Happs_2705
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Hi everyone,

I have completed a Language Paper 1 Question 5, which asked to describe a market. Please could I get some feedback on my work? I would be most grateful! I think it is too long, so if anyone could recommend any unnecessary parts that could be removed that would be great as I can then shorten it. Also, how many many marks would you give this out of 40? (24 marks for the description and 16 marks for SPAG)

Thanks a ton! I really do appreciate it!

The sun was slowly rising above the horizon displaying a stunning radiant of colour in the humid air. Bright streaks of red and orange from the rising sun diffused in the sky which overcame the dark twilight. The golden, glowing sphere brightened in the sky as it rose higher and higher with every passing moment, warming the awakening market. It was a brilliant lantern, casting the everyday hues of the marketplace into vivid glows, the kind that make the best of dreams. The sun warmed up the stuffy, stinking air which smelled of sweat and rotting fish. No air freshener could have defeated this sour, rancid stink which ruled over the cramped air here. Stall owners began to unpack, setting up their stands for the long day ahead. The breeze was humid, and saturated in moisture. As the humid morning progressed customers began to flock in and populate the previously desolate street market. The afternoon flamed the market as exhaustion and breathlessness silently approached the first time visitors, but the everyday buyers proudly held on against the torture of the market and kept shopping.

The market roared with rage for it now was awake from its peaceful slumber and bloomed upon the street as if flowers spring from the concrete. The shops were stuffed and street vendors made the street extremely narrow forcing people to walk in a straight file like soldiers going to battle. Shops of all different species stood on either side of the street obediently. None of them had doors for the shopkeepers as they knew very well that the doors would not last long against the might, impatience, and violence of the customers. Herds of people climbed on top of each other at the counter of each stall yelling wildly like mindless monkeys brawling for a banana.

Large tattered wagons decorated with a collage of vegetable were parked beside the street and their owners stood beside them screaming prices like auctioneers, but instead of a hammer, they had a carrot which they would use to wade of the flies pointlessly dancing around the vegetables. Hundreds of extravagant stalls littered the narrow, side streets of the market, with hoards of customers meandering through; examining the stands of meat, fish, and jewellery. Eager customers surrounded a stall propped up with a folded piece of dank cardboard, like a flock of wild animals. Piles of vibrant spices filled the lopsided stall, with it's aromatic scent saturating the humid air, creating a multitude of pungent fragrances in the market and it's surroundings. The array of vibrant spices and ingredients piled up, occupying the small wooden stand, not leaving a part of it's surface revealed.

Sweaty buyers skilfully wove their way by locating minute gaps between people and squeezing through. Pickpockets felt like rabbits in a carrot field, and munched purses out of many pockets of innocent buyers too busy bargaining (experienced visitors wore tight pants for the same reason). Curious tourists flocked through the market to the smells of the ambrosial meat and sizzling foods which filled the air. A market stall owner flung the chillies and meat in a wok tossing and turning the ingredients, browning them in the hot oil. Peoples tastebuds danced over the sensational smell of food, which you could almost taste as the sweet, fragrant smells rose in the air.

Fine-grained spices from the surrounding stalls were being blown by the increasing wind. Suddenly, a tremendous gust took the traditional conical straw hat of an elderly thai woman. The hat blew and pirouetted in the harsh wind as it flew through the busy market. A woman rapidly galloped through the narrow streets, dodging other market customers in effort to catch up with her hat. Her shopping bags, which she dragged behind her, were full to the bursting point with colourful spices and food. Her elderly, fragile hands were being crushed by the weight of her heavy shopping bags.

“Get out of the way!” The fragile women demanded. Chaos. Absolute chaos…

Cars, vans, and motorbikes narrowly avoided the elderly lady as they furiously drove down the non-existent dirt roads, narrowly avoiding pedestrians. People could smell the engine oil and fumes as they filled the air. Cars rapidly passed and dashed leaving behind clouds of fumes and intoxicating gases which filled the lungs of those around. In the more densely populated areas of the market, an undistinguishable array of static sounds filled the air, which was formed from the sound of bargaining market customers. Customers haggled and bargained with stand owners to get the best price for their goods. The ricocheting sound of beeping cars could be heard all around the market, impatiently demanding customers to to move out of their way.

The deafening chaos in the market made ears split as if you were standing under a giant speaker. Vendors yelled prices and frustrated customers angrily argued with the annoyed shopkeepers. It seemed as if all the sounds in the world had come to a reunion.

As the day came to a close, customers began to vacate the busy market. The golden sun was beginning to set and filled the entire sky with the deep colour of rubies, setting the clouds ablaze. The sun's unforgiving heat began to fade as it began its descent below the horizon. The market was furious but seldom had anyone seen it while it slept. A calm breeze swept over it and the crumpled paper lying below swept along. The street was now lifeless and silent as a graveyard. The moonlight faintly escaped through the huddle of clouds draping the moon. It lied there sleeping lightly ready to explode at the first sign of light. Seldom had people noticed this market's true beauty and enchantment. It lived like this everyday. With long forgotten secrets lying deeply buried in its roots and vast knowledge in its stem, it kept on living.
Last edited by Happs_2705; 4 months ago
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starinthenight
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its extremely good like 19/24 and 13/16 for spag? although it doesnt seem like u could write that much in 45 mins i think some phrases kinda let me down eg
and kept shopping, you were standing under - try not to make it second person sometimes it makes the reader uncomfortable
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cleveranimal56
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(Original post by 1hhh)
its extremely good like 19/24 and 13/16 for spag? although it doesnt seem like u could write that much in 45 mins
You could definitely write that much in 45 minutes, especially when in an exam so important- I speak from painful experience.
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starinthenight
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(Original post by cleveranimal56)
You could definitely write that much in 45 minutes, especially when in an exam so important- I speak from painful experience.
aqa only award by level so the quantity doesnt really matter u could write 2 pages and get the same mark or even higher than someone who wrote 6 pages -in fact longer essays make it harder for examiners to mark
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Happs_2705
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(Original post by 1hhh)
its extremely good like 19/24 and 13/16 for spag? although it doesnt seem like u could write that much in 45 mins i think some phrases kinda let me down eg
and kept shopping, you were standing under - try not to make it second person sometimes it makes the reader uncomfortable
Thanks! What can I do to try an improve the mark? And what would you recommend removing if it’s too long?
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Happs_2705
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(Original post by cleveranimal56)
You could definitely write that much in 45 minutes, especially when in an exam so important- I speak from painful experience.
Thanks! What mark would you give this and is their anything I could improve?
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starinthenight
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i would say pick ur best sentences and get rid of the not so good ones (good luck with choosing them all of them r quite good) then link them
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cleveranimal56
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(Original post by Happs_2705)
Hi everyone,

I have completed a Language Paper 1 Question 5, which asked to describe a market. Please could I get some feedback on my work? I would be most grateful! I think it is too long, so if anyone could recommend any unnecessary parts that could be removed that would be great as I can then shorten it. Also, how many many marks would you give this out of 40? (24 marks for the description and 16 marks for SPAG)

Thanks a ton! I really do appreciate it!

The sun was slowly rising above the horizon displaying a stunning radiant of colour in the humid air. Bright streaks of red and orange from the rising sun diffused in the sky which overcame the dark twilight. The golden, glowing sphere brightened in the sky as it rose higher and higher with every passing moment, warming the awakening market. It was a brilliant lantern, casting the everyday hues of the marketplace into vivid glows, the kind that make the best of dreams. The sun warmed up the stuffy, stinking air which smelled of sweat and rotting fish. No air freshener could have defeated this sour, rancid stink which ruled over the cramped air here. Stall owners began to unpack, setting up their stands for the long day ahead. The breeze was humid, and saturated in moisture. As the humid morning progressed customers began to flock in and populate the previously desolate street market. The afternoon flamed the market as exhaustion and breathlessness silently approached the first time visitors, but the everyday buyers proudly held on against the torture of the market and kept shopping.

The market roared with rage for it now was awake from its peaceful slumber and bloomed upon the street as if flowers spring from the concrete. The shops were stuffed and street vendors made the street extremely narrow forcing people to walk in a straight file like soldiers going to battle. Shops of all different species stood on either side of the street obediently. None of them had doors for the shopkeepers as they knew very well that the doors would not last long against the might, impatience, and violence of the customers. Herds of people climbed on top of each other at the counter of each stall yelling wildly like mindless monkeys brawling for a banana.

Large tattered wagons decorated with a collage of vegetable were parked beside the street and their owners stood beside them screaming prices like auctioneers, but instead of a hammer, they had a carrot which they would use to wade of the flies pointlessly dancing around the vegetables. Hundreds of extravagant stalls littered the narrow, side streets of the market, with hoards of customers meandering through; examining the stands of meat, fish, and jewellery. Eager customers surrounded a stall propped up with a folded piece of dank cardboard, like a flock of wild animals. Piles of vibrant spices filled the lopsided stall, with it's aromatic scent saturating the humid air, creating a multitude of pungent fragrances in the market and it's surroundings. The array of vibrant spices and ingredients piled up, occupying the small wooden stand, not leaving a part of it's surface revealed.

Sweaty buyers skilfully wove their way by locating minute gaps between people and squeezing through. Pickpockets felt like rabbits in a carrot field, and munched purses out of many pockets of innocent buyers too busy bargaining (experienced visitors wore tight pants for the same reason). Curious tourists flocked through the market to the smells of the ambrosial meat and sizzling foods which filled the air. A market stall owner flung the chillies and meat in a wok tossing and turning the ingredients, browning them in the hot oil. Peoples tastebuds danced over the sensational smell of food, which you could almost taste as the sweet, fragrant smells rose in the air.

Fine-grained spices from the surrounding stalls were being blown by the increasing wind. Suddenly, a tremendous gust took the traditional conical straw hat of an elderly thai woman. The hat blew and pirouetted in the harsh wind as it flew through the busy market. A woman rapidly galloped through the narrow streets, dodging other market customers in effort to catch up with her hat. Her shopping bags, which she dragged behind her, were full to the bursting point with colourful spices and food. Her elderly, fragile hands were being crushed by the weight of her heavy shopping bags.

“Get out of the way!” The fragile women demanded. Chaos. Absolute chaos…

Cars, vans, and motorbikes narrowly avoided the elderly lady as they furiously drove down the non-existent dirt roads, narrowly avoiding pedestrians. People could smell the engine oil and fumes as they filled the air. Cars rapidly passed and dashed leaving behind clouds of fumes and intoxicating gases which filled the lungs of those around. In the more densely populated areas of the market, an undistinguishable array of static sounds filled the air, which was formed from the sound of bargaining market customers. Customers haggled and bargained with stand owners to get the best price for their goods. The ricocheting sound of beeping cars could be heard all around the market, impatiently demanding customers to to move out of their way.

The deafening chaos in the market made ears split as if you were standing under a giant speaker. Vendors yelled prices and frustrated customers angrily argued with the annoyed shopkeepers. It seemed as if all the sounds in the world had come to a reunion.

As the day came to a close, customers began to vacate the busy market. The golden sun was beginning to set and filled the entire sky with the deep colour of rubies, setting the clouds ablaze. The sun's unforgiving heat began to fade as it began its descent below the horizon. The market was furious but seldom had anyone seen it while it slept. A calm breeze swept over it and the crumpled paper lying below swept along. The street was now lifeless and silent as a graveyard. The moonlight faintly escaped through the huddle of clouds draping the moon. It lied there sleeping lightly ready to explode at the first sign of light. Seldom had people noticed this market's true beauty and enchantment. It lived like this everyday. With long forgotten secrets lying deeply buried in its roots and vast knowledge in its stem, it kept on living.
Hi, I'm also in year 11 and am just hopping in to offer some feedback. First off, this is a wonderful piece and there are plenty of golden nuggets to be found here. You've used a variety of higher tier vocabulary and have used a lot of similes. This is always good, and I like that you've decided to use some speech in your writing as well. If I were to provide some constructive criticism, I would say that the opening is slightly stretched, so perhaps cut that down by around half so that the examiner doesn't get fed up with that darn almighty sun . Next, I would say it would be advantageous to use more punctuation such as semicolons and colons, to showcase your spag skills to the examiner.
Marks:
15-20 for content: So a 16/17 if you were to take an average guess
And 12 for spag since I spotted some incorrectly spelt words and incorrect phrasing
29/40
But again, I would like to remind you that I am more or less your age too so it would be best to seek a teacher/professional's feedback
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Happs_2705
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(Original post by 1hhh)
i would say pick ur best sentences and get rid of the not so good ones (good luck with choosing them all of them r quite good) then link them
I like them all! That’s why I’m struggling to remove some. Also, what can I do to try and increase the Marks for the description? I was aiming for the full 24 Marks and then around 12 Marks for SPAG.
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cleveranimal56
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(Original post by 1hhh)
aqa only award by level so the quantity doesnt really matter u could write 2 pages and get the same mark or even higher than someone who wrote 6 pages -in fact longer essays make it harder for examiners to mark
Obviously, I was just clarifying that some people can write like the flash haha
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Happs_2705
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(Original post by cleveranimal56)
Hi, I'm also in year 11 and am just hopping in to offer some feedback. First off, this is a wonderful piece and there are plenty of golden nuggets to be found here. You've used a variety of higher tier vocabulary and have used a lot of similes. This is always good, and I like that you've decided to use some speech in your writing as well. If I were to provide some constructive criticism, I would say that the opening is slightly stretched, so perhaps cut that down by around half so that the examiner doesn't get fed up with that darn almighty sun . Next, I would say it would be advantageous to use more punctuation such as semicolons and colons, to showcase your spag skills to the examiner.
Marks:
15-20 for content: So a 16/17 if you were to take an average guess
And 12 for spag since I spotted some incorrectly spelt words and incorrect phrasing
29/40
But again, I would like to remind you that I am more or less your age too so it would be best to seek a teacher/professional's feedback
Thank you! I’ll definitely reduce the introduction! For the content, what can I do to try and increase my marks? I was aiming for 24 - I know it won’t be easy, but I want to try! I struggle with using semicolons, could you use an example of where I could use it? Thanks so much!
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cleveranimal56
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(Original post by Happs_2705)
Thank you! I’ll definitely reduce the introduction! For the content, what can I do to try and increase my marks? I was aiming for 24 - I know it won’t be easy, but I want to try! I struggle with using semicolons, could you use an example of where I could use it? Thanks so much!
I could tell you were trying a lot for the content with the complex vocabulary. In fact, I think that might be where the problem is. During classes, I used to do the same thing and haul in excessively extravagant words. However, I was down marked for this and was told it was best not to make my writing too flowery. If you read books quite a lot, this will become more and more apparent. It's much better to use a good word or a good simile in the write place than everywhere. As for semicolons, you use them to link two related stand alone clauses. E.g. Happs had very good writing; this was not surprising for Mr Harold, who knew she was a talented pupil. Hope this helps!
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Happs_2705
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(Original post by cleveranimal56)
I could tell you were trying a lot for the content with the complex vocabulary. In fact, I think that might be where the problem is. During classes, I used to do the same thing and haul in excessively extravagant words. However, I was down marked for this and was told it was best not to make my writing too flowery. If you read books quite a lot, this will become more and more apparent. It's much better to use a good word or a good simile in the write place than everywhere. As for semicolons, you use them to link two related stand alone clauses. E.g. Happs had very good writing; this was not surprising for Mr Harold, who knew she was a talented pupil. Hope this helps!
Thanks so much! So, if I remove some of the sophisticated vocabulary I would be able to increase my mark? Thanks for the example too!
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cleveranimal56
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(Original post by Happs_2705)
Thanks so much! So, if I remove some of the sophisticated vocabulary I would be able to increase my mark? Thanks for the example too!
Read tonnes, and find out how you need to remove the sophisticated vocabulary. For example:
Excessive sentence: The blinding, almighty sun glared angrily at the crowds of peasants that strode on the parched, tender soil below it.
Sophisticated and correct sentence: The dazzling sun cast its scintillating gaze upon the throngs of passers below it.
Sorry, the above example is something I had to come up with on the fly, it might not accurately inform you of the point I'm trying to make. If anything, just read!
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Happs_2705
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(Original post by cleveranimal56)
Read tonnes, and find out how you need to remove the sophisticated vocabulary. For example:
Excessive sentence: The blinding, almighty sun glared angrily at the crowds of peasants that strode on the parched, tender soil below it.
Sophisticated and correct sentence: The dazzling sun cast its scintillating gaze upon the throngs of passers below it.
Sorry, the above example is something I had to come up with on the fly, it might not accurately inform you of the point I'm trying to make. If anything, just read!
Thanks so much! I completely get that! If I redid it with edits please could you go over it again? My teacher never does
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cleveranimal56
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(Original post by Happs_2705)
Thanks so much! I completely get that! If I redid it with edits please could you go over it again? My teacher never does
My presence on TSR is intermittent, but if you PM me your edit then I might have a chance to look at it. Keep trying, English is a skill, and practice develops that skill.
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Happs_2705
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(Original post by cleveranimal56)
My presence on TSR is intermittent, but if you PM me your edit then I might have a chance to look at it. Keep trying, English is a skill, and practice develops that skill.
Thanks so much! I really do appreciate it! I’ve been looking over what to remove and I think this part is pretty irrelevant:

Cars, vans, and motorbikes narrowly avoided the elderly lady as they furiously drove down the non-existent dirt roads, narrowly avoiding pedestrians. People could smell the engine oil and fumes as they filled the air. Cars rapidly passed and dashed leaving behind clouds of fumes and intoxicating gases which filled the lungs of those around.

Would you agree?

I also deleted some parts of the intro:

The sun was slowly rising above the horizon displaying a stunning radiant of colour in the humid air. Bright streaks of red and orange from the rising sun diffused in the sky which overcame the dark twilight. The golden, glowing sphere brightened in the sky as it rose higher and higher with every passing moment, warming the awakening market. The stuffy, stinking air smelled of sweat and rotting fish. No air freshener could have defeated this sour, rancid stink which ruled over the cramped air here. Stall owners began to unpack, setting up their stands for the long day ahead. The breeze was humid, and saturated in moisture. As the humid morning progressed customers began to flock in and populate the previously desolate street market. The afternoon flamed the market as exhaustion and breathlessness silently approached the first time visitors, but the everyday buyers proudly held on against the torture of the market and kept shopping.

Thanks!
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cleveranimal56
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(Original post by Happs_2705)
Thanks so much! I really do appreciate it! I’ve been looking over what to remove and I think this part is pretty irrelevant:

Cars, vans, and motorbikes narrowly avoided the elderly lady as they furiously drove down the non-existent dirt roads, narrowly avoiding pedestrians. People could smell the engine oil and fumes as they filled the air. Cars rapidly passed and dashed leaving behind clouds of fumes and intoxicating gases which filled the lungs of those around.

Would you agree?

I also deleted some parts of the intro:

The sun was slowly rising above the horizon displaying a stunning radiant of colour in the humid air. Bright streaks of red and orange from the rising sun diffused in the sky which overcame the dark twilight. The golden, glowing sphere brightened in the sky as it rose higher and higher with every passing moment, warming the awakening market. The stuffy, stinking air smelled of sweat and rotting fish. No air freshener could have defeated this sour, rancid stink which ruled over the cramped air here. Stall owners began to unpack, setting up their stands for the long day ahead. The breeze was humid, and saturated in moisture. As the humid morning progressed customers began to flock in and populate the previously desolate street market. The afternoon flamed the market as exhaustion and breathlessness silently approached the first time visitors, but the everyday buyers proudly held on against the torture of the market and kept shopping.

Thanks!
The piece is already improving
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Happs_2705
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(Original post by cleveranimal56)
The piece is already improving
Thanks so much! You’re a life saver and more helpful than my teacher!
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cleveranimal56
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(Original post by Happs_2705)
Thanks so much! You’re a life saver and more helpful than my teacher!
:^_^: I'm just a student with a passion for English. Thank you for such a delightful read
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