Clingy new boyfriend

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Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 2 months ago
#1
So I had been speaking to a guy for a while he was so nice, seemed like he knew how to give me space but also treat me well. Thought it was great. I explained my mental health isnt great and sometimes i like to sit and listen to music myself.

We met and it all went downhill from there. He needs constant affection. If I don't reply straight away he will count the minutes since my last reply. If I am commenting on facebook he will say things like "so you can comment on facebook but not reply to me" this is like 30 seconds after he has sent a message and i was already typing on fb. When we are together if I am watching tv he will sit with tears in his eyes with a pouty lip cause I am not giving him all my attention. If I am lying down he will kneel on the floor and hug my legs. He quotes old messages I've sent to him such as if I am asking him to give me an hour to do something he will quote me saying "i am never really busy" or something along those lines but it will be a message from weeks ago. Facebook says I'm online sometimes when I'm not and he will send 7 or 8 messages asking if i am awake then when I do become active 30 seconds later I have a message like "Yay you're awake and can talk to me". i feel very backed into a corner and its honestly like the way a year 9 girl would be with her first boyfriend. Because of this I genuinely get so agitated by every little thing he does or says.

The only thing that makes it slightly better is he lives in London, I live in Manchester.
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NonIndigenous
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#2
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How old are you and him.

This is worse than just being clingy. It's annoying.
Last edited by NonIndigenous; 2 months ago
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Napp
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#3
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If hes not making you happy, and it sounds like hes probably actively making you miserable you should probably break it off for the sake of both of you. The longer hes with you (and it doesnt sound like youll be with him long from your message anyway) the bigger the gut punch hes going to get..
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Justaboutalive
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#4
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Tbh he seems really needy and as you have said this is making you uncomfortable, that isn't how you should feel in a relationship.
If you have not addressed this with him, try to, and talk about it. If that fails, then consider if this relationship is meeting what you are looking for and if it is something you need.
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Anonymous #1
#5
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We are mid 20s. So it's not a teenage relationship where hormones are all over the place...
We both work but even at work its constant messages.

I have tried to explain to him but he will then bring up past messages where I've said he's cute or I like his replies or something like that and i just think "yeah that was before you became really clingy". He cries over everything too. I don't want to hurt him but hes mentally draining.
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Napp
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(Original post by Anonymous)
We are mid 20s. So it's not a teenage relationship where hormones are all over the place...
We both work but even at work its constant messages.

I have tried to explain to him but he will then bring up past messages where I've said he's cute or I like his replies or something like that and i just think "yeah that was before you became really clingy". He cries over everything too. I don't want to hurt him but hes mentally draining.
To be frank, thats actively conserning if hes trawling old messages to seek quotes to lob at you to prove points..
as to the crying at everything, i have no idea if he has some sort of issue or is just not a particularly strong willed individual but you could probably do without having to carry the mental weight of two people if he cant pull his own **** together.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Napp)
To be frank, thats actively conserning if hes trawling old messages to seek quotes to lob at you to prove points..
as to the crying at everything, i have no idea if he has some sort of issue or is just not a particularly strong willed individual but you could probably do without having to carry the mental weight of two people if he cant pull his own **** together.
Yeah I am just so freaked out by it too. It's very overwhelming. My last relationship was 4 years and was a horrible one so I was thinking maybe I'm the problem and I am too distant but I am glad other people think it's weird behaviour
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Anonymous #1
#8
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Mid 20s. It is very annoying.
(Original post by NonIndigenous)
How old are you and him.

This is worse than just being clingy. It's annoying.
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DR.DOOM
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#9
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#9
he's a simp lol
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Adz2042
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#10
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He could have some form of anxiety or dyslexia that even he doesn't know he has.
Maybe question it and ask if he's heard of dyslexia or extreme annoyance syndrome [Made that up but it could be something?]

Here's a useful link to read up about this sort of behaviour: https://www.insider.com/overly-affec...ed-flag-2018-7

My advice: calmly ask him to cool down on the affection, and summarise your day's activities at a set time each day.
Have a video call too, or schedule some time to meet up again, as talking about people's affections in person can be easier to communicate than over text.

If he's 'crying' or can't handle that, then it might be wise to just take a break for a week or so, and see how you feel after that.
Or ignore all this and just break it off and leave him.

As with any relationship, we humans all like attention, some more than others. But the key factor is receiving feedback on the mistakes we make, so we learn not to make them again, and learn from our experiences.
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Anonymous #1
#11
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(Original post by Adz2042)
He could have some form of anxiety or dyslexia that even he doesn't know he has.
Maybe question it and ask if he's heard of dyslexia or extreme annoyance syndrome [Made that up but it could be something?]

Here's a useful link to read up about this sort of behaviour: https://www.insider.com/overly-affec...ed-flag-2018-7

My advice: calmly ask him to cool down on the affection, and summarise your day's activities at a set time each day.
Have a video call too, or schedule some time to meet up again, as talking about people's affections in person can be easier to communicate than over text.

If he's 'crying' or can't handle that, then it might be wise to just take a break for a week or so, and see how you feel after that.
Or ignore all this and just break it off and leave him.

As with any relationship, we humans all like attention, some more than others. But the key factor is receiving feedback on the mistakes we make, so we learn not to make them again, and learn from our experiences.
I have tried to talk to him about it but he said he doesn't know what he's doing wrong. If I video call him and don't look at the camera all the time he says I am ignoring him and when I say I need to go he starts crying. I honestly really liked him until I started seeing how obsessive he was. I now can't wait to tell him I have plans and can't talk for a bit because I feel pressured into spending every second of free time I have talking to him and it isn't fair. I understand he may have some issues but we've known eachother coming up 2 months. It's too much too early.
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Bushyasta
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#12
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(Original post by Anonymous)
So I had been speaking to a guy for a while he was so nice, seemed like he knew how to give me space but also treat me well. Thought it was great. I explained my mental health isnt great and sometimes i like to sit and listen to music myself.

We met and it all went downhill from there. He needs constant affection. If I don't reply straight away he will count the minutes since my last reply. If I am commenting on facebook he will say things like "so you can comment on facebook but not reply to me" this is like 30 seconds after he has sent a message and i was already typing on fb. When we are together if I am watching tv he will sit with tears in his eyes with a pouty lip cause I am not giving him all my attention. If I am lying down he will kneel on the floor and hug my legs. He quotes old messages I've sent to him such as if I am asking him to give me an hour to do something he will quote me saying "i am never really busy" or something along those lines but it will be a message from weeks ago. Facebook says I'm online sometimes when I'm not and he will send 7 or 8 messages asking if i am awake then when I do become active 30 seconds later I have a message like "Yay you're awake and can talk to me". i feel very backed into a corner and its honestly like the way a year 9 girl would be with her first boyfriend. Because of this I genuinely get so agitated by every little thing he does or says.

The only thing that makes it slightly better is he lives in London, I live in Manchester.
It's strange for boys to behaving this way. These are traits usually identified with girls who want constant attention, validation, and confirmation, and they are clingy af.
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NonIndigenous
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He might be experiencing something called abandonment anxiety (not sure if that is what is called, actually). Not all people with this, behave the same though. You have those which are unaware of their own issues, so cannot really do anything about it anyway until they become self-aware. That is something you can try doing, is to point this out to him. That at least gives him the chance to fix himself. Then you have those which are aware, and decide to control their impulses, because they understand the stress it causes others. There are others, that superficially control it to give the impression that they have their act together. Some people are able to authentically stop themselves. In other cases, this behavior that comes across as 'affectionate' on 1st impressions, is actually just controlling. All these behaviors sit on a spectrum from less extreme to more extreme. The far end of the spectrum gets increasingly brutal. Another symptom for example is when such people reach the conclusion that "I cannot rely on anyone not to leave me" (usually a bit later in life), therefore consciously resort to power games to keep people entrapped in a relationship with them, or will instead 'spread the risk' over multiple intimate partners. So if any one of those partners leaves, they have several other backups.

People develop abandonment issues usually because of something nasty that happened in their childhood. Maybe they were orphaned, for example. It could be many things. You will know better than I do, being his girlfriend.

The best way to deal with someone like that, is to be consistent with them. Say what you mean, and stick to it. Don't make excuses. Have clear boundaries. If you are busy working, say you are busy working. If you miss your friends and want to spend time with them, just say so, instead of making up other excuses such as "I'm not feeling well". If you say you are meeting at a certain time, do it. etc.

These are just good policies for dealing with people and just being a better person yourself in general. But with people that have abandonment issues... it's even more important. I'm not implying that you already do or do not do these things. I have no idea. But even if you decide to break off with him, it is something to think about. I have known too many dam* people who have pathetic standards when it comes to being authentic, their excuse usually being that "everyone else does it too" (which is not true anyway).
Last edited by NonIndigenous; 2 months ago
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ashtolga23
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(Original post by Anonymous)
So I had been speaking to a guy for a while he was so nice, seemed like he knew how to give me space but also treat me well. Thought it was great. I explained my mental health isnt great and sometimes i like to sit and listen to music myself.

We met and it all went downhill from there. He needs constant affection. If I don't reply straight away he will count the minutes since my last reply. If I am commenting on facebook he will say things like "so you can comment on facebook but not reply to me" this is like 30 seconds after he has sent a message and i was already typing on fb. When we are together if I am watching tv he will sit with tears in his eyes with a pouty lip cause I am not giving him all my attention. If I am lying down he will kneel on the floor and hug my legs. He quotes old messages I've sent to him such as if I am asking him to give me an hour to do something he will quote me saying "i am never really busy" or something along those lines but it will be a message from weeks ago. Facebook says I'm online sometimes when I'm not and he will send 7 or 8 messages asking if i am awake then when I do become active 30 seconds later I have a message like "Yay you're awake and can talk to me". i feel very backed into a corner and its honestly like the way a year 9 girl would be with her first boyfriend. Because of this I genuinely get so agitated by every little thing he does or says.

The only thing that makes it slightly better is he lives in London, I live in Manchester.
It sounds like he probably has some mental health issues of his own, or attachment issues of some kind at least. If it's not something you can cope with then maybe give him a sort of ultimatum explaining exactly what you have here, and perhaps suggest he picks up some hobbies to distract him. If that doesn't work then it could be best to call it off before it goes even further.
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Bushyasta
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(Original post by ashtolga23)
It sounds like he probably has some mental health issues of his own, or attachment issues of some kind at least. If it's not something you can cope with then maybe give him a sort of ultimatum explaining exactly what you have here, and perhaps suggest he picks up some hobbies to distract him. If that doesn't work then it could be best to call it off before it goes even further.
If you bringing into the table the mental health issues then you should probably consider that these behaviours are associated usually with girls and not boys, who like constant attention, confirmation, and validation.
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obtuse indvdual
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#16
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YOU SLAY QUEEN get rid of that ***
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obtuse indvdual
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#17
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its okay queen you slay, you should explain the issue to him or just end it sis, do what makes you happy gorl.
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Foxehh
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#18
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(Original post by Anonymous)
The only thing that makes it slightly better is he lives in London, I live in Manchester.
Your boyfriend living far away from you being the only thing you like about the relationship should be err telling. If you dont even want to be around him then you may as well end it now. Which would probably be the best for both of you, it seems like the guy has some personal issues he needs to sort out.
Last edited by Foxehh; 2 months ago
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edward-c
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(Original post by Bushyasta)
It's strange for boys to behaving this way. These are traits usually identified with girls who want constant attention, validation, and confirmation, and they are clingy af.
This is an extremely narrow-minded and sexist way of thinking. Human beings are not strictly defined by masculine and feminine traits as they are always a blend of each - whether it is balanced or not, you cannot depend on people to admit to this as much as society expects them to conform to definitions or stereotypes of gender. Other posts outlining that their boyfriend may have a mental illness/disability seem more likely and less prone to gender bias.
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SMEGGGY
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He could have issues himself? Can't you talk to him and be sympathetic?
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