Disko0207
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#1
Report Thread starter 8 months ago
#1
Hi
Could someone look at my essays and tell me what I need to improve on? Apparently this is a C according to my teacher.
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Last edited by Disko0207; 8 months ago
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C1rse
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#2
Report 8 months ago
#2
(Original post by Disko0207)
Hi
Could someone look at my essays and tell me what I need to improve on? Apparently this is a C according to my teacher.
Hi Disko0207, I read through your essay and there are a couple of problematic areas which I think you can fix.
Firstly, although the range of vocabulary you use is excellent, there are quite a few grammar or spelling errors in your writing. For example: "This, along with the Treaty of Versailles which demanded Germany to pay reparations, allowed inflation to spiral out of control and result in economic and social difficulties in Weimar Germany." It should instead be: 'demanded that Germany pay reparations', 'and resulted in'.

The second thing that you could adjust is your introduction. I'm not sure what your syllabus specifically requires, so I'd advise you to talk to your teacher about how to really nail your intro. What I can say is that you should be answering the question directly in your introduction, whether you agree with it or not. For example, your intro should look something like this: 'The Franco-Belgian invasion of the Ruhr was the direct cause of the hyperinflation crisis in Germany in 1923. While other internal and external factors such as [other factors you want to talk about go here] also contributed to a moderate extent, the main cause of German hyperinflation in 1923 was clearly the crisis in the Ruhr for the following reasons...' OR 'The Franco-Belgian invasion of the Ruhr, while a significant contributing factor, was not the main reason for the hyperinflation crisis...'
I would also deal with the stated factor in your first paragraph, no matter which perspective you're arguing (although in general it is easier to agree with the essay title), and then go through the rest of your factors in the same order that you lay them out in the introduction [other factors go here] box.

The third thing that I think you can change is how directly you answer the question in your main body. You have so much good information in your essay but you're not structuring it in a way that examiners like. Try sticking to the PEEL method (Point, Evidence, Explain, Link). Instead of your first paragraph do something like this, for example: 'The Franco-Belgian invasion was a major contributing factor to the hyperinflation crisis of 1923. The occupation of the Ruhr, a critical area for German industry, by 60,000 French and Belgian soldiers in December of 1922 significantly reduced production levels and led to insufficient stimulation of the economy. The occupiers seized vital mines, factories, steelworks and food shops in an attempt to demand immediate payment from Germany, who had failed to meet their reparations. This crippled the German economy and directly led to the Weimar government printing more money in order to pay the outstanding bills as a response, which caused astronomical levels of inflation. By November 1923, the German mark was worth one trillionth of its pre-war value. This evidence clearly demonstrates that the Franco-Belgian invasion of the Ruhr was the immediate cause for the Weimar Republic's printing of money, and so a vital contributing factor to the hyperinflation crisis.'
For the most part I used your words and facts, arranged in the PEEL method. You could do multiple sets of evidence in one paragraph, just make sure you PEE each one and Link at the end of it. Try not to spend ages explaining what happened – your focus should be on analysis, not on writing an account of events.

In the conclusion you would weigh the different factors in your essay and conclude as to whether the Ruhr crisis was the main reason for hyperinflation or not (make sure it's the same answer that you had in your intro). It's vitally important that you maintain focus on the stated factor and link back to the question at the end of every single paragraph.

I hope that this advice helps! Please let me know if you have any questions or need clarification – I would be delighted to help you. Good luck with your exams, I wish you every success
Last edited by C1rse; 8 months ago
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Disko0207
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#3
Report Thread starter 8 months ago
#3
(Original post by C1rse)
Hi Disko0207, I read through your essay and there are a couple of problematic areas which I think you can fix.
Firstly, although the range of vocabulary you use is excellent, there are quite a few grammar or spelling errors in your writing. For example: "This, along with the Treaty of Versailles which demanded Germany to pay reparations, allowed inflation to spiral out of control and result in economic and social difficulties in Weimar Germany." It should instead be: 'demanded that Germany pay reparations', 'and resulted in'.

The second thing that you could adjust is your introduction. I'm not sure what your syllabus specifically requires, so I'd advise you to talk to your teacher about how to really nail your intro. What I can say is that you should be answering the question directly in your introduction, whether you agree with it or not. For example, your intro should look something like this: 'The Franco-Belgian invasion of the Ruhr was the direct cause of the hyperinflation crisis in Germany in 1923. While other internal and external factors such as [other factors you want to talk about go here] also contributed to a moderate extent, the main cause of German hyperinflation in 1923 was clearly the crisis in the Ruhr for the following reasons...' OR 'The Franco-Belgian invasion of the Ruhr, while a significant contributing factor, was not the main reason for the hyperinflation crisis...'
I would also deal with the stated factor in your first paragraph, no matter which perspective you're arguing (although in general it is easier to agree with the essay title), and then go through the rest of your factors in the same order that you lay them out in the introduction [other factors go here] box.

The third thing that I think you can change is how directly you answer the question in your main body. You have so much good information in your essay but you're not structuring it in a way that examiners like. Try sticking to the PEEL method (Point, Evidence, Explain, Link). Instead of your first paragraph do something like this, for example: 'The Franco-Belgian invasion was a major contributing factor to the hyperinflation crisis of 1923. The occupation of the Ruhr, a critical area for German industry, by 60,000 French and Belgian soldiers in December of 1922 significantly reduced production levels and led to insufficient stimulation of the economy. The occupiers seized vital mines, factories, steelworks and food shops in an attempt to demand immediate payment from Germany, who had failed to meet their reparations. This crippled the German economy and directly led to the Weimar government printing more money in order to pay the outstanding bills as a response, which caused astronomical levels of inflation. By November 1923, the German mark was worth one trillionth of its pre-war value. This evidence clearly demonstrates that the Franco-Belgian invasion of the Ruhr was the immediate cause for the Weimar Republic's printing of money, and so a vital contributing factor to the hyperinflation crisis.'
For the most part I used your words and facts, arranged in the PEEL method. You could do multiple sets of evidence in one paragraph, just make sure you PEE each one and Link at the end of it. Try not to spend ages explaining what happened – your focus should be on analysis, not on writing an account of events.

In the conclusion you would weigh the different factors in your essay and conclude as to whether the Ruhr crisis was the main reason for hyperinflation or not (make sure it's the same answer that you had in your intro). It's vitally important that you maintain focus on the stated factor and link back to the question at the end of every single paragraph.

I hope that this advice helps! Please let me know if you have any questions or need clarification – I would be delighted to help you. Good luck with your exams, I wish you every success
Oh my god I can't thank you enough! Thanks for making examples as well. I really appreciate the help!!
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Disko0207
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#4
Report Thread starter 8 months ago
#4
(Original post by C1rse)
Hi Disko0207, I read through your essay and there are a couple of problematic areas which I think you can fix.
Firstly, although the range of vocabulary you use is excellent, there are quite a few grammar or spelling errors in your writing. For example: "This, along with the Treaty of Versailles which demanded Germany to pay reparations, allowed inflation to spiral out of control and result in economic and social difficulties in Weimar Germany." It should instead be: 'demanded that Germany pay reparations', 'and resulted in'.

The second thing that you could adjust is your introduction. I'm not sure what your syllabus specifically requires, so I'd advise you to talk to your teacher about how to really nail your intro. What I can say is that you should be answering the question directly in your introduction, whether you agree with it or not. For example, your intro should look something like this: 'The Franco-Belgian invasion of the Ruhr was the direct cause of the hyperinflation crisis in Germany in 1923. While other internal and external factors such as [other factors you want to talk about go here] also contributed to a moderate extent, the main cause of German hyperinflation in 1923 was clearly the crisis in the Ruhr for the following reasons...' OR 'The Franco-Belgian invasion of the Ruhr, while a significant contributing factor, was not the main reason for the hyperinflation crisis...'
I would also deal with the stated factor in your first paragraph, no matter which perspective you're arguing (although in general it is easier to agree with the essay title), and then go through the rest of your factors in the same order that you lay them out in the introduction [other factors go here] box.

The third thing that I think you can change is how directly you answer the question in your main body. You have so much good information in your essay but you're not structuring it in a way that examiners like. Try sticking to the PEEL method (Point, Evidence, Explain, Link). Instead of your first paragraph do something like this, for example: 'The Franco-Belgian invasion was a major contributing factor to the hyperinflation crisis of 1923. The occupation of the Ruhr, a critical area for German industry, by 60,000 French and Belgian soldiers in December of 1922 significantly reduced production levels and led to insufficient stimulation of the economy. The occupiers seized vital mines, factories, steelworks and food shops in an attempt to demand immediate payment from Germany, who had failed to meet their reparations. This crippled the German economy and directly led to the Weimar government printing more money in order to pay the outstanding bills as a response, which caused astronomical levels of inflation. By November 1923, the German mark was worth one trillionth of its pre-war value. This evidence clearly demonstrates that the Franco-Belgian invasion of the Ruhr was the immediate cause for the Weimar Republic's printing of money, and so a vital contributing factor to the hyperinflation crisis.'
For the most part I used your words and facts, arranged in the PEEL method. You could do multiple sets of evidence in one paragraph, just make sure you PEE each one and Link at the end of it. Try not to spend ages explaining what happened – your focus should be on analysis, not on writing an account of events.

In the conclusion you would weigh the different factors in your essay and conclude as to whether the Ruhr crisis was the main reason for hyperinflation or not (make sure it's the same answer that you had in your intro). It's vitally important that you maintain focus on the stated factor and link back to the question at the end of every single paragraph.

I hope that this advice helps! Please let me know if you have any questions or need clarification – I would be delighted to help you. Good luck with your exams, I wish you every success
Sorry, I know I'm asking for a lot, but do you happen to know how to answer source questions? How is the source question in paper 2 different from the extract question in paper 1
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LucyDavidson
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#5
Report 8 months ago
#5
in general, I liked what you wrote. You can of course make a couple of edits. But this is not critical. If you really set out to take your work to the next level, then writing services can be of great help. I used one of those sites when write my colleage essays the work needed to be edited a little, and after making some minor edits, the final impression of the essay was much better. so pay more attention to these little things. they can both spoil and improve the final quality of work.
Last edited by LucyDavidson; 8 months ago
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C1rse
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#6
Report 8 months ago
#6
(Original post by Disko0207)
Sorry, I know I'm asking for a lot, but do you happen to know how to answer source questions? How is the source question in paper 2 different from the extract question in paper 1
Honestly, don't worry. I'm happy to help!
I'm afraid that I don't know what syllabus / exam board you're on so I don't know the specifics for your source papers.
The specification for your course should (hopefully) have that info in it somewhere.
Some general sources tips:
1. Make sure you read all the sources at the start and try to understand them as best you can. Different papers allow different amounts of time for this so make sure you ask a teacher about how long you have to do this.
2. Whenever you use sources, refer to them explicitly by name and keep quotations relatively short. Use a few key words or a phrase.
3. Try to be precise in what you say e.g. 'Source A suggests... because...' is usually better than 'Source B says...'
4. Maintain focus on the question and evaluate evidence from the sources using your own knowledge as well as provenance.

I hope that this makes sense!
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