know he’d want me to do the same if I started enquiring things like this from him.

I guess my final advice would be to think realistically. Get therapy if you need it through calling up the GP. Remember to let it play out how it will, and put in effort only where you deem you must. Don’t get emotionally exhausted, and face your past experiences head on.
Omg thank you so much for ur advice it means a lot❤️❤️
Yeah I can completely understand I’m so drained out and tired of all this, I always feel like I’m getting hurt and not reiciving the same amount of effort That I give and it’s really upsetting and fustrating tbh..
How are u dealing with ur situation?
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Anonymous #1
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And yes you are right, to an extent I have emotionally dependent on him which is kind of bad for me and I can see that now as I’m always the one carinf and putting more effort than he is
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klerinba
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Omg thank you so much for ur advice it means a lot❤️❤️
Yeah I can completely understand I’m so drained out and tired of all this, I always feel like I’m getting hurt and not reiciving the same amount of effort That I give and it’s really upsetting and fustrating tbh..
How are u dealing with ur situation?
Urgh, I completely GET YOU because I am again, in the same boat. I just feel like I’m in pain most of the time hahah.
Try communicating your feelings to him though, there’s no point hiding behind them (which is what I’m doing rn, very BAD do not recommend), and see how he reacts. I really hope he starts shaping up, none of us deserve to be feeling exhausted or hurt.

At the moment, not very well. We’ve had a lot of arguments/ mutual conversations and each time he has said very hurtful things to me. Obviously I am head over heels in love😤😔 so I always come back, but this time it seems like it’s just not gonna work. He’s so blunt, he’s plays games all day, he seems like he’s given up. He’s just not the same. This is not how it should be.

Even though it’s lockdown don’t forget that if he wanted to he would.
I wish you the best also, I hope it all works out 💓
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by klerinba)
Urgh, I completely GET YOU because I am again, in the same boat. I just feel like I’m in pain most of the time hahah.
Try communicating your feelings to him though, there’s no point hiding behind them (which is what I’m doing rn, very BAD do not recommend), and see how he reacts. I really hope he starts shaping up, none of us deserve to be feeling exhausted or hurt.

At the moment, not very well. We’ve had a lot of arguments/ mutual conversations and each time he has said very hurtful things to me. Obviously I am head over heels in love😤😔 so I always come back, but this time it seems like it’s just not gonna work. He’s so blunt, he’s plays games all day, he seems like he’s given up. He’s just not the same. This is not how it should be.

Even though it’s lockdown don’t forget that if he wanted to he would.
I wish you the best also, I hope it all works out 💓
Omggg litrally
I’m in the same position as u I’m always hurt and upset amd soemtimes I tell him my feelings but he always doesn’t seem to understand so now I e kinda shut myself off and stopped telling him tbings tbh. I hope things get better for u it’s so hard being head over heels bc u always go back even when I shouldn’t and I gues they just take that for granted
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Anonymous #1
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Also if ur bf asked u to cut guys off, would u if he did the same for u?
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Anonymous #2
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Also if ur bf asked u to cut guys off, would u if he did the same for u?
No I still think that’s unhealthy personally, there’s nothing wrong with having friends of the opposite sex. If someone is gonna cheat they’ll cheat nothing will stop them they have their own brain. Like friendships I think relationship can run their course and sometimes people are only meant the be in your life for a certain period. If you’re not happy and or the trust isn’t there, something needs to change. You’re only young, you both deserve to be happy
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stimpay352
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Speaking from a guys point of view (being in a very similar situation as I'm 16 nearly 17 and having a girlfriend for around 3 years and which as you stated we have the exact same goal to eventually get married to each other.) You mentioned you did open up to him but speaking from a guys perspective in a relationship sometimes when my girlfriend does open up about her emotions i try do everything in my power to do make her feel reassured that the situation that made her feel insecure as you say never happens again but still she seems to always bring it up even though in my brain i know I'll never end up getting in a situation like i did before which made her insecure like that. So what is it you actually want from your boyfriend to help you get over this the issue like in your ideal world what do you want from your boyfriend if you could change anything.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by stimpay352)
Speaking from a guys point of view (being in a very similar situation as I'm 16 nearly 17 and having a girlfriend for around 3 years and which as you stated we have the exact same goal to eventually get married to each other.) You mentioned you did open up to him but speaking from a guys perspective in a relationship sometimes when my girlfriend does open up about her emotions i try do everything in my power to do make her feel reassured that the situation that made her feel insecure as you say never happens again but still she seems to always bring it up even though in my brain i know I'll never end up getting in a situation like i did before which made her insecure like that. So what is it you actually want from your boyfriend to help you get over this the issue like in your ideal world what do you want from your boyfriend if you could change anything.
Omg
Wow that is the exact situation me And my boyfriend are in. If I’m honest I’ve opened up to him many a times now and although the says exactly what you say to your girlfriend, I never really see his actions say the same. In my ideal world I would want him to just keep a distance from girls who act flirty with him or like are overly friendly. I have no issues with him being friends with girls who know he is with me and have respect for me however majority of these girls who he is friends with do not respect me or our relationship and that’s the hurtful point. I would just want him to keep his distance from those kind of girls but to also acknowledge when I tell him he hurts me bc whenever I do he ends up doing the same again. I have spoken to him about how the past situation has made me insecure and changed me and he knows what my insecurities are however he always somehow ‘jokes’ about it in a way it isn’t a joke and is actually hurtful and several times I have told him this yet he does not acknowledge it
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by stimpay352)
Speaking from a guys point of view (being in a very similar situation as I'm 16 nearly 17 and having a girlfriend for around 3 years and which as you stated we have the exact same goal to eventually get married to each other.) You mentioned you did open up to him but speaking from a guys perspective in a relationship sometimes when my girlfriend does open up about her emotions i try do everything in my power to do make her feel reassured that the situation that made her feel insecure as you say never happens again but still she seems to always bring it up even though in my brain i know I'll never end up getting in a situation like i did before which made her insecure like that. So what is it you actually want from your boyfriend to help you get over this the issue like in your ideal world what do you want from your boyfriend if you could change anything.
This issue is because of that situation that has made me insecure it has made a long term impact on me in a way and because of that it’s very difficult to get over it as it’s kinda built a permenant fear inside me if you get what I mean?
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stimpay352
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(Original post by Anonymous)
This issue is because of that situation that has made me insecure it has made a long term impact on me in a way and because of that it’s very difficult to get over it as it’s kinda built a permenant fear inside me if you get what I mean?
Whose fault was it, your boyfriends or the girls?
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by stimpay352)
Whose fault was it, your boyfriends or the girls?
Both , they became her friends because my parents caught me with him so I didn’t have my phone for about a year so we could only talk in achool. Some **** happened between them which shouldn’t and although to him it’s not a big deal for me it is. They were friends for a year amd the girl liked him and when he told her he still remained friends with her. He said he used to talk to her bc I was never online which to me is not a valid excuse at all. If I wasn’t online he should have waited not looked for someone else to replace me...
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