Can someone mark my description (English language paper 1 Q5)

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Bc23
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#1
Report Thread starter 1 year ago
#1
The question is to write a description of a creepy place. It's out of 40 - 24 marks for content and organisation and 16 marks for technical accuracy. Could you please mark my work and give me feedback. I think my description sounds too much like a narrative.
My answer:
It was an unusually harsh winters night;the unforgiving wind penetrated through my fur with its icy blade as I was perched on top of the iron gate. The moon glew through the somber clouds; her soothing white light illuminated the gloomy graveyard. The night air was heavy with the dank odur of moss and decomposing leaves.

Although the tall gate was half rusted, it still commanded a sense of regalness. Russet highlights came to life in between the gritty texture of obsidian and perfectly prominently spears that dominated the scene like a noble soldier. Strangely, the sturdy gate didn't seem to have a latch, nor a lock - forever protecting the graveyard's secrets.

In the graveyard, towering trees with sprawling limbs guarded the darkness, trying to blot out the moon's curious rays. Ropes of ivy emerged out of the darkness, twisting around the trees like knotted snakes. A thick fog engulfed the graveyard, turning the graveyard into to its sinister cocoon.The eerie fog cast contorted shadows of the trees, making them move around the graveyard in dramatic patterns.

Abruptly, the wind howled through the iron gate and danced through the graveyard while gracefully twirling the milky fog, creating intricate opal designs.The sour fog reluctantly began to lift, revealing a peculiar figure.

It was a woman.A silk white dress hung loosely on her boney physique; crimson stains were splattered on the canvas like a great art piece.Her eyes were emeralds, glowing with a surreal beauty. She had large bright eyes and yet, why were an ocean of tears gushing down her porcelain face?

Wispy strands of dark velvet hair blew softly like old cob webs while she mournfully looked down at a pitiful grave stone.She was somehow different from the other humans. A dark aura oozed out of her and her pale feet seemed to not touch the ground: what was this being?
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r312789
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#2
Report 1 year ago
#2
There are definitely a lot of good things about this. A description should hint at an underlying narrative (don't narrate though), so this is fine. You use a wide range of punctuation and write well and purposefully (albeit this seems forced at times).

To improve, I suggest that you check your SPaG (there are a few mistakes) and try to substantiate your description (by which I mean that you should try to describe things in relation to one another. This is a sophisticated thing to do because it adds an element of realism to your work and means that you aren't just arbitrarily adding different people/objects and describing them, but rather that you are working towards something - the aforementioned narrative undertone).
Last edited by r312789; 1 year ago
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chap7869
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#3
Report 11 months ago
#3
(Original post by Bc23)
The question is to write a description of a creepy place. It's out of 40 - 24 marks for content and organisation and 16 marks for technical accuracy. Could you please mark my work and give me feedback. I think my description sounds too much like a narrative.
My answer:
It was an unusually harsh winters night;the unforgiving wind penetrated through my fur with its icy blade as I was perched on top of the iron gate. The moon glew through the somber clouds; her soothing white light illuminated the gloomy graveyard. The night air was heavy with the dank odur of moss and decomposing leaves.

Although the tall gate was half rusted, it still commanded a sense of regalness. Russet highlights came to life in between the gritty texture of obsidian and perfectly prominently spears that dominated the scene like a noble soldier. Strangely, the sturdy gate didn't seem to have a latch, nor a lock - forever protecting the graveyard's secrets.

In the graveyard, towering trees with sprawling limbs guarded the darkness, trying to blot out the moon's curious rays. Ropes of ivy emerged out of the darkness, twisting around the trees like knotted snakes. A thick fog engulfed the graveyard, turning the graveyard into to its sinister cocoon.The eerie fog cast contorted shadows of the trees, making them move around the graveyard in dramatic patterns.

Abruptly, the wind howled through the iron gate and danced through the graveyard while gracefully twirling the milky fog, creating intricate opal designs.The sour fog reluctantly began to lift, revealing a peculiar figure.

It was a woman.A silk white dress hung loosely on her boney physique; crimson stains were splattered on the canvas like a great art piece.Her eyes were emeralds, glowing with a surreal beauty. She had large bright eyes and yet, why were an ocean of tears gushing down her porcelain face?

Wispy strands of dark velvet hair blew softly like old cob webs while she mournfully looked down at a pitiful grave stone.She was somehow different from the other humans. A dark aura oozed out of her and her pale feet seemed to not touch the ground: what was this being?
is this from the Rosie paper?
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Ibz.miah100
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#4
Report 11 months ago
#4
(Original post by r312789)
There are definitely a lot of good things about this. A description should hint at an underlying narrative (don't narrate though), so this is fine. You use a wide range of punctuation and write well and purposefully (albeit this seems forced at times).

To improve, I suggest that you check your SPaG (there are a few mistakes) and try to substantiate your description (by which I mean that you should try to describe things in relation to one another. This is a sophisticated thing to do because it adds an element of realism to your work and means that you aren't just arbitrarily adding different people/objects and describing them, but rather that you are working towards something - the aforementioned narrative undertone).
How many marks would you say that would get?
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Bc23
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#5
Report Thread starter 11 months ago
#5
(Original post by chap7869)
is this from the Rosie paper?
Yes
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williamy0027
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#6
Report 11 months ago
#6
(Original post by Bc23)
The question is to write a description of a creepy place. It's out of 40 - 24 marks for content and organisation and 16 marks for technical accuracy. Could you please mark my work and give me feedback. I think my description sounds too much like a narrative.
My answer:
It was an unusually harsh winters night;the unforgiving wind penetrated through my fur with its icy blade as I was perched on top of the iron gate. The moon glew through the somber clouds; her soothing white light illuminated the gloomy graveyard. The night air was heavy with the dank odur of moss and decomposing leaves.

Although the tall gate was half rusted, it still commanded a sense of regalness. Russet highlights came to life in between the gritty texture of obsidian and perfectly prominently spears that dominated the scene like a noble soldier. Strangely, the sturdy gate didn't seem to have a latch, nor a lock - forever protecting the graveyard's secrets.

In the graveyard, towering trees with sprawling limbs guarded the darkness, trying to blot out the moon's curious rays. Ropes of ivy emerged out of the darkness, twisting around the trees like knotted snakes. A thick fog engulfed the graveyard, turning the graveyard into to its sinister cocoon.The eerie fog cast contorted shadows of the trees, making them move around the graveyard in dramatic patterns.

Abruptly, the wind howled through the iron gate and danced through the graveyard while gracefully twirling the milky fog, creating intricate opal designs.The sour fog reluctantly began to lift, revealing a peculiar figure.

It was a woman.A silk white dress hung loosely on her boney physique; crimson stains were splattered on the canvas like a great art piece.Her eyes were emeralds, glowing with a surreal beauty. She had large bright eyes and yet, why were an ocean of tears gushing down her porcelain face?

Wispy strands of dark velvet hair blew softly like old cob webs while she mournfully looked down at a pitiful grave stone.She was somehow different from the other humans. A dark aura oozed out of her and her pale feet seemed to not touch the ground: what was this being?
it's not done is it?
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Bc23
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#7
Report Thread starter 11 months ago
#7
(Original post by williamy0027)
it's not done is it?
Yes this is the completed task. My teacher has already marked it.
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Ibz.miah100
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#8
Report 11 months ago
#8
(Original post by Bc23)
Yes this is the completed task. My teacher has already marked it.
How many marks did you get, I was thinking you need to write more
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williamy0027
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#9
Report 11 months ago
#9
how many marks did you get?
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Bc23
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#10
Report Thread starter 11 months ago
#10
(Original post by Ibz.miah100)
How many marks did you get, I was thinking you need to write more
I don't know the marks but i got a grade 8. I just fixed the spelling and grammar mistakes.
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idkaboutanything
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#11
Report 11 months ago
#11
Your so grood at wiring. I wish you can help me write an essay, not for school or anything just for fun. Like a creative one?
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Bc23
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#12
Report Thread starter 11 months ago
#12
(Original post by idkaboutanything)
Your so grood at wiring. I wish you can help me write an essay, not for school or anything just for fun. Like a creative one?
I dont think im good at writing. The important thing you should do before writing is planning. Planning helps you to sequence your ideas to ensure that your work flows well. I would suggest to start brainstorming different examples of language devices you could include in your work then develop them and include it in your work. After you should focus on how to structure your work by including a range of sentence forms and punctuation for effect. Remember to talk about the 5 senses, for example, for each paragraph you could focus on one of the senses.
Last edited by Bc23; 11 months ago
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Alihaych121
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#13
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#13
Was this the 2020 paper mock ?
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Highacheiver
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#14
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#14
Omg your writing is on point, how is this not a grade 9? Honestly your writing is unique and superb I love it, the only thing is you need to correct some SPag mistakes other than that I felt like I was reading an extract out of a Shakespearean book so enticing and the explicit detail you put into the description is just wow.
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