Generic principles of men attracting women

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Anonymous #1
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I’ve looked at a number of articles, books and videos by dating coaches and psychologists. Admittedly, there’s a lot of rubbish out there and much of it is waffle or trying to sell their products. But most do seem to hit on common themes in men attracting women. To summarise they seem to be as below.

- Having potential for an initial basic attraction (this seems to either just be there or not)
- Being confident and sure about yourself
- Making her feel safe and comfortable
- Making her feel wanted
- having a slight air of mystery
- Escalating at the right pace (not too fast, not too slow).

Of course I’m sure it’s not guaranteed but it seems the above is a common theme to what all these dating coaches and psychologists say. Would you agree?
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anosmianAcrimony
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I would say that the whole mindset of making a goal of ’’attracting women’’ is misguided. It puts the cart before the horse in a lot of ways. Instead of trying to generically ’’attract women’’, find people whose company you enjoy and just spend time with them, and aim to get to know them better without the goal or expectation of romance. Be patient: growing to understand people more deeply, and feeling understood by them, is one of life’s great joys. It fills a very deep and often poorly understood need that practically everyone has. I would almost say it is the point of life, if there is a point to life.

If you enter into human interaction genuinely wanting the best for others and not trying to extract romance from them, you will find life more rewarding and you will have better outcomes. Even if those outcomes don’t include you having a romantic partner, because you chose to spend time with people whose company you enjoy, you will have enjoyed your time and your time will not have been wasted.

Whatever goals you choose, focusing on ’’attracting women’’ is not even the best way to attract women. Most people are fairly clever and fairly good at sensing your motives. If it seems like your goal is to generically have a woman in your life to do romance with, that’s a bit impersonal and objectifying, really. If you’re interested in them for them, that’s much more appealing.
Last edited by anosmianAcrimony; 1 month ago
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by anosmianAcrimony)
I would say that the whole mindset of making a goal of ’’attracting women’’ is misguided. It puts the cart before the horse in a lot of ways. Instead of trying to generically ’’attract women’’, find people whose company you enjoy and just spend time with them, and aim to get to know them better without the goal or expectation of romance. Be patient: growing to understand people more deeply, and feeling understood by them, is one of life’s great joys. It fills a very deep and often poorly understood need that practically everyone has. I would almost say it is the point of life, if there is a point to life.

If you enter into human interaction genuinely wanting the best for others and not trying to extract romance from them, you will find life more rewarding and you will have better outcomes. Even if those outcomes don’t include you having a romantic partner, because you chose to spend time with people whose company you enjoy, you will have enjoyed your time and your time will not have been wasted.

Whatever goals you choose, focusing on ’’attracting women’’ is not the best way to attract women. Most people are fairly clever and fairly good at sensing your motives. If it seems like your goal is to generically have a woman in your life to do romance with, that’s a bit impersonal and objectifying, really. If you’re interested in them for them, that’s much more appealing.
Yes I agree with this. But I also agree with what I said. It’s not so much making it a goal to get romance out of women. It’s behaving in a way that’s attractive. I’ve always thought that being yourself is bad advice. The better advice is be a version of yourself that makes you happiest. Whether you like it or not, it’s completely natural and human nature to want to seek out love. And I don’t think there’s any shame in admitting it.
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Lukeey!
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Bro straight men are so weird lol
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anosmianAcrimony
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(Original post by Lukeey!)
Bro straight men are so weird lol
ikr
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Dunnig Kruger
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I’ve looked at a number of articles, books and videos by dating coaches and psychologists. Admittedly, there’s a lot of rubbish out there and much of it is waffle or trying to sell their products. But most do seem to hit on common themes in men attracting women. To summarise they seem to be as below.

- Having potential for an initial basic attraction (this seems to either just be there or not)
- Being confident and sure about yourself
- Making her feel safe and comfortable
- Making her feel wanted
- having a slight air of mystery
- Escalating at the right pace (not too fast, not too slow).

Of course I’m sure it’s not guaranteed but it seems the above is a common theme to what all these dating coaches and psychologists say. Would you agree?
I agree. There are a few other things you could chuck into that list.

Such as making her laugh.

When it comes down to it, it's all just good marketing and sales in the field of man to woman social interaction.

Now that you know the basics of the theory, put it into practise. Knowledge is half the equation. Skill and experience are the other half.

It's time for you to focus less on reading and watching and more on doing.
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OctoberRain7
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Yes I agree with this. But I also agree with what I said. It’s not so much making it a goal to get romance out of women. It’s behaving in a way that’s attractive. I’ve always thought that being yourself is bad advice. The better advice is be a version of yourself that makes you happiest. Whether you like it or not, it’s completely natural and human nature to want to seek out love. And I don’t think there’s any shame in admitting it.
Being "a version of yourself that makes you happiest" is being yourself though. It's about doing things that you want and not focusing too much on attracting or impressing people, because it's usually counterproductive. Some of your advice is good - in a relationship both partners should feel safe, comfortable and wanted. Other bits not so much - it's hard to get to know someone who's "mysterious" and trying to be mysterious usually just comes across as being odd or cagey. Being confident can be an attractive trait but there's no point in trying to be something that you're not and many people are more into introverts. And you should worry less about going too fast or too slow than going at a pace both people are comfortable with.
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anosmianAcrimony
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(Original post by OctoberRain7)
Being "a version of yourself that makes you happiest" is being yourself though. It's about doing things that you want and not focusing too much on attracting or impressing people, because it's usually counterproductive. Some of your advice is good - in a relationship both partners should feel safe, comfortable and wanted. Other bits not so much - it's hard to get to know someone who's "mysterious" and trying to be mysterious usually just comes across as being odd or cagey. Being confident can be an attractive trait but there's no point in trying to be something that you're not and many people are more into introverts. And you should worry less about going too fast or too slow than going at a pace both people are comfortable with.
^ PRSOM
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by OctoberRain7)
Being "a version of yourself that makes you happiest" is being yourself though. It's about doing things that you want and not focusing too much on attracting or impressing people, because it's usually counterproductive. Some of your advice is good - in a relationship both partners should feel safe, comfortable and wanted. Other bits not so much - it's hard to get to know someone who's "mysterious" and trying to be mysterious usually just comes across as being odd or cagey. Being confident can be an attractive trait but there's no point in trying to be something that you're not and many people are more into introverts. And you should worry less about going too fast or too slow than going at a pace both people are comfortable with.
I do think it requires some effort though. There are plenty of men (and women) who become pensioners having never even kissed someone of the opposite gender or been on a date and not by choice either.
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OctoberRain7
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I do think it requires some effort though. There are plenty of men (and women) who become pensioners having never even kissed someone of the opposite gender or been on a date and not by choice either.
Sometimes you get unlucky or just haven't met enough people to find someone you really vibe with. Personally I'd rather be single than with someone who didn't like me for me.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by OctoberRain7)
Sometimes you get unlucky or just haven't met enough people to find someone you really vibe with. Personally I'd rather be single than with someone who didn't like me for me.
I don’t think it’s purely luck. Some of it is luck. Otherwise why are there some people who get date after date, partner after partner and others who don’t get 1 date. And it’s not necessarily related to how many people they meet either.
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OctoberRain7
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I don’t think it’s purely luck. Some of it is luck. Otherwise why are there some people who get date after date, partner after partner and others who don’t get 1 date. And it’s not necessarily related to how many people they meet either.
Some people happen to have more conventionally attractive personalities or looks or pretend to be someone they're not to get more dates.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by OctoberRain7)
Some people happen to have more conventionally attractive personalities or looks or pretend to be someone they're not to get more dates.
Yes looks and natural personality. To an extent, those 2 things can be improved to increase chances of someone liking you. My belief is that a partner doesn’t just fall out of the sky.
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HoldThisL
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(Original post by OctoberRain7)
Being "a version of yourself that makes you happiest" is being yourself though. It's about doing things that you want and not focusing too much on attracting or impressing people
actually seeking esteem from other people is exactly what makes some people happy, even if it leads to counterproductive behaviour - its a well documented aspect of a lot of peoples' behaviour - and that's why its called esteem rather than self esteem
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Anonymous #1
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I think people are also generally happier being in a relationship. I know a lot of people moan about them but I think I’m the long term, humans aren’t meant to be alone.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by anosmianAcrimony)
ikr
Lol how?
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Anonymous #1
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Also I don’t think what PUAs and dating coaches teach can all be rubbish. I think women do have a natural tendency to be attracted to men who are confident, assertive, not needy/too nice, not a people pleaser and not afraid to challenge others. And to guys who don’t chase them. And nice needy guys who play it too safe do get friend zoned or rejected.
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anosmianAcrimony
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Lol how?
Y’all are so fixated on AtTrAcTiNg WiMmiN. So much time and mental effort and posturing and strategy goes into it! And so much pride and ego seems tied on it... There’s so much more to life. In the end, women are just people. You can talk to them like anybody else and they’re clever enough to figure out if you’re putting on a persona that isn’t really you. If two people are right for each other and spend time together, then romance will happen. All that the posturing and strategy and everything will do is get in the way of them figuring out if they’re truly right for each other.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by anosmianAcrimony)
Y’all are so fixated on AtTrAcTiNg WiMmiN. So much time and mental effort and posturing and strategy goes into it! And so much pride and ego seems tied on it... There’s so much more to life. In the end, women are just people. You can talk to them like anybody else and they’re clever enough to figure out if you’re putting on a persona that isn’t really you. If two people are right for each other and spend time together, then romance will happen. All that the posturing and strategy and everything will do is get in the way of them figuring out if they’re truly right for each other.
It’s not necessarily going out of the way to strategise on attracting women. It’s just self improvement. I don’t believe that doing nothing gets 2 people together. I know hundreds of men who have done nothing and that they’ve got nowhere. It is natural for a man to want to seek a woman, it is called nature.
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OctoberRain7
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(Original post by Anonymous)
It’s not necessarily going out of the way to strategise on attracting women. It’s just self improvement. I don’t believe that doing nothing gets 2 people together. I know hundreds of men who have done nothing and that they’ve got nowhere. It is natural for a man to want to seek a woman, it is called nature.
Most of the people I know that are in serious long-term relationships met their partner through being in each other's social circles and becoming attracted to them, but before that their partner knew the real them. "Self-improvement" that means changing yourself in order to attract someone can get you a date sure, but it's not as likely to work out in the long run. Wanting to find a partner and experience love is natural for most of us, but focusing on "seeking out" people is generally the wrong way to go about it (as frustrating as it is most of this is down to luck and trying too hard can actually make you seem less attractive).
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