My bf is addicted to smoking weed and it’s ruining our relationship

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Anonymous #1
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I’ve only been with my bf for around 6 months, and i am at university and he is back in my home town so we are long distance but see eachother as much as we can! we are so in love and always have the best times together, however we always bicker about the same topic over and over. Him smoking too much weed. I’m not saying i think smoking weed is bad because i’m partial to it every now and then but he is smoking around 4-5 times a day which is bizarre to me. During lockdown i moved in with him which really highlighted how often he smokes, and i’ve tried to talk about it and he gets all defensive. I even ask if he could just not smoke that evening and we can just watch a film sober and he can’t even do that, it just feels like i’m not enough for him and he has to be high to be with me which doesn’t make me feel great. I don’t wanna end something so good over a this issue but i can see it developing into a bigger thing if he doesn’t want to stop when we are ready to progress in our relationship, for example when we get our own place together, i don’t want him smoking 5 times a day. It’s just so tricky. Any advice from both sides of the argument would be helpful. Thank you x
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RealLifeJoker
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No offence but your boyfriend seems like an absolute [email protected]
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StriderHort
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It does kind of sound like you object to him smoking at all. What is so important about 4-5 times a day? If it was 5 cups of coffee a day no one would blink. Given worldwide events i'm inclined to let people get through the day however they feel the need to.
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Anonymous #2
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I’m having a similar issue. I’ve been with my BF for about 4 months and he was so different at the beginning. Now all he doesn’t is smoke weed all day and act like he doesn’t give a ****. I honestly feel like I could leave him tomorrow and he wouldn’t care less.
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the bear
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going to Uni is an opportunity to break fresh ground and leave past mistakes behind.
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Theloniouss
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He does sound like an addict. Unfortunately, it's not often possible to help people who don't realise they have a problem.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by StriderHort)
It does kind of sound like you object to him smoking at all. What is so important about 4-5 times a day? If it was 5 cups of coffee a day no one would blink. Given worldwide events i'm inclined to let people get through the day however they feel the need to.
If he was just smoking once in the evening before bed or something i wouldn’t be that fussed, or a few times a week when he’s had a bad day, but like i just few it’s excessive. I think my biggest issue is that when i visit or he visits me he can’t just leave it, and i just think, you haven’t seen me in a month, could you not just leave it for today as he knows i’m not a big fan of it. I just think it’s a small compromise that he never seems to want to do.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I’m having a similar issue. I’ve been with my BF for about 4 months and he was so different at the beginning. Now all he doesn’t is smoke weed all day and act like he doesn’t give a ****. I honestly feel like I could leave him tomorrow and he wouldn’t care less.
This is the same with me, i’ve said my concerns before and he says that he can stop whenever he wants but then as soon as i ask him to not do it for a day he gets all funny about it. it’s just upsetting because i really love him and we have the best time, i just feel like he doesn’t really care about my opinion on it and does whatever he wants without thinking of me. He’s even lied about it when i can smell it on his breath which makes me even more upset about it.
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StriderHort
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(Original post by Anonymous)
If he was just smoking once in the evening before bed or something i wouldn’t be that fussed, or a few times a week when he’s had a bad day, but like i just few it’s excessive. I think my biggest issue is that when i visit or he visits me he can’t just leave it, and i just think, you haven’t seen me in a month, could you not just leave it for today as he knows i’m not a big fan of it. I just think it’s a small compromise that he never seems to want to do.
To play devils advocate, why isn't he allowed to enjoy smoking? Why does he need the excuse of a bad day? or only before bed when you can't really enjoy it?

At a basic level it's an attempt to control someone's else's behaviour and attacking something they enjoy, you are going to get some pushback. Creating a situation where he never feels comfortable smoking around/before seeing you... and he likes smoking... can you see how that might really backfire in terms of your relationship?

Don't get me wrong, i'm not particularly saying he's being reasonable or you're wrong for not liking an aspect of his character, but it doesn't come across much like a compromise.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by StriderHort)
To play devils advocate, why isn't he allowed to enjoy smoking? Why does he need the excuse of a bad day? or only before bed when you can't really enjoy it?

At a basic level it's an attempt to control someone's else's behaviour and attacking something they enjoy, you are going to get some pushback. Creating a situation where he never feels comfortable smoking around/before seeing you... and he likes smoking... can you see how that might really backfire in terms of your relationship?

Don't get me wrong, i'm not particularly saying he's being reasonable or you're wrong for not liking an aspect of his character, but it doesn't come across much like a compromise.
I completely understand what you mean, trust me i’ve thought about all possible outcomes in my head before. And i do feel like Im being controlling which i hate! but also i feel like i go about it in a nice way and all i really want is a discussion about it which he never seems to want. like if he came to me and explained why and had valid reasons i would be more okay with it but he always just brushes me off. and the last thing i want to do is give him an ultimatum because that’s really not fair, but i don’t really know how else to get it in his head that we need to discuss it and come to a compromise together. It’s just so tricky.
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brokestudent3
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(Original post by StriderHort)
It does kind of sound like you object to him smoking at all. What is so important about 4-5 times a day? If it was 5 cups of coffee a day no one would blink. Given worldwide events i'm inclined to let people get through the day however they feel the need to.
because a drug addiction is a bit more of an issue than a caffeine addiction..? people shouldn’t need to rely on anything to get through their day
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cherlloydfan1
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I would dump him if I were u cos it doesn't sound like he's gonna give it up
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StriderHort
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(Original post by brokestudent3)
because a drug addiction is a bit more of an issue than a caffeine addiction..? people shouldn’t need to rely on anything to get through their day
Well they do
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etc-etc
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Everyone has their differences of opinion on weed, but ultimately this isn't what the issue is, so ignore those making you feel guilty. This is an issue of boundaries and respect, and he's not listening to you. I had a friend who banned their bf from using the xbox in her house. Is using the xbox that bad? No. But is using it for hours and not engaging in conversation, when she explained that when coming back from work she just wants to spend time with him? Yes. He can still use it as much as he wants in his house, but at hers, he must respect how she wants to be treated.

Therefore, if it is causing you upset and affecting the health of your relationship, I totally understand where you are coming from and you should set some boundaries just like my friend did. If you are moving into a shared space or does it around you at uni, it's time to cut that off.

I don't want to discredit or disrespect your relationship, but at only 6 months in, if your bf can't respect your wishes and listen to you, then this is a red flag. You're not asking for much, and you're not being demanding. In all honesty, I'd be questioning whether someone who isn't listening to me, isn't respecting my wishes and isn't trying to contribute to my happiness and comfort is really the type of person I'd want to be with.

I don't know or want to assume your gender, but this thread and the response from your bf is quite common if you are female - downplaying your wishes and boundaries and instead portraying you as 'naggy'. As women (again, apologies if that is not your identity), it's really important to assert your boundaries and make sure that it is not always you compromising in the relationship.

Hope that this issue gets better for you, and have faith that you are not being 'unreasonable'!
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Quick-use
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(Original post by brokestudent3)
because a drug addiction is a bit more of an issue than a caffeine addiction..? people shouldn’t need to rely on anything to get through their day
I agree with the the first sentence. I really, really wish I could agree with the second one, but I'm afraid I personally need a pick-me-up in the form of caffeine or whatever to get me through the day. Might just be me not knowing how to cope.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by etc-etc)
Everyone has their differences of opinion on weed, but ultimately this isn't what the issue is, so ignore those making you feel guilty. This is an issue of boundaries and respect, and he's not listening to you. I had a friend who banned their bf from using the xbox in her house. Is using the xbox that bad? No. But is using it for hours and not engaging in conversation, when she explained that when coming back from work she just wants to spend time with him? Yes. He can still use it as much as he wants in his house, but at hers, he must respect how she wants to be treated.

Therefore, if it is causing you upset and affecting the health of your relationship, I totally understand where you are coming from and you should set some boundaries just like my friend did. If you are moving into a shared space or does it around you at uni, it's time to cut that off.

I don't want to discredit or disrespect your relationship, but at only 6 months in, if your bf can't respect your wishes and listen to you, then this is a red flag. You're not asking for much, and you're not being demanding. In all honesty, I'd be questioning whether someone who isn't listening to me, isn't respecting my wishes and isn't trying to contribute to my happiness and comfort is really the type of person I'd want to be with.

I don't know or want to assume your gender, but this thread and the response from your bf is quite common if you are female - downplaying your wishes and boundaries and instead portraying you as 'naggy'. As women (again, apologies if that is not your identity), it's really important to assert your boundaries and make sure that it is not always you compromising in the relationship.

Hope that this issue gets better for you, and have faith that you are not being 'unreasonable'!
Thank you so much, i know i need to look at it from both sides which is why i posted the question to see what others thought from both my side and my bfs side. Your comment is really helpful x
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brokestudent3
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(Original post by Quick-use)
I agree with the the first sentence. I really, really wish I could agree with the second one, but I'm afraid I personally need a pick-me-up in the form of caffeine or whatever to get me through the day. Might just be me not knowing how to cope.
didn’t mean to invalidate those struggling w a caffeine addiction! just personally i’ve seen people struggle in my life w drug addiction, your struggle is still totally valid and i hope things get better soon<3
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brokestudent3
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(Original post by StriderHort)
Well they do
well they shouldn’t
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Quick-use
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(Original post by brokestudent3)
didn’t mean to invalidate those struggling w a caffeine addiction! just personally i’ve seen people struggle in my life w drug addiction, your struggle is still totally valid and i hope things get better soon<3
Uh, I only have 1 cup of tea during breakfast on weekdays to help me wake up / get through the day. Not sure that amounts to a caffeine or drug addiction...
Last edited by Quick-use; 7 months ago
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Surnia
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I’m not saying i think smoking weed is bad because i’m partial to it every now and then
You don't think smoking weed is bad? It's ILLEGAL!

Double standards if you indulge, then complain about your boyfriend. Was he smoking it when you got together? Were you? You've allowed this to hapoen for 6 months, and you'd be in a better position to discuss how it makes you uncomfortable if you stopped smoking it yourself. However, it's got to be his decision. Give him the tools, like the information below, and see what he does:

https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/healthy...bis-the-facts/
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