I'm 17... He's 24

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star_symbol
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Hey there, so I need some truthful input on this situation and I think asking here is good place because people here are always brutally honest lol

I met a guy online during February and we got on really well. We spoke all day and night about various topics and gradually we got to know each other. He's 24 however, studying at University while I'm in Year 12 at sixth form. We met online in a "depressed" chatroom.

When we started talking, I was feeling a bit emotionally sad and he said he was depressed. He told me about his addiction with online adult sites and spending lots of money. I told him about my eating issues and said maybe we could help each other.

Obviously we started to get on really well, and slowly we liked each other more than friends. He didn't live too far from me, only 40 minutes away. So we planned to meet up. (We were going to meet tomorrow the day I'm writing this)

But things started to change. His behaviour mainly. Our conversations slowly began to grow sexual all the time. And I knew he had a problem with spending money online so I wanted to be there for him to help him.

We started to sext but I noticed that was a primary topic for him. The niceness started to go and it became all about sex. I told a few of my close best friends about it (NOT my parents lol they don't know anything about this) and they told me it's weird for a 24 year old to like a 17 year old.

But then.. One day we were doing a roleplay, it was a breeding fantasy which is fine, but he just changed. The roleplay became very VERY violent to the point where he fantasized about killing me? I was horrified and said that I needed time to think about it and I was ready to block him right there and then. I thought that maybe I'm just too young to understand this kinda stuff and blamed myself for not liking it.

But he apologized and he seemed so nice, he started to explain how he knew it was messed up and he had mental health problems. Of course everyone has fantasies but... This is a red flag... Right?

Anyway, after this I STILL agreed to meet him. He offered me his bank account too which I KNOW writing this sounds so bad but honestly its not as bad as it sounds!

I called my friend explained the situation and he explained that I've been groomed online. And I guess it fits the criteria because I'm young and emotionally vulnerable but I really like this guy (NOT his weird fetishes) but I feel like he's so kind to me and he listens to me when nobody else does. I don't like any other guys my age and he gives me lots of attention and helps me when I feel depressed (I dont like saying that word because I'm not "depressed" im just very emotional).

My friends think he's a creep and yesterday I blocked him off everything without saying a word. I feel so awful as if I've betrayed him or hurt him. I got on with him SO WELL but Im just worried that he would hurt me in real life

Is he trying to gain my trust? Make me feel loved just to exploit me? Idk
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Hyperadder04
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You made the right decision. This might be hard to hear, but he is definitely trying to exploit you. No 24 year old would pursue a relationship with a 17 year old for any other reason. Make sure he doesn't know any of your personal details and try to remove any connections you still have with him.
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rola05
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(Original post by star_symbol)
Hey there, so I need some truthful input on this situation and I think asking here is good place because people here are always brutally honest lol

I met a guy online during February and we got on really well. We spoke all day and night about various topics and gradually we got to know each other. He's 24 however, studying at University while I'm in Year 12 at sixth form. We met online in a "depressed" chatroom.

When we started talking, I was feeling a bit emotionally sad and he said he was depressed. He told me about his addiction with online adult sites and spending lots of money. I told him about my eating issues and said maybe we could help each other.

Obviously we started to get on really well, and slowly we liked each other more than friends. He didn't live too far from me, only 40 minutes away. So we planned to meet up. (We were going to meet tomorrow the day I'm writing this)

But things started to change. His behaviour mainly. Our conversations slowly began to grow sexual all the time. And I knew he had a problem with spending money online so I wanted to be there for him to help him.

We started to sext but I noticed that was a primary topic for him. The niceness started to go and it became all about sex. I told a few of my close best friends about it (NOT my parents lol they don't know anything about this) and they told me it's weird for a 24 year old to like a 17 year old.

But then.. One day we were doing a roleplay, it was a breeding fantasy which is fine, but he just changed. The roleplay became very VERY violent to the point where he fantasized about killing me? I was horrified and said that I needed time to think about it and I was ready to block him right there and then. I thought that maybe I'm just too young to understand this kinda stuff and blamed myself for not liking it.

But he apologized and he seemed so nice, he started to explain how he knew it was messed up and he had mental health problems. Of course everyone has fantasies but... This is a red flag... Right?

Anyway, after this I STILL agreed to meet him. He offered me his bank account too which I KNOW writing this sounds so bad but honestly its not as bad as it sounds!

I called my friend explained the situation and he explained that I've been groomed online. And I guess it fits the criteria because I'm young and emotionally vulnerable but I really like this guy (NOT his weird fetishes) but I feel like he's so kind to me and he listens to me when nobody else does. I don't like any other guys my age and he gives me lots of attention and helps me when I feel depressed (I dont like saying that word because I'm not "depressed" im just very emotional).

My friends think he's a creep and yesterday I blocked him off everything without saying a word. I feel so awful as if I've betrayed him or hurt him. I got on with him SO WELL but Im just worried that he would hurt me in real life

Is he trying to gain my trust? Make me feel loved just to exploit me? Idk
It is not normal for an adult to like a child.If it helps I'm the same age as you and I think you are being groomed.ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU TALKED ABOUT ROLEPLAYING, that is such a red flag do not go out and meet him,for your own safety please.did you share any personal info?
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star_symbol
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(Original post by rola05)
It is not normal for an adult to like a child.If it helps I'm the same age as you and I think you are being groomed.ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU TALKED ABOUT ROLEPLAYING, that is such a red flag do not go out and meet him,for your own safety please.did you share any personal info?
He knows my full name and the names of my siblings. I never told him what sixth form I went to or where I lived. I was going to meet him tomo but he's blocked off everything now... And yeah I know the roleplay is wrong, but I was okay with it. It just started to change because he got very comfy with telling me his other fantasies which he said he hadn't told anyone before. But apart from that, I knew something wasn't right.
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anosmianAcrimony
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It’s difficult and borderline but I think it’s very likely he was aiming to exploit you and you made the right decision cutting him off. It sounds like what you had together was very much about sex as far as he was concerned.

You’re not just ’’too young’’ to understand roleplay and you should never blame yourself like that or go along with something for that kind of reason - if you’re not comfortable with something, that is all that matters!

It’s best not to consider whether he was nice or listened to you in this kind of situation. Those are the absolute basics you should expect from anyone; he doesn’t get points for that. People are very capable of acting nice in order to extract sex from you.

Likewise, wanting to help him deal with his addiction/finances reflects really well on you, but you’re not really in a place in your life where you can reasonably do that, or be expected to do that. He should go and find a therapist for that and it should play no part in your deciding whether to be with him or not. Being in a relationship with someone with the pretext of trying to help them, or out of pity, is not healthy for anyone involved.
Last edited by anosmianAcrimony; 2 weeks ago
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TheStupidMoon
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(Original post by rola05)
It is not normal for an adult to like a child.If it helps I'm the same age as you and I think you are being groomed.
17 is a young adult it's the other actions that are strange.
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Anonymous #1
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yup stay as far away as possible from him
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star_symbol
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(Original post by anosmianAcrimony)
It’s difficult and borderline but I think it’s very likely he was aiming to exploit you and you made the right decision cutting him off. It sounds like what you had together was very much about sex as far as he was concerned.

You’re not just ’’too young’’ to understand roleplay and you should never blame yourself like that or go along with something for that kind of reason - if you’re not comfortable with something, that is all that matters!

It’s best not to consider whether he was nice or listened to you in this kind of situation. Those are the absolute basics you should expect from anyone; he doesn’t get points for that. People are very capable of acting nice in order to extract sex from you.

Likewise, wanting to help him deal with his addiction/finances reflects really well on you, but you’re not really in a place in your life where you can reasonably do that, or be expected to do that. He should go and find a therapist for that and it should play no part in your deciding whether to be with him or not. Being in a relationship with someone with the pretext of trying to help them, or out of pity, is not healthy for anyone involved.
Yes!! At first it was so good and then it just slowly became about sex. I went along with the roleplay because he was "In the moment" but after he thanked me for allowing him to do it, and asked how I truly felt. I said I was terrified. He defended himself by saying "Well if you don't like it then I'm not going to change that. But I understand you don't like it, so we won't talk about it again. I know you're too young." But after he told me his fetish about killing girls while having sex with them, I was afraid that he might try that in real life. And yes he was soo nice to me, I'm very lonely in real life so I cling to any company I can get. So I leeched onto him with everything I had lol. And he did say it wasn't my job to help him with his problems but I really did care about him. He tried therapy before but he didn't like it.
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rola05
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(Original post by star_symbol)
He knows my full name and the names of my siblings. I never told him what sixth form I went to or where I lived. I was going to meet him tomo but he's blocked off everything now... And yeah I know the roleplay is wrong, but I was okay with it. It just started to change because he got very comfy with telling me his other fantasies which he said he hadn't told anyone before. But apart from that, I knew something wasn't right.
I hope your okay,if you need anything ask someone you trust.
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(Original post by TheStupidMoon)
17 is a young adult it's the other actions that are strange.
17 is a child
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anosmianAcrimony
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(Original post by star_symbol)
Yes!! At first it was so good and then it just slowly became about sex. I went along with the roleplay because he was "In the moment" but after he thanked me for allowing him to do it, and asked how I truly felt. I said I was terrified. He defended himself by saying "Well if you don't like it then I'm not going to change that. But I understand you don't like it, so we won't talk about it again. I know you're too young." But after he told me his fetish about killing girls while having sex with them, I was afraid that he might try that in real life. And yes he was soo nice to me, I'm very lonely in real life so I cling to any company I can get. So I leeched onto him with everything I had lol. And he did say it wasn't my job to help him with his problems but I really did care about him. He tried therapy before but he didn't like it.
Wowww he sounds very strange and possibly dangerous. ’’Well if you don’t like it then I’m not going to change that, let’s just not talk about it anymore’’ YUCK. Thank goodness you never met in real life.
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star_symbol
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(Original post by rola05)
I hope your okay,if you need anything ask someone you trust.
I'm alright, I just miss him terribly and I feel so awful for cutting contact without an explanation, he was so lovely. I don't have anyone to talk to about this that I truly trust. My parents would just scream and freak out. A teacher would probs report it to the police and I can't be bothered for that, so I have nobody now apart from the people on here to convince me that I've made the right choice I feel so awful for cutting contact. I think he was serious about a relationship and so was I
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rola05
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(Original post by star_symbol)
I'm alright, I just miss him terribly and I feel so awful for cutting contact without an explanation, he was so lovely. I don't have anyone to talk to about this that I truly trust. My parents would just scream and freak out. A teacher would probs report it to the police and I can't be bothered for that, so I have nobody now apart from the people on here to convince me that I've made the right choice I feel so awful for cutting contact. I think he was serious about a relationship and so was I
Don't feel terrible,their are many people online that groom people and have weird fantasies that is not your fault,AND DONT EVER BLAME YOURSELF.Think about it there are almost 8 Billion people on this planet one day you will find someone that loves you and you will have a relationship.Dont worry later on you will look back and think you did the right choice.
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star_symbol
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(Original post by anosmianAcrimony)
Wowww he sounds very strange and possibly dangerous. ’’Well if you don’t like it then I’m not going to change that, let’s just not talk about it anymore’’ YUCK. Thank goodness you never met in real life.
Yes I know! And one time I told him that I had to change my baby sisters nappy and he said "its amazing how that thing can **** but can even wipe its own ass" or something like that and i was like wtfff
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NonIndigenous
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Putting the technicalities of the "legal age" aside... none of this sounds right. Even if you were 18 and he was 19. Or any other age.

Don't rely on other people alleviate your mental health issues. It's dangerous. Even if they're good people and don't mean to let you down, they will, because no one's perfect. And what then? You go into a meltdown, and throw 5 years of history out of the window?

Generally it's poor form to share super sensitive shyt like this until you know each other for at least a few months already. You don't need a cry-buddy. You need a therapist. He isn't qualified to help solve your issues, and you aren't qualified to solve his.
Last edited by NonIndigenous; 2 weeks ago
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NonIndigenous
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You might be surprised, how easy it is to 'groom' young people, especially over the internet, with just a cursory knowledge of psychology and limited life experience to go on.

1. You find out what their vulnerabilities and insecurities are. What their problems are.
2. You act like you care, to build trust. But it doesn't mean you care.
3. You share your own vulnerabilities, sometimes even make them up, just to make the other person feel sorry for you. Those may be fake, or they may be true. If they're true, even that doesn't necessarily mean that you feel particularly bad about those experiences / vulnerabilities.
4. You then build on that, so that your interactions take up most of their free time, maybe to the point of them uprooting and discarding other friendships and familial relationships. (this is called co-dependence). That way, they can't seek help if they start doubting your intentions.
5. Once you have them all to yourself, then you make it all about you instead of them. This is where it goes toxic.
6. Threaten them if they 'pull away', or deliberately say things that make them feel guilty for not doing what you 'expect' them to. Revenge porn enters the scene here, if they have any.

I'm not 'betraying' anything here by sharing this, or giving tips to aspiring psychos. People who do these things, already know what they do and how they do it... but other people are usually far less aware of this and fall for these traps too easily because of it.
Last edited by NonIndigenous; 2 weeks ago
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star_symbol
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(Original post by NonIndigenous)
You might be surprised, how easy it is to 'groom' young people, especially over the internet, with just a cursory knowledge of psychology and limited life experience to go on.

1. You find out what their vulnerabilities and insecurities are. What their problems are.
2. You act like you care, to build trust. But it doesn't mean you care.
3. You share your own vulnerabilities, sometimes even make them up, just to make the other person feel sorry for you. Those may be fake, or they may be true. If they're true, even that doesn't necessarily mean that you feel particularly bad about those experiences / vulnerabilities.
4. You then build on that, so that your interactions take up most of their free time, maybe to the point of them uprooting and discarding other friendships and familial relationships. (this is called co-dependence). That way, they can't seek help if they start doubting your intentions.
5. Once you have them all to yourself, then you make it all about you instead of them. This is where it goes toxic.
6. Threaten them if they 'pull away', or deliberately say things that make them feel guilty for not doing what you 'expect' them to. Revenge porn enters the scene here, if they have any.

I'm not 'betraying' anything here by sharing this, or giving tips to aspiring psychos. People who do these things, already know what they do and how they do it... but other people are usually far less aware of this and fall for these traps too easily because of it.
Thank you, I appreciate the help. I say this is true to an extent, I was dependent on him for everything. I messaged him first thing in the morning and at night. I didn't even say anything before I blocked him, I just did it. I was worried that he would threaten me if I talked about leaving him. So the fact that I thought that just shows that maybe I was being groomed. But then again, what if he really did love me? And now Ive messed it all up, we had nobody but each other. I feel like unblocking him and apologising for everything
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Adz2042
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didn't you at least video chat with him, or hear his voice on the phone?

sorry you went through that.

the things i don't get:
you did say it was a roleplay, then when it got too much, you backed out. roleplay's are not real, they are scenarios.
guessing you developed feelings for him, but did you try and revert the convo back to generic chat, and not sex-driven?
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Foxehh
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(Original post by star_symbol)
Thank you, I appreciate the help. I say this is true to an extent, I was dependent on him for everything. I messaged him first thing in the morning and at night. I didn't even say anything before I blocked him, I just did it. I was worried that he would threaten me if I talked about leaving him. So the fact that I thought that just shows that maybe I was being groomed. But then again, what if he really did love me? And now Ive messed it all up, we had nobody but each other. I feel like unblocking him and apologising for everything
You just agreed in post 14 that he was gross and dangerous. You have nothing to apologize for. You should be proud of yourself for getting out of the situation, and you should continue to keep yourself out of it.
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star_symbol
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(Original post by Adz2042)
didn't you at least video chat with him, or hear his voice on the phone?

sorry you went through that.

the things i don't get:
you did say it was a roleplay, then when it got too much, you backed out. roleplay's are not real, they are scenarios.
guessing you developed feelings for him, but did you try and revert the convo back to generic chat, and not sex-driven?
Yeah we watched films together and talked on the phone. And I know they are scenarios but being killed? I just got scared in case he would try it in real life. I did develop feelings for him. Im tempted to unblock him and apologize for over reacting. I did try to revert it to normal he got bored of it and was more interested and interactive when it was sexual. And then after he was done, he wouldn't really speak to me whereas I was all loved up lol
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