Could I have handled this better?

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Anonymous #1
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I was recently dating a girl and it was getting to the stage where we were talking about a relationship and having something long term. That being said, she text me last night to say that she doesn't think we'll work as a couple. I'm not sure if I handled it well.

I asked why because I felt like I deserved an explanation. I asked that she just be straight with me. I asked if it was me coming on too strong (which I suspected). So I asked if that bothered her. She said it was neither and that "she just wasn't feeling a big spark". I realised that she wasn't going to tell me specifically so I didn't want to keep pressing her.
She apologised but I said (more or less word for word) : "don't apologise. It's not your fault. Like I said the other day. You can't negotiate attraction or make your heart feel something it won't. I hope you find what you're looking for" to which she thanked me for. Then I said "if things change in the future.."

I haven't spoke to her since. There's absolutely no point trying to persuade her to stay with me. I am hoping that she'll change her mind. I'll be honest. But I know that's a decision she has to make. There was no obvious reason why she broke it off. I hadn't done anything to hurt her or disrespect her, or done any wrong to her.
I'm starting a new job in a few weeks whilst I'm finishing my masters dissertation. I also want to lose weight. So that'll be my priority and keep me distracted. If she does come back to me then great. If not then I'll be a much better version of myself.

Have or am I going about this right?
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neal95
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dont be a pushover. If they have chosen to not pursue things with you, then they clearly dont care about you enough, so you should value yourself higher and try to find a better match for you. youve gone about it wrong as you are showing weakness by giving her the option to treat you as a last option at some undefined point in the future
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Anonymous #2
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I was recently dating a girl and it was getting to the stage where we were talking about a relationship and having something long term. That being said, she text me last night to say that she doesn't think we'll work as a couple. I'm not sure if I handled it well.

I asked why because I felt like I deserved an explanation. I asked that she just be straight with me. I asked if it was me coming on too strong (which I suspected). So I asked if that bothered her. She said it was neither and that "she just wasn't feeling a big spark". I realised that she wasn't going to tell me specifically so I didn't want to keep pressing her.
She apologised but I said (more or less word for word) : "don't apologise. It's not your fault. Like I said the other day. You can't negotiate attraction or make your heart feel something it won't. I hope you find what you're looking for" to which she thanked me for. Then I said "if things change in the future.."

I haven't spoke to her since. There's absolutely no point trying to persuade her to stay with me. I am hoping that she'll change her mind. I'll be honest. But I know that's a decision she has to make. There was no obvious reason why she broke it off. I hadn't done anything to hurt her or disrespect her, or done any wrong to her.
I'm starting a new job in a few weeks whilst I'm finishing my masters dissertation. I also want to lose weight. So that'll be my priority and keep me distracted. If she does come back to me then great. If not then I'll be a much better version of myself.

Have or am I going about this right?
Personally, I think you’re handling this very well and maturely. Do things for yourself, and do things that’ll make you happy. If you feel like you can move on, try dating other people and see if you feel they want the same things as you. If you keep hoping that she’ll change her mind, what if she doesn’t? I’m sorry if this is coming of harsh it really isn’t my intention. But you should live your life to the fullest and enjoy everything that comes your way. Whether she changes her mind or not, do things that make you happy, and you’ll realise what you truest deserve. Keep your head up and don’t let anything or anyone stop you. Who knows, maybe you’ll find someone who’s great and will want the same things you do
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Personally, I think you’re handling this very well and maturely. Do things for yourself, and do things that’ll make you happy. If you feel like you can move on, try dating other people and see if you feel they want the same things as you. If you keep hoping that she’ll change her mind, what if she doesn’t? I’m sorry if this is coming of harsh it really isn’t my intention. But you should live your life to the fullest and enjoy everything that comes your way. Whether she changes her mind or not, do things that make you happy, and you’ll realise what you truest deserve. Keep your head up and don’t let anything or anyone stop you. Who knows, maybe you’ll find someone who’s great and will want the same things you do
Thank you.

Thats a good point. Honestly? It would be nice if she did. But I know she may not. Either way there's nothing I can do. It has to be her decision. I can't influence her. If she doesn't then that's just tough isn't it.

I don't think dating other people is a good idea for me. I'd be treating others like a rebound and that's just not fair to the other person
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by neal95)
dont be a pushover. If they have chosen to not pursue things with you, then they clearly dont care about you enough, so you should value yourself higher and try to find a better match for you. youve gone about it wrong as you are showing weakness by giving her the option to treat you as a last option at some undefined point in the future
What would you do differently then?
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neal95
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(Original post by Anonymous)
What would you do differently then?
find someone else? mentally, she has switched off - she is done, finished and won't entertain the idea of being with you. nothing you say or do will change that, so why waste time and effort trying to change her mind, when you can be moving onto new things and meeting new people, some of whom may potentially be what you are seeking?
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LovelyMrFox
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It sounds like she just didnt see you as anything more than a friend. It sounds like you handled it correctly but I wouldnt wait around for her. You both were only talking, theres no real reason she would go back to you.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by LovelyMrFox)
It sounds like she just didnt see you as anything more than a friend. It sounds like you handled it correctly but I wouldnt wait around for her. You both were only talking, theres no real reason she would go back to you.
To be fair she hasn't mentioned friendship or anything like that. It would be game over if she did haha.
No it was more than talking. We did have a few dates, had slept together, talked about the future etc. It wasn't serious but the vibe that is was heading towards a relationship
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ROTL94
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(Original post by Anonymous)
She apologised but I said (more or less word for word) : "don't apologise. It's not your fault. Like I said the other day. You can't negotiate attraction or make your heart feel something it won't. I hope you find what you're looking for" to which she thanked me for. Then I said "if things change in the future.."
That's very familiar. On one of your dates did she go on her phone then leave claiming that her sister called?
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LovelyMrFox
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(Original post by Anonymous)
To be fair she hasn't mentioned friendship or anything like that. It would be game over if she did haha.
No it was more than talking. We did have a few dates, had slept together, talked about the future etc. It wasn't serious but the vibe that is was heading towards a relationship
It still doesnt sound like she would have any interest in coming back. The spark was gone, and nothing was ever serious.
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Anonymous #1
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Well earlier tonight she text me asking why I deleted her off Facebook. I'm a bit confused really. Why does she care? She made the decision to leave. I can't be friends with someone who doesn't reciprocate my feelings.

I haven't replied yet.
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