repressed memories of CSA?

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Anonymous #1
#1
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#1
i don’t really know how to start this.

since the age of 6, i felt very repulsed by my vagina, and i felt very filthy / unfeminine, to the point where i felt the pronouns she/her did not apply to me because i was just so dirty. at first, i associated these feelings with the racial harassment i faced at school (i’m black), but now i’m not so sure. unlike dysphoria, the feelings of being disconnected from my femininity faded, and in its place came the hypersexuality as a child.

i have also struggled with dissociation, namely derealisation (with a few experiences of depersonalisation) since the age of six. i am still plagued by derealisation and maladaptive daydreaming, but my daydreams can be very sexual.

from the ages of 9-13, i dealt with quite some childhood trauma which i don’t want to disclose, and it’s made my dissociation a lot worse. i suspect i have PTSD, but there’s also a nagging feeling that something happened in my very early years — perhaps from the ages of three to six years old.

i am a muslim, so i had never been exposed to sex / romance in my household. even before health education in school began, i was intrigued by childbirth and sexuality before i knew what sex was. once i’d learnt about puberty, i became obsessed with sex and nudity, and even started to masturbate. i was only ten. by the age of 11 shame got the best of me and i stopped completely, but in its place came odd fetishes that i daydreamed of before i’d even known what a fetish was (i had no idea what a fetish was until i was fifteen). i won’t disclose them but they were odd and slightly disturbing for a practicing muslim girl who’d never been explicitly exposed to sex.

for as long as i can remember, i also frequently experienced clenching sensations and phantom feelings of being touched between my legs, and felt hyperaware (and uncomfortable) of my sexuality — i recently learned this was a bodily response to rape.

from the age of 8 i’ve had very heavy and persistent discharge, and i didn’t start my period until the age of fourteen. i couldn’t wear underwear without wearing a thick pad, and i’ve never heard of a case where heavy discharge occurs six years before the first period. not sure if this is normal, or related to my question?

i also have very averse reactions to stories of sexual abuse/assault/rape. i recently had an anxiety attack over the mentions of sexual assault/rape on twitter (the i was [insert age] movement).

i also get intrusive sexual thoughts which can be very disturbing at times and have given me a lot of anxiety.

for as long as i can remember, my father has treated me very weirdly. my four years of childhood trauma is largely associated with him but it was physical / emotional stuff. however, he banned me from wearing leggings when i was ten because they “showed my form”, and bought me a bunch of super baggy sweatpants that he made me wear. i’d rebel from that rule because i found it so stupid, and sometimes it would go unnoticed for a few days before he’d realise and get angry. he never does this to my younger sister, who is at the same age i was when this began happening.

fast forward to last year — i caught him glancing at my breast once, even though i’m super thin and don’t really have a “form”. i’m super uneasy around him now, not only because of past trauma but also because i feel terrified that he might do something, even though he hasn’t done anything creepy sans what i’ve mentioned. i’ve had nightmares concerning my fears of rape, and really vivid intrusive memories of possible scenarios. i take everything he says as a red flag and i’m incredibly hyper-vigilant around boys my age or above (16+) and any men i encounter. i’m always on guard around men even though i have seemingly never suffered sexual trauma as a child. i’m not sure whether this is a result of being exposed to sexual assault stories in the news, or something that may lead to a bigger truth.

i had an encounter with a strange man at an airport aged nine (i’m not exactly sure how old i was, so this is a guess) and i felt deeply ashamed even though he’d just been overly affectionate and touchy. i felt wrong and my mind later blocked it out, so i never thought about it until i was fifteen, during the twitter movement i mentioned, which had triggered the attack. it wasn’t a severe assault but i still felt bruised.

from around the age of 13 i began wishing i was r*ped, because it would justify all my pain. despite the fact that i’ve been bullied and experienced home abuse, i feel as though i don’t deserve to be depressed, or to self-harm and have scars. over the past year that wish has gotten stronger because i feel as if i was sexually abused, even though i seemingly wasn’t.

if it helps, my dad also always accused me of being psychologically abnormal for no reason other than the fact that i was a talkative child and took long in the shower. he would threaten me by saying he’d book an appointment with a psychiatrist over matters so trivial i barely remember them. he’d call me autistic, ADHD, schizophrenic... my sister is even more talkative, and also has issues with food unrelated to weight gain, and other “quirks” (even though she is neurotypical) and yet she has NEVER been treated the same way. i was made to feel abnormal and defective my whole life, i was made to feel wrong, i was made to feel insane... and i don’t understand why it was always me.

i was on reddit and came across the subreddit r/repressedmemories, and everything described by users applied to me. i’m scared i’ve repressed a memory of sexual abuse, and i’ve wondered this for a long time. i doubt my father was the perpetrator, but i’ve been exhibiting CSA signs for as long as i can remember and it feels as if something is missing. i’ve been so anxious and unable to breathe because i’m scared something happened to me. i feel absolutely insane for questioning this but i don’t know what’s wrong with me. was i just always messed up? throughout my childhood i was treated differently, both at school and at home. i don’t know what to do.

recently, the dreams that i have often center around SA, but they involve the current version of me, never me as a child. this may just be a result of my fear of rape, or more?

does it seem as if i might have been a victim of CSA at a very young age, but have repressed the memory? i’m in despair trying to figure it all out.
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Anonymous #1
#2
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anyone?
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Anonymous #2
#3
Report 1 week ago
#3
(Original post by Anonymous)
i don’t really know how to start this.

since the age of 6, i felt very repulsed by my vagina, and i felt very filthy / unfeminine, to the point where i felt the pronouns she/her did not apply to me because i was just so dirty. at first, i associated these feelings with the racial harassment i faced at school (i’m black), but now i’m not so sure. unlike dysphoria, the feelings of being disconnected from my femininity faded, and in its place came the hypersexuality as a child.

i have also struggled with dissociation, namely derealisation (with a few experiences of depersonalisation) since the age of six. i am still plagued by derealisation and maladaptive daydreaming, but my daydreams can be very sexual.

from the ages of 9-13, i dealt with quite some childhood trauma which i don’t want to disclose, and it’s made my dissociation a lot worse. i suspect i have PTSD, but there’s also a nagging feeling that something happened in my very early years — perhaps from the ages of three to six years old.

i am a muslim, so i had never been exposed to sex / romance in my household. even before health education in school began, i was intrigued by childbirth and sexuality before i knew what sex was. once i’d learnt about puberty, i became obsessed with sex and nudity, and even started to masturbate. i was only ten. by the age of 11 shame got the best of me and i stopped completely, but in its place came odd fetishes that i daydreamed of before i’d even known what a fetish was (i had no idea what a fetish was until i was fifteen). i won’t disclose them but they were odd and slightly disturbing for a practicing muslim girl who’d never been explicitly exposed to sex.

for as long as i can remember, i also frequently experienced clenching sensations and phantom feelings of being touched between my legs, and felt hyperaware (and uncomfortable) of my sexuality — i recently learned this was a bodily response to rape.

from the age of 8 i’ve had very heavy and persistent discharge, and i didn’t start my period until the age of fourteen. i couldn’t wear underwear without wearing a thick pad, and i’ve never heard of a case where heavy discharge occurs six years before the first period. not sure if this is normal, or related to my question?

i also have very averse reactions to stories of sexual abuse/assault/rape. i recently had an anxiety attack over the mentions of sexual assault/rape on twitter (the i was [insert age] movement).

i also get intrusive sexual thoughts which can be very disturbing at times and have given me a lot of anxiety.

for as long as i can remember, my father has treated me very weirdly. my four years of childhood trauma is largely associated with him but it was physical / emotional stuff. however, he banned me from wearing leggings when i was ten because they “showed my form”, and bought me a bunch of super baggy sweatpants that he made me wear. i’d rebel from that rule because i found it so stupid, and sometimes it would go unnoticed for a few days before he’d realise and get angry. he never does this to my younger sister, who is at the same age i was when this began happening.

fast forward to last year — i caught him glancing at my breast once, even though i’m super thin and don’t really have a “form”. i’m super uneasy around him now, not only because of past trauma but also because i feel terrified that he might do something, even though he hasn’t done anything creepy sans what i’ve mentioned. i’ve had nightmares concerning my fears of rape, and really vivid intrusive memories of possible scenarios. i take everything he says as a red flag and i’m incredibly hyper-vigilant around boys my age or above (16+) and any men i encounter. i’m always on guard around men even though i have seemingly never suffered sexual trauma as a child. i’m not sure whether this is a result of being exposed to sexual assault stories in the news, or something that may lead to a bigger truth.

i had an encounter with a strange man at an airport aged nine (i’m not exactly sure how old i was, so this is a guess) and i felt deeply ashamed even though he’d just been overly affectionate and touchy. i felt wrong and my mind later blocked it out, so i never thought about it until i was fifteen, during the twitter movement i mentioned, which had triggered the attack. it wasn’t a severe assault but i still felt bruised.

from around the age of 13 i began wishing i was r*ped, because it would justify all my pain. despite the fact that i’ve been bullied and experienced home abuse, i feel as though i don’t deserve to be depressed, or to self-harm and have scars. over the past year that wish has gotten stronger because i feel as if i was sexually abused, even though i seemingly wasn’t.

if it helps, my dad also always accused me of being psychologically abnormal for no reason other than the fact that i was a talkative child and took long in the shower. he would threaten me by saying he’d book an appointment with a psychiatrist over matters so trivial i barely remember them. he’d call me autistic, ADHD, schizophrenic... my sister is even more talkative, and also has issues with food unrelated to weight gain, and other “quirks” (even though she is neurotypical) and yet she has NEVER been treated the same way. i was made to feel abnormal and defective my whole life, i was made to feel wrong, i was made to feel insane... and i don’t understand why it was always me.

i was on reddit and came across the subreddit r/repressedmemories, and everything described by users applied to me. i’m scared i’ve repressed a memory of sexual abuse, and i’ve wondered this for a long time. i doubt my father was the perpetrator, but i’ve been exhibiting CSA signs for as long as i can remember and it feels as if something is missing. i’ve been so anxious and unable to breathe because i’m scared something happened to me. i feel absolutely insane for questioning this but i don’t know what’s wrong with me. was i just always messed up? throughout my childhood i was treated differently, both at school and at home. i don’t know what to do.

recently, the dreams that i have often center around SA, but they involve the current version of me, never me as a child. this may just be a result of my fear of rape, or more?

does it seem as if i might have been a victim of CSA at a very young age, but have repressed the memory? i’m in despair trying to figure it all out.
Hi, I believe this to be a case of waswas (satanic whispers) especially since many of your concerns and worries are quite speculatory around past experiences rather than 100% fact. My biggest advice would be to ask Allah s.w.t for advice by making dua, also ensuring you keep up with Salah as our mental state and internal wellbeing is often out of balance due to neglect of the salah.
Please understand waswas can be extremely debilitating and often undetected, so try to research how to deal with it by watching a lecture, perhaps if you can find one speaking about waswas in a sexual context more related to your situation then that is better.

I understand this answer perhaps isn't what you were expecting but please look beyond the generality of my answer as it really may be helpful to you.
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Anonymous #1
#4
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Hi, I believe this to be a case of waswas (satanic whispers) especially since many of your concerns and worries are quite speculatory around past experiences rather than 100% fact. My biggest advice would be to ask Allah s.w.t for advice by making dua, also ensuring you keep up with Salah as our mental state and internal wellbeing is often out of balance due to neglect of the salah.
Please understand waswas can be extremely debilitating and often undetected, so try to research how to deal with it by watching a lecture, perhaps if you can find one speaking about waswas in a sexual context more related to your situation then that is better.

I understand this answer perhaps isn't what you were expecting but please look beyond the generality of my answer as it really may be helpful to you.
i read surat al-mulk last night and prayed to Allah to help shed light on my situation, i’m continuing to do this until i can make sense of dreams / have a flashback of some sort.

i currently can’t pray but i’ve been trying to keep His name on my tongue... i struggle with sticking to prayers sometimes but i have alhamdulillah managed to keep up with fajr. i’ll continue to use prayers to make sense of everything once i can.

i’ve dealt with waswas my whole life but i’m able to force it down; this is different to everything else :/
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Anonymous #3
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Hi, I think that it would be beneficial for you to talk to someone about this. schools, online helplines, SA helplines, maybe there is even youtube vids with advice from specialists, etc. It wouldn't do any harm to try to understand the trauma you are dealing with
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Anonymous #2
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(Original post by Anonymous)
i read surat al-mulk last night and prayed to Allah to help shed light on my situation, i’m continuing to do this until i can make sense of dreams / have a flashback of some sort.

i currently can’t pray but i’ve been trying to keep His name on my tongue... i struggle with sticking to prayers sometimes but i have alhamdulillah managed to keep up with fajr. i’ll continue to use prayers to make sense of everything once i can.

i’ve dealt with waswas my whole life but i’m able to force it down; this is different to everything else :/
Certainly make the prayer your top priority, as in you never miss any of the 5 obligatory in their specific timings bc thats literally your sole purpose in this life. Perhaps not sticking to the prayers 100% is a contributing factor?
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Kerzen
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How old are you?
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Certainly make the prayer your top priority, as in you never miss any of the 5 obligatory in their specific timings bc thats literally your sole purpose in this life. Perhaps not sticking to the prayers 100% is a contributing factor?
i doubt it, because this has been going on since i was six. prayer is so important to me but unfortunately mental illness has f-ed things up for me, but i try everyday
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Kerzen)
How old are you?
16
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Kerzen
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(Original post by Anonymous)
16
In that case, I think that it is really important that you do two things. One is to ask your surgery for an appointment with one of the female GPs, with a view to arranging counselling if not something more specific.

The other thing I would recommend is that you get in touch with Childline. They are open virtually 24 hours; this means there will always be someone for you to talk to and you will get the ongoing support you clearly need.

https://www.childline.org.uk/get-support/
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Anonymous #2
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(Original post by Anonymous)
i doubt it, because this has been going on since i was six. prayer is so important to me but unfortunately mental illness has f-ed things up for me, but
I'd really advise you try your best to make dua for Allah s.w.t to help, because sometimes pharmaceuticals make you alot worse and misdiagnoses are very common. The best advice I can give you is to try your very best to seek knowledge about waswas and mental challenges from an Islamic position and not go down the rabbit hole of medications that cause more harm than good or therapies that confuse you even more. Due to the more general nature of your story, I cant give a much better answer however please understand not everything is always as seems and the devil is our biggest adversary, he will trick you that something is wrong with you when that is not the case, or something is wanting to harm you when that isn't the case either! Do speak to a doctor however dont let them force you into a decision, and also speak to an imam you trust (if you dont have one then please let me know I can put you in contact with a masjid run by very knowledgeable and easy going brothers whose advice really helped me win my battle with waswas (which caused me to have severe panic attacks)
May Allah s.w.t grant you shifa and guide you and us all ameen.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Kerzen)
In that case, I think that it is really important that you do two things. One is to ask your surgery for an appointment with one of the female GPs, with a view to arranging counselling if not something more specific.

The other thing I would recommend is that you get in touch with Childline. They are open virtually 24 hours; this means there will always be someone for you to talk to and you will get the ongoing support you clearly need.

https://www.childline.org.uk/get-support/
i can’t do that currently but it’ll be something i look into once i turn eighteen. i’ve been searching online a little and i have doubts that perhaps something happened to me when i was two or three, and i’ve just shown the fear towards my father because our relationship is already slightly strained? i love my father a lot no matter what and i really don’t think it could ever be him. i feel evil for even suggesting it...

as of now i guess i’ll stop obsessing over what could’ve happened and just wait for the answers to come; they’ll show themselves eventually.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I'd really advise you try your best to make dua for Allah s.w.t to help, because sometimes pharmaceuticals make you alot worse and misdiagnoses are very common. The best advice I can give you is to try your very best to seek knowledge about waswas and mental challenges from an Islamic position and not go down the rabbit hole of medications that cause more harm than good or therapies that confuse you even more. Due to the more general nature of your story, I cant give a much better answer however please understand not everything is always as seems and the devil is our biggest adversary, he will trick you that something is wrong with you when that is not the case, or something is wanting to harm you when that isn't the case either! Do speak to a doctor however dont let them force you into a decision, and also speak to an imam you trust (if you dont have one then please let me know I can put you in contact with a masjid run by very knowledgeable and easy going brothers whose advice really helped me win my battle with waswas (which caused me to have severe panic attacks)
May Allah s.w.t grant you shifa and guide you and us all ameen.
jazakAllah khairan, thank you so much for your response. dua is my best friend, i know that for sure. i’m glad things got better for you, alhamdulillah. may Allah bless you and grant you Jannah, ameen
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Kerzen
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(Original post by Anonymous)
i can’t do that currently but it’ll be something i look into once i turn eighteen. i’ve been searching online a little and i have doubts that perhaps something happened to me when i was two or three, and i’ve just shown the fear towards my father because our relationship is already slightly strained? i love my father a lot no matter what and i really don’t think it could ever be him. i feel evil for even suggesting it...

as of now i guess i’ll stop obsessing over what could’ve happened and just wait for the answers to come; they’ll show themselves eventually.
Why is it something you can't do currently? You seem distressed about this at the moment.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Kerzen)
Why is it something you can't do currently? You seem distressed about this at the moment.
i’d have to let my parents know which i absolutely cannot do for various reasons, and i’m also not in the UK and the country i’m in leans towards private clinics which again isn’t practical
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