My 17 year olds restrictions. Am I being unreasonable?

Watch
ThatNotoriousDad
Badges: 2
Rep:
?
#1
Report Thread starter 1 month ago
#1
I have a 17 year old lad who is currently in sixth form. I have placed a load of restrictions on him, these haven’t changed in 3 years. They are, no video games past 7 o’clock, bedtime at 9:30 on weekdays and 22:30 on weekends, he ends up staying up until 23:30 every night anyway. He also has to tell me where he is after 5 o’clock everyday. On top of this he is not allowed his phone in bed, as it must stay downstairs to charge. We have been arguing back and forth recently, he says that I treat him like a baby. I wanted to know if I am treating him like a baby, and what I can change to better our relationship.
0
reply
Anonymous #1
#2
Report 1 month ago
#2
(Original post by ThatNotoriousDad)
I have a 17 year old lad who is currently in sixth form. I have placed a load of restrictions on him, these haven’t changed in 3 years. They are, no video games past 7 o’clock, bedtime at 9:30 on weekdays and 22:30 on weekends, he ends up staying up until 23:30 every night anyway. He also has to tell me where he is after 5 o’clock everyday. On top of this he is not allowed his phone in bed, as it must stay downstairs to charge. We have been arguing back and forth recently, he says that I treat him like a baby. I wanted to know if I am treating him like a baby, and what I can change to better our relationship.
Similar rules to me and I’m younger than that- he’s about to be an adult (18) so he needs to gain a little more independence and learn for himself because if he plans on going to uni of anything like that than he will have to do things on his own. He had to learn about responsibility but he lives in your house so your rules but don’t be too hard on him as he’s going to really struggle as he goes to uni if he has all these restrictions on him so maybe let him take more responsibility for his actions. That being said parenting is never easy so well done for trying hard with him!
0
reply
Anonymous #1
#3
Report 1 month ago
#3
(Original post by Anonymous)
Similar rules to me and I’m younger than that- he’s about to be an adult (18) so he needs to gain a little more independence and learn for himself because if he plans on going to uni of anything like that than he will have to do things on his own. He had to learn about responsibility but he lives in your house so your rules but don’t be too hard on him as he’s going to really struggle as he goes to uni if he has all these restrictions on him so maybe let him take more responsibility for his actions. That being said parenting is never easy so well done for trying hard with him!
Sorry not to me, my sister (13.)
0
reply
Anonymous #2
#4
Report 1 month ago
#4
The one you should deffo keep is keeping the phone downstairs. My parents gave me a phone at 18 and they told me to keep it downstairs after having it with me in bed for 2 months- I seriously healed from sleep deprivation
I read a book, prayed or wrote in a journal, much better than scrolling through Instagram.
0
reply
GreenCub
Badges: 20
Rep:
?
#5
Report 1 month ago
#5
(Original post by ThatNotoriousDad)
[...] these haven’t changed in 3 years.
A 17 year old shouldn't be treated like a 14 year old.

These are very, very strict restrictions, and sound more like they'd fit a 12-13 year old, rather than someone who is almost an adult. What are your reasons for wanting to enforce these restrictions? What exactly is being accomplished here?

Edit: on the topic of sleep deprivation. You can enforce the "keeping phone downstairs" rule while he's living at home, but not when he moves out to university. It's a much better idea to get him into the habit of knowing when he should turn off his phone himself, rather than suddenly gaining access once he goes to uni and not being able to control how much he uses it.
Last edited by GreenCub; 1 month ago
12
reply
candydiva
Badges: 16
Rep:
?
#6
Report 1 month ago
#6
Yeah sleep deprivation because of electronic devices is an epidemic. I don't like phones coz they limit our quality convo to short heywassup msgs but I admit my laptop keeps me up at nite esp when I am reading about TSR crushes LOL!
1
reply
ashtolga23
Badges: 18
Rep:
?
#7
Report 1 month ago
#7
(Original post by ThatNotoriousDad)
I have a 17 year old lad who is currently in sixth form. I have placed a load of restrictions on him, these haven’t changed in 3 years. They are, no video games past 7 o’clock, bedtime at 9:30 on weekdays and 22:30 on weekends, he ends up staying up until 23:30 every night anyway. He also has to tell me where he is after 5 o’clock everyday. On top of this he is not allowed his phone in bed, as it must stay downstairs to charge. We have been arguing back and forth recently, he says that I treat him like a baby. I wanted to know if I am treating him like a baby, and what I can change to better our relationship.
I'm 17 too and I feel the bedtimes are probably unnecessary (and way too early for me). It's interesting to see new research on sleep, and it's not necessarily better to just get more of it.

Not gonna lie, I'd hate not having my phone on me when I'm sleeping, but it's probably a healthy habit so I won't say you're wrong with that. Having said this, GreenCub makes a good point in that your son probably needs to learn these things for himself at this point; if things are too controlled he'll never learn how to be responsible when you're not there to watch over him.

No matter what, I would encourage discussions where you ask him why he feels this is unreasonable. Sounds like one of your main issues here is communicating with him. Keep an open mind and actually listen to his reasoning, and encourage a discussion rather than an argument.
Last edited by ashtolga23; 1 month ago
4
reply
fellowweebhere
Badges: 12
Rep:
?
#8
Report 1 month ago
#8
Nah, I think that’s too much. He’s technically a adult. Loosen up a bit.
2
reply
Agashii_
Badges: 18
Rep:
?
#9
Report 1 month ago
#9
(Original post by ThatNotoriousDad)
I have a 17 year old lad who is currently in sixth form. I have placed a load of restrictions on him, these haven’t changed in 3 years. They are, no video games past 7 o’clock, bedtime at 9:30 on weekdays and 22:30 on weekends, he ends up staying up until 23:30 every night anyway. He also has to tell me where he is after 5 o’clock everyday. On top of this he is not allowed his phone in bed, as it must stay downstairs to charge. We have been arguing back and forth recently, he says that I treat him like a baby. I wanted to know if I am treating him like a baby, and what I can change to better our relationship.
this too harsh in my opinion
ease up a bit maybe. He's nearly an adult.
Speaking from experience: the stricter you are, the more they want to rebel AND the more likely they are to keep secrets :dontknow:
1
reply
zoe.nyaku
Badges: 14
Rep:
?
#10
Report 1 month ago
#10
(Original post by ThatNotoriousDad)
I have a 17 year old lad who is currently in sixth form. I have placed a load of restrictions on him, these haven’t changed in 3 years. They are, no video games past 7 o’clock, bedtime at 9:30 on weekdays and 22:30 on weekends, he ends up staying up until 23:30 every night anyway. He also has to tell me where he is after 5 o’clock everyday. On top of this he is not allowed his phone in bed, as it must stay downstairs to charge. We have been arguing back and forth recently, he says that I treat him like a baby. I wanted to know if I am treating him like a baby, and what I can change to better our relationship.
He is literally nearly 18, how long do you plan on babying him. Those are ridiculous restrictions for a 17 year and he will resent you, which he probably does already and to be honest rightfully so. Loosen up, hes not a little kid, 9:30? Really? Give him his phone back, he is right you treat him like a baby
3
reply
Final Fantasy
Badges: 20
Rep:
?
#11
Report 1 month ago
#11
You can't keep babying him forever. He's gonna be a big boy one day.
2
reply
zoe.nyaku
Badges: 14
Rep:
?
#12
Report 1 month ago
#12
(Original post by Final Fantasy)
You can't keep babying him forever. He's gonna be a big boy one day.
He is going to be an adult in a year or less!
0
reply
Final Fantasy
Badges: 20
Rep:
?
#13
Report 1 month ago
#13
(Original post by zoe.nyaku)
He is going to be an adult in a year or less!
Yep, a big boy soon!
0
reply
esbnothing
Badges: 10
Rep:
?
#14
Report 1 month ago
#14
if i was being treated like a 10 year old i would also argue with my mum about these restrictions. He’s being treated like a child when he’s about to be an adult. The bed time is up to him if he sleeps late he suffers. Nearly every teen takes their phone to bed with them. let him live
0
reply
marple
Badges: 15
Rep:
?
#15
Report 1 month ago
#15
(Original post by ThatNotoriousDad)
I have a 17 year old lad who is currently in sixth form. I have placed a load of restrictions on him, these haven’t changed in 3 years. They are, no video games past 7 o’clock, bedtime at 9:30 on weekdays and 22:30 on weekends, he ends up staying up until 23:30 every night anyway. He also has to tell me where he is after 5 o’clock everyday. On top of this he is not allowed his phone in bed, as it must stay downstairs to charge. We have been arguing back and forth recently, he says that I treat him like a baby. I wanted to know if I am treating him like a baby, and what I can change to better our relationship.
You have to learn to trust him. If you have brought him up with good values, work ethic etc it is time for him to begin to manage his own life. He needs to get used to more autonomy while he has the safety-net of being at home with you. When he goes to university he will be his own man and is far more likely to go off the rails if he hasn't been given more freedom than you are allowing him now. He needs to get used to managing his own time, study and contact with friends and find his own way.

Relax your control and see how he fairs - if he abuses your trust or doesn't keep up with his studies you can re-evaluate. Personally (mother of daughters now in their 20s, all having graduated with good degrees from good universities, now working) I think that removing his phone and trying to impose a 9.30 bed time is treating him like a baby and not allowing him to develop into a self-managing adult.

Best wishes
1
reply
londonmyst
Badges: 18
Rep:
?
#16
Report 1 month ago
#16
Yes- you are being unreasonable treating your 17 year old son like a 14 year old.
Particularly as regards the demand to account for his whereabout after 5pm every day and the set bedtimes of 9:30 on weekdays & 22:30 on weekends.
The keeping his mobile phone downstairs in the late evenings and restrictions on playing video games at night sound okay.

I am a 26 year old female who grew up in a very controlling household where my movements were severely restricted.
I had almost no freedom to choose my own day to day lifestyle and my privacy were practically non-existent due to my parents bizarre rules- even as an 18 year old.
I escaped from my parents before a level results were out, cut contact and am unlikely to ever speak to them again.
They will never know my address, receive a social invite to any event I have organised, have a conversation with me or meet any child I have.
2
reply
Anonymous #3
#17
Report 1 month ago
#17
Ur a weirdo
1
reply
TSRTD
Badges: 11
Rep:
?
#18
Report 1 month ago
#18
(Original post by ThatNotoriousDad)
I have a 17 year old lad who is currently in sixth form. I have placed a load of restrictions on him, these haven’t changed in 3 years. They are, no video games past 7 o’clock, bedtime at 9:30 on weekdays and 22:30 on weekends, he ends up staying up until 23:30 every night anyway. He also has to tell me where he is after 5 o’clock everyday. On top of this he is not allowed his phone in bed, as it must stay downstairs to charge. We have been arguing back and forth recently, he says that I treat him like a baby. I wanted to know if I am treating him like a baby, and what I can change to better our relationship.
What do you gain from treating a 17 year old like this?
1
reply
Anonymous #4
#19
Report 1 month ago
#19
I think restrictions are needless, an important part of maturity is knowing if you need to go to bed earlier yourself etc... Probably better to just explain to them why you are doing these things, but give them the choice on what they want to do.
2
reply
JMo03
Badges: 15
Rep:
?
#20
Report 1 month ago
#20
Your son is old enough to have sex and join the army. You shouldn't be dictating his bedtimes.

He is going to be an adult and move out in a year or so and he will never have been responsible for his own wellbeing.

I'm seventeen and choose when to sleep, what to do with my phone and when to stop playing video games. I have been free to make these choices for at least three years and have not had bedtimes like that since year nine.

I am also a straight A/A* student and have offers from several top russel group universities. When you treat your child as an independent individual, they will act like one and be more respectful to you.

Setting boundaries is important but your son will be an adult soon and will have no boundaries imposed. If you don't give him time to experiment and test those boundaries, when he is free he will do far more harm to himself than he would have if he had had time to test things out and learn from his mistakes.
1
reply
X

Quick Reply

Attached files
Write a reply...
Reply
new posts
Back
to top
Latest
My Feed

See more of what you like on
The Student Room

You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

Personalise

What factors affect your mental health the most right now?

Anxiousness about lockdown easing (122)
4.92%
Uncertainty around my education (368)
14.83%
Uncertainty around my future career prospects (271)
10.92%
Lack of purpose or motivation (350)
14.1%
Lack of support system (eg. teachers, counsellors, delays in care) (113)
4.55%
Impact of lockdown on physical health (150)
6.04%
Loneliness (213)
8.58%
Financial worries (92)
3.71%
Concern about myself or my loves ones getting/having been ill (106)
4.27%
Exposure to negative news/social media (119)
4.79%
Lack of real life entertainment (131)
5.28%
Lack of confidence in making big life decisions (215)
8.66%
Worry about missed opportunities during the pandemic (232)
9.35%

Watched Threads

View All
Latest
My Feed

See more of what you like on
The Student Room

You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

Personalise