Friendship dilemma

Last year, one of my close friends (I'll call her J) started distancing herself from my friendship group. She started eating lunch separately and also did some other things that at the time were mildly hurtful to us. My best friend (T) and I were concerned by her behaviour and sent her a message that we wrote together asking her if she was alright and also let her know that some of her actions had upset us a little. We received no reply and over the last year we just assumed that she had gone her separate way. Recently, J and I had a long conversation about what happened and she opened up about several circumstances at the time which had led to her mildly hurtful actions. I asked her that although that made a lot of sense now that I had context, why had she not told me and T at the time? She said that someone in the group was making her uncomfortable and had put her in a bad place mental health wise. She wouldn't tell me who it was but it was clear that she meant T. T is one of my closest friends. He can be blunt and says exactly what he thinks without a filter. This can be offensive at times but he is genuine and that's why I hang out with him. He has often talked to me about this and worries about accidentally offending someone. He has asked me to let him know if he does so. J is very sensitive and I have noticed that at times, T has been a little rude and insensitive to J. J has asked me not to tell anybody about our conversation as it is private. However, I feel that T would be very upset to know he had caused harm to J and I feel like I should tell him as this is something that really bothers him. He still doesn't know why J behaved like that. I know it was something that J trusted me to keep secret but as a close friend to T, I think he should be aware of this and I think he would be hurt to know I kept this from him. What should I do? Sorry this is so long.

This is just my point of view.. If it were me I would respect J's wishes and keep it confidential. I know you mean well but I would respect J's privacy as J specifically told you not to tell anyone else. That's definitely a tricky situation when one friend is blunt and the other is sensitive.

You don't have to disclose to T that you knew this all along – this is to prevent him from feeling hurt. You have valid reasons not to tell him. Maybe you could wait till the situation mellows down a little until J tells you who it actually is that is making her uncomfortable (although you suspect T, it would be better to wait till she confirms it herself).

I'm sorry you have to be the middle person in this but honestly to preserve friendships on both parts, it may be best if you just remain neutral. As much as you want to help, some things are beyond your control. Perhaps just see how it plays out for now and neutralise any tension if it happens again.

P/S i don't think you can edit an anonymous post so you probably can't edit it to add paragraphs at this point

Thank you. It's really helpful to hear this from someone else as I really have no one to talk to at this point with T and J being my closest and most trusted friends.