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Igcse English EFL feedback

Hii, can anyone please read my piece of writing that I’ve written for igcse EFL English paper 1 and give some feedback on it?

The quesiton is worth 10 marks

Thank you very much!

*5 Write about a time in your life when you were disappointed or let down by somebody. Explain what happened and how you reacted.

My sister and I were 3 years apart. I was the younger one. For over a decade, she was my idol; I admired her like a goddess. From wisdom, kindness and popularity, she had all the best qualities. Her grades were flawless and her personality was of gold. Almost everyone I knew would regard her as, “The perfect girl”. To our parents, she was the perfect daughter. To the teachers, she was the perfect student and to me, she was the perfect sister. Everyday, we’d play with each other, share all our little secrets to one another, and we were inseparable. At least, that was until a while ago.

After I turned 12 and she turned 15, things changed. Despite living in the same house, we were as if miles away from each other. We had separated rooms and we were in separate worlds. Unlike before, we’d barely talk to each other anymore, nor do we even make eye contact. Of course, I tried my best to keep the relationship alive, although she seemed to reject my attempts. No particular problem was in between us, but it was just that, she changed.

Especially when I didn't think she could become an even more different version of herself, I discovered the unpredictable. The turning point was on one particular day she went out with her friends. Upon returning home, I passed her as she strolled across the corridor to her room. A strong, malevolent stench wafted into my nostrils. It was alcohol...

At that point, all my faith, respect and admiration for her drained out of my body. No longer did I know who she was. No longer did I see her as a model of perfection or grace. The sister who I wanted her to be, was merely a memory.