was I rude to my boyfriend ? Help , stressed out

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Jesswhats
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Me and my bf been going through a rough patch in which during this we spent a lot of time together ( way too much, think this caused us to clash a lot) so he said we should spend time away in which we did it’s been 2 days. I said we shouldn’t speak a lot over the phone so we get proper time away he said that’s being petty and toxic. He called me but I didn’t answer snd messaged but I didn’t answer ( I’ve been depressed for couple weeks,so I haven’t been wanting to communicate much with people) he called again and we spoke for like 2 mins because he was checking to see why I didn’t pick up his calls I said it’s not by force I will respond when I respond.

Anyways for about 2 minutes he just went silent on the phone and it really annoyed me! Because why call me when your just silent like especially with what’s been going on with us ( I’m really short fused atm and irritated ) I said why did he call me if he’s just silent on the phone he said he wanted to speak I said YES BUT YOU HAVE BEEN SILENT then he says ‘ I still haven’t learnt how to speak to him’( literally he’s disturbing me by calling then not even saying anything for minutes ) anyways I told him don’t call me again if you are not going to actually speak and hung up!!

Was I rude?!
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Anonymous #1
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yeah a little coming from a guy
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Jesswhats
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(Original post by Anonymous)
yeah a little coming from a guy
Why? Isn’t it obvious that you shouldn’t call someone that your not on BEST terms with and just sit silently on the phone when you called them. That’s really annoying. He said he called to speak to me fair enough but he was just silent on the phone
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LunasCorner
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hey, i understand ur situation and i think you should calmly say to him that you need some independence so that you can just get yourself to a stable place again, u dont need to go on a break or anything but just say you would rather not communicate for a short period of time if thats what u think will be suitable, dont leave him in the dark however, keep him updated with how things are going

but remember, both ur mental healths come first
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ashtolga23
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(Original post by Jesswhats)
Why? Isn’t it obvious that you shouldn’t call someone that your not on BEST terms with and just sit silently on the phone when you called them. That’s really annoying. He said he called to speak to me fair enough but he was just silent on the phone
I don't exactly know him very well, but putting myself in his position I'd assume he's missing you and wants contact with you, but is scared to cause arguments or say the wrong thing. If he's similar to me in the slightest, then he wants to talk to you pretty desperately, but doesn't know what about or where to start. There's some tension and awkwardness, but he wants to feel connected in some way, even if it's just having you on the line. As I say, this could be completely wrong, but it's one perspective at least.

I think you just need to be very clear about how you're feeling, ideally putting it in a bit of a kinder way if possible. It's not petty or toxic to want some space, but it might hurt him; I think if you explain why you think it's a good idea, and say that you think a bit of space will be refreshing and it's for the good of the relationship, as well as letting him know how much you're struggling with mental health, then he'd understand more. I do wonder whether pushing him away will resolve much though, and I would try to limit this strategy to a few days at most. Again, that's just me.

Really hope it works out for you both.
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Anonymous #2
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If somebody calls you “petty and toxic” for wanting space then they’re obviously a little toxic themselves and are trying to guilt you into retracting your choice. As someone who was on the other side of your situation and lashed out when my girlfriend of a year started talking about breaking up, I totally get why he’s doing this. He obviously likes you and isn’t ready or willing to entertain the idea of the relationship ending, so he’s attempting (however unsuccessful) to force the relationship to stay together (by calling you despite you despite being told not to) I can sympathise with him but that doesn’t make it right, Your relationship is obviously different then mine so I won’t claim to 100% know what’s going on but if he’s anything like me he’s probably just scared that “a break” will just end in a breakup. If you seriously want to stay with him let him know how much you like him and that a break is so you can come back to a better relationship. However from personal experience if you’re not sure it’s gonna work out after a break just end it now. He’ll be angry and upset but again i know personally that you can’t start moving from a relationship until actually over. I’m great friends with my ex and despite how toxic are relationship become ( from both sides) are friendship and healthy and we honestly can say we’re happy for each other.
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Jesswhats
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(Original post by LunasCorner)
hey, i understand ur situation and i think you should calmly say to him that you need some independence so that you can just get yourself to a stable place again, u dont need to go on a break or anything but just say you would rather not communicate for a short period of time if thats what u think will be suitable, dont leave him in the dark however, keep him updated with how things are going

but remember, both ur mental healths come first
Yeah definitely thing is the thing that’s pushing him away is me being short fused and rude. This is because I’m depressed recently I know it’s no excuse but I can’t help it I don’t know what to do.

Also how many days do you recommend this for, like giving space etc. Bless him he calls me messages to see if I’m ok but I just don’t want to reply
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LunasCorner
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(Original post by Jesswhats)
Yeah definitely thing is the thing that’s pushing him away is me being short fused and rude. This is because I’m depressed recently I know it’s no excuse but I can’t help it I don’t know what to do.

Also how many days do you recommend this for, like giving space etc. Bless him he calls me messages to see if I’m ok but I just don’t want to reply
however long it takes
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LunasCorner
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(Original post by Jesswhats)
Yeah definitely thing is the thing that’s pushing him away is me being short fused and rude. This is because I’m depressed recently I know it’s no excuse but I can’t help it I don’t know what to do.

Also how many days do you recommend this for, like giving space etc. Bless him he calls me messages to see if I’m ok but I just don’t want to reply
however long it takes

gd luck
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V℮rsions
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Yeah, you were rude. Guy calls you checking if you're ok, you don't give a very nice response, of course he probably doesn't know what to say.
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StriderHort
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Well, yeah rude. But if he's blowing hot and cold like that no wonder it's frustrating, past a point i;d likely snap a 'What do you want?' as well.
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tazarooni89
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(Original post by Jesswhats)
Me and my bf been going through a rough patch in which during this we spent a lot of time together ( way too much, think this caused us to clash a lot) so he said we should spend time away in which we did it’s been 2 days. I said we shouldn’t speak a lot over the phone so we get proper time away he said that’s being petty and toxic. He called me but I didn’t answer snd messaged but I didn’t answer ( I’ve been depressed for couple weeks,so I haven’t been wanting to communicate much with people) he called again and we spoke for like 2 mins because he was checking to see why I didn’t pick up his calls I said it’s not by force I will respond when I respond.

Anyways for about 2 minutes he just went silent on the phone and it really annoyed me! Because why call me when your just silent like especially with what’s been going on with us ( I’m really short fused atm and irritated ) I said why did he call me if he’s just silent on the phone he said he wanted to speak I said YES BUT YOU HAVE BEEN SILENT then he says ‘ I still haven’t learnt how to speak to him’( literally he’s disturbing me by calling then not even saying anything for minutes ) anyways I told him don’t call me again if you are not going to actually speak and hung up!!

Was I rude?!
The honest answer is yes.

It’s absolutely understandable if you want some space to yourself. But if someone wants contacts you and you simply ignore them and then say “it’s not by force, I will respond when I respond” obviously it will put them on the back foot, as if they’ve committed some sort of crime by trying to contact you in the first place. I’m sure you wouldn’t like it if you had tried to contact him and he had responded like that?

There are kinder ways of saying the same thing. For example, just responding to a missed call or message with “Hey listen - I’m not in the best frame of mind to talk to anyone right now, just got a few things on my mind I need to deal with on my own. Don’t worry though, it’ll be alright. Just give me a few days and I’ll give you a call back. In a bit x”. This way you still get your time apart, but he knows where he stands, doesn’t feel personally attacked, and is reassured that there’s light at the end of the tunnel.

(Note: I don’t think his way of dealing with it was great either. But that’s besides the point).
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tazarooni89
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(Original post by Jesswhats)
Yeah definitely thing is the thing that’s pushing him away is me being short fused and rude. This is because I’m depressed recently I know it’s no excuse but I can’t help it I don’t know what to do.
Tell him exactly what you’ve just said here ^
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