I lied to my boyfriend, he has blown everything out of proportion. What should I do?

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xobamitzbexo
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So me and my (ex) boyfriend had been dating a year. We are both 19.

Basically him and I have always had a connection from the moment we met each other in school. We always had a thing and the attraction to one another was insane. We dated a bit a few years ago but ultimately didn’t work out so we were friends for a couple years and then reconciled in February last year. We started dating and it went from there.

Now I had a friend at the time, who id previously been in a ‘speaking’ phase with a year or so prior. Nothing ever came of me and this friend, as I didn’t have feelings and we just ended up being friends. I had told my boyfriend that nothing happened between me and him but neglected to tell him about the speaking phase, as I didn’t consider it to be worth mentioning. Long story short he went through my phone and found evidence that we spoke and was extremely upset I lied. I completely understand, and I was wrong for doing it however it was long before he and I were together. Bearing in mind we had sat and agreed to take people we have history with off of our social media, to which I agreed but didn’t remove this friend. We got over that and I promised it wouldn’t happen again.

Cut to a few days ago, things are great between us. He once again logged into my phone and found a message to one of my best friends. It was regarding a road trip I went on with one of my male friends (who’s not single) nearly 2 years ago. So I’m still friends with this guy I went on a road trip with, and had told my boyfriend there was nothing between us. Which is true. What I again neglected to tell him, was that near the end of the road trip the guy expressed he had feelings for me and wanted to get to know me. I was single and honestly just went with the flow. I agreed to ‘get to know’ him. Now, the banter we had was good but honestly I just didn’t find him attractive physically and I hadn’t been around him long enough to establish feelings. This ‘getting to know’ stage listed approx a week. Upon coming home it had turned out he just took me to make his mrs jealous, and didn’t have feelings for me. I was upset that I’d been played, I wasn’t upset about the feelings or anything like that.

My boyfriend found a message relating to the fact of me getting played and how I was upset. Well let’s just say he lost it. He called me all the names under the sun and told him I have scarred him for life. He assumes that I still have a thing with the road trip guy, due to still being friends with him. He also is assuming we had a sexual relationship, and that I’ve lied about not having sex with him. Now my boyfriend has met this guy, several times as he works at a joiner near my house. They’ve been friendly, chatted and he saw there was no threat. I’ve tried to explain to my bf that nothing happened and I didn’t think a week of getting to know someone was even relevant.

Well because it’s ‘happened again’ he’s broken up with me. Now he has had serious suspicions about my friendship with road trip guy (bf is very insecure) and has asked me a plenty amount of times if anything happened. Obviously nothing happened, so that’s what I said. I only said it because it was so minor to me and no feelings involved (plus I had a good friendship, maybe having a chat once a month) that I wouldn’t call it ‘history’. My ex is distraught, he’s imagining all sorts and is almost accusing me of cheating on him (since I’ve met with road trip guy once or twice in the last year) when I literally wasn’t. I must add in here, he’s in the military and is surrounded by a lot of boys. He’s a fair journey away from me, so our relationship has been at a distance (only since October) with him coming up every 3rd weekend and getting holidays off.

He told me I should’ve told him and he’s right I should’ve. But I dont look at my friend and think about that single week we were getting to know each other. I just see him as a friend I can talk to occasionally. I lied, and it was awful for me to do that especially about a similar thing twice. But his idea of what happened has spiralled so far out of control he’s breaking his own heart and making me out to be a horrible person. He’s lied too about numerous things too, including lying about the EXACT same situation (saying he didn’t have anything with a girl n he did) and I forgave him because he’s 19 and everyone makes mistakes.

The relationship we did have was honestly fantastic. We both were so in love, the spark never died and we got on like a house on fire. We just have a connection idk how else to put it. Hes broken up with me, and says he needs space and he isn’t getting back with me.

I’m obviously giving him space, however he called me the night of the break up crying and asking me what I was up to (he’d been drinking). I had a small conversation with him and it ended. The next day he apologised to me for the way he was and for all the insults he said to me. I kept ignoring messages and he would pop up with something else. Eventually at some point last night he blocked me on Snapchat. He’s coming up in a week to collect his things and that’s it.

He’s back up again in April for 2 weeks.

What do I do? Do I say anything when I see him? I need opinions
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Wannabevetnurse
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(Original post by xobamitzbexo)
So me and my (ex) boyfriend had been dating a year. We are both 19.

Basically him and I have always had a connection from the moment we met each other in school. We always had a thing and the attraction to one another was insane. We dated a bit a few years ago but ultimately didn’t work out so we were friends for a couple years and then reconciled in February last year. We started dating and it went from there.

Now I had a friend at the time, who id previously been in a ‘speaking’ phase with a year or so prior. Nothing ever came of me and this friend, as I didn’t have feelings and we just ended up being friends. I had told my boyfriend that nothing happened between me and him but neglected to tell him about the speaking phase, as I didn’t consider it to be worth mentioning. Long story short he went through my phone and found evidence that we spoke and was extremely upset I lied. I completely understand, and I was wrong for doing it however it was long before he and I were together. Bearing in mind we had sat and agreed to take people we have history with off of our social media, to which I agreed but didn’t remove this friend. We got over that and I promised it wouldn’t happen again.

Cut to a few days ago, things are great between us. He once again logged into my phone and found a message to one of my best friends. It was regarding a road trip I went on with one of my male friends (who’s not single) nearly 2 years ago. So I’m still friends with this guy I went on a road trip with, and had told my boyfriend there was nothing between us. Which is true. What I again neglected to tell him, was that near the end of the road trip the guy expressed he had feelings for me and wanted to get to know me. I was single and honestly just went with the flow. I agreed to ‘get to know’ him. Now, the banter we had was good but honestly I just didn’t find him attractive physically and I hadn’t been around him long enough to establish feelings. This ‘getting to know’ stage listed approx a week. Upon coming home it had turned out he just took me to make his mrs jealous, and didn’t have feelings for me. I was upset that I’d been played, I wasn’t upset about the feelings or anything like that.

My boyfriend found a message relating to the fact of me getting played and how I was upset. Well let’s just say he lost it. He called me all the names under the sun and told him I have scarred him for life. He assumes that I still have a thing with the road trip guy, due to still being friends with him. He also is assuming we had a sexual relationship, and that I’ve lied about not having sex with him. Now my boyfriend has met this guy, several times as he works at a joiner near my house. They’ve been friendly, chatted and he saw there was no threat. I’ve tried to explain to my bf that nothing happened and I didn’t think a week of getting to know someone was even relevant.

Well because it’s ‘happened again’ he’s broken up with me. Now he has had serious suspicions about my friendship with road trip guy (bf is very insecure) and has asked me a plenty amount of times if anything happened. Obviously nothing happened, so that’s what I said. I only said it because it was so minor to me and no feelings involved (plus I had a good friendship, maybe having a chat once a month) that I wouldn’t call it ‘history’. My ex is distraught, he’s imagining all sorts and is almost accusing me of cheating on him (since I’ve met with road trip guy once or twice in the last year) when I literally wasn’t. I must add in here, he’s in the military and is surrounded by a lot of boys. He’s a fair journey away from me, so our relationship has been at a distance (only since October) with him coming up every 3rd weekend and getting holidays off.

He told me I should’ve told him and he’s right I should’ve. But I dont look at my friend and think about that single week we were getting to know each other. I just see him as a friend I can talk to occasionally. I lied, and it was awful for me to do that especially about a similar thing twice. But his idea of what happened has spiralled so far out of control he’s breaking his own heart and making me out to be a horrible person. He’s lied too about numerous things too, including lying about the EXACT same situation (saying he didn’t have anything with a girl n he did) and I forgave him because he’s 19 and everyone makes mistakes.

The relationship we did have was honestly fantastic. We both were so in love, the spark never died and we got on like a house on fire. We just have a connection idk how else to put it. Hes broken up with me, and says he needs space and he isn’t getting back with me.

I’m obviously giving him space, however he called me the night of the break up crying and asking me what I was up to (he’d been drinking). I had a small conversation with him and it ended. The next day he apologised to me for the way he was and for all the insults he said to me. I kept ignoring messages and he would pop up with something else. Eventually at some point last night he blocked me on Snapchat. He’s coming up in a week to collect his things and that’s it.

He’s back up again in April for 2 weeks.

What do I do? Do I say anything when I see him? I need opinions
you lied. End of.
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fleury21
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(Original post by Wannabevetnurse)
you lied. End of.
I think the problem is HE lied
OP just didn't tell the full truth
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Anonymous #1
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I was on his side until you said that he lied as well.
Now I am not sure what to think. Maybe you should just break up - his insecurities and your lies are bound to clash.
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Wannabevetnurse
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(Original post by fleury21)
I think the problem is HE lied
OP just didn't tell the full truth
if you hide the truth, it's still lying.
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fleury21
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(Original post by Wannabevetnurse)
if you hide the truth, it's still lying.
Not necessarily, it's not denying the truth, it's just hiding it
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fleury21
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(Original post by xobamitzbexo)
So me and my (ex) boyfriend had been dating a year. We are both 19.

Basically him and I have always had a connection from the moment we met each other in school. We always had a thing and the attraction to one another was insane. We dated a bit a few years ago but ultimately didn’t work out so we were friends for a couple years and then reconciled in February last year. We started dating and it went from there.

Now I had a friend at the time, who id previously been in a ‘speaking’ phase with a year or so prior. Nothing ever came of me and this friend, as I didn’t have feelings and we just ended up being friends. I had told my boyfriend that nothing happened between me and him but neglected to tell him about the speaking phase, as I didn’t consider it to be worth mentioning. Long story short he went through my phone and found evidence that we spoke and was extremely upset I lied. I completely understand, and I was wrong for doing it however it was long before he and I were together. Bearing in mind we had sat and agreed to take people we have history with off of our social media, to which I agreed but didn’t remove this friend. We got over that and I promised it wouldn’t happen again.

Cut to a few days ago, things are great between us. He once again logged into my phone and found a message to one of my best friends. It was regarding a road trip I went on with one of my male friends (who’s not single) nearly 2 years ago. So I’m still friends with this guy I went on a road trip with, and had told my boyfriend there was nothing between us. Which is true. What I again neglected to tell him, was that near the end of the road trip the guy expressed he had feelings for me and wanted to get to know me. I was single and honestly just went with the flow. I agreed to ‘get to know’ him. Now, the banter we had was good but honestly I just didn’t find him attractive physically and I hadn’t been around him long enough to establish feelings. This ‘getting to know’ stage listed approx a week. Upon coming home it had turned out he just took me to make his mrs jealous, and didn’t have feelings for me. I was upset that I’d been played, I wasn’t upset about the feelings or anything like that.

My boyfriend found a message relating to the fact of me getting played and how I was upset. Well let’s just say he lost it. He called me all the names under the sun and told him I have scarred him for life. He assumes that I still have a thing with the road trip guy, due to still being friends with him. He also is assuming we had a sexual relationship, and that I’ve lied about not having sex with him. Now my boyfriend has met this guy, several times as he works at a joiner near my house. They’ve been friendly, chatted and he saw there was no threat. I’ve tried to explain to my bf that nothing happened and I didn’t think a week of getting to know someone was even relevant.

Well because it’s ‘happened again’ he’s broken up with me. Now he has had serious suspicions about my friendship with road trip guy (bf is very insecure) and has asked me a plenty amount of times if anything happened. Obviously nothing happened, so that’s what I said. I only said it because it was so minor to me and no feelings involved (plus I had a good friendship, maybe having a chat once a month) that I wouldn’t call it ‘history’. My ex is distraught, he’s imagining all sorts and is almost accusing me of cheating on him (since I’ve met with road trip guy once or twice in the last year) when I literally wasn’t. I must add in here, he’s in the military and is surrounded by a lot of boys. He’s a fair journey away from me, so our relationship has been at a distance (only since October) with him coming up every 3rd weekend and getting holidays off.

He told me I should’ve told him and he’s right I should’ve. But I dont look at my friend and think about that single week we were getting to know each other. I just see him as a friend I can talk to occasionally. I lied, and it was awful for me to do that especially about a similar thing twice. But his idea of what happened has spiralled so far out of control he’s breaking his own heart and making me out to be a horrible person. He’s lied too about numerous things too, including lying about the EXACT same situation (saying he didn’t have anything with a girl n he did) and I forgave him because he’s 19 and everyone makes mistakes.

The relationship we did have was honestly fantastic. We both were so in love, the spark never died and we got on like a house on fire. We just have a connection idk how else to put it. Hes broken up with me, and says he needs space and he isn’t getting back with me.

I’m obviously giving him space, however he called me the night of the break up crying and asking me what I was up to (he’d been drinking). I had a small conversation with him and it ended. The next day he apologised to me for the way he was and for all the insults he said to me. I kept ignoring messages and he would pop up with something else. Eventually at some point last night he blocked me on Snapchat. He’s coming up in a week to collect his things and that’s it.

He’s back up again in April for 2 weeks.

What do I do? Do I say anything when I see him? I need opinions
Right, OP u should've told him the second time it happened if u knew how he reacted the first time he found out. Not telling him again is a mistake on ur part. What u did isn't as bad as what he did, he lied to u outright, u just hid the truth. U guys need to have a serious talk with each other and discuss what u want outta this relationship, if u like each other and want this to work then u need to put the effort in and make it work
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Aishmk
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Although you have a great connection, how he reacts to things that come up is way out of proportion. I don't think it's reasonable to have to give full accounts of everything in your past. And someone going through your phone looking at all your messages etc is just a huge no no. It's way too controlling. I'd say let him go. No one should have a massive hiss fit calling you all names under the sun then afterwards be allowed back in your life. This just gives them the green light to do it again or worse, because you showed him you'll take it and still be into him. If they really love you, they don't hurt you with nasty names. You'll find someone better.
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Wannabevetnurse
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(Original post by fleury21)
Not necessarily, it's not denying the truth, it's just hiding it
no. If you do not tell the full truth, you are lying. In court, if you do not tell the full truth, you are perveting justice and you can get charged for it.

There for if you hide the truth, you are lying. If you deny the truth you lie.
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fleury21
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(Original post by Wannabevetnurse)
no. If you do not tell the full truth, you are lying. In court, if you do not tell the full truth, you are perveting justice and you can get charged for it.

There for if you hide the truth, you are lying. If you deny the truth you lie.
Lie: an assertion of something known or believed by the speaker or writer to be untrue with intent to deceive
OP hasn't lied.
Lying and withholding the truth are very different things, a doctor can withhold information from a patient but they cannot lie to a patient. They are 2 different things.
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GabiAbi84
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Sounds like a mess and one that’s best off over.

Let him get his things and leave it at that.
Last edited by GabiAbi84; 2 months ago
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GabiAbi84
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(Original post by fleury21)
Lie: an assertion of something known or believed by the speaker or writer to be untrue with intent to deceive
OP hasn't lied.
Lying and withholding the truth are very different things, a doctor can withhold information from a patient but they cannot lie to a patient. They are 2 different things.
Saying
“There was nothing between us”
when there was=lie
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ANM775
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(Original post by xobamitzbexo)
So me and my (ex) boyfriend had been dating a year. We are both 19.

Basically him and I have always had a connection from the moment we met each other in school. We always had a thing and the attraction to one another was insane. We dated a bit a few years ago but ultimately didn’t work out so we were friends for a couple years and then reconciled in February last year. We started dating and it went from there.

Now I had a friend at the time, who id previously been in a ‘speaking’ phase with a year or so prior. Nothing ever came of me and this friend, as I didn’t have feelings and we just ended up being friends. I had told my boyfriend that nothing happened between me and him but neglected to tell him about the speaking phase, as I didn’t consider it to be worth mentioning. Long story short he went through my phone and found evidence that we spoke and was extremely upset I lied. I completely understand, and I was wrong for doing it however it was long before he and I were together. Bearing in mind we had sat and agreed to take people we have history with off of our social media, to which I agreed but didn’t remove this friend. We got over that and I promised it wouldn’t happen again.

Cut to a few days ago, things are great between us. He once again logged into my phone and found a message to one of my best friends. It was regarding a road trip I went on with one of my male friends (who’s not single) nearly 2 years ago. So I’m still friends with this guy I went on a road trip with, and had told my boyfriend there was nothing between us. Which is true. What I again neglected to tell him, was that near the end of the road trip the guy expressed he had feelings for me and wanted to get to know me. I was single and honestly just went with the flow. I agreed to ‘get to know’ him. Now, the banter we had was good but honestly I just didn’t find him attractive physically and I hadn’t been around him long enough to establish feelings. This ‘getting to know’ stage listed approx a week. Upon coming home it had turned out he just took me to make his mrs jealous, and didn’t have feelings for me. I was upset that I’d been played, I wasn’t upset about the feelings or anything like that.

My boyfriend found a message relating to the fact of me getting played and how I was upset. Well let’s just say he lost it. He called me all the names under the sun and told him I have scarred him for life. He assumes that I still have a thing with the road trip guy, due to still being friends with him. He also is assuming we had a sexual relationship, and that I’ve lied about not having sex with him. Now my boyfriend has met this guy, several times as he works at a joiner near my house. They’ve been friendly, chatted and he saw there was no threat. I’ve tried to explain to my bf that nothing happened and I didn’t think a week of getting to know someone was even relevant.

Well because it’s ‘happened again’ he’s broken up with me. Now he has had serious suspicions about my friendship with road trip guy (bf is very insecure) and has asked me a plenty amount of times if anything happened. Obviously nothing happened, so that’s what I said. I only said it because it was so minor to me and no feelings involved (plus I had a good friendship, maybe having a chat once a month) that I wouldn’t call it ‘history’. My ex is distraught, he’s imagining all sorts and is almost accusing me of cheating on him (since I’ve met with road trip guy once or twice in the last year) when I literally wasn’t. I must add in here, he’s in the military and is surrounded by a lot of boys. He’s a fair journey away from me, so our relationship has been at a distance (only since October) with him coming up every 3rd weekend and getting holidays off.

He told me I should’ve told him and he’s right I should’ve. But I dont look at my friend and think about that single week we were getting to know each other. I just see him as a friend I can talk to occasionally. I lied, and it was awful for me to do that especially about a similar thing twice. But his idea of what happened has spiralled so far out of control he’s breaking his own heart and making me out to be a horrible person. He’s lied too about numerous things too, including lying about the EXACT same situation (saying he didn’t have anything with a girl n he did) and I forgave him because he’s 19 and everyone makes mistakes.

The relationship we did have was honestly fantastic. We both were so in love, the spark never died and we got on like a house on fire. We just have a connection idk how else to put it. Hes broken up with me, and says he needs space and he isn’t getting back with me.

I’m obviously giving him space, however he called me the night of the break up crying and asking me what I was up to (he’d been drinking). I had a small conversation with him and it ended. The next day he apologised to me for the way he was and for all the insults he said to me. I kept ignoring messages and he would pop up with something else. Eventually at some point last night he blocked me on Snapchat. He’s coming up in a week to collect his things and that’s it.

He’s back up again in April for 2 weeks.

What do I do? Do I say anything when I see him? I need opinions
he insecure, but you lying about stuff has had devastating effects on his insecurity and now he can't trust you to the point that he's broken up with you.

you might not be able to salvage this one...
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Anonymous #2
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There are so many red flags from the going through your phone, to being mad about stuff from before you were a thing, to demanding you get rid of people on social media, to being so aggressive and reacting in such a way.

Leave it at the break up, get on with your life and find someone nicer. Anyone with a modicum of maturity doesn't blow up at people like that, you have a conversation. I've never ever understood this whole all couple fight etc etc - myself, and my entire circle of friends are not in such relationships (all mid-late 20s now) and it's just rather toxic this idea continues to be perpetuated and accepted.
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Geraldthegoat
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1) Okay, I think that you should have told your boyfriend that you were in the speaking stage with him at the time but now it’s just that you’re friends. I think your boyfriend is just paranoid that he still has feelings for you or something because he liked you at one point. Just reassure your boyfriend that you don’t like him and that it’s just a friendship, have they met each other or talked to each other before?

Maybe this could happen so he’s less worried but there’s no need for him to fall out with you over it, just give him a little bit of space and he should be alright when he comes back. Does your friend still do things or acts flirty, I do understand where he’s coming from because he’s obviously not going to like you talking to someone that you had history with regardless if you’re friends with him or not and I am sure you would be the same if it was the other way around!

I don’t think that he should be checking your phone though so there’s clearly some trust issues there that you guys will have to work on . It might be where you have to choose your boyfriend or your friend even though you shouldn’t really have to do that if it was a regular friend but I guess it depends on how your relationship with your friend is now.

I read the other paragraphs but there are just to many red flags here!
Last edited by Geraldthegoat; 2 months ago
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Zarek
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Delete old messages. The past is in the past. Your relationship sounds a bit toxic.
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Anonymous #3
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I definitely see more issues with his behaviour than yours. Yes you shouldn't lie, but as you said, you didn't see how it was relevant. Speaking to someone for a week being this big a deal is just childish.

I wouldn't be mad if my boyfriend didn't tell me that, and usually I'm a pretty jealous person. Equally, I know he wouldn't care if it was the other way around. There has to be trust in a relationship.
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YaliaV123
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(Original post by Anonymous)
There are so many red flags from the going through your phone, to being mad about stuff from before you were a thing, to demanding you get rid of people on social media, to being so aggressive and reacting in such a way.

Leave it at the break up, get on with your life and find someone nicer. Anyone with a modicum of maturity doesn't blow up at people like that, you have a conversation. I've never ever understood this whole all couple fight etc etc - myself, and my entire circle of friends are not in such relationships (all mid-late 20s now) and it's just rather toxic this idea continues to be perpetuated and accepted.
Yes. He seems abusive honestly.
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brightlyok
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it is the beginning of the end. when you both started to lie...also you should understand that you can't be friends with another boys. one of the sides always wants more. of course, if you love him. you will try to save your relationship, but I think it won't have future.
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Anonymous #5
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Lol why is ure bf constantly checking your phone that's weird.
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