Boyfriend will not save money

Your stubbornness in wanting to stay with him now is storing up a huge problem for the future.

Incompatability over money: earning it, spending it, investing it; is the biggest cause of divorce in the UK.
You have almost no chance of a happy long term future with him.

Your boyfriend reminds me of Timmy Timpson, the spolit kid from Viz, who is always getting his mum to buy him presents. Your boyfriend's dad is a soft touch; underwriting the purchase of a £10k Audi A1, which is a highly mediore car anyway. It's not even the best car that Audi does. Not by a long way.

Your boyfriend may well be a nice enough bloke, but when it comes to the major decisions in his life he's got something soft and brown for brains.

I think it's morally quite repellent that he's living somewhere rent free and then tapping up his dad for a £10k(ish) loan on a stupid Audi A1. I think it's clear from what you've said that you realise that this is not admirable behaviour from your boyfriend.

If your boyfriend were the only boy in the world - and yes he is still very much a boy even though he's 20 - I'd say carry on with him. But he's not. There will be hundreds of men at your uni that will have nicer personalities than your boyfriend and who will be far more compatible with you when it comes to money.

For now, you are happy sacrificing yourself for your boyfriend.
Every day you spend with him is a day's missed opportunity for you to meet your true soul mate. A man that will be an equal partner for you, and not a millstone. A man that will love and respect you and not take you for granted. A man that will be worthy of your love.

Eventually you will get tired of carrying your boyfriend. And you will resent that he has been holding you back in your life.

There's the cliche about our 5 closest friends being a very strong indicator of where we will go in life and what we will achieve.

@Dunnig Kruger This is why I have nominated you in the best agony aunt category of the TSR community awards (and I do this every year).

Your advice, as always, is flawless.

My ex husband was really stupid with money. Our house was literally falling apart, but he was spending all his money on clothes and cars. When he left me, the first thing he bought was a Mercedes. That says it all, doesn't it?

Although I did not do very well financially after the divorce, tmy modest settlement was a fortune, as he used to spend all the family money on himself.

It is true that if you are a sensible saver, like me, and you are stuck with a spendthrift, you can end up really resenting it and it can be the death knell for a relationship.

Reply 21

Lillyanne11

OP

7

Original post by Dunnig Kruger

Your stubbornness in wanting to stay with him now is storing up a huge problem for the future.

Incompatability over money: earning it, spending it, investing it; is the biggest cause of divorce in the UK.
You have almost no chance of a happy long term future with him.

Your boyfriend reminds me of Timmy Timpson, the spolit kid from Viz, who is always getting his mum to buy him presents. Your boyfriend's dad is a soft touch; underwriting the purchase of a £10k Audi A1, which is a highly mediore car anyway. It's not even the best car that Audi does. Not by a long way.

Your boyfriend may well be a nice enough bloke, but when it comes to the major decisions in his life he's got something soft and brown for brains.

I think it's morally quite repellent that he's living somewhere rent free and then tapping up his dad for a £10k(ish) loan on a stupid Audi A1. I think it's clear from what you've said that you realise that this is not admirable behaviour from your boyfriend.

If your boyfriend were the only boy in the world - and yes he is still very much a boy even though he's 20 - I'd say carry on with him. But he's not. There will be hundreds of men at your uni that will have nicer personalities than your boyfriend and who will be far more compatible with you when it comes to money.

For now, you are happy sacrificing yourself for your boyfriend.
Every day you spend with him is a day's missed opportunity for you to meet your true soul mate. A man that will be an equal partner for you, and not a millstone. A man that will love and respect you and not take you for granted. A man that will be worthy of your love.

Eventually you will get tired of carrying your boyfriend. And you will resent that he has been holding you back in your life.

There's the cliche about our 5 closest friends being a very strong indicator of where we will go in life and what we will achieve.

Yeah I understand, thankyou so much for your reply!

Reply 22

2500_2

18

Original post by Lillyanne11

Thanks for your response! Well that’s not how I’d want to come across at all and I think on here without knowing a person it’s hard to know what that persons like and in reality I’m a very chilled out girlfriend however this is something that gets to me.. yes initially I was a little jealous of the car (as I think most would be) but as I wrote on this after a couple of days I was just happy for him that he’d got the car he wants. I have no issue with his interest in cars, I like that he’s enthusiastic about something but to spend ALL your money on that 1 thing when you don’t earn much money as it is, is a bit irresponsible in my opinion especially when we’ve spoken about saving for a house and going travelling and he said he definitely wants to do that but spends every penny on the car that’s the problem.

Sounds like it's frustrating because you're currently putting all your emotional energy into 'us' and he's putting his into 'me'. Neither is inherently wrong but the mismatch is the issue and as others have said this will become a problem when you are more settled into your careers and have an earning imbalance to navigate healthily, even more so if you want a family and the new financial map that involves.

I think you've articulated well where ideally you want to see him compromise, you may need to work a bit harder to get to the bottom of where you will need to compromise as you're currently sat in the critical camp.

At the very least tell him how hurt you were at the lack of effort for valentines, in the least confrontational way you can so he doesn't just react defensively. He's a 20-year-old boy, they are usually rubbish at reading women's minds, you have to straight-up tell him what you do want.

Reply 23

Oxford Mum

21

Sounds like a plan!

I keep using the example of the valentines card , as these are not very expensive and buying one would take minimal effort, as they are available in every supermarket. However the boyfriend is not even capable of this very small gesture.

This would be ringing alarm bells with me, I’m afraid.

Reply 24

2500_2

18

Original post by Oxford Mum

Sounds like a plan!

I keep using the example of the valentines card , as these are not very expensive and buying one would take minimal effort, as they are available in every supermarket. However the boyfriend is not even capable of this very small gesture.

This would be ringing alarm bells with me, I’m afraid.

I'd probably give him the benefit of the doubt right now - his family clearly believe in big-money 'support' more than little gestures of everyday caring (or at least that's what he may have learned means a loving relationship). The test will be as to whether he's prepared to make the effort once he knows what she needs right now.

Reply 25

Trinculo

21

On TSR, the answer is always "leave him".

Then they wonder why there are 100 threads about "why am I always single?"

Turn this thread around, and I guarantee you half the keening harpies on here would be screaming at the heavens about dangerous males financially abusing and controlling women and how its a dangerous predictor of violence. Half of you guys never stop to think how absolutely stupid most of your advice is.

He likes his cars. Big deal. Let him be. In all likelihood he'll end up in engineering, earn a bunch of money and everyone will be happy.

Reply 26

bones-mccoy

19

It doesn't sound like the two of you are very compatible relationship-wise. You have different priorities and it shows - you have a much more mature mindset, wanting to save for the future and thinking sensibly, whereas he wants a flashy new car which he can't afford cause he wants to show off to his mates. There's nothing wrong with enjoying yourself when you're young, but there has to be a balance. I think the most telling thing is the Valentines day scenario, you didn't expect a massive shower of gifts or anything but for him to not put in any effort whatsoever says a lot. And that's not even about money.

If his parents are happy to fund his lifestyle, there's not much you can do about that. But remember that this guy will struggle in the real world if he's just had everything handed to him on a plate so far. You've worked hard for what you earn so will flourish when living in your own place and having responsibilities, whereas he'll need a lot of hand holding. What's going to happen if you ever move in together? Are you going to fund him? Will you have to pay his share of the bills because he's spent all his money on his car? Will you have to take financial responsibility for everything because he's so inept?

I wouldn't jump to 'dump him' without having a serious conversation with him. How he reacts to your concerns and any change of behaviour afterwards will tell you exactly what your next step should be. You are still young, don't settle for anyone.

(edited 3 years ago)

Boyfriend will not save money

Quick Reply

Related discussions

Latest

Trending

Trending

Articles for you