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Help! Please can someone mark my story for English gcse?

I am doing the AQA exam board and really need help on story writing as I am aiming for a 9 (currently on 6). The question was on something delightful, and any tips would really help me as my mocks are coming soon:

Trudging back towards the unforgivable event, I began to realise that today was my day of judgment - either to heaven, or to hell. It was the twilight zone as I arrived to my fate, and as I saw the rays of moonlight grabbing hold of the starlight, the contemplation of my failure began illuminating within me - finding out that the path to redemption was now distorted. Like a burning match, I saw the waves of moonlight beginning to dance in the air; fluttering as rain began to cascade.

I remember then the first day of being a policeman. How everyone was content at their achievement; how nobody accepted anyone else but themselves - and how lonely I was that first day. Henceforth, I remember nothing of that event, but the event after; which was to say, a truly remarkable case of ecstasy.

It occurred after the party - when there was very few people left to talk to - that I went towards the cave where the sirens were located. Nonchalantly, walking in, a piece of golden paper was written on at the withered desk. The room - as i interrogate - was to my surprise... unwanted. From the graffiti on each corner of the room, there was no care left for the room, and could have been shattered at any moment. Callously, I threw the pieces of paper on the lovely floor, whilst the placid look on the wall stood bearing witness. If were to be destroyed, then it were to be done. I cannot describe to you before, on how the room had looked - but I can describe to you now, as I see it before me:untouched.

Dazzling, spangling, glittering: the dust that was once on the paper began wavering in the wind. Harrowingly, a gentle breeze ran in through the window, and began circling the room. Cupboards within the desk began coughing up there miserable belongings. Articles lay shivering and cold by the new wind, that they soon began rolling on the carpet to be away from it. All of a sudden, the wind gradually increased its intervals as night began creeping in.

Tick! Tick! Tick!

From the corner of my eye, I saw a shadow coming closer to me. The room began to fade into the rays of moonlight - still, the shadow grew larger. Abruptly, a solitary figure emerged from the side of the room. Not knowing where he had come from, he had gestured me into coming close to him.

We stood face to face - ready to ignite the match.
(edited 3 years ago)
I've never seen that question prompt before. You're telling me there's an official AQA question that I haven't done?
I can not remember the prompt, so it is not accurate. If you need a prompt(a question with the answer) from a past paper then I would do one again tomorrow. I’m looking for tips and advise to improve.

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