Anonymous #1
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Report Thread starter 4 weeks ago
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hi,

i wanna start off by explaining my situation. i come from a south asian, muslim household. i am a muslim- i do not follow the rules entirely at all but that is between me and allah and i am certain i am a muslim and inshallah become a more practicing muslim in the future. however, recently my mum has found out about the things i have done: gone to mixed parties with boys, wearing short dresses etc. this comes along with me lying about my whereabouts. she assumes i drink and have a boyfriend- which is true but i constantly deny it as i know how bad the punishments will be. since she’s found out i have been banned from leaving the house. i understand she has no trust in me however i can’t help but get angry when we are in lockdown and i want to go on a walk but she fears i’m doing something else. i have always been told i wouldn’t be allowed to move out of my city for university (i’m 17, in year 13) and now she threatens that if she finds out i actually have a boyfriend she will ban me from university all together. the amount of times i’ve been threatened to be disowned the past month is insane. there is more to it but i want to explain my plan:

over the course of the next few months i plan on giving clothes to my boyfriend in college for him to pack at his house. on the day i plan to leave- either after results day which is said to be july this year or after my birthday which is early august- i will wake up early in the morning, pack my last bits and write a note explaining i’m leaving and just leave, blocking all my family’s contacts. (this could use some work. i cant imagine how devestating it is to wake up and find a note but i don’t know how to emphasise that i genuinely cannot talk to them about any of this and if they hear i have this plan they will probably chain me to my house.) i have a full list of how much maintenance loan i get and how much everything i need for uni- ranging from pots and pans to bedding and mattresses etc and have a full plan to move from my boyfriends house to university accomodation, which will be in the same city as i think staying where a lot of my friends will remain is a wise choice when leaving my family. i have been heavily thinking of how this will affect my family. i understand how a lot of south asian, and maybe other cultures care about reputation and i have been reminded of it a lot also. my dad is very cultural and i don’t know how he will take this. my mum has said he will blame her for it and if i leave my life will be fine but none of my family’s will. am i wrong to think this is guilt tripping and not worth me having no freedom till i’m basically married? i know these restrictions will remain even while i’m in university and i can’t bear to think of wasting my young years feeling trapped. i haven’t explained the full situation at home but i have never felt so emotionally and mentally drained in my life, and being at home is just terrible for me, especially now we are in lockdown too. the only thing keeping me going is this plan but i’m genuinely afraid of there being things i haven’t thought about. i know i will miss my parents and siblings terribly but that’s because i will forget about the bad things. i don’t really know where i’m going with this but is this a good idea?
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Anonymous #1
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Report Thread starter 4 weeks ago
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i want to add that this is not a spur of the moment thing. i thought i could convince my parents to let me move- my dream has always been studying at kings college london (i wish to study dentistry) but now the time is here it has been made clear i am allowed nowhere except this one university my parents have chosen. also, my mum hasn’t told my dad about what she has found out about me because she knows he will punish me badly. she has tried speaking to me about it but it always ends up in her guilt tripping me and threatening me in some sort. i am so certain i want to leave, i wish i could leave now and not have to go through the troubles of secretly applying for loans and moving my clothes out but i genuinely don’t know what else to do. i have spoken to school advisors who plan on trying to help me but lockdown has made that very hard. ):
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cchloepx
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it's such a sad situation but i truly think getting out will be the best for you, it seems. to have your parents say they will ban you from going to university is not a good sign, in my opinion.

you seem like a very mature person, who has clearly thought long and hard about this since you have a plan. i think the note will probably be the best choice, because you clearly won't be able to talk to them about it face-to-face and if you didn't leave a note they could call the police and file a missing persons report.

it sucks to feel so trapped by your own family. i hope things go well.
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Kerzen
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(Original post by Anonymous)
i want to add that this is not a spur of the moment thing. i thought i could convince my parents to let me move- my dream has always been studying at kings college london (i wish to study dentistry) but now the time is here it has been made clear i am allowed nowhere except this one university my parents have chosen. also, my mum hasn’t told my dad about what she has found out about me because she knows he will punish me badly. she has tried speaking to me about it but it always ends up in her guilt tripping me and threatening me in some sort. i am so certain i want to leave, i wish i could leave now and not have to go through the troubles of secretly applying for loans and moving my clothes out but i genuinely don’t know what else to do. i have spoken to school advisors who plan on trying to help me but lockdown has made that very hard. ):
Is there still time for you to apply to Kings to read Dentistry?
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by cchloepx)
it's such a sad situation but i truly think getting out will be the best for you, it seems. to have your parents say they will ban you from going to university is not a good sign, in my opinion.

you seem like a very mature person, who has clearly thought long and hard about this since you have a plan. i think the note will probably be the best choice, because you clearly won't be able to talk to them about it face-to-face and if you didn't leave a note they could call the police and file a missing persons report.

it sucks to feel so trapped by your own family. i hope things go well.
yeah that’s true i didn’t think of that ): i’m pretty sure i can legally move out at 17 no? as long as i have a place to stay etc
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Kerzen)
Is there still time for you to apply to Kings to read Dentistry?
i have applied and i’ve done the interview which they let me do as applying to only one university would have been daft but they wouldn’t have let me go. i was thinking of leaving to go kings (if i get an offer) but as it’s in london it would be so much harder without their financial support, and if i stay in my city and go to that university but living in accomodation i get lowered required grades and extra free money every year due to an access programme, so i’m tryna be smart by staying here.
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cchloepx
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(Original post by Anonymous)
yeah that’s true i didn’t think of that ): i’m pretty sure i can legally move out at 17 no? as long as i have a place to stay etc
Yes, you can do that. And if you leave a note the police won’t legally be allowed to do anything about it because you made clear intentions of leaving home, and going to stay with someone.

Leaving a note would be the absolute best idea. I don’t think the police could force you to go home if you didn’t, but I think it would avoid any police interference in the first place but also give your family a little peace of mind.
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Kerzen
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(Original post by Anonymous)
i have applied and i’ve done the interview which they let me do as applying to only one university would have been daft but they wouldn’t have let me go. i was thinking of leaving to go kings (if i get an offer) but as it’s in london it would be so much harder without their financial support, and if i stay in my city and go to that university but living in accomodation i get lowered required grades and extra free money every year due to an access programme, so i’m tryna be smart by staying here.
You wouldn't need their financial support if you went to King's, you would have your Student Finance.

Go to King's if you can. That would be being smart.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Kerzen)
You wouldn't need their financial support if you went to King's, you would have your Student Finance.

Go to King's if you can. That would be being smart.
would student finance cover it though? and i think because if i stay in my city and i get the extra money and i’m around friends it’ll make leaving home easier in the sense i’m not fully alone. plus my grades are a big factor idk how i’m gonna get A*AA when they don’t even trust me trying to study alone. however i am scared of being in the same city as all my family and family friends are still here
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by cchloepx)
Yes, you can do that. And if you leave a note the police won’t legally be allowed to do anything about it because you made clear intentions of leaving home, and going to stay with someone.

Leaving a note would be the absolute best idea. I don’t think the police could force you to go home if you didn’t, but I think it would avoid any police interference in the first place but also give your family a little peace of mind.
thank you sm (:
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Kerzen
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(Original post by Anonymous)
would student finance cover it though? and i think because if i stay in my city and i get the extra money and i’m around friends it’ll make leaving home easier in the sense i’m not fully alone. plus my grades are a big factor idk how i’m gonna get A*AA when they don’t even trust me trying to study alone. however i am scared of being in the same city as all my family and family friends are still here
Yes, of course Student Finance would cover it. If Student Finance didn't cover the costs of doing Dentistry at King's, it would have been impossible for many of the current students there to start.

My own dentist trained at Guy's, which I think comes under the King's umbrella now. He is an exceptionally good dentist.

One of the reasons I am suggesting King's is that I think that a certain geographical distance would be in your interests.

Parts of your first post are quite worrying and I would be concerned that the pressures currently being exerted on you wouldn't stop and may escalate into something more serious if you had left home but were still near enough to be reached.

Do you currently have an application to King's?

https://www.kcl.ac.uk/dentistry
Last edited by Kerzen; 4 weeks ago
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username5457326
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your situation sounds so difficult to be in
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Mesopotamian.
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(Original post by Kerzen)
Yes, of course Student Finance would cover it. If Student Finance didn't cover the costs of doing Dentistry at King's, it would have been impossible for many of the current students there to start.

My own dentist trained at Guy's, which I think comes under the King's umbrella now. He is an exceptionally good dentist.

One of the reasons I am suggesting King's is that I think that a certain geographical distance would be in your interests.

Parts of your first post are quite worrying and I would be concerned that the pressures currently being exerted on you wouldn't stop and may escalate into something more serious if you had left home but were still near enough to be reached.

Do you currently have an application to King's?

https://www.kcl.ac.uk/dentistry
Hi, just to echo Kerzen above, the option of a maintenance loan is available to all students including dental students and is higher if you’re moving into London from elsewhere. The exact amount is based on household income, but there is an option for estranged students too. I would recommend that you get in touch with Student Finance England to learn more about your options if finance is a concern for you.

There’s also the option of gaining part time work - both within and outside of the university to help support yourself during your studies. Plenty of dental students have part time jobs during their degree.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Kerzen)
Yes, of course Student Finance would cover it. If Student Finance didn't cover the costs of doing Dentistry at King's, it would have been impossible for many of the current students there to start.

My own dentist trained at Guy's, which I think comes under the King's umbrella now. He is an exceptionally good dentist.

One of the reasons I am suggesting King's is that I think that a certain geographical distance would be in your interests.

Parts of your first post are quite worrying and I would be concerned that the pressures currently being exerted on you wouldn't stop and may escalate into something more serious if you had left home but were still near enough to be reached.

Do you currently have an application to King's?

https://www.kcl.ac.uk/dentistry
i think the distance would help also but the distance between me and my life long friends wouldn’t, as they will be the only sort of family snd support i have. tackling university and a brand new city all by myself sounds like the last thing i need when going through the stress of leaving home ): i have applied yes, i’ve completed my interview and i don’t even know if i’ll get an offer ):
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Mesopotamian.)
Hi, just to echo Kerzen above, the option of a maintenance loan is available to all students including dental students and is higher if you’re moving into London from elsewhere. The exact amount is based on household income, but there is an option for estranged students too. I would recommend that you get in touch with Student Finance England to learn more about your options if finance is a concern for you.

There’s also the option of gaining part time work - both within and outside of the university to help support yourself during your studies. Plenty of dental students have part time jobs during their degree.
i think i’m most worried about how it’ll affect my mental health being alone in london with only the nee friends i will make. plus, i will have to find somewhere to stay during the holidays or have a 52 week accom which will be lots more expensive ): i reallt don’t wanna leave my friends
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Mesopotamian.
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(Original post by Anonymous)
i think i’m most worried about how it’ll affect my mental health being alone in london with only the nee friends i will make. plus, i will have to find somewhere to stay during the holidays or have a 52 week accom which will be lots more expensive ): i reallt don’t wanna leave my friends
That’s totally understandable. I think the key issue to consider here might be how safe you are in your home city and whether you might be more safe moving away - do you think your parents might try to harass you in some way if you remain in the same city?
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Kerzen
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(Original post by Anonymous)
i think i’m most worried about how it’ll affect my mental health being alone in london with only the nee friends i will make. plus, i will have to find somewhere to stay during the holidays or have a 52 week accom which will be lots more expensive ): i reallt don’t wanna leave my friends
I don't think that you would be alone, you would soon make friends with the people on your course.

I used to live near King's, I think you would like it there.

Re finding somewhere to stay during the holidays, you mentioned having a boyfriend? Could you not stay with him?

Just to say that the advice I am giving you is taking the broader picture of your situation into account and your need to be safe and not harangued during your studies.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Mesopotamian.)
That’s totally understandable. I think the key issue to consider here might be how safe you are in your home city and whether you might be more safe moving away - do you think your parents might try to harass you in some way if you remain in the same city?
i think at the beginning they may- but i plan on changing my number and removing all contact with them. but i’m also sure they may be so disappointed that they will eventually just disown me. i’m also not too certain about my grades anymkre, and due to the lowered required grades in my home city it may be my only option.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Kerzen)
I don't think that you would be alone, you would soon make friends with the people on your course.

I used to live near King's, I think you would like it there.

Re finding somewhere to stay during the holidays, you mentioned having a boyfriend? Could you not stay with him?

Just to say that the advice I am giving you is taking the broader picture of your situation into account and your need to be safe and not harangued during your studies.
i don’t know what moving away will mean in terms of our relationship, it’ll be very long distance ): i also have a lot of immediate family in london, less than ten minutes away from kings which scares me too. i know of someone who was in a similar position to me and left her family home yet continues living in manchester.
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Anonymous #1
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another thing i’m really worried about is the fact i will have no family? i’m hoping that maybe in the future we will reconcile when they can learn to accept me for who i am, the chances of that are very low yes but i’m afraid just the thought of practically being an orphan will be too much. does anyone know anybody in a similar situation to me? how did they find it?
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