I don't think I can go back

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Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 6 days ago
#1
Recently, I've been dropped from my "friendship" group and been the student everyone doesn't like to some degree in 3 out of my four classes (the last class I don't really speak in so they can't hate me... right?). I can't just go and get into another group because through the course of my time at school I've floated between many groups and no one really wants me back.

This is fine because we haven't been going into school but the idea of going back and having to speak to people who I know make fun of me behind my back is daunting. Because of this, I've developed a phobia of talking to people and another phobia of having people look at my face...

I also do Drama A level, which makes keeping quiet and just doing my work impossible (I picked it last year when I was decently liked). I'm not sure if it is insensitive of me to ask to continue online schooling while everyone goes back. I really don't think I can go back...
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sanct1fy
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Hi, this seems like a really tough time for you and if there is some consolation in saying this I have been in near the same situation before. May I ask, what happened when you were 'dropped' by them? Did they just start ignoring you or did they tell you that they didn't want to be with you anymore? I totally understand the fears and constant worries you'll have in the back of your mind when you go back in and that's totally okay. Also just a heads up, anything you feel is the right decision in regards to you isn't insensitive or wrong, if it's your decision then that's that.

As for the fears, I get that totally. Have you got anyone to speak to about this? Remember that everything that comes out of this isn't a part of you, but is a part of the situation you're in. Nothing you have because of what is going on around you makes you who you are, so try not to blame yourself because it really isn't your fault at all.
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Anonymous #1
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Report Thread starter 5 days ago
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(Original post by sanct1fy)
Hi, this seems like a really tough time for you and if there is some consolation in saying this I have been in near the same situation before. May I ask, what happened when you were 'dropped' by them? Did they just start ignoring you or did they tell you that they didn't want to be with you anymore? I totally understand the fears and constant worries you'll have in the back of your mind when you go back in and that's totally okay. Also just a heads up, anything you feel is the right decision in regards to you isn't insensitive or wrong, if it's your decision then that's that.

As for the fears, I get that totally. Have you got anyone to speak to about this? Remember that everything that comes out of this isn't a part of you, but is a part of the situation you're in. Nothing you have because of what is going on around you makes you who you are, so try not to blame yourself because it really isn't your fault at all.
Thanks for the reply, I'm glad you took the time to read what I had to say

I've always been a background character in the group but recently, it's like I don't even exist. The people in the group would ask something to everyone but me and it became clear to me the reason why, when they individually avoided being left with me. They would all say they have something they need to do or be or suggest we go find the others in the group. At one point, I heard two of them remark that they would rather stand than sit next to me. This made me incredibly insecure and now I can't talk to the two that said it.

The only people I can speak to about it are in the group and insist that I'm just imagining it but i'm really not convinced. They have said the same thing to others who have been dropped from the group before.
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sanct1fy
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I see, that does sound like a really nasty situation to be in. I've been in the same position in the past, and from what I've experienced I think the best option for you is to let go of them completely. I know you might have some forms of hope in reconciliation but if they were your real friends they'd never let you have any of these thoughts in the first place, and even if you did, you'd actually be able to properly tell them and have them understand, but they ignore you and seem to not even consider the fact that you're there. I also really hate the fact that they said that comment you mentioned, that is just so uncalled for. I would've assumed that they just simply don't care about your presence but the fact they said that just makes them seem like a**holes. I also think that the people you feel that you can talk to from that group are in the same mindset as the others, especially if they said the exact same thing about past members. This is a really horrible situation to be in and I hope you're not feeling overwhelmed at the moment. If there is anyone at all that you can speak to who is close to you I suggest you speak to them about it, the best thing to start doing now is properly laying out your feelings and thoughts to someone, or perhaps even yourself. I think at this stage you could be convincing yourself of things that are not true (who you are, what you're like, how you talk, being insensitive, etc.) and it's okay to feel these things, but you need a way of properly laying down those thoughts and feelings rather than keeping them locked up in yourself.

How long have you been friends with these people? Have they always been like this? I totally get the fact that you're panicking about going back to school, but you must remember that it comes with situations like this. My advice for this would be to look at it from an outsider's POV - imagine someone close to you had come to you and told you that they were feeling these things, you'd soon realise that these are not a part of who you are and what you're like, but merely your mind making you fear things that aren't happening. If you are unsure who to go to, my inbox is always open
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Anonymous #1
#5
Report Thread starter 5 days ago
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(Original post by sanct1fy)
I see, that does sound like a really nasty situation to be in. I've been in the same position in the past, and from what I've experienced I think the best option for you is to let go of them completely. I know you might have some forms of hope in reconciliation but if they were your real friends they'd never let you have any of these thoughts in the first place, and even if you did, you'd actually be able to properly tell them and have them understand, but they ignore you and seem to not even consider the fact that you're there. I also really hate the fact that they said that comment you mentioned, that is just so uncalled for. I would've assumed that they just simply don't care about your presence but the fact they said that just makes them seem like a**holes. I also think that the people you feel that you can talk to from that group are in the same mindset as the others, especially if they said the exact same thing about past members. This is a really horrible situation to be in and I hope you're not feeling overwhelmed at the moment. If there is anyone at all that you can speak to who is close to you I suggest you speak to them about it, the best thing to start doing now is properly laying out your feelings and thoughts to someone, or perhaps even yourself. I think at this stage you could be convincing yourself of things that are not true (who you are, what you're like, how you talk, being insensitive, etc.) and it's okay to feel these things, but you need a way of properly laying down those thoughts and feelings rather than keeping them locked up in yourself.

How long have you been friends with these people? Have they always been like this? I totally get the fact that you're panicking about going back to school, but you must remember that it comes with situations like this. My advice for this would be to look at it from an outsider's POV - imagine someone close to you had come to you and told you that they were feeling these things, you'd soon realise that these are not a part of who you are and what you're like, but merely your mind making you fear things that aren't happening. If you are unsure who to go to, my inbox is always open
I've been "friends" with them since maybe 2017/2018 though I doubt they ever saw me as anything but someone who sits with them. I've never really been close with any of them but that didn't bother me because I was a social floater before. To be honest, it's probably my fault because i'm quite boring, relatively unattractive, unfunny and I don't really fit in with them - they are all attractive/talented/funny/ have loads of other friends (their snap and insta dms are always full or have unread messages while mine is empty) etc.

I've recently spent quite a lot of time (when school was open) in the toilets (I know embarrassing for a sixth former) but this was the time I was having pretty bad episodes. I heard them vent about how frustrating it was for one of us to constantly keep being dramatic and how they kept crying so I figured it would be better to be by myself. Lo and behold they didn't even notice I was gone and I bet nobody even asked "where's *****". I'm not sure they've ever even said that i'm part of the group once and I think I was just jumping to conclusions by assuming I was one of them just because they added me to a gc.

There's a joke that I don't talk on the group chat but that's because i'm quite boring. I'm also too scared to be laughed at or ignored so I keep my interactions minimal - this means I can't even jokingly say "Where's my invite" when they hold parties or when one person was making things for everyone else and asked everyone but me what they'd like. I was being arrogant and now I can't even find the will to make new friends. Not to mention I don't really have anyone to go to.

Sorry for ranting, just over the course of writing this, i'm questioning if I was ever a friend to them at all haha

Ah well I've got to get over it I suppose. I'll take your advice and tell myself that it isn't my fault (though it's quite hard )
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sanct1fy
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#6
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Jeez, that is quite a while that you've known them. I guess it makes sense why you didn't realise earlier on considering that's all you'd known at the time. When you're experiencing something for the first time, such as a friendship group at a mature age, you don't really consider anything outside, no matter how messed up or sh*tty it is. Also, you definitely shouldn't blame yourself, I know it is super hard not to, but in situations like this, you really need to realise that this is happening TO you, not BECAUSE of you! I totally get that you might feel like you don't fit in, but that doesn't mean that they should treat you like that, especially for the reasons you mentioned, which I'm sure aren't true either. I know it must hurt a lot considering all the things that you feel about yourself, but at the end of the day, who you are should not overcome what others want or see you as, and a lot of the time we tend to believe that (e.g I can do what I want and idc what anyone thinks of me), but then at the same time, we get hurt when we don't get what we initially expected, and convince ourselves of 'truths' that were created because of the situations that are happening. For example, when I was in year 11, my old friendship group made fun of me for moving to a different sixth-form (because our secondary school had a sixth form that most of the students went to) and picking art subjects. They called me insults and whatever have you, but when I applied i told myself that I really didn't care what anyone thought of me, so long as I was doing what I wanted I'd be happy. But, in those situations when they made fun of me (I was a quiet, shy kid with a stutter) I felt so embarrassed because there was no one there to be on my side at all, and when it's 'all you know' (a.k.a the friendship group), you feel so alone and you start questioning what you're doing and questioning all the decisions you've ever made. I had a f**k ton of things that came into my head because of the whole thing - feeling like i'd have no friends, I was stupid, v ugly, small, boring, unpopular, all this stuff. I eventually deleted all my social media accounts and created new ones which I blocked them all on after results day, and I've never seen them ever again (I was friends in their group since 2014).

I really feel sorry for you in this situation because I know you must be feeling as though that everything you are feeling about yourself IS 100% the truth, but I am telling you rn its not!! I know some random person telling you on TSR won't do the trick, so you need to remember who you are and what your worth to yourself, which is way more than those people, regardless of whether you think you're unattractive or unfunny or boring. You are worth a million times more than any of those people, so don't let them get in the way of who you are. From what you've said, I don't even think you were their friends in the first place, and good on you. You should never be friends who would treat ANYONE like that, regardless of what they're like.

Don't let these people dictate what you see yourself and your own life as, and as much it's really hard to not blame yourself for all these things happening, its true...of course you're going to see yourself as a potential reason behind this situation; the people who are similar to the rest of the group are 'accepted', and the people who aren't (in this situation, you) aren't. But you need to remember that just because you are different to who they are does not mean you are lower than them. Let me ask you this - judging from how they treat people, what they're like, how they don't even seem to care about the fact that someone is going to the toilets and having breakdowns, talking smack behind people's backs...would you really want to fit in?

These people will quite literally take control of your life mentally. Get rid. ASAP - you're amazing in your own way and nobody should let you think otherwise. Especially these kn*bheads. There are so many people out there who would love to be friends with you (including me ) so don't give up hope on them because they're waiting for someone like you to come into their life.
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Anonymous #1
#7
Report Thread starter 4 days ago
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(Original post by sanct1fy)
Jeez, that is quite a while that you've known them. I guess it makes sense why you didn't realise earlier on considering that's all you'd known at the time. When you're experiencing something for the first time, such as a friendship group at a mature age, you don't really consider anything outside, no matter how messed up or sh*tty it is. Also, you definitely shouldn't blame yourself, I know it is super hard not to, but in situations like this, you really need to realise that this is happening TO you, not BECAUSE of you! I totally get that you might feel like you don't fit in, but that doesn't mean that they should treat you like that, especially for the reasons you mentioned, which I'm sure aren't true either. I know it must hurt a lot considering all the things that you feel about yourself, but at the end of the day, who you are should not overcome what others want or see you as, and a lot of the time we tend to believe that (e.g I can do what I want and idc what anyone thinks of me), but then at the same time, we get hurt when we don't get what we initially expected, and convince ourselves of 'truths' that were created because of the situations that are happening. For example, when I was in year 11, my old friendship group made fun of me for moving to a different sixth-form (because our secondary school had a sixth form that most of the students went to) and picking art subjects. They called me insults and whatever have you, but when I applied i told myself that I really didn't care what anyone thought of me, so long as I was doing what I wanted I'd be happy. But, in those situations when they made fun of me (I was a quiet, shy kid with a stutter) I felt so embarrassed because there was no one there to be on my side at all, and when it's 'all you know' (a.k.a the friendship group), you feel so alone and you start questioning what you're doing and questioning all the decisions you've ever made. I had a f**k ton of things that came into my head because of the whole thing - feeling like i'd have no friends, I was stupid, v ugly, small, boring, unpopular, all this stuff. I eventually deleted all my social media accounts and created new ones which I blocked them all on after results day, and I've never seen them ever again (I was friends in their group since 2014).

I really feel sorry for you in this situation because I know you must be feeling as though that everything you are feeling about yourself IS 100% the truth, but I am telling you rn its not!! I know some random person telling you on TSR won't do the trick, so you need to remember who you are and what your worth to yourself, which is way more than those people, regardless of whether you think you're unattractive or unfunny or boring. You are worth a million times more than any of those people, so don't let them get in the way of who you are. From what you've said, I don't even think you were their friends in the first place, and good on you. You should never be friends who would treat ANYONE like that, regardless of what they're like.

Don't let these people dictate what you see yourself and your own life as, and as much it's really hard to not blame yourself for all these things happening, its true...of course you're going to see yourself as a potential reason behind this situation; the people who are similar to the rest of the group are 'accepted', and the people who aren't (in this situation, you) aren't. But you need to remember that just because you are different to who they are does not mean you are lower than them. Let me ask you this - judging from how they treat people, what they're like, how they don't even seem to care about the fact that someone is going to the toilets and having breakdowns, talking smack behind people's backs...would you really want to fit in?

These people will quite literally take control of your life mentally. Get rid. ASAP - you're amazing in your own way and nobody should let you think otherwise. Especially these kn*bheads. There are so many people out there who would love to be friends with you (including me ) so don't give up hope on them because they're waiting for someone like you to come into their life.
Thanks for the advice really... thank you. You're an absolute godsend! I gotta ask tho after you blocked your friends did you find another group?
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sanct1fy
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#8
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Thanks for the advice really... thank you. You're an absolute godsend! I gotta ask tho after you blocked your friends did you find another group?
I moved to a different sixth form and never spoke to them again. I did find a group that I talk to in school but I never really hung out with them outside of school, and barely ever text them. I am part of the group but they're more just a group of friends (to themselves too) rather than a proper GROUP. I don't really talk to anyone THAT much and I prefer it. Also ngl groups are kinda sh*it, i would much rather have one amazing best friend which im lucky enough to have.
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