Boyfriend called me slutty?

My boyfriend recently found out that I had a short term fling with a guy who worked at a nearby store. The fling was mostly sexual in nature and I did it as I was lonely and miserable. In those times, I found this guy and we started meeting up which ultimately led to intense sexual sessions as he was really into me.
We didn't get along though as we were poles apart and ended up breaking up. But we still had each other as friends with benefits so we still had sex with each other.

When I met my boyfriend again (we had a crush on each other, would almost date in 2017-2018 but he ****ed up and we couldn't) , I quit the friends with benefits relationship completely. Fast forward 8 months on, he boyfriend read some of my personal notes which I kept in my diary. It was about the guy from the store and the way things escalated between us.

After this, he suddenly became extremely angry. He accused me of being slutty, cheap, loose character who can **** anyone and said he couldn't believe how I could sink so low.
He refused to even talk to me properly. We didn't talk for a week and I kept crying/trying to cheer him up.
He finally stopped the arguments and cooled down but still says he can't believe I did this.

It really hurts me as he himself was in a relationship for 2 years yet he cannot even accept that I dated someone.

Why is he being so unreasonable?

I know it's a bit weird to jump into people's debates... but oh well.

I think the person you are arguing with is just convinced that if people followed their advice, there would be less toxic relationships in the world and people in general would be happier. I happen to agree with them.

I suppose I get why their saying they 'don't want' certain men to date women might set off your liberty-sensors, but I think they just mean that those relationships would likely be toxic and it would be better for those people, especially the women, if they didn't get into those relationships, for the sake of net human happiness. I don't think there was an implication of actually enforcing this coercively, the implication is instead that we'd be better off changing culture.

I do agree with your idea of liberty - ultimately people should be free to do what they want with their lives so long as they aren't harming anyone else. That's a great principle that I would defend.

But! If you just leave your principles there, with only liberty, you kinda ignore the nature and impact of our culture on people, and thereby forego the possibility of improving culture and thus people's lives.

Yes, people should be free to do what they want, but surely that includes people like me attempting to make arguments that our culture is not perfect and it socialises people into that imperfection and people could be happier if we succeeded in addressing those problems.

You might disagree with the idea that there are problems with our culture regarding the way men view female sexuality, or you might disagree that we can do anything to change it (though I think it's clear that it has changed over time and thus could continue to change). But my point is, just referencing liberty is missing the point that the problem is culture.

Liberty is great! People should be free to do what they want... absolutely. But, what should they want? There the real discussion begins! If you don't have that discussion, you just perpetuate the current culture, whatever it is.

I say he's a misogynist... I wouldn't spend a second more worrying about wat he thinks or says. Cut him off totally.

I'll tell master wat fun I've been having and he will only call me slutty in the way that respects me and makes me horny... the opposite of OP! Dudes who xpect and demand girls to have zero sexual history r weak and problematic. They always try to control and manipulate and aren't worth a second of anyone's time.

Basically your boyfriend probably has insecurity about his own relative lack of a sexual past, and/or insecurity about himself or his mates thinking he is going out with someone 'slutty'.

In either case, unfortunately he has a pretty typical form of masculine socialisation. This is symptomatic of a long cultural history of the repression of female sexuality to make them better sexual property of men etc etc.

My boyfriend recently found out that I had a short term fling with a guy who worked at a nearby store. The fling was mostly sexual in nature and I did it as I was lonely and miserable. In those times, I found this guy and we started meeting up which ultimately led to intense sexual sessions as he was really into me.
We didn't get along though as we were poles apart and ended up breaking up. But we still had each other as friends with benefits so we still had sex with each other.

When I met my boyfriend again (we had a crush on each other, would almost date in 2017-2018 but he ****ed up and we couldn't) , I quit the friends with benefits relationship completely. Fast forward 8 months on, he boyfriend read some of my personal notes which I kept in my diary. It was about the guy from the store and the way things escalated between us.

After this, he suddenly became extremely angry. He accused me of being slutty, cheap, loose character who can **** anyone and said he couldn't believe how I could sink so low.
He refused to even talk to me properly. We didn't talk for a week and I kept crying/trying to cheer him up.
He finally stopped the arguments and cooled down but still says he can't believe I did this.

It really hurts me as he himself was in a relationship for 2 years yet he cannot even accept that I dated someone.

Why is he being so unreasonable?

Hey. Can I know how old you are? If you don't mind me asking. It just helps me cater my advice a little bit.

Firstly, were you in a current relationship with your boyfriend when you were having sex with the other guy? If so, that's cheating so your boyfriend has a right to be upset to an extent. Sex is only temporary pleasure which wouldn't have helped your mental health but only made it worse because it increases the dopamine levels in your system. I know how it feels to feel empty, down and wanting to fill a void. What I would recommend is speaking to a friend or family member, especially if you were lonely and miserable, like you said. Meditating/mindfulness or doing something you enjoy can take your mind off those negative emotions too. There's also a lot of helplines and therapy online I can send you some recommendations or phone numbers if you want.

What did your boyfriend do to prevent you guys from dating? Could you elaborate on that please?

Your boyfriend has no right to invade your privacy. Even though you're in a relationship, you should still be able to be independent in a relationship. I don't know how close you guys were or how he found your diary but personally, I would've been a bit annoyed. If you're not hiding anything from him it should be fine though but in your case, he didn't know about 'the guy from the store' which you probably should've told him about in order to prevent something like this happening. He's probably angry because he would've preferred for you to tell him rather than him finding out from your diary. If you don't want him invading your privacy you need to set boundaries in your relationship. This can be detrimental though because if you guys want a future together, you should be able to tell/show him everything because a relationship is a partnership.

With regards to the way your boyfriend reacted, it's a bit concerning. Does he have anger issues? Have you seen him get angry before? How does he normally act or what does he usually say when he gets angry?

Regardless of what you've done, he has no right to insult you like that. In my opinion, I would break up with him immediately because he obviously doesn't respect you. His reaction just says a lot about you and your whole relationship which looks toxic and psychologically abusive, form my perspective. I always tell myself that I can't control what someone says or does to me but I can control how I react and deal with that person.

He has a right to be upset though because you guys have been dating for a while I'm assuming which doesn't mean you needed to tell him about 'the guy from the store' but in order to prevent your relationship from being jeopardized, like I said, he should've known about it eventually. Regardless of how he found out, he shouldn't have insulted you and he probably would've reacted in the same way, maybe even worse e.g., physical abuse. To prevent something like domestic abuse happening, I'd suggest telling someone like a family member or friend and definitely leaving the relationship.

Different people express their pain in different ways, in his case, it was by abusing and insulting you (which is understandable but never justifiable) and y giving you the silent treatment. If you guys live together I know how you feel because I don't really talk to my sister that much. I know it's not the same thing but I understand and emphasize with your pain. You don't need to apologize to him if you were seeing 'the guy from the store' before you got into a relationship with your current boyfriend but try your best to explain your mental health and why you did what you did without making the situation worse obviously.

It's good that you guys have finally stopped arguing and it's only natural that your relationship would be a bit chaotic and overwhelming for a while. He was in a relationship for 2 years which suggests that he's loyal so he'd obviously expect you to do the same.

Just to clarify... were you and 'the guy from the store' dating or just having sex/friends with benefits?

I wish you the best and I hope my advice helped. If you would like anymore advice, please PM me or reply to this post.
C x

so what advice would you give the OP?

Hey.

No I wasn't in a relationship with him as we weren't in contact. I hadn't seen him for a year. Not even seen him properly for 2 years I guess.

He was acting really immature and childish and had pushed all the blame on me before. He lied to himself and cut me away from him. He left for another country and got into a lustful relationship himself.

Yes he does have a shirt fuse. He gets irritable quickly and when he gets angry, he shouts and loses his temper completely.

I think some people on here might have misunderstood the OP’s situation. I don't think the OP’s bf was angry or upset or insecure that she has a sexual past. I think he probably got insecure to read the graphic details of what one of her past relationships did with her. Not many men, in my opinion, would want to read that and if they did, would simply be okay with it.

I think some females on here are fighting a battle of equality when it isn’t about that. Some also seem to have repressed rage against men and using “toxic masculinity” as their excuse.

Let me give you an example and I sincerely apologise if it reads poorly.

Imagine you are with your gf. You discuss your sexual pasts. You tell her that you have been with 50 females and she has been with the exact same number. The information shared in general terms would probably be received as not being a big deal and you move on.

However, if she happened to read a journal that you wrote and found that you were bedding these women 4 at a time and had no care for them. Then you also did some colourful things as well. I personally would think that your gf would probably not be 100% ok with it. Yes, some females might not care and some would care and probably feel a type of way about it. It is natural and human.

This can also be turned and it would be the guy reading his partner’s diary and finding out that she was bedding 4 lads at the same time. Again, some men would not care and some would feel a type of way.

Apologies for the crude description. I am not saying that was the OP’s case, but provided a random example

Some people appear to have intentionally moved the conversation towards sexual liberation and misogyny which was not the fundamental point of the OP’s situation. I don't think her bf was upset that she had a sexual history. I think he probably felt upset when he learned the graphic details of some of that history.

I gave a challenge to another member to test the hypothesis on their partner. Other females should do that and know the outcome. If they are confident that their partners would behave in a certain way after knowing graphic details, then so be it.