Are age gaps bad?

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Anonymous #1
#1
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I'm 18 and I've been seeing a guy who's 42. I know it's a big gap. I know you're probably gonna jump to the assumption that he's a pedo. He's honestly one of the sweetest and kindest guys I know, though, and tbh I don't really care that much. I mean I have plenty of daddy issues and his age definitely is attractive to me because of that. So why is it wrong for him to wanna date me because of my wage but my wanting to date him isn't weird. And he's totally not an actual pedophile. No way he'd ever want to **** a kid. We just get on really well and he finds young (but post pubescent) girls attractive. I don't see how that's any worse than what I'm doing. We're both adults. I think he's hot af so why would it be wrong if he thinks I am?
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thedigitalnerd
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I mean, if i ever had a daughter in the future, i typically would not like to have a man my age be her boyfriend... but you seem like a consenting adult already and you know what you're doing. but be extremely skeptical, just because he's 'hot' and 'kind' doesn't completely exclude him from the pedophile spectrum... just saying~
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IlikeDonerKebab
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A ripe watermelon huh
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DevilishBoy
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He sounds like a nice dude. I’m happy for you 😊

But yeah women his age are totally going to be judging him. Guys too
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gtty123
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I mean, I wouldn't ever date someone with an age gap like that. Way too big.
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chlamydia9000
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I can't see it working out long term. You might want kids, he might want to hang up his ball sack and sit in the pub reading a newspaper all day. Morally though there's nothing wrong with it. Unless he's attracted to small, flat chested girls in school uniform he isn't even close to being a paedo.

Soon enough the age of consent will be 27 and an age gap of over five years will automatically qualify you for the Chris Hansen wagon. That's the way this silliness is going.
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Gavin2016
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Legally it's fine as the age of consent is 16 plus in the UK, so long as he's not in a position of influence over you such as a teacher, etc.

I personally don't there is any problem with it morally or ethically. If you both are happy in life with it that way why not. What other people think doesn't matter, it's your life you've got to live not live your life by their values. There can be many people around with outdated views such as above of guys in their forties not wanting kids and be somewhat retiring. For the majority of guys in their forties that's not the case at all.

To be honest as a guy around the same age as the guy you mention women around my age don't really do it for me. I wouldn't necessarily go looking for an 18 year old as there can be generational differences but if the right girl came along then those generational differences may not matter they might even add to interest. I think certainly from the perspective of an older guy being with a girl who has a lot of energy could be quite thrilling.
Last edited by Gavin2016; 2 weeks ago
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Crazy Jamie
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The reason why people will likely judge him and not you is because it is more difficult to see why a man his age would want to be in a relationship with a girl your age than the reverse. It's not difficult to see why you would be attracted to him, because there can be a lot of aspects of a man that age that can be attractive to younger girls, usually a mix of his age, experience, maturity and money. The latter point is not to say that he'll be a multi millionaire, but even broadly average earnings for a man that age is likely to look like a lot of money to an 18 year old. And that's not to say that you're materialistic either or only with him for his money. The point is that a combination of all of those things can lead to that attraction. Some younger girls will be more susceptible to that sort of thing than others (attraction is always subjective), but equally you seem to have the self awareness to realise that you are the sort of girl who would have that attraction. So it's not difficult to explain the attraction you have; you can in large part already explain it yourself. And few people would judge you for it.

The thing that people have more difficulty rationalising is why a man his age would decide to be in a relationship with a girl your age. You mention attraction, but being attracted to someone and wanting to be in a relationship with them are two different things. I am quite a bit older than you and younger than him, and whilst I can acknowledge that girls your age are attractive, I cannot imagine myself choosing to be in a relationship with an 18 year old. I think a lot of older guys (and women) would take the same view, and whilst I understand the point Gavin2016 is making I don't think it's largely a generational gap issue. It's more your respective progress in life and the position you'll be in. At the age of 18 you have very little life experience and still have some way to go before you even know who you are. Experiences that you will gain in the next 7 years or so, including university, travelling, starting a career and so on, will dramatically shape who you are and could potentially set you on a number of different paths in terms of where your life goes from there. Whilst you will eventually likely want to start a family, you're unlikely to either want to do that now or be ready for it. Equally whilst you will likely have plenty of friends now, your friendship groups and support networks will change and evolve significantly over the next ten years or so, as will your interests. The period you're entering now is an exciting but volatile one. A lot will change in your life, and that should as exciting as it is daunting.

By contrast, at my age I have been through that, and a 42 year old certainly has. I'm in an established career, and have established relationships with people around me. Whilst I can always gain new experiences and interests, I very much know who I am and am settled in my life in general. Not all 42 year olds will be in settled careers, but they will all benefit from a vast amount of life experience and will broadly know who they are and what they want. That in turn makes it difficult to understand why they would seek a relationship with someone who is in a vastly different position in terms of life and maturity than them. In many ways it's not the age gap but the life gap that makes the difference. And because people cannot understand his rationale here, the conclusion becomes that the reason comes down to him exerting power and influence over you, something that men his age can do very easily with girls your age.

Now, does that mean that that all holds true here? No. I am sure there are relationships between two people around your respective ages that have been happy, healthy and have lasted. You may well be in one of those. The situation is broadly unusual though, and I would suggest is more likely to fail than it is to succeed. I realise you could say that about any relationship statistically, but relationships like this even more so for the reasons I've stated above. The reasons I've stated above are also the reasons, to your question, why people will judge him and not you. Whether that judgment is warranted in this case is something that I cannot know because I don't know you are him, but it is nevertheless the answer you're looking for.
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Anonymous #2
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WHAT IN THE WORLD OMDS AHAHH its like having sex with ya parents lol frfr if you see a 42 year old maynn maybe it could be your sugar daddy not your boyfriend maybe ? lol
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bones-mccoy
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I wouldn't advise it but as long as you're aware that things very probably won't last long-term then there's not much more anyone can say
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katherineraynor
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go on get it gurll i think the age gap is fun. invite me round! iykyk
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George of Lydda
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A bit weird ngl, but so long as both parties are over the age of eighteen, and have a connection, I do not see anything wrong with it.
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chloetuvey95
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From my experience as someone who has been with a man who was only 7 years older than me, I would highly advise against it. I'm not trying to generalise, but older men tend to be extremely manipulative towards younger females. Also, just because you're LEGALLY an adult, I still don't see you as any less of a child than compared to someone who is 16 or 15. Bottom line is, it's kind of creepy and borderline pedophilic that a 42-year-old man is with an 18-year-old. Please just take that as a caveat.
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chloetuvey95
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(Original post by chloetuvey95)
From my experience as someone who has been with a man who was only 7 years older than me, I would highly advise against it. I'm not trying to generalise, but older men tend to be extremely manipulative towards younger females. Also, just because you're LEGALLY an adult, I still don't see you as any less of a child than compared to someone who is 16 or 15. Bottom line is, it's kind of creepy and borderline pedophilic that a 42-year-old man is with an 18-year-old. Please just take that as a caveat.
But, again through experience... I do know that it's easier said than done. My ultimate advice for you is legally you are an adult so you have the freedom to do as you please, but please hold on to your wits and never let your guard down. That's all I'll say.
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sinfonietta
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Were you just looking to vent? You don't really need to defend yourself before anyone has even attacked you.

You're old enough to make your decisions. It doesn't matter what we think.
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ShybutHi
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Do what you want, you are old enough to make your own decisions, everything is legal and it is your mind and your body.

Just know that the relationship is incredibly likely not going to last. Be a bit wary because the further away your age, the less likely the intentions are for something serious or real.

He may just want you physically because he likes much younger women... even though he comes across as kind and nice, he may just be a bit manipulative to get what he wants, which is sex with a young woman. Some guys would go to great lengths for that.

If you are ok with all that though then all I have to say I guess is have fun together while it lasts.
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