Do you think my manager thinks I’m fake/dishonest now?

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Anonymous #1
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Ive always just got on with my job at work and if I’m asked to do something I tend to do it, even if I feel a bit annoyed about it.
For example I’ve been given all of the people who want to do work experience, my manager did ask and I said yes as I felt awkward saying no. But no one else has had one this year the principle seemed unfair but I didn’t think much of it.

Last week we realised that my annual leave clashed with one of the days and I said to him
‘If I’m taking everyone’s supervisee it’s bound to clash at some point’. He said ‘I’l see if Paula will take the learner for a day to do us a favour’. I said ‘it’s me that’s doing her a favour’ (it’s her learner that I’m having). He didn’t say anything just looked.


Earlier this week my manager was asking if I wanted to do a presentation I said ok he said ‘are you sure’ then he tapped my arm and said ‘last week you made a very arsy comment about Paula, if you agreed to have the learner then it’s her that’s doing you a favour for a day’. I didn’t bother saying that it was her learner anyway, I just apologised and said I got annoyed.

He said ‘it’s ok to get annoyed I do myself but don’t say yes to something then complain. I said ‘I can be like that I guess’. He laughed a bit and said ‘I know you can you do it all the bloody time’. He said ‘ I need to know how you feel about it when I first ask. It’s something we need to work on we both need to be more transparent with each other. You don’t have to please everyone all the time. I want you to talk to me like you would your family just be honest.

Then as he was going out he said bye and ‘I appreciate you’.


I feel a bit daft know. I think he is right but I mean I feel bad saying no to stuff it’s like it’s part of my personality to be this way.

Does he think I’m fake or dishonest do you think? I don’t want him to think I’m not to be trusted or that I stir trouble/play games etc.

Thinking back I did it with one of my other collegues he asked for a lift home I didn’t really want to but did anyway. He sensed my frustration during the journey though and kept saying ‘are you sure your ok with this’.

I have worked there for over 2 years
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Zarek
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Doesn’t sound like a big deal. Rather than taking on things people foist on you with some resentment, qualify that you will do it as a favour but expect others to pull their weight too. The laudable task of looking after work experience young people tends to be a chore that people like to sidestep, while sharing it out is the fairest and best approach.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Zarek)
Doesn’t sound like a big deal. Rather than taking on things people foist on you with some resentment, qualify that you will do it as a favour but expect others to pull their weight too. The laudable task of looking after work experience young people tends to be a chore that people like to sidestep, while sharing it out is the fairest and best approach.
Thanks, yea I mean I need to be more assertive. The team have always called me ‘kind’ etc I think it’s meant to have been my main positive trait lol, like there’s out intelligent collegue, the funny one based on what people say I’m known as the one who’l do anything for anyone

So after this I’m worried I’l be less though of and seen as fake/someone who pretends to be nice but secretly harbours resentment. If you know what I mean
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StriderHort
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TBh I would have stuck up for myself at the time. Ie "My comment was directed to you, not Paula, I felt like you were diminishing and disrespecting the efforts i had made.

I doubt i'd have taken the touchy feely gaslighting weirdness v well either.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by StriderHort)
TBh I would have stuck up for myself at the time. Ie "My comment was directed to you, not Paula, I felt like you were diminishing and disrespecting the efforts i had made.

I doubt i'd have taken the touchy feely gaslighting weirdness v well either.
Which bit you mean when he indicated the comment I made was out of line?

Im trying to see both sides to it I don’t think there was anything wrong with my comment but to be fair I did agree then harbour a bit of resentment (that’s my fault).

I’m still trying to figure this manager out there are mixed opinions on him he is supportive/very helpful/ care’s about his work/employees (takes the time out to train/but at the same time is very strong minded and can piss people off.

He had conflict with a collegue for the best part of 2 years she felt she couldn’t get anything right she complained that he was harassing her.

The other side of it is that it’s true she didn’t follow instruction was was substandard in several areas. Many managers would have let it go and just accepted it but he doesn’t. So yea he’s difficult to judge.
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StriderHort
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Which bit you mean when he indicated the comment I made was out of line?

Im trying to see both sides to it I don’t think there was anything wrong with my comment but to be fair I did agree then harbour a bit of resentment (that’s my fault).

I’m still trying to figure this manager out there are mixed opinions on him he is supportive/very helpful/ care’s about his work/employees (takes the time out to train/but at the same time is very strong minded and can piss people off.

He had conflict with a collegue for the best part of 2 years she felt she couldn’t get anything right she complained that he was harassing her.

The other side of it is that it’s true she didn’t follow instruction was was substandard in several areas. Many managers would have let it go and just accepted it but he doesn’t. So yea he’s difficult to judge.
Yes, and again, he sounds a bit of a creep for not saying anything for a week them suddenly springing it with faux intimacy.

Depending how you look at it, you're comment was arsey, as it was negative and not helpful (It didn't change or move the tasks ahead in any way, you could have easily said nothing for 0 conflict). It sounds more like you've objected to his description of things rather than anything P has done.... but the way they've twisted it onto a 3rd target while kinda rubbing your nose in things like a naughty puppy is a bit, yuck (with the unspoken threat to tell P about the nasty things you've been saying about her)

I wouldn't generally advise killing a manager.
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NonIndigenous
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I feel a bit daft know. I think he is right but I mean I feel bad saying no to stuff it’s like it’s part of my personality to be this way.
"it's part of my personality to be this way"

That's just a crappy excuse. Work on it.

You aren't doing anyone a favor or yourself by behaving this way, if it is a chronic problem. You instead end up pyssing off the people around you and getting angry yourself as well. Saying you're going to do something, then not doing it, because you're too weak in the moment to say "no", is an anxiety problem. These kinds of problems have solutions, you just need to speak to the right person. Depending on how serious it is, maybe a professional.

When you agree to something, you should do it. Otherwise don't agree to it in the first place.

On another note, one strategy that I have for dealing with peoples' politics in the office... is that I try to be proactive (though I've struggled with that over the past year). If you're proactive, and take on the tasks and responsibilities ahead of anyone asking you to do so (though you should agree this with them first, nonetheless)... then:
1) You get a much greater say in the kind of work that you do
2) You're legitimately 'busy' (instead of only pretending like you are) with work that you somewhat enjoy
3) You have a genuine and good reason for saying "no" to people who try to shove other crap of theirs your way (unless you owe them a favor, maybe), because your schedule is already packed
Last edited by NonIndigenous; 1 month ago
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2500_2
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Ive always just got on with my job at work and if I’m asked to do something I tend to do it, even if I feel a bit annoyed about it.
For example I’ve been given all of the people who want to do work experience, my manager did ask and I said yes as I felt awkward saying no. But no one else has had one this year the principle seemed unfair but I didn’t think much of it.

Last week we realised that my annual leave clashed with one of the days and I said to him
‘If I’m taking everyone’s supervisee it’s bound to clash at some point’. He said ‘I’l see if Paula will take the learner for a day to do us a favour’. I said ‘it’s me that’s doing her a favour’ (it’s her learner that I’m having). He didn’t say anything just looked.


Earlier this week my manager was asking if I wanted to do a presentation I said ok he said ‘are you sure’ then he tapped my arm and said ‘last week you made a very arsy comment about Paula, if you agreed to have the learner then it’s her that’s doing you a favour for a day’. I didn’t bother saying that it was her learner anyway, I just apologised and said I got annoyed.

He said ‘it’s ok to get annoyed I do myself but don’t say yes to something then complain. I said ‘I can be like that I guess’. He laughed a bit and said ‘I know you can you do it all the bloody time’. He said ‘ I need to know how you feel about it when I first ask. It’s something we need to work on we both need to be more transparent with each other. You don’t have to please everyone all the time. I want you to talk to me like you would your family just be honest.

Then as he was going out he said bye and ‘I appreciate you’.


I feel a bit daft know. I think he is right but I mean I feel bad saying no to stuff it’s like it’s part of my personality to be this way.

Does he think I’m fake or dishonest do you think? I don’t want him to think I’m not to be trusted or that I stir trouble/play games etc.

Thinking back I did it with one of my other collegues he asked for a lift home I didn’t really want to but did anyway. He sensed my frustration during the journey though and kept saying ‘are you sure your ok with this’.

I have worked there for over 2 years
Look, you're not in a relationship with the guy, he's your manager.
His slightly weird intimate convos aren't helping but neither is your not being honest (I initially wrote game playing because that's how it comes across but I'm sure you don't mean it that way).
You need to stop taking on things you don't want, and then you need to accept if you do take them on that they are your tasks to do from that point on. You can't give them back when they become inconvenient to you.
Have you considered doing some assertiveness training?
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by 2500_2)
Look, you're not in a relationship with the guy, he's your manager.
His slightly weird intimate convos aren't helping but neither is your not being honest (I initially wrote game playing because that's how it comes across but I'm sure you don't mean it that way).
You need to stop taking on things you don't want, and then you need to accept if you do take them on that they are your tasks to do from that point on. You can't give them back when they become inconvenient to you.
Have you considered doing some assertiveness training?
Do you think I’m acting as though it’s a relationship?😕

That’s what I meant when I say yes/agree to things I can then get angry. Thing is I do feel bad at the time saying no expecially when it’s clear I’ve got the time to do the task.

That’s what I feared that people thing I’m game playing
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by NonIndigenous)
"it's part of my personality to be this way"

That's just a crappy excuse. Work on it.

You aren't doing anyone a favor or yourself by behaving this way, if it is a chronic problem. You instead end up pyssing off the people around you and getting angry yourself as well. Saying you're going to do something, then not doing it, because you're too weak in the moment to say "no", is an anxiety problem. These kinds of problems have solutions, you just need to speak to the right person. Depending on how serious it is, maybe a professional.

When you agree to something, you should do it. Otherwise don't agree to it in the first place.

On another note, one strategy that I have for dealing with peoples' politics in the office... is that I try to be proactive (though I've struggled with that over the past year). If you're proactive, and take on the tasks and responsibilities ahead of anyone asking you to do so (though you should agree this with them first, nonetheless)... then:
1) You get a much greater say in the kind of work that you do
2) You're legitimately 'busy' (instead of only pretending like you are) with work that you somewhat enjoy
3) You have a genuine and good reason for saying "no" to people who try to shove other crap of theirs your way (unless you owe them a favor, maybe), because your schedule is already packed
Some very good tips, I’l def take note of these. Thanks

It’s interesting how you identified that I pretend to be busy as sometimes I do find myself doing this if I’m struggling to find stuff to do.
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2500_2
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Do you think I’m acting as though it’s a relationship?😕

That’s what I meant when I say yes/agree to things I can then get angry. Thing is I do feel bad at the time saying no expecially when it’s clear I’ve got the time to do the task.

That’s what I feared that people thing I’m game playing
The way you've described it does sound rather unprofessional - like it's all about keeping score.

Really at work you just need to be clear what your role is, that you do it well and that you'll support others to achieve in their role when you have capacity (that's not the same as always doing their tasks for them). That's fair to you and fair to them, whereas doing something and feeling resentful doesn't help you or the team.
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NonIndigenous
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Some very good tips, I’l def take note of these. Thanks

It’s interesting how you identified that I pretend to be busy as sometimes I do find myself doing this if I’m struggling to find stuff to do.
I didn't "identify" it per se, just made an intelligent guess. All these kinds of behaviors are correlated with one another.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by NonIndigenous)
I didn't "identify" it per se, just made an intelligent guess. All these kinds of behaviors are correlated with one another.
In what way, like what do they suggest..

I’m just trying to understand really. I was thinking earlier people are very complex, I assume I understand situations but maybe I don’t.
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NonIndigenous
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(Original post by Anonymous)
In what way, like what do they suggest..

I’m just trying to understand really. I was thinking earlier people are very complex, I assume I understand situations but maybe I don’t.
They suggest that you don't feel much 'purpose' at all in the job that you do. Lots of people experience that, and behave slightly differently obviously depending on their underlying personalities. Even I have experienced that now, unfortunately. Over the previous year. I hated it.

But above all else, it tends to mean that these people get pushed around more. How they respond to being pushed around depends on other things.

The other thing it usually means is that these people, just don't mind doing nothing at all sometimes, provided they get paid and can get away with it.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by NonIndigenous)
They suggest that you don't feel much 'purpose' at all in the job that you do. Lots of people experience that, and behave slightly differently obviously depending on their underlying personalities. Even I have experienced that now, unfortunately. Over the previous year. I hated it.

But above all else, it tends to mean that these people get pushed around more. How they respond to being pushed around depends on other things.

The other thing it usually means is that these people, just don't mind doing nothing at all sometimes, provided they get paid and can get away with it.
Ok thanks. What is it that specifically suggests this though, saying yes to everything? I would have thought that this suggests the opposite of being lazy.

I would have thought that it was those who say no to the majority of stuff who are trying to limit their workload.

As I said looking at it objectively Ive took on the most work placement employees, the others have had 0.

I was also the only one willing to go and help out a collegue(happened to be this manager) at the height of the covid peak. The others wouldn’t do it.

Yet the above suggests negative qualities such as ‘not feeling purpose for the job and doing nothing if I can get away with it’.

Can you see why I’m trying to understand? As what you said doesn’t seem fair. I can only think I’m misinterpreting it.

Come to think of it there was a point a year ago where another collegue was seemed to be persuading me to leave. Not sure if it’s cause I’m not as proactive as him. He then gave me a job there though (prob as I was the only one applied) so yea I just feel really confused about it all.
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Zarek
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Thanks, yea I mean I need to be more assertive. The team have always called me ‘kind’ etc I think it’s meant to have been my main positive trait lol, like there’s out intelligent collegue, the funny one based on what people say I’m known as the one who’l do anything for anyone

So after this I’m worried I’l be less though of and seen as fake/someone who pretends to be nice but secretly harbours resentment. If you know what I mean
I wouldn’t give it a moment’s thought. You’re helpful that the important thing at work. Everyone has a bit of work angst from time to time, it pretty much unavoidable. We’re people not computers.
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NonIndigenous
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Ok thanks. What is it that specifically suggests this though, saying yes to everything? I would have thought that this suggests the opposite of being lazy.

I would have thought that it was those who say no to the majority of stuff who are trying to limit their workload.

As I said looking at it objectively Ive took on the most work placement employees, the others have had 0.

I was also the only one willing to go and help out a collegue(happened to be this manager) at the height of the covid peak. The others wouldn’t do it.

Yet the above suggests negative qualities such as ‘not feeling purpose for the job and doing nothing if I can get away with it’.

Can you see why I’m trying to understand? As what you said doesn’t seem fair. I can only think I’m misinterpreting it.

Come to think of it there was a point a year ago where another collegue was seemed to be persuading me to leave. Not sure if it’s cause I’m not as proactive as him. He then gave me a job there though (prob as I was the only one applied) so yea I just feel really confused about it all.
"What is it that specifically suggests this though, saying yes to everything? I would have thought that this suggests the opposite of being lazy."

Simply talking, or saying "yes", or "no", takes relatively little effort.

Actually getting things done, takes a lot more effort.

Saying "yes" to something which you then fail to do, or do a bad job of... communicates lack of effort. You create an expectation in other people, and then instead don't do it. I hope that seems logical.

Anyone can just emptily say "yes" without thinking.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by NonIndigenous)
"What is it that specifically suggests this though, saying yes to everything? I would have thought that this suggests the opposite of being lazy."

Simply talking, or saying "yes", or "no", takes relatively little effort.

Actually getting things done, takes a lot more effort.

Saying "yes" to something which you then fail to do, or do a bad job of... communicates lack of effort. You create an expectation in other people, and then instead don't do it. I hope that seems logical.

Anyone can just emptily say "yes" without thinking.
Yes that would make sense, I’m just not sure what it is that I failed to do, I mean I do tend to follow through with effort. Or thinking about it maybe Ive said yes and haven’t done things properly (can think of examples but no point going into it). Eitherway I know what you mean, I’ll consider it going forward.

It’s just logic to me seems like the lazy person would be more inclined to say no. As even saying yes and half heartedly attempting takes more effort than

I’m wondering if that they think I don’t care now lol! Someone actually said this to me in the past they said ‘you don’t give a **** do you’ and ‘it’s just for the money isnt it’. The comments have kind of stayed with me. I do feel I have to look ‘proactive’ like the others. Maybe I’m just not good at work I’m more an introvert who can spend hours just staring into space.

Surely someone who didn’t care wouldn’t say yes and try though, wouldn’t have even made this thread? I don’t know. I do know that I’m so confused about myself and how I’m perceived lol
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Anonymous #1
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That’s another thing. this manager has often described me as conscientious etc (I once rang him in the evening as I was worried about something I’d not done) yet I’ve had people telling me that I don’t care and pretty much saying I’m doing it for the money (this was a while ago).

It’s like the truth is I care about all the stuff I’m going on about above (mainly how I’m perceived) but with others things (prob job related that I should care about) don’t care at all. How do you change your personality though
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Zarek)
I wouldn’t give it a moment’s thought. You’re helpful that the important thing at work. Everyone has a bit of work angst from time to time, it pretty much unavoidable. We’re people not computers.
Thanks. Hopefully it’s just this.
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