Found porn on my boyfriend’s phone

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Jenni18739
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So I went on my boyfriend’s phone the other day (he knew) and on his opened tabs was his secret folder and I saw porn but the video was deleted.
A few days later, I went on his secret folder (I know I shouldn’t have but our sex life hasn’t been great recently and I just knew something was wrong and I felt like it wasn’t my side)
In his folder, there’s so much porn. Photos from who knows where, as well as videos, some really bad and others not so much. I was a bit annoyed but then I found photos he’d saved from his Facebook of girls cleavage and some in fancy dress. Then I found some of my close friends. I only went back a month and there was so many.. and now I’m intrigued what else he has on there from later
I am disgusted. I haven’t spoke to him yet about it. We’ve been in a relationship for three years now and I really thought I trusted him. I know he wouldn’t cheat but I feel disgusted for my friends too
What do I say to him? Is it worth ending the relationship, is it worth falling out or having space? we live together.

Please give me as much advice as possible as I’m hurting so much but having to pretend everything’s fine.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Jenni18739)
So I went on my boyfriend’s phone the other day (he knew) and on his opened tabs was his secret folder and I saw porn but the video was deleted.
A few days later, I went on his secret folder (I know I shouldn’t have but our sex life hasn’t been great recently and I just knew something was wrong and I felt like it wasn’t my side)
In his folder, there’s so much porn. Photos from who knows where, as well as videos, some really bad and others not so much. I was a bit annoyed but then I found photos he’d saved from his Facebook of girls cleavage and some in fancy dress. Then I found some of my close friends. I only went back a month and there was so many.. and now I’m intrigued what else he has on there from later
I am disgusted. I haven’t spoke to him yet about it. We’ve been in a relationship for three years now and I really thought I trusted him. I know he wouldn’t cheat but I feel disgusted for my friends too
What do I say to him? Is it worth ending the relationship, is it worth falling out or having space? we live together.

Please give me as much advice as possible as I’m hurting so much but having to pretend everything’s fine.
Talk to him (after planning so ur clear)
Try not to get too defensive (if he tries to draw that out of u) or emotional
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Jenni18739
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Talk to him (after planning so ur clear)
Try not to get too defensive (if he tries to draw that out of u) or emotional
Thank you, I’m going to. I’m at work tomorrow and I’m planning on sending him a text to ‘warn’ him for when I get home. So he can get his story straight. I just feel cheated on. The girls all had different features to me and some of them my close friends? I want to protect them
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Wannabevetnurse
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yeah defo have a talk with him, it's not normal
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Jenni18739
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(Original post by Wannabevetnurse)
yeah defo have a talk with him, it's not normal
I kept doubting myself and thinking I’m overthinking it.

Is it worth ending everything over this? We thought we were going to get married and have kids. Am I overreacting?
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Wannabevetnurse
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(Original post by Jenni18739)
I kept doubting myself and thinking I’m overthinking it.

Is it worth ending everything over this? We thought we were going to get married and have kids. Am I overreacting?
What if it continues...and you still get married?? What if he eventually has an affair??

Just end it, just because you thought you were meant to be together, doesn't mean you were meant to be together. Just end it and in the long run, it'll be better for you
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harrysbar
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I was going to say porn on his phone is nothing to worry about but I think the photos of your friends is a bit creepy in that context....I wouldn't like that at all tbh (I'm a woman). You definitely need to talk to him about it.
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Jenni18739
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(Original post by harrysbar)
I was going to say porn on his phone is nothing to worry about but I think the photos of your friends is a bit creepy in that context....I wouldn't like that at all tbh (I'm a woman). You definitely need to talk to him about it.
The sheer amount of porn was a bit worrying to start with, where did he get them all from?! Did he pay for them? I thought people would use sites rather than having hundreds of saved photos.
Then I saw the Facebook photos especially my friends. I’m worried there’s also other photos of girls he’s slept with in the past. I have one in mind that he was once talking to about blow jobs in the bedroom when I was downstairs and I was seeing every message on his watch.
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Foxehh
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This entire mess is because your relationship doesnt have any communication. Your sex life wasnt great so you decided to ignore his basic privacy and go through his stuff, and then got upset with what you found. Learn your lesson and start talking to him when you have concerns or the relationship is doomed. Of course you shouldnt just pretend everything is fine when its not.
I wouldnt bring up that you went through his stuff unless you consider what you found to be cheating.. Whether you think having photos of women he knows on his computer is cheating is up to you.
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Jenni18739
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(Original post by Wannabevetnurse)
What if it continues...and you still get married?? What if he eventually has an affair??

Just end it, just because you thought you were meant to be together, doesn't mean you were meant to be together. Just end it and in the long run, it'll be better for you
Thank you for this. I really believe he would never cheat but this feels like a form of cheating especially as it’s my friends. I need to be brave as this will be a huge life change for me in many ways
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Jenni18739
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(Original post by Foxehh)
This entire mess is because your relationship doesnt have any communication. Your sex life wasnt great so you decided to ignore his basic privacy and go through his stuff, and then got upset with what you found. Learn your lesson and start talking to him when you have concerns or the relationship is doomed. Of course you shouldnt just pretend everything is fine when its not.
I wouldnt bring up that you went through his stuff unless you consider what you found to be cheating.. Whether you think having photos of women he knows on his computer is cheating is up to you.
The thing is, we do have communication and I saw on his opened tabs the porn in his secret files. I admit I shouldn’t have looked further. I did not expect to see people I knew on there
Thank you. I have tonight to think it over.
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Joleee
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i wouldn't warm him so he can 'get his story straight'. all that does is buy him time to come up with a lie, cuz what's he realistically gonna say to the effect he's kept photos of your friends from you?

ngl i was in a similar situation (except much much worse ). i can envision him saying 'it's not a big deal; all guys do it' or 'forgot i had them' and/or 'i promise i won't do it again'. then you have to decide in the latter situation whether you believe him or not. also have to decide whether you trust his word that he won't do it again. i know it's not an easy decision, especially when you live with someone and want to trust them

you also have to accept the fact that your boyfriend believes he is entitled to do this. given the amount of stuff you found on his phone he obvs wouldn't have stopped if you never found out. does that match your idea of an ideal partner? if the answer is no, then what do you do with that information? if the answer is 'it's fine', then can you realistically accept this and move on? cuz it's not something you should hold over his head forever, know what i'm sayin?

i'm not trying to persuade you to leave or make a decision atm cuz i know it's a hard one, but do you have a 'go **** yourself fund'? i mean like a savings account you can use if you decided it isn't working.
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Jenni18739
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(Original post by Joleee)
i wouldn't warm him so he can 'get his story straight'. all that does is buy him time to come up with a lie, cuz what's he realistically gonna say to the effect he's kept photos of your friends from you?

ngl i was in a similar situation (except much much worse ). i can envision him saying 'it's not a big deal; all guys do it' or 'forgot i had them' and/or 'i promise i won't do it again'. then you have to decide in the latter situation whether you believe him or not. also have to decide whether you trust his word that he won't do it again. i know it's not an easy decision, especially when you live with someone and want to trust them

you also have to accept the fact that your boyfriend believes he is entitled to do this. given the amount of stuff you found on his phone he obvs wouldn't have stopped if you never found out. does that match your idea of an ideal partner? if the answer is no, then what do you do with that information? if the answer is 'it's fine', then can you realistically accept this and move on? cuz it's not something you should hold over his head forever, know what i'm sayin?

i'm not trying to persuade you to leave or make a decision atm cuz i know it's a hard one, but do you have a 'go **** yourself fund'? i mean like a savings account you can use if you decided it isn't working.
Thank you so much for your reply. It’s really helpful ❤️
I have somewhere I could move into tomorrow if I needed and have lots of savings so that’s not a worry. I’m very lucky in that way.

I’m so torn on what to do as a few months ago I was questioning my future.
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Joleee
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(Original post by Jenni18739)
Thank you so much for your reply. It’s really helpful ❤️
I have somewhere I could move into tomorrow if I needed and have lots of savings so that’s not a worry. I’m very lucky in that way.

I’m so torn on what to do as a few months ago I was questioning my future.
totally understand and you don't have to rush to make that decision :hugs:i guess the next step is just to have that chat with him and tell him exactly(!) how you found out (it wasn't intentional) and exactly(!) how it makes you feel. no point in trying to be cavalier about this. i mean you need to know the person you're investing your time with; you deserve it :yep:
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Jenni18739
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(Original post by Joleee)
totally understand and you don't have to rush to make that decision :hugs:i guess the next step is just to have that chat with him and tell him exactly(!) how you found out (it wasn't intentional) and exactly(!) how it makes you feel. no point in trying to be cavalier about this. i mean you need to know the person you're investing your time with; you deserve it :yep:
Thank you for this, I just shed a little tear 😥 I really thought we were forever and he wasn’t weird. My heart hurts. I shouldn’t have looked but he’s told me he has a secret folder before but i assumed it might just be a couple of photos of me
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Cbubbles
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Was in a similar situation with my previous boyfriend. We were friends for years before dating and I found pics of other girls and messages etc. But we stayed together and then it happened again...and again

Of course everyone is different but I think the thing you need to bear in mind is that he has not come to you with this feeling bad, you have found it. So the likely hood of him continuing to do it is quite high since he doesn’t think it’s wrong (or doesn’t care) so you have to ask yourself is it something that you can deal with?

With him messaging that girl in that manner as well is probably cause for concern. The hard thing to admit to yourself is this may be happening more but you’ve only caught him once. It’s easy from the outside to say just leave but ask yourself, given everything you know about this relationship if this were your sister or best friend asking, what advice would you give x
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Jenni18739
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(Original post by Cbubbles)
Was in a similar situation with my previous boyfriend. We were friends for years before dating and I found pics of other girls and messages etc. But we stayed together and then it happened again...and again

Of course everyone is different but I think the thing you need to bear in mind is that he has not come to you with this feeling bad, you have found it. So the likely hood of him continuing to do it is quite high since he doesn’t think it’s wrong (or doesn’t care) so you have to ask yourself is it something that you can deal with?

With him messaging that girl in that manner as well is probably cause for concern. The hard thing to admit to yourself is this may be happening more but you’ve only caught him once. It’s easy from the outside to say just leave but ask yourself, given everything you know about this relationship if this were your sister or best friend asking, what advice would you give x
Thank you, if this was my sister or friend I’d tell them to get rid of him and he doesn’t deserve them. The messages were one sided from her side to be fair.. but he didn’t put a stop to it. And I know he’ll have photos of her. It will probably happen again and again too. I just can’t imagine not being with him

I’m glad I know that he has those photos rather than not knowing. But I’m so confused and hurt. Why am I not enough?
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Anonymous #2
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(Original post by Jenni18739)
So I went on my boyfriend’s phone the other day (he knew) and on his opened tabs was his secret folder and I saw porn but the video was deleted.
A few days later, I went on his secret folder (I know I shouldn’t have but our sex life hasn’t been great recently and I just knew something was wrong and I felt like it wasn’t my side)
In his folder, there’s so much porn. Photos from who knows where, as well as videos, some really bad and others not so much. I was a bit annoyed but then I found photos he’d saved from his Facebook of girls cleavage and some in fancy dress. Then I found some of my close friends. I only went back a month and there was so many.. and now I’m intrigued what else he has on there from later
I am disgusted. I haven’t spoke to him yet about it. We’ve been in a relationship for three years now and I really thought I trusted him. I know he wouldn’t cheat but I feel disgusted for my friends too
What do I say to him? Is it worth ending the relationship, is it worth falling out or having space? we live together.

Please give me as much advice as possible as I’m hurting so much but having to pretend everything’s fine.
you dont deserve to feel like that Jenni, open up to him, bring it up in a non defensive way so that he doesnt become hostile with you, be calm about it and im sure youll get an answer. porn is bad on its own so i think it really impacted both ur sex life, mention this too if you want to make him understand this
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Jenni18739
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(Original post by Anonymous)
you dont deserve to feel like that Jenni, open up to him, bring it up in a non defensive way so that he doesnt become hostile with you, be calm about it and im sure youll get an answer. porn is bad on its own so i think it really impacted both ur sex life, mention this too if you want to make him understand this
Thank you. I’ve just woken up and I dread today
I feel in the wrong for looking especially in his secret folder
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Adz2042
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(Original post by Jenni18739)
The sheer amount of porn was a bit worrying to start with, where did he get them all from?! Did he pay for them? I thought people would use sites rather than having hundreds of saved photos.
Then I saw the Facebook photos especially my friends. I’m worried there’s also other photos of girls he’s slept with in the past. I have one in mind that he was once talking to about blow jobs in the bedroom when I was downstairs and I was seeing every message on his watch.
plenty of websites to get that for free.
has he told you how many girlfriends he has had in the past? if no, then don't make assumptions, as that causes arguments that are not needed.
have a sit down chat with him, and talk it over. make-or-break, and get him to destroy his secret folder, if it makes you feel better.
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