Idk, anxiety, insecurity, depression

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Ender_
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#1
Report Thread starter 6 days ago
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So.. on the 8th of March, schools are opening again and I'm really worried about it. I've had a speech disorder since I was a kid which can't remember it being diagnosed by a doctor but I've done some research and the closest I can find to it is something along the lines of appraxia of speech. To be honest, I don't feel comfortable even asking my parents about it because they do get annoyed by it when I stammer, e.g. answering them back late or not answering at all because I can't get the words out. I had classes when I was around 9 or 10 but I stopped going to it for some reason I'm not sure of but possibly because they weren't helping, I remember them making me feel even more nervous and uncomfortable.
I'm that kid who sticks to themselves at school but it's not always that easy. I have social anxiety because I feel people will judge me if they hear me stammer and I'll be laughed at. I feel this is the main problem because I was fine hanging out with people in my primary school as they knew I had a stammering issue, and we were kids, teenagers tend to be more judgamental I think.
And I'm scared of my swimming lessons which are compulsory and I'll have to continue. I'm not good at it but I know how to swim but I absolutely hate it. First term in my new high year I skipped all apart from 2 of my swimming lessons by begging my parents to write a note saying I'm ill or telling the teacher 'I forgot my P.E. kit'. Like I know how to swim, why do I have to do it up to Year 10?? I hate the water I hate the chlorine, I hate randonly imagining scenes of me falling of a bridge and drowning, I hate thinking about all the germs in the pool, because chlorine doesn't kill all germs and it doesn't change the fact if someone does anything disgusting in the pool.
And damn, to add to all this, I've become insecure about my body and face. The school had a stupid rule where your swimming kit HAS to be a one-piece and HAS to be black. When I did swimming in my primary school I wore grey swimming shorts and a shirt sorta thing which but now I have to wear this tight, backless, short, sleeveless swimming kit. I've tried to find one which covers at least most of my body but all the 'one-piece' and black ones are expensive af and my parents are tight on money. Before I got the swimming kit from above ^, I found this one which at LEAST covered my back, but it was blue in places and it WASNT allowed. Like wtf??? It's a damn swimming lesson not a fashion show or some ****. I've tried losing weight and eating less to make me more happy with my body but I look the same and my parents won't let me diet because "I'm growing". I tried becoming vegan some time ago but my parents said it wss expensive and we aren't exactly rich. I feel guilty about asking them again because they're already paying a lot for my school fees. I don't have space to exercize because we live in a small house amd the place is always a mess and I can't go out to walj becaise of Covid 19 and I'm not allowed to walk on my own, unless it's to and from school, which is quite near. I haven't got time because I'm studying in the morning, and mainly having fun at night when I get time and can't fall asleep.
This may sound dumb but I'm worried how I look without my glasses on. They usually hide my greyish under the eye parts, pimples, pimples, and generally any other things.
It's bloody embarrasing to be plodding on behind the rest of my class-, i'm one of the two people in my clazz who can't swim decently enough without a swimming woggle tube thing. Being slow make me feel even more worse about my body.
Being in quarantine makes me feel safe and I feel guilty about it because they're are people dying at out there... I feel guilty that I'm complaining and should be grateful for all I have. I feel guilty about feeling like this and sometimes feel like am I doing this for attention?
I've become depressed for maybe over half a year, being exposed to the internet can reveal many sad things about life, suicides, cyber bullies, self harm and other absoluetly horrific stuff. Like damn, a YouTuber who left the platform some time ago was accused of rape. He was part of my childhood.
Arund a 2 weeks ago I found something I could do and enjoy, drawing and making comics. My dream is to become a Youtube Animator and entertain people make they feel happy and hopefully get rich and donate to charities, help people on the streets, just help the world become a better place as muvh as I can, Crazy dream innit, but I felt really motivated and inspired to actually do something useful and fun in my life. Around 3 days ago, my dad for some reason thought I was doing something bad becaude I always kept my drawings to myself and he wanted to see my drawings. I said I didn't want to show him and he tried grabbing it from me. He called my mom down and she backed him up and told me to give my drawings to him. I tolx them it wasn't anything wrong and they don't need to see it. My dad got angry and started yelling then again, I felt guilty. He was going through a hard time his mom"s in hospital and I'm making **** worse for him. I started crying and he made some stupid threats and grabbed the papers. It was just drawings but I didn't want them to see it. Bruh ,even after looking at the first what 50 fifty pages he still was like 'check every page'. I feel bad for hating him but now I feel even more distanced from everyone

Yeah.. this was a rant if you have any advice I'd really really appreciate it, it's 3am in the morning, good night people
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hxnnxh_13.11.06
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Well, I'd say being awake at 3am isn't great... especially not on devices... but usually when you're tired you tend to overthink things and stress over things that aren't worth stressing about. Everyone does that, don't think I'm calling you out, I do it too. Try to get a decent sleeping pattern in and you should feel much better.
I'm the same as you as I'm absolutely terrified of going back to school. I'm professionally diagnosed with high-functioning anxiety, and the thought of going back to everyone and being put under pressure and having to make contact with people is petrifying. I know I must do it, though. I have no choice. Everyone who's scared of going back must face their fears. It's very rare someone is homeschooled, so we'll have to go back in at some point.
As for the swimming, my school did girls' swimming the first half term and boys' swimming the second half term of the year. I HATE swimming, and to hear I'd have to do it after one week in my new school, I wasn't very happy. I managed to get away with it on the excuse that I didn't want to because of Covid. Maybe say that? That you don't feel comfortable going swimming with other people because you're scared of Covid. It worked for me, I'm sure it will work for you. The school can't stop you from saying that, if they still make you go you have a good enough argument to say no and then they could get into trouble if they still force you to swim.
That's really the only advice I have, I'm sorry this doesn't cover anything, but I hope this helps
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