Please rate my poem

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Abeer37
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#21
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#21
(Original post by Anonymous)
Possibly one of the worst poems, lol. I wrote this in order to move on from someone, two people in fact. If no good, be honest. I respect constructive criticism.

Title: Time To Leave You Behind

Haunted by past events
Segments of you
Find someone new
Included to forget you
Time to leave you behind

You echo on my mind
I am blind to find someone new
All I can think of is you
Time to leave you behind

Broken hearted since you left
You were kind
You echo on my mind
Time to leave you behind

Shot in the heart
You torn me apart
Locked in the dark
Time to leave you behind

You echo on my mind
Find comfort in pain
Nothing but rain
Time to leave you behind
"Shot in the heart
You torn me apart
Locked in the dark
Time to leave you behind"

Are you kidding me?! Loved those lines, so deep!!

"I'm blind to find someone new
All I can think of is you"
Those two lines rhymed very well, I think I really liked them the best 👌🏻👌🏻
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BluMoon06
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#22
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#22
(Original post by Anonymous)
Now, I am crying because of your poem. It is a good attempt and you should keep it, I find hilarious, especially the bottom line.
crying because its bad or funny lol
i say it whenever theres a disagreement at home lmao
haha lol ive decided being a poet isnt for me
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Anonymous #1
#23
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#23
(Original post by BluMoon06)
crying because its bad or funny lol
i say it whenever theres a disagreement at home lmao
haha lol ive decided being a poet isnt for me
It is hilarious, these are tears of joy. Thank you for sharing it, I needed something to cheer me up.
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Anonymous #2
#24
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#24
6/10
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BluMoon06
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#25
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#25
(Original post by Anonymous)
It is hilarious, these are tears of joy. Thank you for sharing it, I needed something to cheer me up.
hahaha no problem lol
at least something good came out of it :lol:
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Anonymous #1
#26
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#26
(Original post by Abeer37)
"Shot in the heart
You torn me apart
Locked in the dark
Time to leave you behind"

Are you kidding me?! Loved those lines, so deep!!

"I'm blind to find someone new
All I can think of is you"
Those two lines rhymed very well, I think I really liked them the best 👌🏻👌🏻
Lol, thanks. There is nothing hard about writing a poem, just take two rhyming words and build a monument.
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Anonymous #1
#27
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#27
(Original post by Anonymous)
6/10
OK, what could've been better?
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04MR17
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#28
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#28
Watch out on your tense.
"You torn me apart" doesn't make sense for example.

"You were kind" would be better off as "You have been kind"

Read your poem out loud and see if you can improve on the rhythm at all.
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Abeer37
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#29
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#29
(Original post by Anonymous)
Lol, thanks. There is nothing hard about writing a poem, just take two rhyming words and build a monument.
I forgot I didn't rate you. I'd give you 6/10. You used so many yous and 'you echo on my mind' twice. I think it's considered sort of cheating in poems to repeat same words twice to make them rhyme. 'New' x2 and 'you' x2 . You can't use the same words again and again only to make them rhyme. Try using different words. Except 'time to leave you behind' since it's the title so it's okay. You can always edit and do better
But I liked the overall attempt, the poem really expressed on how you want to move on.
Last edited by Abeer37; 2 months ago
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Anonymous #1
#30
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#30
(Original post by Abeer37)
I forgot I didn't rate you. I'd give you 6/10. You used so many yous and 'you echo on my mind' twice. I think it's considered sort of cheating in poems to repeat same words twice to make them rhyme. 'New' x2 and 'you' x2 . You can't use the same words again and again only to make them rhyme. Try using different words. Except 'time to leave you behind' since it's the title so it's okay. You can always edit and do better
But I liked the overall attempt, the poem really expressed on how you want to move on.
Fair enough, as I said, I respect constructive criticism. There is always room for improvement. I thought that using 'You echo on my mind' twice would be OK, evidently I was wrong. I appreciate your comment.
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Anonymous #1
#31
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#31
(Original post by 04MR17)
Watch out on your tense.
"You torn me apart" doesn't make sense for example.

"You were kind" would be better off as "You have been kind"

Read your poem out loud and see if you can improve on the rhythm at all.
I wrote it in a hurry, as I had to do something rather important. 'You torn me apart' literally means that someone torn my world in two and left me heartbroken. Thank you for your comment. I will sit down and rewrite it.
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Anonymous #3
#32
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#32
(Original post by Anonymous)
I wrote it in a hurry, as I had to do something rather important. 'You torn me apart' literally means that someone torn my world in two and left me heartbroken. Thank you for your comment. I will sit down and rewrite it.
You tore me apart would sound better than u torn me apart

But I prefer you were kind over ‘you have been kind’ (what u wrote sounds better as it’s the imperfect tense which implies a prolonged action instead of perfect tense from the suggested correction)
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Anonymous #1
#33
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#33
(Original post by Anonymous)
You tore me apart would sound better than u torn me apart

But I prefer you were kind over ‘you have been kind’ (what u wrote sounds better as it’s the imperfect tense which implies a prolonged action instead of perfect tense from the suggested correction)
Right you are. Thank you. I will make the suggested change, perhaps it does sound better, lol.
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Anonymous #3
#34
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#34
(Original post by Anonymous)
Right you are. Thank you. I will make the suggested change, perhaps it does sound better, lol.
Ur choice... if u think the emotions come thru more like that then keep it!
It’s just grammar and poetry doesn’t need to have perfect grammar...
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Anonymous #1
#35
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#35
(Original post by Anonymous)
Ur choice... if u think the emotions come thru more like that then keep it!
It’s just grammar and poetry doesn’t need to have perfect grammar...
Right, I understand how it is frowned upon to use exact words twice or more, but I literally couldn't think of anything else other than 'you'. I will have to find a synonym for it.
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04MR17
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#36
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#36
(Original post by Anonymous)
I wrote it in a hurry, as I had to do something rather important. 'You torn me apart' literally means that someone torn my world in two and left me heartbroken. Thank you for your comment. I will sit down and rewrite it.
No worries, you asked for constructive feedback.

I understand what you meant by the line, my point was that grammatically it is not correct. It is either present tense "you tear me apart" or past tense "you teared me apart" or "you have torn me apart".
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Anonymous #1
#37
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#37
(Original post by 04MR17)
No worries, you asked for constructive feedback.

I understand what you meant by the line, my point was that grammatically it is not correct. It is either present tense "you tear me apart" or past tense "you teared me apart" or "you have torn me apart".
Yes, I did ask for it, as I learned a long time ago that it is better to know where you have gone wrong, in order to fix the errors. Do you think the poem could become good if I change a few words here and there?
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anpanman 019
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#38
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#38
read my poem and rate it


You can't spell brave without BTS
You can't spell life without BTS
You can't spell forever without BTS
You can't spell believe without BTS
You can't spell heaven without Taehyung
You can't spell visual without BTS
You can't spell victory without Taehyung
You can't spell valuable without NAMJOON KIM
You can't spell vibrant without JEON JUNGKOOK
You can't spell deserving without Taehyung
You can't spell favorite without MIN YOONGI
You can't spell vocal without BTS
You can't spell creative without BTS
You can't spell active without J HOPE JUNG HOSEOK
You can't spell divine without JIMIN
You can't spell vigor without BTS
You can't spell universe without BTS
You can't spell anything without BTS
You can'st spell handsome without SEOKJIN KIM
You can't spell love without Taehyung
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Anonymous #1
#39
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#39
(Original post by anpanman 019)
read my poem and rate it


You can't spell brave without BTS
You can't spell life without BTS
You can't spell forever without BTS
You can't spell believe without BTS
You can't spell heaven without Taehyung
You can't spell visual without BTS
You can't spell victory without Taehyung
You can't spell valuable without NAMJOON KIM
You can't spell vibrant without JEON JUNGKOOK
You can't spell deserving without Taehyung
You can't spell favorite without MIN YOONGI
You can't spell vocal without BTS
You can't spell creative without BTS
You can't spell active without J HOPE JUNG HOSEOK
You can't spell divine without JIMIN
You can't spell vigor without BTS
You can't spell universe without BTS
You can't spell anything without BTS
You can'st spell handsome without SEOKJIN KIM
You can't spell love without Taehyung
Bit random, good attempt though. If you read through the above comments, you will come across a reply that states you can't use the same words twice, I made this mistake too. However, I am now attempting to fix and make my poem stronger.
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Anonymous #1
#40
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#40
I have changed 'You echo on my mind' has been changed to 'Bygone days stay with me'. Is this a good or bad change?
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