Eshal123
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#1
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#1
English language gcse -aqa
Can someone mark my article and give advice
The question and my work is down below
Last edited by Eshal123; 1 month ago
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superbo9y
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#2
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Eshal123
IMO
For content and organization i would give this 15/24
For technical accuracy i would give this 8/16

Overall, this piece of work achieved 23\40

I'm going to be very critical on this, so brace yourself

Before i tell you that you've done well, and how you can progress, i'll be honest and say that it wasn't a very convincing argument. I read it a couple of times, and neutrally standing, there is big margin for improvement.

[Content and Organization]

Some good points and comments:
- You've demonstrated some compelling thoughts and ideas
- Effective one sentence paragraph
- Good use of 'rule of 3'

Mistakes and errors:
- The first sentence isn't correct - animals have rights 'bestowed' by humans - not God, i.e. In the law it states the Animal Welfare Act, not in religious scripture.
-The third paragraph describes humans that eat meat (chicken wing) as 'horrendous beasts' - yet meat-eaters make over 80% of the World's population, and around 90% of the UK's population
- 'A dead body that you had to engulf.. instead of forcing vegetables...' doesn't make sense.
- Why is the fact that the number of Vegan options limited to KFC? Is there no other place that offers vegan options..? Do you have to give an example?
- The last paragraph on page 1 is unconvincing; A zoo cannot be a prison for vulnerable animals, as vulnerable animals are looked after by the RSPCA, and similar organizations.
-Paragraph 3 (page 1) ends with, 'stop relying on animals for meat!' Yet some people have no access to food other than through meat. (especially poorer countries).
- Animals shouldn't be 'set free' - some animals are dangerous and are a threat to society.
- Line three on page two doesn't make sense.. 'let me take you to that throne and explain'
- 'Claustrophobic apartment' - is a cruel way to keep a pet, so this statement cannot be made about pet-owners. Also not everyone lives in an 'apartment'.
- The end of the first paragraph on page two does not make sense - it speaks about letting animals 'free' when pet owners, especially dog pet owners, regularly take their pets out for a walk in town, or parks...
- The 'conclusion' or 'final line' is the end of an unconvincing piece of work. It gives an impression that animals who are trapped should be set 'free', yet the work you have written does not match this.

[For Technical Accuracy]

- Line 7 on paragaph one (page 1) 'more various ways' is grammatically incorrect. Should leave out 'various'.
- The KFC quotes should be in inverted commas - it a slogan.
- In paragraph 3, a semi colon would have been more accurate than a semi-colon.
- '1 different options' should be just 'different options'
- 'Actually worse' should be 'Even worse..'
- Paragraph 1 (page 2) should have a comma, after 'Likewise'
- (Perhaps) 'Halt and ponder' can be varied to keep the piece interesting.

- Different sentence lengths can give a piece a better structure, and shows the examiner you can change the length of a sentence to create effects.
- The final sentence should be a one sentence paragraph, to finalize with a strong impression.



So that is my analysis.

I suggest, go over your mistakes, and try not to repeat them.
To improve your Q5, as well as your English AQA Language Paper 1 + Paper 2, and the whole of English GCSE, i recommend Mr Bruff on YouTube.

Very straightforward and easy to understand, it will instantly boost your marks.

Paper 2 Question 5 (5 minute version) - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v0aAitntCvo
Paper 2 Question 5 (in-depth version - part 1) - https://youtu.be/8bhpgRzrs64
Paper 2 Question 5 (in-depth version - part 2) - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aFVO7j_hV28

English Language Paper 2 - https://www.youtube.com/playlist?lis...p7PXId4pbldQVq

Whole Of GCSE English (take your pick) - https://www.youtube.com/user/mrbruff/playlists

That's all - don't take the advice too harshly - just see where you went wrong, and improve. That's the way forward.
After you think you have improved, send some more work, I'll be happy to mark some more.

Good Luck.
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Eshal123
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#3
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#3
(Original post by superbo9y)
Eshal123
IMO
For content and organization i would give this 15/24
For technical accuracy i would give this 8/16

Overall, this piece of work achieved 23\40

I'm going to be very critical on this, so brace yourself

Before i tell you that you've done well, and how you can progress, i'll be honest and say that it wasn't a very convincing argument. I read it a couple of times, and neutrally standing, there is big margin for improvement.

[Content and Organization]

Some good points and comments:
- You've demonstrated some compelling thoughts and ideas
- Effective one sentence paragraph
- Good use of 'rule of 3'

Mistakes and errors:
- The first sentence isn't correct - animals have rights 'bestowed' by humans - not God, i.e. In the law it states the Animal Welfare Act, not in religious scripture.
-The third paragraph describes humans that eat meat (chicken wing) as 'horrendous beasts' - yet meat-eaters make over 80% of the World's population, and around 90% of the UK's population
- 'A dead body that you had to engulf.. instead of forcing vegetables...' doesn't make sense.
- Why is the fact that the number of Vegan options limited to KFC? Is there no other place that offers vegan options..? Do you have to give an example?
- The last paragraph on page 1 is unconvincing; A zoo cannot be a prison for vulnerable animals, as vulnerable animals are looked after by the RSPCA, and similar organizations.
-Paragraph 3 (page 1) ends with, 'stop relying on animals for meat!' Yet some people have no access to food other than through meat. (especially poorer countries).
- Animals shouldn't be 'set free' - some animals are dangerous and are a threat to society.
- Line three on page two doesn't make sense.. 'let me take you to that throne and explain'
- 'Claustrophobic apartment' - is a cruel way to keep a pet, so this statement cannot be made about pet-owners. Also not everyone lives in an 'apartment'.
- The end of the first paragraph on page two does not make sense - it speaks about letting animals 'free' when pet owners, especially dog pet owners, regularly take their pets out for a walk in town, or parks...
- The 'conclusion' or 'final line' is the end of an unconvincing piece of work. It gives an impression that animals who are trapped should be set 'free', yet the work you have written does not match this.

[For Technical Accuracy]

- Line 7 on paragaph one (page 1) 'more various ways' is grammatically incorrect. Should leave out 'various'.
- The KFC quotes should be in inverted commas - it a slogan.
- In paragraph 3, a semi colon would have been more accurate than a semi-colon.
- '1 different options' should be just 'different options'
- 'Actually worse' should be 'Even worse..'
- Paragraph 1 (page 2) should have a comma, after 'Likewise'
- (Perhaps) 'Halt and ponder' can be varied to keep the piece interesting.

- Different sentence lengths can give a piece a better structure, and shows the examiner you can change the length of a sentence to create effects.
- The final sentence should be a one sentence paragraph, to finalize with a strong impression.



So that is my analysis.

I suggest, go over your mistakes, and try not to repeat them.
To improve your Q5, as well as your English AQA Language Paper 1 + Paper 2, and the whole of English GCSE, i recommend Mr Bruff on YouTube.

Very straightforward and easy to understand, it will instantly boost your marks.

Paper 2 Question 5 (5 minute version) - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v0aAitntCvo
Paper 2 Question 5 (in-depth version - part 1) - https://youtu.be/8bhpgRzrs64
Paper 2 Question 5 (in-depth version - part 2) - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aFVO7j_hV28

English Language Paper 2 - https://www.youtube.com/playlist?lis...p7PXId4pbldQVq

Whole Of GCSE English (take your pick) - https://www.youtube.com/user/mrbruff/playlists

That's all - don't take the advice too harshly - just see where you went wrong, and improve. That's the way forward.
After you think you have improved, send some more work, I'll be happy to mark some more.

Good Luck.
I’ll just wait until my actual English teacher marks it this is the first proper article I’ve written and was so unprepared for our English mock
Last edited by Eshal123; 1 month ago
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superbo9y
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#4
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let me know what u get, they're bound to be nicer, cos of COVID and 'missed learning time'.
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superbo9y
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also i spend around an hour doing it, while ur teacher wil proly spend 10-20min max marking ur work
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