Homophobic gay boyfriend

Hi, I’ve been dating this guy for nearly a year now and we are both bisexual. He’s in the closet. He would come across as the straight stereotype if you met him. However his friends recently found out about me and asked him if he was gay and stuff. He denied everything to them and kept saying to me he felt he wouldn’t be able to cope if people knew. However he always says to me I can’t wait until I’m out we can be so much freer and stuff. But when his friends found out he denied everything and was like I can’t come out. I get it’s very hard and worse if you’re outed. But I don’t get why he couldn’t be like okay yeah I am. Instead he made up he has a girlfriend and showed them some random girl saying it’s her on Instagram. He was saying to me he couldn’t deal with the gay jokes by his mates and the homophobia etc. Which I understand but it makes me feel like I’m not that important if even if his friends know he still wont accept it :/. I’m not sure if he will ever be ready. But that isn’t the main point. It’s that I’ve just seen his friend post some video of them at college todau and my bf was in it and shouted f*ggot down the corridor. This like turned me off him and I feel so weird. As not only is he bisexual. So am I and it’s offended me. It’s also hypocritical as like he said he is scared of gay jokes and stuff. I get he is closeted but is this like normal. Does he have to make damaging jokes like that when he himself is scared of being called it but he is calling someone else that. It’s just made me sad and I’m not sure how to talk to him about it. It’s like extreme in the closest if he’s doing that and it’s just hurting me that he called someone that.

Reply 1

mch2021

how long have you been with him? x

Reply 2

candydiva

He is not mature at all. U need a rel with a more mature partner. He needs to work out his self-hate and lack of self-confidence in his choices before he can have a rel esp bi- or gay one where he needs to be surer of his identity to defend himself against xactly the social toxicity he is now projecting...

He is a weak individual. U will not benefit from this rel.

Reply 3

Anonymous #1

Original post by candydiva

Thank you I appreciate the help!

Reply 4

vapordave

Debate & Current Affairs Helper

Break up with him, he needs to go through this alone.

Reply 5

itsraininghere

Yeah the replies are a bit peak but it’s true. He’s clearly not ready for a relationship, and you shouldn’t be held back because of that.

Reply 6

Anonymous #2

Original post by Anonymous

no bc why is everyone saying you should break up with him?
Coming out is a really hard thing I have a couple friends who had a really hard time with it (personally I'm straight so I wouldn't fully understand how hard it is) but trust me he probably really does want to come out he's just scared and that's okay. You should be helping him through this if you really like him instead of just dumping him. The homophobic jokes are probably a result of his internalized homophobia so he just needs help overcoming that. You are important to him, but his mental health and comfort is too so if he doesn't think he can deal with whatever reactions or jokes people might have then give him time.

Reply 7

Anonymous #1

Original post by mch2021

how long have you been with him? x

Almsot a year

Reply 8

mch2021

Original post by Anonymous

Almsot a year

sorry to hear this, that must be mental torture :frown:

as much as you may love him I honestly think you deserve better than that. I know it may be a daunting experience for him to come out but making homophobic slurs just doesn't seem right, it's like not giving you the basic standard of respect you deserve. Personally I'd talk to him about coming out and if he will ever be ready and if he says he will give him a few weeks maybe then after that if he doesn't then just leave, I know its hard but you deserve to be with someone who is proud of you and your relationship!! hope you manage to figure out what is right for you