Dealing with an abusive sibling - especially in lockdown

Not sure why I’m sharing this to strangers but I think I want reassurance that this is wrong.

So here it goes.

I have an older sister in her early 30s. I’ve returned to the family home to spend lockdown here (because the alternative is going insane on my own, which sometimes I wonder might be an easier option), and my sister’s continual remarks and behaviour take me back to her behaviour towards me during my childhood.

This is something I never paid much attention to maybe because I was a child then but also because my parents deemed it all normal and refused to acknowledge that she is messed up - also because they would probably have to admit that they failed the parenting thing with her. Now I’m more aware of my mental health during lockdown, I do pick up on and dwell on her comments because they are simply horrible and make me feel terrible.

To give you an example, one time I was telling my parents what a great day I had at school and sharing my exam results. I was obviously really happy and she, having sat there quietly for several moment, walked over to me and slapped me. I started crying more from the shock than the pain whilst my mum just sat there. I left the room humiliated because there was no one defending me.

Another instance, she was getting ready at a salon for a family wedding we were all attending. My mum told me she and my youngest sister had both gone together and I should go to, since my mum had paid for me also. So I went and they were both in the middle of getting ready. As soon as she saw me, she exclaimed that I wasn’t allowed in here and it would be only the two of them getting ready there.

This must have happened when I was 12 years old, and I’d been excluded from many things before in school because of so called cliques. But this hurt the most by far and I remember how my face dropped and the ladies at the salon even called out her behaviour.

I subsequently went home and cried.

I can talk about other countless examples but these are the most memorable because of how they made me feel. Being in lockdown with her 24/7 is taking me back to all those times.

She is very emotionally volatile - I do try my best to build a relationship with her. But the relationship with her is negatively impacting my relationship with my mother - y mother is somehow blind to all this behaviour or claims it’s not intentional.

Which does make me think whether I’m reading it wrong or maybe she’s not that bad... and this is why I need reassurance from an online forum.

Anyway, I’ve resorted to limiting my exposure to her to the bare minimum, which is difficult when you’re stuck together in the same house.

I just know that my childhood was a very unhappy one and I spent most of my time in a depressed state or crying.

I’m aware I can’t control what other people will say or do, I can only control how I react. But this is proving difficult.

I would guess that a lot of people are in a situation similar to this. Being trapped with family for almost a year that you typically would see every couple of months can become suffocating.

Are there any tips you have from your own experience? Can you at least let me know this behaviour is definitely not normal?

Yup, not normal at all. Beyond the emotional cruelty and manipulation, no one should slap a child (or a grown adult, for that matter). Shame on your sister for her horrible behavior and shame on your parents for letting it happen.

I’ve experienced my own sibling abuse (emotional mostly) that stemmed from medication and low self confidence...it sucks. The way I’ve gotten through it is by giving up on having anything resembling a healthy relationship with her. We watch tv or chat casually about things, but I don’t tell her important things or have an emotional relationship with her. I’ve given up on a relationship with my mom too, since she defended my sister for years.

Honestly, if you can, you should move out. This doesn’t sound like a happy or healthy place to live. Find yourself a roommate or something...or just wait it out. Also, therapy for this seems like a good idea.

Best of luck friend.