Told I am a lovely person but struggling to find a partner.

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RossJT
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Good evening everyone,

*Fairly lengthy post please be understanding*

As the post says I am told by many people I am a likeable guy with a sense of humour but I have struggled with the dating scene for some years now. I’m 24 going 25 in a few months and only had 1 sort of relationship. That past relationship wasn’t healthy nor affectionate hence why I’m single and have been for 3 years.

Just looking for advice really as I have tried match dating before and found of the few people I spoke to I found I was lead along. Tinder never really liked as felt it was more for hook ups rather than relationships. Just feel like a lonely duck in the water. Sometimes it really upsets me that I’m told I am perfect for the right person but yet somehow I’m just not finding her. Side note- I have been led along a lot in my life so I find genuine attraction difficult to gauge.

Also, I am finding pressure from family to find a woman and have children as they want to be grandparents. They often joke to put me on tinder to find a woman but feel that just adds to the insult and pressure. Just feel that I’m not capable of having a relationship. I try to make sure I improve as a person each day but the constant thinking of relationships never seems to go away. A colleague of mine who I did like (We sorted that out professionally) has managed to get a date with someone else. Whilst I am happy for her, I really am, I just find that everyone seems to be able to find someone or has friends who do that for them but me? I’m not after sympathy here just reassurance and advice that I’m not going crazy.

Few things about me:
I work working the rail industry so a full time secure job currently on a stressful work course.
Have my own car and camping kit.
Once covid situation improves I want to get back into martial arts (Brazilian Jujitsu) and my advanced driving course.
Whilst I live with my family I intend to buy a house by the end of next year. So I do have ambitions.

Can anyone offer any support/reassurance please?

Thank you.
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anyas18517
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(Original post by RossJT)
Good evening everyone,

*Fairly lengthy post please be understanding*

As the post says I am told by many people I am a likeable guy with a sense of humour but I have struggled with the dating scene for some years now. I’m 24 going 25 in a few months and only had 1 sort of relationship. That past relationship wasn’t healthy nor affectionate hence why I’m single and have been for 3 years.

Just looking for advice really as I have tried match dating before and found of the few people I spoke to I found I was lead along. Tinder never really liked as felt it was more for hook ups rather than relationships. Just feel like a lonely duck in the water. Sometimes it really upsets me that I’m told I am perfect for the right person but yet somehow I’m just not finding her. Side note- I have been led along a lot in my life so I find genuine attraction difficult to gauge.

Also, I am finding pressure from family to find a woman and have children as they want to be grandparents. They often joke to put me on tinder to find a woman but feel that just adds to the insult and pressure. Just feel that I’m not capable of having a relationship. I try to make sure I improve as a person each day but the constant thinking of relationships never seems to go away. A colleague of mine who I did like (We sorted that out professionally) has managed to get a date with someone else. Whilst I am happy for her, I really am, I just find that everyone seems to be able to find someone or has friends who do that for them but me? I’m not after sympathy here just reassurance and advice that I’m not going crazy.

Few things about me:
I work working the rail industry so a full time secure job currently on a stressful work course.
Have my own car and camping kit.
Once covid situation improves I want to get back into martial arts (Brazilian Jujitsu) and my advanced driving course.
Whilst I live with my family I intend to buy a house by the end of next year. So I do have ambitions.

Can anyone offer any support/reassurance please?

Thank you.
like you said you feel pressured. NOTHING is fun or REAL if pressured.
so what if it takes you a little while to open up to others and to appreciate genuine affecting, when she comes you'll both know and will be able to take steps together to overcome this.
i wouldn't LLOOK, love is always better when it smacks you in the face after walking under a bridge.

take your time and don't push or rush for someone to come along because you might just walk right by them. these things need time sometimes. maybe you meet a girl and you become friends for a few year first maybe you walk past eac other and just know.


best of luck to you, but you cant enjoy things if they are pressured or pushed.
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RossJT
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(Original post by anyas18517)
like you said you feel pressured. NOTHING is fun or REAL if pressured.
so what if it takes you a little while to open up to others and to appreciate genuine affecting, when she comes you'll both know and will be able to take steps together to overcome this.
i wouldn't LLOOK, love is always better when it smacks you in the face after walking under a bridge.

take your time and don't push or rush for someone to come along because you might just walk right by them. these things need time sometimes. maybe you meet a girl and you become friends for a few year first maybe you walk past eac other and just know.


best of luck to you, but you cant enjoy things if they are pressured or pushed.
Hi,
Thank you for your reply and determination to read my long post.
After reading your reply I do realise I am stressing about things that I somewhat can’t control. As you say so what if it takes a little time to open up. If someone really is into you (or me in this case) then they will be patient and get to know you. Just having a bad evening and feeling of isolation and pressure. I’m aiming to improve my overall view point on relationships and just let them happen. Of course I will still do activities I do like for example my marital arts and driving course. Just having a wobble with self confidence this evening.

Thank you.
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anyas18517
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It’s normal to have a down period. Especially because of these covid circumstances. Don’t for get that there are loads and loads of chat rooms and 24hour free online and over the phone doctors to speak to and help when needed.
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Zarek
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I have had long fallow periods and multiple rejections which really got me down. I think on line dating is particularly soul destroying. As things open up I would focus on hobbies where you might meet wholesome and like minded girls and socialising where singles hang out. Get friends to help by introducing you to people. Practice repartee and flirting. Ignore the grandchildren baloney. I do believe luck changes suddenly and when you least expect it.
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RossJT
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Thank you once again for replying.
Thanks for pointing me towards 24 hour chat rooms and other people to speak with. Just this last week has been emotionally difficult and today was when it got a touch too much. I will bear that in mind should it get worse.

(Original post by anyas18517)
It’s normal to have a down period. Especially because of these covid circumstances. Don’t for get that there are loads and loads of chat rooms and 24hour free online and over the phone doctors to speak to and help when needed.
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RossJT
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(Original post by Zarek)
I have had long fallow periods and multiple rejections which really got me down. I think on line dating is particularly soul destroying. As things open up I would focus on hobbies where you might meet wholesome and like minded girls and socialising where singles hang out. Get friends to help by introducing you to people. Practice repartee and flirting. Ignore the grandchildren baloney. I do believe luck changes suddenly and when you least expect it.
Hi Zarek,

I’m am part of a large socialising group the city over from where I live. (I live in a town). So I try and attend when I can and meet new people. That was a big step last year with the lock downs so I’m glad I did that. I also pursue my own hobbies too so that makes me happy when I can go back to doing them.
In terms of friends I don’t really have many. I have one who asked her single friend and was declined. Ok fair enough. The few friends I have on my work course I haven’t asked because they are seeing someone/going on a date so feel like I’m intruding to them asking for their help.
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londonmyst
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Try not to worry or allow the annoying comments of relatives to make you feel pressured.
Focus on staying healthy, improving your financial position, maintaining a positive attitude to life and setting up effective dating dealbreakers.
As long as you have a positive mindset, reasonable personality, good hygiene, active social life, some employment history, work ethic and ambition- over the next few years you will encounter many compatible girls that could be potential dates or gf's.
Good luck!
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Zarek
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(Original post by RossJT)
Hi Zarek,

I’m am part of a large socialising group the city over from where I live. (I live in a town). So I try and attend when I can and meet new people. That was a big step last year with the lock downs so I’m glad I did that. I also pursue my own hobbies too so that makes me happy when I can go back to doing them.
In terms of friends I don’t really have many. I have one who asked her single friend and was declined. Ok fair enough. The few friends I have on my work course I haven’t asked because they are seeing someone/going on a date so feel like I’m intruding to them asking for their help.
You’re doing the right things, keep at it..
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FairyVibes
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(Original post by RossJT)
Good evening everyone,

*Fairly lengthy post please be understanding*

As the post says I am told by many people I am a likeable guy with a sense of humour but I have struggled with the dating scene for some years now. I’m 24 going 25 in a few months and only had 1 sort of relationship. That past relationship wasn’t healthy nor affectionate hence why I’m single and have been for 3 years.

Just looking for advice really as I have tried match dating before and found of the few people I spoke to I found I was lead along. Tinder never really liked as felt it was more for hook ups rather than relationships. Just feel like a lonely duck in the water. Sometimes it really upsets me that I’m told I am perfect for the right person but yet somehow I’m just not finding her. Side note- I have been led along a lot in my life so I find genuine attraction difficult to gauge.

Also, I am finding pressure from family to find a woman and have children as they want to be grandparents. They often joke to put me on tinder to find a woman but feel that just adds to the insult and pressure. Just feel that I’m not capable of having a relationship. I try to make sure I improve as a person each day but the constant thinking of relationships never seems to go away. A colleague of mine who I did like (We sorted that out professionally) has managed to get a date with someone else. Whilst I am happy for her, I really am, I just find that everyone seems to be able to find someone or has friends who do that for them but me? I’m not after sympathy here just reassurance and advice that I’m not going crazy.

Few things about me:
I work working the rail industry so a full time secure job currently on a stressful work course.
Have my own car and camping kit.
Once covid situation improves I want to get back into martial arts (Brazilian Jujitsu) and my advanced driving course.
Whilst I live with my family I intend to buy a house by the end of next year. So I do have ambitions.

Can anyone offer any support/reassurance please?

Thank you.
no panic and no rush as my parents got together in their mid 30s and look, i turned out alright. If you feel that relationships aren't working for you nor dating then I recommend a book called "Models : Attract women thought honesty". Ofc I personally didn't read it but I know my bf read it a few years back and he seems pretty perfect to me . No matter what though in life, just remember your fine as you are and a relationship is only really for having a family and a person close by your side. Its big and important... yes... However, its a long term thing so keep your boundaries clear, maybe the girl has to be within a certain height or have certain interests or personality traits but whatever your boundaries are keep them up no matter what as a man who is honest and straight forward about like hey, just to tell you that joke wasn't cool or I'm not too keen on those shoes or clothes. Being honest is much more attract as I couldn't stand guys who would fake and lie, rather I prefer someone who is real and transparent especially emotional. Once you have got close with a girl you should open up instead of being a rock as that's not a nice feeling to be speaking to a brick wall. Also, advanced driving ?? I love fast cars, sure some girls would like that
Good luck,
Ross
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RossJT
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(Original post by londonmyst)
Try not to worry or allow the annoying comments of relatives to make you feel pressured.
Focus on staying healthy, improving your financial position, maintaining a positive attitude to life and setting up effective dating dealbreakers.
As long as you have a positive mindset, reasonable personality, good hygiene, active social life, some employment history, work ethic and ambition- over the next few years you will encounter many compatible girls that could be potential dates or gf's.
Good luck!
Good morning Londonmyst,

I do try hard not to allow family members comments to get to me, although sometimes it does.
I wouldn’t say I’m the most positive person out there but I’m am finding ways to improve that day by day. I’ve been told my personality is brilliant but that doesn’t seem attractive these days- certainly from my personal lack of dates and relationships. I have a good employment history and I am working towards buying my first house. My social life is hit and miss. I like martial arts and driving so I am taking part in them again when covid restrictions allow.

Thank you for reply though. It is reassuring that people are out there and need a little bit of looking.
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RossJT
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(Original post by FairyVibes)
no panic and no rush as my parents got together in their mid 30s and look, i turned out alright. If you feel that relationships aren't working for you nor dating then I recommend a book called "Models : Attract women thought honesty". Ofc I personally didn't read it but I know my bf read it a few years back and he seems pretty perfect to me . No matter what though in life, just remember your fine as you are and a relationship is only really for having a family and a person close by your side. Its big and important... yes... However, its a long term thing so keep your boundaries clear, maybe the girl has to be within a certain height or have certain interests or personality traits but whatever your boundaries are keep them up no matter what as a man who is honest and straight forward about like hey, just to tell you that joke wasn't cool or I'm not too keen on those shoes or clothes. Being honest is much more attract as I couldn't stand guys who would fake and lie, rather I prefer someone who is real and transparent especially emotional. Once you have got close with a girl you should open up instead of being a rock as that's not a nice feeling to be speaking to a brick wall. Also, advanced driving ?? I love fast cars, sure some girls would like that
Good luck,
Ross
Good morning Fairyvibes,
I’ll bear that book in mind should I want to give it a read. Thank you for telling me about it. I know relationships are long term and of course you need to be ready for the commitment required and not because you just want someone by your side at night. (Would be nice though of course). To be fair, I’m not overly picky just want someone who’s affectionate, trustworthy and understanding. I don’t have defined type to go for just mainly the qualities above. I’d like to say I’m fairly straight with people but that never worked well in the past so I’m trying to figure out a middle ground of being straight but not rude or horrible. It is a work in progress. I do open up to people as I get close to them (Friends at work know more about me) but it’s the fear or not being accepted for who I am.
In terms of advanced driving I’m not bothered about fast cars, just want to be a safer driver when out on the roads. Can’t afford a fast car anyway
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FairyVibes
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(Original post by RossJT)
Good morning Fairyvibes,
I’ll bear that book in mind should I want to give it a read. Thank you for telling me about it. I know relationships are long term and of course you need to be ready for the commitment required and not because you just want someone by your side at night. (Would be nice though of course). To be fair, I’m not overly picky just want someone who’s affectionate, trustworthy and understanding. I don’t have defined type to go for just mainly the qualities above. I’d like to say I’m fairly straight with people but that never worked well in the past so I’m trying to figure out a middle ground of being straight but not rude or horrible. It is a work in progress. I do open up to people as I get close to them (Friends at work know more about me) but it’s the fear or not being accepted for who I am.
In terms of advanced driving I’m not bothered about fast cars, just want to be a safer driver when out on the roads. Can’t afford a fast car anyway
Well, when it comes to safety most cars can survive a crash with faster sport cars and especially super cars have better safety systems for obvious reasons. By survive a crash I mean the internals will probably be fine but gosh the body on new cars will be absolutely crushed due to crumple zones. Its worth it though as people i know crashing in classic minis, one guy went into a pole at about 35mph and the center of the car bent up, including the bonnet; walked away with some fractured bones. Meanwhile a friend recently crashed a new golf GTI at probably around 100mph, getting air time and flying into a buildings second floor and they walked away as if nothing even happened so car safety is good nowadays. Its alright to put your foot down every so often and I personally wouldn't be scared to since the watch your speed limit stuff everywhere is mainly talking about in cities which yes, every mph matters in reducing fatality for people around you. btw, if someone doesn't accept you for you just move on, its so not worth the headache. I'm sure you could afford a fast car, a Volvo is maybe under 2k and can go about 150 160mph with speed limiter removed... :eek:
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RossJT
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(Original post by FairyVibes)
Well, when it comes to safety most cars can survive a crash with faster sport cars and especially super cars have better safety systems for obvious reasons. By survive a crash I mean the internals will probably be fine but gosh the body on new cars will be absolutely crushed due to crumple zones. Its worth it though as people i know crashing in classic minis, one guy went into a pole at about 35mph and the center of the car bent up, including the bonnet; walked away with some fractured bones. Meanwhile a friend recently crashed a new golf GTI at probably around 100mph, getting air time and flying into a buildings second floor and they walked away as if nothing even happened so car safety is good nowadays. Its alright to put your foot down every so often and I personally wouldn't be scared to since the watch your speed limit stuff everywhere is mainly talking about in cities which yes, every mph matters in reducing fatality for people around you. btw, if someone doesn't accept you for you just move on, its so not worth the headache. I'm sure you could afford a fast car, a Volvo is maybe under 2k and can go about 150 160mph with speed limiter removed... :eek:
Hi Fairyvibes,
I know if someone isn’t interested I should move on. It’s just the feeling of not being good enough for someone or that by now someone would have shown me enough interest without leading me on you know?
In terms of cars yes they are very safe now and mine can do 140mph but don’t go over 70 on the Motorway so doesn’t mean anything to me by going faster.
I do appreciate your and everyone else’s comments though. Just had a really bad day and felt I wasn’t good enough so thank you for your support.
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FairyVibes
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(Original post by RossJT)
Hi Fairyvibes,
I know if someone isn’t interested I should move on. It’s just the feeling of not being good enough for someone or that by now someone would have shown me enough interest without leading me on you know?
In terms of cars yes they are very safe now and mine can do 140mph but don’t go over 70 on the Motorway so doesn’t mean anything to me by going faster.
I do appreciate your and everyone else’s comments though. Just had a really bad day and felt I wasn’t good enough so thank you for your support.
If someone doesn't see the value in you then they don't deserve you. Your only as good as you see yourself to be. If you truly believe you are worthless and won't ever become anything than that's what will happen. Harsh truth but if you wanna be happy, want a family, making good money etc then it will happen. Try surrounding yourself with like minded people in both interests, ambition and half full instead of half empty. I'm going to be real with you here which many people disagree but if people around you are just always down and depressed, unless they are long time friends or family just move on since people are temporary, they come and go. I didn't want to wake up to this until I realized how quick people are to forget about you so now I value myself pretty high and don't invest too much time in people who can't reciprocate affection and ambition. Affection to care for each other whenever you need the support and ambition to keep your heads forward towards your end goal
Hope your having a lovely day,
take care,
Fairy
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RossJT
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(Original post by FairyVibes)
If someone doesn't see the value in you then they don't deserve you. Your only as good as you see yourself to be. If you truly believe you are worthless and won't ever become anything than that's what will happen. Harsh truth but if you wanna be happy, want a family, making good money etc then it will happen. Try surrounding yourself with like minded people in both interests, ambition and half full instead of half empty. I'm going to be real with you here which many people disagree but if people around you are just always down and depressed, unless they are long time friends or family just move on since people are temporary, they come and go. I didn't want to wake up to this until I realized how quick people are to forget about you so now I value myself pretty high and don't invest too much time in people who can't reciprocate affection and ambition. Affection to care for each other whenever you need the support and ambition to keep your heads forward towards your end goal
Hope your having a lovely day,
take care,
Fairy
Thank you Fairyvibes.

Whilst harsh it’s true. People are more temporary nowadays and whilst that is sad to see society like this I am moving forward now. Just had the wobble on that day and I do appreciate your understanding but also honesty.
So thank you.
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Anonymous #1
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Being a "lovely person" isn't really overly relevant to finding a partner. Finding a partner is about being sexually and physically attractive.

However, you shouldn't let your family pressurise you. In the grand scheme of things, you are still young and have plenty of time to find someone. Good luck.
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FairyVibes
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Being a "lovely person" isn't really overly relevant to finding a partner. Finding a partner is about being sexually and physically attractive.

However, you shouldn't let your family pressurise you. In the grand scheme of things, you are still young and have plenty of time to find someone. Good luck.
Being sexually and physically attractive is not the be end all of things, doing so can lead to a relationship being based off of and relying on sex which is not smart as you are not remembering that relationships are mainly emotional attachments and commitments in which two people move through life and supportive of each other. Sexual attraction and physical attraction usually comes with emotional attachment, not the other way around. It can do, but your safer bet is the other way around although a relationship defs has to have sexual and physical attraction; It can last without it but its best with
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RossJT
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(Original post by FairyVibes)
Being sexually and physically attractive is not the be end all of things, doing so can lead to a relationship being based off of and relying on sex which is not smart as you are not remembering that relationships are mainly emotional attachments and commitments in which two people move through life and supportive of each other. Sexual attraction and physical attraction usually comes with emotional attachment, not the other way around. It can do, but your safer bet is the other way around although a relationship defs has to have sexual and physical attraction; It can last without it but its best with
Hi Fairyvibes,

I get the concept in which you explained above it’s just the feeling of having not been good enough for anyone yet. I continue to be socially active and meet with friends as and when I can and maybe one day that’s how something starts.
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