You clearly have the knowledge and this answer has lots of potential to be really good!
- you include both sides of the argument
- you make some good evaluative points in your first two paragraphs
- you link back to the question really well at the end of paragraphs and in your conclusion
A few suggestions for improvements:
- try to avoid using 'I' lots in an essay; saying it once or twice is fine, but try to limit it to that
- you have to evaluate whatever the flip side is to your argument. You agree with the statement, so what have the people who disagree got wrong? was its success only small? how was it limited? it can be successful in some ways but still a failure overall, but you have to explain why you think that
- you do not need to put (King of France) or similar after the name of a key person, the person marking will know exactly who the key people in your syllabus are
- SPELLING and GRAMMAR. This is always one of the biggest let downs for students and it is so easy to fix. Take your time, it is just as important as what you write and you get marked on it!
- your first paragraph is too short. Especially as your first point it needs to be strong, well-supported and evaluated
advice: find some model answers to 16 mark questions and pay special attention to how they use the words of the question in their answer. This can be tricky to figure out without seeing any examples and I think you would benefit from it.
Overall, a good attempt with space for improvement and lots of potential! I would think you may be looking at anywhere between a 10-12 for this, higher if the simple spelling mistakes are omitted (poor spelling and grammar will, unfortunately, hold you back!)