Guy Who Likes Me Abused His Ex Girlfriend...

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Anonymous #1
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I'm in complete shock rn, I went through a breakup recently and there's another guy who likes me a lot (he's told me). He's good looking, a few years older, has a reputation for being a player and a few of my other friends know him. He comes off as really nice and friendly, said that I was a "star" because of how good a student I am, stood up for me when others bullied me etc. Like he's the most supportive guy although we are just acquaintances. I have only known him since last summer. Tbh I was thinking of going out with him till I found this out. He always claims to be a very nice guy but tbh he does come off as one.

Obv I'm not going to go out with him after hearing this btw but I just heard from mutual friends whom I trust that he was abusive to his ex gf, whom they also know, back in 2017. Apparently they used to argue a lot, he threw a plate of food in her face b/c she watches shows like the X Factor that he thinks are trashy, he made fun of her family for being working class, took away her teddy bear she'd had since childhood till her brother threatened him etc. Idc if she was horrible to him that's unacceptable and abuse.

Don't worry TSR Im not going to go out with him now! My friends say he's still got anger issues and can be very passive aggressive though that's his last relationship so they don't know how he treats women now. They are only friends b/c their parents are friends and his parents are rich and have connections. I haven't noticed this much myself but he did sulk and not talk to me for weeks because I didn't wish him a happy Valentines day, but then he didn't do it to me either??

But it's scary, have I been overlooking some massive red flags? I would have gone out with him, if my friends hadn't told him! Are abusive guys really that hard to spot?
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Anonymous #2
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you should take boxing lessons just in case, hit that mf right where his legs meet
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Anonymous #3
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There is also another thing you have to remember though, these are things that you have been told from other people. I arent saying they're false but there can always be either two sides to a story or exageration of things.

Obviously you do whats best for youself, but also make sure youre thinking for yourself too. People can be wrong. :suith:
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Anonymous)
There is also another thing you have to remember though, these are things that you have been told from other people. I arent saying they're false but there can always be either two sides to a story or exageration of things.

Obviously you do whats best for youself, but also make sure youre thinking for yourself too. People can be wrong. :suith:
Thank you :heart: however mutual friends have told me he admitted to it himself, and didn't even seem to regret what he did or think there was anything wrong, just mentioned it a few years ago at a party and then there was a bit of a wtf moment apparently.

Throwing a plate of food in someone's face alone is wtf like he's a big guy too (he's 6 ft 4 and massive), I cant imagine if someone did that to me. No idea what his ex was like but no matter what that is abuse.
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ImagineNotDating
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(Original post by anonymous)
you should take boxing lessons just in case, hit that mf right where his legs meet
omg im dying!!!!!!
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Anonymous)
you should take boxing lessons just in case, hit that mf right where his legs meet
(Original post by ImagineNotDating)
omg im dying!!!!!!
Im not even going to be friends with him after finding this out, he's a big guy tbh and it scares me to find out.

He did also act like a child over me not wishing him happy Valentines, it was sooo weird b/c he didn't text it me either? Like he legit didnt talk to me for weeks straight
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ImagineNotDating
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Im not even going to be friends with him after finding this out, he's a big guy tbh and it scares me to find out.

He did also act like a child over me not wishing him happy Valentines, it was sooo weird b/c he didn't text it me either? Like he legit didnt talk to me for weeks straight
Tell em to get bent
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V℮rsions
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(Original post by Anonymous)
you should take boxing lessons just in case, hit that mf right where his legs meet
You aren't going to a good boxing class if that's what they're teaching you :nope:
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barnet1471
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Unfortunately there is not a register of such men. Glad to read that your friends cared enough about you to let him know what he is like. It saddens me when women don't steer clear of men who deserve to be single because of their past behaviour. No woman with any self-respect should go near Ryan Giggs for example after his affair with his sister in law and using the courts to silence comments from Imogen Thomas.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by ImagineNotDating)
Tell em to get bent
I know its so weird! Like he is sensitive, but wtf? I think lots of other girls suck up to him cuz he's good looking. I just treat him as a friend though?
(Original post by V℮rsions)
You aren't going to a good boxing class if that's what they're teaching you :nope:
What do they teach in a good boxing class?
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ImagineNotDating
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I know its so weird! Like he is sensitive, but wtf? I think lots of other girls suck up to him cuz he's good looking. I just treat him as a friend though?

What do they teach in a good boxing class?
They teach body hits and face hits not anything below the belt. Karate is for kicking nuts though. Also, I think he treats all of his playboy victims this way.
Last edited by ImagineNotDating; 6 days ago
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Joleee
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i was in a long-term relationship with an extremely abusive person (didn't know that tho cuz they are a pathological liar/narsisist who did all the abuse behind my back. i mean that in a literal sense btw; like they have a disorder and need to seek professional help).

in most cases tho i reckon where there's not a personality disorder like my ex, it's just hard to spot because the abuser is obvs not going to admit their past to you and they will be on their best behaviour at first to 'win your heart' :daydreaming: :date:. eventually it will come out tho because abusers don't know what they're doing is abusive and feel entitled to do it, so will do it till they accept it's wrong. but yeah, there is a real myth out there that these people are easy to spot. like how many times have you heard 'a woman always knows when she's being cheated on'. i think i've lost count.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by barnet1471)
Unfortunately there is not a register of such men. Glad to read that your friends cared enough about you to let him know what he is like. It saddens me when women don't steer clear of men who deserve to be single because of their past behaviour. No woman with any self-respect should go near Ryan Giggs for example after his affair with his sister in law and using the courts to silence comments from Imogen Thomas.
Yeah, the worst was that my friends told me he was saying it with not even any remorse or self awareness like what on earth? I am so glad they let me know too, this was scary b/c he did come off as nice usually.

I bet lots of girls still would go out with him after knowing that but I sure wont. Sulking over me not texting him for Valentines should of been a warning tbf, but I didn't expect anything like this.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Joleee)
i was in a long-term relationship with an extremely abusive person (didn't know that tho cuz they are a pathological liar/narsisist who did all the abuse behind my back. i mean that in a literal sense btw; like they have a disorder and need to seek professional help).

in most cases tho i reckon where there's not a personality disorder like my ex, it's just hard to spot because the abuser is obvs not going to admit their past to you and they will be on their best behaviour at first to 'win your heart' :daydreaming: :date:. eventually it will come out tho because abusers don't know what they're doing is abusive and feel entitled to do it, so will do it till they accept it's wrong. but yeah, there is a real myth out there that these people are easy to spot. like how many times have you heard 'a woman always knows when she's being cheated on'. i think i've lost count.
Omg I'm so sorry to hear that hun hope your OK now :heart: :heart: Yeah apparenlty this guy's parents (they're really well off, his dad is an MP) were always splitting up and getting back together when he was a kid, might explain it cuz he has all the looks and money but actually I have always got a weird vibe from some things he does.. Like during Zoom convos with other people he'll go on about hot random Insta models are and I'm like cool? No one cares lol.

Like he almost love bombs in a sense, is on his best behaviour as you say but sometimes he flatters me almost too much if you know what I mean. I think he idealises me and a few other people we know. You are so right, I would never have spotted it w/o my friends. People act like abusers just tell people, they don't. And like you say they refuse to admit it too. My friends said he just mentioned what he did to her w/o any remorse, self awareness anything and they were shocked esp b/c it was at a party.
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Dunnig Kruger
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With a some knowledge and experience you can spot most of the really horribly bullying types relatively quickly.
Their abusive nature runs through their core like the writing in a stick of rock.
Listen and observe how they talk and interact with you and others, especially their parents, brothers, sisters and their children if they have any.
Look at how they respond to stress and pressure. How they act when things aren't going their way.

However, it's impossible to spot all the nasty people in advance.
Last edited by Dunnig Kruger; 6 days ago
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Moonlight rain
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Abusive people can look so kind in front of others but abusing their victim which makes hard for others to people believe the victim
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the_pharaoh
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I'm in complete shock rn, I went through a breakup recently and there's another guy who likes me a lot (he's told me). He's good looking, a few years older, has a reputation for being a player and a few of my other friends know him. He comes off as really nice and friendly, said that I was a "star" because of how good a student I am, stood up for me when others bullied me etc. Like he's the most supportive guy although we are just acquaintances. I have only known him since last summer. Tbh I was thinking of going out with him till I found this out. He always claims to be a very nice guy but tbh he does come off as one.

Obv I'm not going to go out with him after hearing this btw but I just heard from mutual friends whom I trust that he was abusive to his ex gf, whom they also know, back in 2017. Apparently they used to argue a lot, he threw a plate of food in her face b/c she watches shows like the X Factor that he thinks are trashy, he made fun of her family for being working class, took away her teddy bear she'd had since childhood till her brother threatened him etc. Idc if she was horrible to him that's unacceptable and abuse.

Don't worry TSR Im not going to go out with him now! My friends say he's still got anger issues and can be very passive aggressive though that's his last relationship so they don't know how he treats women now. They are only friends b/c their parents are friends and his parents are rich and have connections. I haven't noticed this much myself but he did sulk and not talk to me for weeks because I didn't wish him a happy Valentines day, but then he didn't do it to me either??

But it's scary, have I been overlooking some massive red flags? I would have gone out with him, if my friends hadn't told him! Are abusive guys really that hard to spot?
I'm not defending what he did at all but
Either ur mutual friend could be lying
Or
Maybe the guy changed

Idk tho these are possibilities
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Anonymous #4
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Don’t ignore red flags. My recent ex boyfriend had a lot of aggressive traits that I ignored because “he was soft, sensitive and caring with me AT THE START, I was naive enough to think he would never direct this aggressiveness towards me because he liked me so much and he DID end up acting sadistically and horribly to me, and that was 5 months down the line, luckily I left before he could get physically aggressive with me. I was shocked because he was charming, made a load of promises, etc but I’m telling you, these people can flip in an instant to change into someone you don’t know. I mean with my ex it was within one random day after 4-5 months together that he flipped. These people are unreliable and will hurt you physically AND/or emotionally.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Don’t ignore red flags. My recent ex boyfriend had a lot of aggressive traits that I ignored because “he was soft, sensitive and caring with me AT THE START, I was naive enough to think he would never direct this aggressiveness towards me because he liked me so much and he DID end up acting sadistically and horribly to me, and that was 5 months down the line, luckily I left before he could get physically aggressive with me. I was shocked because he was charming, made a load of promises, etc but I’m telling you, these people can flip in an instant to change into someone you don’t know. I mean with my ex it was within one random day after 4-5 months together that he flipped. These people are unreliable and will hurt you physically AND/or emotionally.
Thank you hun, great advice and I'm so sorry that happened, hope you're OK now :heart: :heart: What a flipping **** :mad:

Yep it would be easy to just tell myself he's good looking, we get on etc. But in the end you're so right the little red flags will turn bigger. He definitely has insecurities and anger issues if Im being honest with myself. Also, he idealises me and says I'm a "10/10" but then does weird stuff, like going on about Instagram models on Zoom talks with other friends when nobody cares and then saying they're his ideal girl. I think he's trying to "neg" me but its not gonna work :rolleyes:

You're so right about the part in bold as well unfortunatley, have seen it w friends. Charming and love bombing and then getting nastier out of no where. He's already being a bit manipulative what with sulking because I don't text him happy Valentines.

Thanks again girl :heart: much appreciated xxx
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candydiva
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(Original post by Joleee)
i was in a long-term relationship with an extremely abusive person (didn't know that tho cuz they are a pathological liar/narsisist who did all the abuse behind my back. i mean that in a literal sense btw; like they have a disorder and need to seek professional help).

in most cases tho i reckon where there's not a personality disorder like my ex, it's just hard to spot because the abuser is obvs not going to admit their past to you and they will be on their best behaviour at first to 'win your heart' :daydreaming: :date:. eventually it will come out tho because abusers don't know what they're doing is abusive and feel entitled to do it, so will do it till they accept it's wrong. but yeah, there is a real myth out there that these people are easy to spot. like how many times have you heard 'a woman always knows when she's being cheated on'. i think i've lost count.
I am sorry for ur xperience and I get wat u r saying.

From my pov I just can't believe that there are no signs. In cases with abusive males who my friends have met there have always been signs well before they let their full nature out.

Typical signs include using threatening language/terminology about other women (including on TV and online). Hot temper and inability to respect other ppls' choices. Disrespect to who they see as "lower status" ppl like wait staff. Enjoyment in other ppl's misfortune or turmoil. Excessive solicitous nature/whiteknighting when first dating. These are all low-level signs of a problem character who may be narcissistic or outright abusive.

Too much "charming" always turns my stomach...

Wat anon said above.... "I was naive enough to believe he would never direct this aggressiveness towards me..." Yes of course he will... as soon as u r emotionally attached he switches to using u as his emo punchbag! Just wat such a dude needs... a compliant always-near female who has been hoodwinked to absorb his abuse which he gaslights as "love" (actually I believe girls r smart and many delude themselves about the risk just like the anon quote)...
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