The Student Room Group

My boyfriend keeps yelling at me. What should I do?

We’ve been together for a year now and 6 months into our relationship he just started randomly getting extremely angry and yelled whenever we had an argument, even if it was over something quite small.

It doesn’t happen all the time, sometimes I’ll bring up an issue and it’s dealt with respectfully, but sometimes all I get is this extreme anger. I’ve told him so many times that it’s unacceptable and that it frightens me. He understands but said it’s very hard for him to control when he gets frustrated.

Anyway, months passed and it was still happening pretty regularly and I began to feel like I was walking on eggshells if I had an issue I wanted to bring up. I have really bad anxiety so I understand that it can be frustrating but it doesn’t condone the aggressive behaviour?

We kept arguing and it just got so bad to the point we did actually break up for a few days. I came to realise that me being anxious did cause issues and I apologised for them, he also apologised for shouting (as he has about 30 times in the past) and we got back together.

It’s been 2 weeks since, everything was perfect and I was feeling really happy and hopeful about everything because it really felt like our relationship was changing. That was until today. He brought up and issue to me that I thought was fine but it made my mind spiral and I brought up something from the past (which we agreed we wouldn’t do once we got back together) and he absolutely flipped.

I understand him being upset with me, but to that level? He shouted, threw things around the room and clenched his fists. He didn’t raise a hand to me or anything but it made me feel scared. He’s so loving and such a nice and thoughtful person 99% of the time and I don’t understand where this rage comes from?

I know he will never actually hit me or anything but it still makes me upset when he throws stuff around the room and yells. It makes me think there’s no hope now? I really thought things were going so well and our relationship felt so different and nice. But now I’m so unsure I really don’t know what to do??

He suggested coming to a compromise where if he tells me he’s getting angry that I need to allow him space to calm down or else he can’t promise that he won’t yell? Is this a fair compromise?

Scroll to see replies

Reply 1
From what you told me, it sounds like this relationship is toxic. I think you should break up with him because hes not changing his behaviour and at that point, sorry doesnt mean anything to him. He just wants to wrap you around in his fingers and im getting the impression he enjoys making you feel scared. He needs to see a therapist or a health professional, I dont think he needs a relationship given his behaviour.
It’s likely that he has issues from the past and his anger probably has nothing to do with you. It isn’t going to get better until he deals with his anger and things may escalate if you stay with him. I would move on for your own emotional and physical safety.
Leave him. When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. This chap has shown you multiple times.

It is not normal to be scared of your partner - that is not what a healthy relationship looks like.
Reply 4
Original post by HorribleHatty
Leave him. When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. This chap has shown you multiple times.

It is not normal to be scared of your partner - that is not what a healthy relationship looks like.

I know. It’s just so difficult because he’s the loveliest person until we argue. I’m not scared of him in general, just when he gets angry but he’s never physically hurt me.
Reply 5
leave toxic relationship
Leave him. If you feel afraid to be around him, you shouldn't be sticking around. Better be safe than sorry.
Reply 7
Original post by Anonymous
Leave him. If you feel afraid to be around him, you shouldn't be sticking around. Better be safe than sorry.

I don’t feel afraid that he’d actually hurt me. Just makes me anxious I think the way he speaks and throws things around. He’s never laid a hand on me and said he never would.
I’ve been in a similar situation and it was so so difficult to break away because I felt I had no one else. My advice to you is to at least tell someone you can 100% trust. Preferably a counsellor. Tell them everything so that 1. They can give you advice how to leave him safely 2. They can check in on you to make sure you’re okay physically and mentally. I’m sure you feel very broken and vulnerable after each fight but you still love him. But please consider leaving forever because he will destroy you.
idk maybe ask him to go therapy or something because the dude has anger issues.
He hasn’t physically hurt you - yet. And even if he never does this is still not healthy or normal. If your friend/sister was in a relationship with someone aggressive, where she tiptoed around issues because she was scared of upsetting her partner you’d tell her to leave, because you love your friend/sister and you want the best for her. Show yourself the same respect.

You’re young. You’ll look back on this and wonder why on earth you stayed in that miserable relationship for so long.
Original post by Anonymous
We’ve been together for a year now and 6 months into our relationship he just started randomly getting extremely angry and yelled whenever we had an argument, even if it was over something quite small.

It doesn’t happen all the time, sometimes I’ll bring up an issue and it’s dealt with respectfully, but sometimes all I get is this extreme anger. I’ve told him so many times that it’s unacceptable and that it frightens me. He understands but said it’s very hard for him to control when he gets frustrated.

Anyway, months passed and it was still happening pretty regularly and I began to feel like I was walking on eggshells if I had an issue I wanted to bring up. I have really bad anxiety so I understand that it can be frustrating but it doesn’t condone the aggressive behaviour?

We kept arguing and it just got so bad to the point we did actually break up for a few days. I came to realise that me being anxious did cause issues and I apologised for them, he also apologised for shouting (as he has about 30 times in the past) and we got back together.

It’s been 2 weeks since, everything was perfect and I was feeling really happy and hopeful about everything because it really felt like our relationship was changing. That was until today. He brought up and issue to me that I thought was fine but it made my mind spiral and I brought up something from the past (which we agreed we wouldn’t do once we got back together) and he absolutely flipped.

I understand him being upset with me, but to that level? He shouted, threw things around the room and clenched his fists. He didn’t raise a hand to me or anything but it made me feel scared. He’s so loving and such a nice and thoughtful person 99% of the time and I don’t understand where this rage comes from?

I know he will never actually hit me or anything but it still makes me upset when he throws stuff around the room and yells. It makes me think there’s no hope now? I really thought things were going so well and our relationship felt so different and nice. But now I’m so unsure I really don’t know what to do??

He suggested coming to a compromise where if he tells me he’s getting angry that I need to allow him space to calm down or else he can’t promise that he won’t yell? Is this a fair compromise?

So sorry to hear you are going through this but clearly warning signs for Domestic Abuse. If you want to save the relationship, you could try couple counselling (such as relate) but I agree with others that you are not safe. It's not your fault in any way and messing with your head is the most clear indicator, isolation may follow
https://www.gov.uk/government/news/new-definition-of-domestic-violence
No, that is not a fair compromise. I think you know it isn’t.

It is just enabling him to do as he pleases unless you are able to control your emotions.

(Which isn’t something you should have to do in order for him to keep his temper. It’s emotional manipulation. Xx)
Please stay safe, also in an emergency call the National domestic abuse hotline. For non urgent , text SHOUT, they’re really good with these kind of situations xx)
(edited 3 years ago)
Original post by Anonymous
I don’t feel afraid that he’d actually hurt me. Just makes me anxious I think the way he speaks and throws things around. He’s never laid a hand on me and said he never would.

He might say that now, but who knows what he will do in the future? Throwing stuff around isn't normal and it often evolves into physical abuse. Please, trust your gut. Your partner should never make you feel anxious.
It's absolutely not fair, you should feel safe in a relationship, your partner should not be making you feel scared and unsafe. Many men take months or even years to show their true colours, they become comfortable and complacent with the women they're with and know that many women are socialised to take their **** and stay with them. Don't think about how the past time that you spent will be wasted if you leave him.

"I understand him being upset with me, but to that level? He shouted, threw things around the room and clenched his fists. He didn’t raise a hand to me or anything but it made me feel scared. He’s so loving and such a nice and thoughtful person 99% of the time and I don’t understand where this rage comes from?" His aim is to scare you, but only enough to not leave visible evidence that you could use to go to the police. There is a whole book about these men, "Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men Lundy Bancroft".

Do you want to be wasting the next year with a man like this? The next 6 months?

I sincerely hope you leave this man and find company with friends and family.
I have experience in this kind of situation in relationships, and it will never change. That is how he is. You cannot fix him.

You don’t deserve this, at all. Please trust your gut.

Please update us:smile:
And one nice thing he does, a hundred nice gestures, doesn’t change the fact that he scares you sometimes, and you’re scared of what might happen. You should never, ever feel like that in a relationship with someone.
(edited 3 years ago)
Reply 16
Original post by Anonymous
He suggested coming to a compromise where if he tells me he’s getting angry that I need to allow him space to calm down or else he can’t promise that he won’t yell? Is this a fair compromise?

That's not a compromise, that's him making excuses for his behaviour and still allowing him to get angry. He's getting it all his own way.

In the heat of the moment you don't know that he won't hit you, or throw some thing at you, or destroy one of your prized possessions or flip out in public. Anger like this isn't normal and you shouldn't be scared in a relationship, you should be happy. Leave and block him, so you're not tempted back and he can't try to manipulate you into changing your mind, because he's using extreme behaviour to control you.
Original post by HorribleHatty
He hasn’t physically hurt you - yet. And even if he never does this is still not healthy or normal. If your friend/sister was in a relationship with someone aggressive, where she tiptoed around issues because she was scared of upsetting her partner you’d tell her to leave, because you love your friend/sister and you want the best for her. Show yourself the same respect.

You’re young. You’ll look back on this and wonder why on earth you stayed in that miserable relationship for so long.


Original post by Anonymous
I’ve been in a similar situation and it was so so difficult to break away because I felt I had no one else. My advice to you is to at least tell someone you can 100% trust. Preferably a counsellor. Tell them everything so that 1. They can give you advice how to leave him safely 2. They can check in on you to make sure you’re okay physically and mentally. I’m sure you feel very broken and vulnerable after each fight but you still love him. But please consider leaving forever because he will destroy you.

It’s so difficult. I can’t stress how much I love him and how compatible we are until we argue. And sometimes he is very understanding. Ever since we broke up and got back together we both promised to leave everything in the past and I did break that promise, I don’t think that condones the anger and he was extremely apologetic afterwards and felt awful for making me feel scared and promised to never throw things around again. I just don’t know whether I can trust that because he’s said these things before. Since we got back together I really thought things had changed but now I’m questioning it so much.
Original post by Surnia
That's not a compromise, that's him making excuses for his behaviour and still allowing him to get angry. He's getting it all his own way.

In the heat of the moment you don't know that he won't hit you, or throw some thing at you, or destroy one of your prized possessions or flip out in public. Anger like this isn't normal and you shouldn't be scared in a relationship, you should be happy. Leave and block him, so you're not tempted back and he can't try to manipulate you into changing your mind, because he's using extreme behaviour to control

It’s not that easy. I know it’s wrong and it does upset me a lot. But I can also be problematic in arguments and add fuel to the fire. I have also been extremely angry in the past and I know how hard it is to control shouting. I have gotten a lot better which is why I believe he can too.
Original post by streetlightppl
I have experience in this kind of situation in relationships, and it will never change. That is how he is. You cannot fix him.

You don’t deserve this, at all. Please trust your gut.

Please update us:smile:
And one nice thing he does, a hundred nice gestures, doesn’t change the fact that he scares you sometimes, and you’re scared of what might happen. You should never, ever feel like that in a relationship with someone.

I was also like this once. I always used to get so angry and I would shout and scream. Not at him but with my parents so I know how it feels. I matured and I’ve been really good for about 2 years but occasionally I slip back. I know the lovely times don’t outweigh the bad but he is very troubled and had a difficult childhood. I know he loves me very much but has a hard time expressing his emotions and I think it gets a bit much. He upsets me, but I know in my gut he would never bring harm to me.

Latest

Trending

Trending