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Teacher is 'supporting' my sister too much
This will be a long post, and probably end up a bit confusing - sorry and please bear with me while I try and explain! 
I have been away this summer, and only recently got back home, so the issues I am talking about I haven't been her for all of them. My sister and mum left home back in June and moved into a refuge. There had been issues ongoing at home for a while, but things came to a head and they moved out. During this time my sister was doing her GCSEs - obviously not ideal circumstances. She has made her form tutor aware of some of the problems, but not particulary gone into detail. Another teacher (head of upper school) started to try and help her, offering her support etc. My parents have had issues a couple of times with this teacher before - not dealing with problems at school (there was a bullying issue that ended up involving the police because they school didn't deal with it and it carried on out of school as well). But that aside, there had been issues so this teacher wasn't particulary in favour of my parents as they had caused a bit of a fuss when he hadn't dealt with things before. It felt like the teacher seized of the chance of playing my sister of against my dad. He kept offering her support all through her exams - all very well - apart from the jibes about offering support because her family weren't etc.
My sister then left school this summer, but since then he is still trying to support her when he can. He gave her a lift back from the school prom, my sister goes into school several times a week to see him, they both text each other regulary, she has stayed over at his house several times. My sister has quite a lot of photos of her and this teacher - all innocent photos - but she is creating a photo album of them. I feel she is becoming infatuated by this teacher and all the attention he is offering her. I feel that he is taking on a 'concerned dad' type role and making a big deal that he is doing that because she isn't at home with her dad. But I don't feel it is appropriate that her teacher/ex teacher should be offering her the amount of 'support' that he is in this way.
My mum, my dad and I are all at home now. There were issues with my dad being violent, which is why they left. That isn't relevant to my post, so I won't go into it all, but there was a reason for that behaviour and it is being/has been sorted. But, the teacher is aware of that and it feels that he is holding that over us now. If we talk to the teacher and/or school about what is happening and our concerns about it the teacher will defend himself by dropping by dad in it and reporting him - which I don't want.
I had talked to my sister, but she is adament that there is nothing inappropriate about what is going on. She insists that the teacher is just supporting her. She has said that if we were to suggest there is anything wrong with the teachers behaviour she would defend him, and if need be lie to protect him. It feels like he has brainwashed her! He is encouraging her to stay away - he says he isn't, but there are texts are her phone from him with things like 'stay tough' ''i will support you through this' and he is helping her contact housing people to sort out a place to move into. because he keeps encouraging her to stay away we never get to see her to talk through any of these problems.
what do you lot think? is what the teacher doing inappropriate behaviour or am i being overly cautious? any suggestions as to what to do? as it is we haven't seen my sister for a week, and have spoken to her once. we don't know where she is staying - but i suspect at the teachers house again. i am at a loss to know how to get her to reduce/stop the amount of time she is seeing him, but i think whilst ever she is still seeing him he will continue playing my sister off against us and encouraging her to stay away.
i just want my sister back
I have been away this summer, and only recently got back home, so the issues I am talking about I haven't been her for all of them. My sister and mum left home back in June and moved into a refuge. There had been issues ongoing at home for a while, but things came to a head and they moved out. During this time my sister was doing her GCSEs - obviously not ideal circumstances. She has made her form tutor aware of some of the problems, but not particulary gone into detail. Another teacher (head of upper school) started to try and help her, offering her support etc. My parents have had issues a couple of times with this teacher before - not dealing with problems at school (there was a bullying issue that ended up involving the police because they school didn't deal with it and it carried on out of school as well). But that aside, there had been issues so this teacher wasn't particulary in favour of my parents as they had caused a bit of a fuss when he hadn't dealt with things before. It felt like the teacher seized of the chance of playing my sister of against my dad. He kept offering her support all through her exams - all very well - apart from the jibes about offering support because her family weren't etc.
My sister then left school this summer, but since then he is still trying to support her when he can. He gave her a lift back from the school prom, my sister goes into school several times a week to see him, they both text each other regulary, she has stayed over at his house several times. My sister has quite a lot of photos of her and this teacher - all innocent photos - but she is creating a photo album of them. I feel she is becoming infatuated by this teacher and all the attention he is offering her. I feel that he is taking on a 'concerned dad' type role and making a big deal that he is doing that because she isn't at home with her dad. But I don't feel it is appropriate that her teacher/ex teacher should be offering her the amount of 'support' that he is in this way.
My mum, my dad and I are all at home now. There were issues with my dad being violent, which is why they left. That isn't relevant to my post, so I won't go into it all, but there was a reason for that behaviour and it is being/has been sorted. But, the teacher is aware of that and it feels that he is holding that over us now. If we talk to the teacher and/or school about what is happening and our concerns about it the teacher will defend himself by dropping by dad in it and reporting him - which I don't want.
I had talked to my sister, but she is adament that there is nothing inappropriate about what is going on. She insists that the teacher is just supporting her. She has said that if we were to suggest there is anything wrong with the teachers behaviour she would defend him, and if need be lie to protect him. It feels like he has brainwashed her! He is encouraging her to stay away - he says he isn't, but there are texts are her phone from him with things like 'stay tough' ''i will support you through this' and he is helping her contact housing people to sort out a place to move into. because he keeps encouraging her to stay away we never get to see her to talk through any of these problems.
what do you lot think? is what the teacher doing inappropriate behaviour or am i being overly cautious? any suggestions as to what to do? as it is we haven't seen my sister for a week, and have spoken to her once. we don't know where she is staying - but i suspect at the teachers house again. i am at a loss to know how to get her to reduce/stop the amount of time she is seeing him, but i think whilst ever she is still seeing him he will continue playing my sister off against us and encouraging her to stay away.
i just want my sister back Scroll to see replies
This is obviously a delicate subject. From what you say, I would agree that this teacher is perhaps messing with her mind, but then I’ve only heard your side of the story. If worst comes to worst, you could consider family counselling option, but that doesn’t always work for various reasons (e.g. what does an outsider know about you so why should you listen etc). Maybe you should try to befriend (for want of a better word) her casually away from your parents and let her know that you’re there for her because it seems that she feels like she is alone in this (siblings should stick together). This would take a lot of patience and you should never mention your familial situation because that could scare her off and you’d be back to square one. Just send her a text asking if she wants to meet up somewhere not at home and keep it light and friendly. If she can see that you would be a better escape than this teacher, then she may be inclined to come back and face her demons. But don’t try and force her because again, that will have the opposite effect to what was intended. If she wants to talk about her problems, listen to her and be a shoulder to cry on if needs be. Don’t bad mouth this teacher in front of her, whatever you do!!! She obviously relies on him for support and thinks highly if him. But if you two can work something out together then there’s a higher chance she will do the same for the rest of your family. This will take *a lot, potentially* of time but, if you play your cards right and show her you care, it will work. I feel for you. Good luck!
From what you have posted it does seem quite innocent on his side, but she could be getting the wrong idea...
Perhaps you should talk to the teacher about this. And by talk i mean talk calmly, not like threaten him or anything
She really might just need him as a stable man in her life. You don't want him to be scared away if it really is just nothing.
Perhaps you should talk to the teacher about this. And by talk i mean talk calmly, not like threaten him or anything
She really might just need him as a stable man in her life. You don't want him to be scared away if it really is just nothing.
It's not as if your sister is disappearing from family, and if she did... You'd have to question how thick blood was.
It's clear that the teacher doesn't really like your parents, pretty much in the belief that the family is dysfunctional and is a negative influence on her. He's taken on the role of concerned friend.
It's slightly unprofessional though since he is a teacher after all. They're not meant to get so close to students, and it's unfortunate that his bias is coming through.
It's clear that the teacher doesn't really like your parents, pretty much in the belief that the family is dysfunctional and is a negative influence on her. He's taken on the role of concerned friend.
It's slightly unprofessional though since he is a teacher after all. They're not meant to get so close to students, and it's unfortunate that his bias is coming through.
If you are so convinced that she is being manipulated to deny an inappropriate relationship that you feel exists, you can report the situation anonymously to the school.
They are obliged to report it to the CP agency for investigation.. It is generally a common sense approach to investigative methods that can show up evidence, if there is a relationship, no matter how hard the accused tries to cover their tracks.
They are obliged to report it to the CP agency for investigation.. It is generally a common sense approach to investigative methods that can show up evidence, if there is a relationship, no matter how hard the accused tries to cover their tracks.
although i couldnt be bothered to read it i wish you good look in both this problem and your future
oh good lords above and below.
If teachers arent being criticised for sleeping with students then thier being criticised for not doing enough to teach the students
and when one comes along who actually seems to genuinely care suddenly hes the wicked stepmother
talk about being damned if you do and damned if you dont
Op maybe you should take a good look inward concerning yourself and your family - if your sister feels the need to stretch out to someone else instead of her kin
If teachers arent being criticised for sleeping with students then thier being criticised for not doing enough to teach the students
and when one comes along who actually seems to genuinely care suddenly hes the wicked stepmother
talk about being damned if you do and damned if you dont
Op maybe you should take a good look inward concerning yourself and your family - if your sister feels the need to stretch out to someone else instead of her kin
silverbolt
oh good lords above and below.
If teachers arent being criticised for sleeping with students then thier being criticised for not doing enough to teach the students
and when one comes along who actually seems to genuinely care suddenly hes the wicked stepmother
talk about being damned if you do and damned if you dont
Op maybe you should take a good look inward concerning yourself and your family - if your sister feels the need to stretch out to someone else instead of her kin
If teachers arent being criticised for sleeping with students then thier being criticised for not doing enough to teach the students
and when one comes along who actually seems to genuinely care suddenly hes the wicked stepmother
talk about being damned if you do and damned if you dont
Op maybe you should take a good look inward concerning yourself and your family - if your sister feels the need to stretch out to someone else instead of her kin
Insensitive is the understatement of the year. This person does not need people saying these sorts of things, particularly when he'she is asking for help with a situation that he/she is finding very difficult.
You need to keep things like that to yourself in future because you could really hurt someone.
Natsuko
Insensitive is the understatement of the year. This person does not need people saying these sorts of things, particularly when he'she is asking for help with a situation that he/she is finding very difficult.
You need to keep things like that to yourself in future because you could really hurt someone.
You need to keep things like that to yourself in future because you could really hurt someone.
wo hold your horses there general custer
firstly im not an overly sensitive person what i am is honest. The OP came on here looking for help and funnily enough not all help is "ahh you poor thing have a hug and cup of hot chocolate"
Im not unsympathetic to her plight however shes had however many posts saying you poor thing. She asked for help and advice i gave it - just becase i didnt coat it in candy floss does not mean what i said was untrue - if her sister is looking for outside help from someone else it can very well mean that the family is failing her in some regard. As for not needing to be told i would argue yes she does need to be told not to be harsh but becasue she may not have genuinely considered it.
You can only pander to sympathy for so long - i will not keep things like that to myself so dont even try and tell me what to do little girl because frankly you mean less to nothing to me.
It is sad refelction on on society when we are so quick to condemn someone who may only be trying to help - by being there for someone who needs it. Admitedly im cynical enough to not particuarly like it - but not every teacher is out to get into some vulnerable girls knickers. The teacher is making a huge risk for himself by getting involved as it is.
thats not a bad idea at all
(edited 4 years ago)
silverbolt
wo hold your horses there general custer
firstly im not an overly sensitive person what i am is honest. The OP came on here looking for help and funnily enough not all help is "ahh you poor thing have a hug and cup of hot chocolate"
Im not unsympathetic to her plight however shes had however many posts saying you poor thing. She asked for help and advice i gave it - just becase i didnt coat it in candy floss does not mean what i said was untrue - if her sister is looking for outside help from someone else it can very well mean that the family is failing her in some regard. As for not needing to be told i would argue yes she does need to be told not to be harsh but becasue she may not have genuinely considered it.
firstly im not an overly sensitive person what i am is honest. The OP came on here looking for help and funnily enough not all help is "ahh you poor thing have a hug and cup of hot chocolate"
Im not unsympathetic to her plight however shes had however many posts saying you poor thing. She asked for help and advice i gave it - just becase i didnt coat it in candy floss does not mean what i said was untrue - if her sister is looking for outside help from someone else it can very well mean that the family is failing her in some regard. As for not needing to be told i would argue yes she does need to be told not to be harsh but becasue she may not have genuinely considered it.
I'm not saying what you said was wrong but it wasn't helpful and if it had been me that had posted this, what you said would have destroyed me. Some times, candy floss is necessary.
silverbolt
You can only pander to sympathy for so long - i will not keep things like that to myself so dont even try and tell me what to do little girl because frankly you mean less to nothing to me.
Not sure I deserved that but that's not what I meant. One day it could be someone you care about, but that's none of my business.
silverbolt
It is sad refelction on on society when we are so quick to condemn someone who may only be trying to help - by being there for someone who needs it. Admitedly im cynical enough to not particuarly like it - but not every teacher is out to get into some vulnerable girls knickers. The teacher is making a huge risk for himself by getting involved as it is.
I wasn't condeming you for trying to help, you could have done it better. We don't know if the teacher is sleeping with her but he shouldn't be involved as much as he is.
Sorry if I offend(ed) you.
I think Silverbolt is being a bit harsh on Natsuko here. We all have opinions, and on an internet forum, are perfectly entitled to them.
Anyhoo, I personally think that it does seem a bit weird. I mean why would he be so adamant that if you tell the school, he'll tell the police about your dad?If he's got nothing to hide, he wouldn't mind and would feel perfectly able to defend himself, with proof and witnesses such as a wife/girlfriend to say where he was, what he was doing etc.
Which makes me ask, does he have a partner, as I am assuming not? And how old would you say he is?
I think this is a very tricky situation. On one side I could see how he could be innocent (like in the film 'Half Nelson') and be genuinely trying to help. On the other hand, my gut instinct tells me not from what you have told us. But what do I know. Like others have said, i think it would be best for you to be a good friend to your sister and be very tactful. Listen and offer her the supprort which she is getting from her teacher.
Good luck! And keep us posted on the situation.
Anyhoo, I personally think that it does seem a bit weird. I mean why would he be so adamant that if you tell the school, he'll tell the police about your dad?If he's got nothing to hide, he wouldn't mind and would feel perfectly able to defend himself, with proof and witnesses such as a wife/girlfriend to say where he was, what he was doing etc.
Which makes me ask, does he have a partner, as I am assuming not? And how old would you say he is?
I think this is a very tricky situation. On one side I could see how he could be innocent (like in the film 'Half Nelson') and be genuinely trying to help. On the other hand, my gut instinct tells me not from what you have told us. But what do I know. Like others have said, i think it would be best for you to be a good friend to your sister and be very tactful. Listen and offer her the supprort which she is getting from her teacher.
Good luck! And keep us posted on the situation.
Natsuko
I wasn't condeming you for trying to help, you could have done it better. We don't know if the teacher is sleeping with her but he shouldn't be involved as much as he is.
Sorry if I offend(ed) you.
I wasn't condeming you for trying to help, you could have done it better. We don't know if the teacher is sleeping with her but he shouldn't be involved as much as he is.
Sorry if I offend(ed) you.
Would it have been better if he wasn't a teacher?
It's pretty unfortunate but many people go into this profession because they want to help out others.
16 Bananas
I think Silverbolt is being a bit harsh on Natsuko here. We all have opinions, and on an internet forum, are perfectly entitled to them.
Anyhoo, I personally think that it does seem a bit weird. I mean why would he be so adamant that if you tell the school, he'll tell the police about your dad?If he's got nothing to hide, he wouldn't mind and would feel perfectly able to defend himself, with proof and witnesses such as a wife/girlfriend to say where he was, what he was doing etc.
Which makes me ask, does he have a partner, as I am assuming not? And how old would you say he is?
I think this is a very tricky situation. On one side I could see how he could be innocent (like in the film 'Half Nelson') and be genuinely trying to help. On the other hand, my gut instinct tells me not from what you have told us. But what do I know. Like others have said, i think it would be best for you to be a good friend to your sister and be very tactful. Listen and offer her the supprort which she is getting from her teacher.
Good luck! And keep us posted on the situation.
Anyhoo, I personally think that it does seem a bit weird. I mean why would he be so adamant that if you tell the school, he'll tell the police about your dad?If he's got nothing to hide, he wouldn't mind and would feel perfectly able to defend himself, with proof and witnesses such as a wife/girlfriend to say where he was, what he was doing etc.
Which makes me ask, does he have a partner, as I am assuming not? And how old would you say he is?
I think this is a very tricky situation. On one side I could see how he could be innocent (like in the film 'Half Nelson') and be genuinely trying to help. On the other hand, my gut instinct tells me not from what you have told us. But what do I know. Like others have said, i think it would be best for you to be a good friend to your sister and be very tactful. Listen and offer her the supprort which she is getting from her teacher.
Good luck! And keep us posted on the situation.
If the school found out, they'd probably take action regardless of whether he was in a relationship or not. As much as teachers, psychologists and other like minded professions want to help out, they aren't allowed to get too close because that's "taking advantage" of the person. Only till afterwards is it allowed...
Tombola
Would it have been better if he wasn't a teacher?
It's pretty unfortunate but many people go into this profession because they want to help out others.
It's pretty unfortunate but many people go into this profession because they want to help out others.
If it wasn't a teacher, no, I still would find this weird. You would have thought this man, teacher or not, would have the decency and politeness to talk to her mother at least, if not the father because of his personality. Or even her brother. If his sister told the teacher that her brother was worried, he would be happy to talk to the brother and assure him that he's doing her good. Not ignore the family.
Tombola
Would it have been better if he wasn't a teacher?
It's pretty unfortunate but many people go into this profession because they want to help out others.
It's pretty unfortunate but many people go into this profession because they want to help out others.
I don't think it would make a difference if he was a teacher or not
She's finished school anyway. But we don't know all of the story.16 Bananas
If it wasn't a teacher, no, I still would find this weird. You would have thought this man, teacher or not, would have the decency and politeness to talk to her mother at least, if not the father because of his personality. Or even her brother. If his sister told the teacher that her brother was worried, he would be happy to talk to the brother and assure him that he's doing her good. Not ignore the family.
The only thing that might have been a better option was to get others involved. For all we know, the only reason the family situation hasn't been reported is because the sister doesn't want it to become even more complicated.
Truthfully I wouldn't go to the mother, it's already been mentioned that the teacher doesn't trust these people. What's the point talking politely to someone, you believe has failed their daughter?
Considering that the daughter mentioned these problems after the family moved out, means that there are still issues that haven't been resolved completely. We're missing too much information definitely...
Anyhow... with all that. The only option left is to support the kid as much as you can, but it is somewhat unprofessional I'll admit.
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