English Language GCSE Paper 1 Writing Section

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meli77
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Please can someone give me feedback on this story where I had to describe a picture and tell me approx how many marks I would get for this answer.

Thank you so much!!!! It would really help!

Question 5, Paper 1

I stood in front of the colossal, sinister and foreboding gates, my heart pounded like a drummer reaching the crescendo. The gate was fashioned from black iron; I had seen pictures of such gates in horror movies. Gently running the fingers over the ghost-cold iron gates, I felt the chill from the metal seep deeply into my bones. The willows behind danced in a crazy frenzy, whipping its brittle, dead branches in the howling wind. The gate though solid, had not a hinge nor lock as if it was expecting me. I strode on regardless.

Glancing right, I distinguished an enormous forest. Chocked in its own overgrown branches, it resembled a sprawling fortress, barricading the earth from the illumination of the irresistible and magnificent moon. Curiously I stepped inside, my feet meeting a carpet of evergreen needles, which covered the forest floors; the eeriness of it perfumed me. Thick, swirling trails of fog and mist could be spotted hovering amongst the bare and isolate trees. Diminutive spiders crawled and climbed aimlessly on the trees. A crowd of cockroaches writhed and wriggled towards me like bees approaching a hive. Bats swooped dangerously close to my head as the haunting castle came close to the faculty of my eyesight. Sweat streamed down the sides of my face with a stinging saltiness. Blood thudded in my eardrums. I shivered.

The castle was bold and black beyond. It stood there as if conjured from a Gothic novel (Frankenstein for example). Though the castle walls were the strongest thing for miles around, I carefully examined the stones instead: unique, surreptitious and varying in size. A formidable tower of rock. A portion of history. Here is where once kings and queens and princes and princes resided! Yet, the windows of it were like the eyes of the devil. The nose of the castle smelt the souls of people who dared to enter…

Inside, the immense and enigmatic hallway stood silent and obscure mirroring the eccentric night outdoors. The dusty and dilapidated floorboards, crumbling with age, creaked an eerie tune beneath my cautious footsteps. A dim, yellow light allowed me to discern a broken frame from where a picture hung loosely. It was the picture of a young, amiable girl (perhaps 5 years old) who was licking a lollipop. Though, her eyes - pitch dark like an onyx - said something else. A menacing aura enveloped her beautifully shaped crescent moons. They screamed for help.

Suddenly, an acrid scent of smoke trickled my nostrils. The same girl appeared in front of me, holding a rickety lantern. However, she didn’t mirror the sweet girl in the picture; she mirrored an animal. A ruthless creature. Her dishevelled apparition prickled my arm hair. Her short, black hair straightened perfectly in a middle part which covered her eyes. She was donned in a decrepit, white dress covered in patches of stains. Bloodstains. Her icy smirk reached her thin lips making me cringe in fear. It was like a python’s. Right before it devours you…

“My name is Lucy, she exclaimed. “Are you ready to die?”

The quick dread flooded my body, suspended my breathing and quickened my pulse. My stomach turned into a washing machine, churning up my guts and intestines. I ran. As fast as humanely possible. She was sauntering behind me, cackling.

Why in God’s name did I want to explore this place? Did I really think everything was going to be sugary here? I am a dictionary-defined imbecile.

Eventually, I was yet again stood behind the iron-cold gates. The eternal night sky above void of stars. I looked straight, ready to escape this place once and for all. But, there, in front of me stood she. Lucy. With a savage smirk and a sharpened knife.

And then I woke up.
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GTT21
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(Original post by meli77)
Please can someone give me feedback on this story where I had to describe a picture and tell me approx how many marks I would get for this answer.

Thank you so much!!!! It would really help!

Question 5, Paper 1

I stood in front of the colossal, sinister and foreboding gates, my heart pounded like a drummer reaching the crescendo. The gate was fashioned from black iron; I had seen pictures of such gates in horror movies. Gently running the fingers over the ghost-cold iron gates, I felt the chill from the metal seep deeply into my bones. The willows behind danced in a crazy frenzy, whipping its brittle, dead branches in the howling wind. The gate though solid, had not a hinge nor lock as if it was expecting me. I strode on regardless.

Glancing right, I distinguished an enormous forest. Chocked in its own overgrown branches, it resembled a sprawling fortress, barricading the earth from the illumination of the irresistible and magnificent moon. Curiously I stepped inside, my feet meeting a carpet of evergreen needles, which covered the forest floors; the eeriness of it perfumed me. Thick, swirling trails of fog and mist could be spotted hovering amongst the bare and isolate trees. Diminutive spiders crawled and climbed aimlessly on the trees. A crowd of cockroaches writhed and wriggled towards me like bees approaching a hive. Bats swooped dangerously close to my head as the haunting castle came close to the faculty of my eyesight. Sweat streamed down the sides of my face with a stinging saltiness. Blood thudded in my eardrums. I shivered.

The castle was bold and black beyond. It stood there as if conjured from a Gothic novel (Frankenstein for example). Though the castle walls were the strongest thing for miles around, I carefully examined the stones instead: unique, surreptitious and varying in size. A formidable tower of rock. A portion of history. Here is where once kings and queens and princes and princes resided! Yet, the windows of it were like the eyes of the devil. The nose of the castle smelt the souls of people who dared to enter…

Inside, the immense and enigmatic hallway stood silent and obscure mirroring the eccentric night outdoors. The dusty and dilapidated floorboards, crumbling with age, creaked an eerie tune beneath my cautious footsteps. A dim, yellow light allowed me to discern a broken frame from where a picture hung loosely. It was the picture of a young, amiable girl (perhaps 5 years old) who was licking a lollipop. Though, her eyes - pitch dark like an onyx - said something else. A menacing aura enveloped her beautifully shaped crescent moons. They screamed for help.

Suddenly, an acrid scent of smoke trickled my nostrils. The same girl appeared in front of me, holding a rickety lantern. However, she didn’t mirror the sweet girl in the picture; she mirrored an animal. A ruthless creature. Her dishevelled apparition prickled my arm hair. Her short, black hair straightened perfectly in a middle part which covered her eyes. She was donned in a decrepit, white dress covered in patches of stains. Bloodstains. Her icy smirk reached her thin lips making me cringe in fear. It was like a python’s. Right before it devours you…

“My name is Lucy, she exclaimed. “Are you ready to die?”

The quick dread flooded my body, suspended my breathing and quickened my pulse. My stomach turned into a washing machine, churning up my guts and intestines. I ran. As fast as humanely possible. She was sauntering behind me, cackling.

Why in God’s name did I want to explore this place? Did I really think everything was going to be sugary here? I am a dictionary-defined imbecile.

Eventually, I was yet again stood behind the iron-cold gates. The eternal night sky above void of stars. I looked straight, ready to escape this place once and for all. But, there, in front of me stood she. Lucy. With a savage smirk and a sharpened knife.

And then I woke up.
It seems really good! There are a lot of different vocab and language techniques. Maybe a 29-33/40 (I'm not a teacher, I don't really know the bounderies) But for feedback, I was always told by my teacher to never end a poem with 'I woke up' as it bores the examiner and allows them to open the possibility of downgrading you, as many students would have ended their story the same. Instead, to get top grades use a cyclical structure in your story, start with the same sentence and end with the same sentence or, every paragraph should start with a short sentence or phrase.
Good luck with your studies! 😊
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meli77
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Oh really? I didn’t know that! Thanks!!
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GTT21
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(Original post by meli77)
Oh really? I didn’t know that! Thanks!!
No problem!
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muntssz
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(Original post by meli77)
Please can someone give me feedback on this story where I had to describe a picture and tell me approx how many marks I would get for this answer.

Thank you so much!!!! It would really help!

Question 5, Paper 1

I stood in front of the colossal, sinister and foreboding gates, my heart pounded like a drummer reaching the crescendo. The gate was fashioned from black iron; I had seen pictures of such gates in horror movies. Gently running the fingers over the ghost-cold iron gates, I felt the chill from the metal seep deeply into my bones. The willows behind danced in a crazy frenzy, whipping its brittle, dead branches in the howling wind. The gate though solid, had not a hinge nor lock as if it was expecting me. I strode on regardless.

Glancing right, I distinguished an enormous forest. Chocked in its own overgrown branches, it resembled a sprawling fortress, barricading the earth from the illumination of the irresistible and magnificent moon. Curiously I stepped inside, my feet meeting a carpet of evergreen needles, which covered the forest floors; the eeriness of it perfumed me. Thick, swirling trails of fog and mist could be spotted hovering amongst the bare and isolate trees. Diminutive spiders crawled and climbed aimlessly on the trees. A crowd of cockroaches writhed and wriggled towards me like bees approaching a hive. Bats swooped dangerously close to my head as the haunting castle came close to the faculty of my eyesight. Sweat streamed down the sides of my face with a stinging saltiness. Blood thudded in my eardrums. I shivered.

The castle was bold and black beyond. It stood there as if conjured from a Gothic novel (Frankenstein for example). Though the castle walls were the strongest thing for miles around, I carefully examined the stones instead: unique, surreptitious and varying in size. A formidable tower of rock. A portion of history. Here is where once kings and queens and princes and princes resided! Yet, the windows of it were like the eyes of the devil. The nose of the castle smelt the souls of people who dared to enter…

Inside, the immense and enigmatic hallway stood silent and obscure mirroring the eccentric night outdoors. The dusty and dilapidated floorboards, crumbling with age, creaked an eerie tune beneath my cautious footsteps. A dim, yellow light allowed me to discern a broken frame from where a picture hung loosely. It was the picture of a young, amiable girl (perhaps 5 years old) who was licking a lollipop. Though, her eyes - pitch dark like an onyx - said something else. A menacing aura enveloped her beautifully shaped crescent moons. They screamed for help.

Suddenly, an acrid scent of smoke trickled my nostrils. The same girl appeared in front of me, holding a rickety lantern. However, she didn’t mirror the sweet girl in the picture; she mirrored an animal. A ruthless creature. Her dishevelled apparition prickled my arm hair. Her short, black hair straightened perfectly in a middle part which covered her eyes. She was donned in a decrepit, white dress covered in patches of stains. Bloodstains. Her icy smirk reached her thin lips making me cringe in fear. It was like a python’s. Right before it devours you…

“My name is Lucy, she exclaimed. “Are you ready to die?”

The quick dread flooded my body, suspended my breathing and quickened my pulse. My stomach turned into a washing machine, churning up my guts and intestines. I ran. As fast as humanely possible. She was sauntering behind me, cackling.

Why in God’s name did I want to explore this place? Did I really think everything was going to be sugary here? I am a dictionary-defined imbecile.

Eventually, I was yet again stood behind the iron-cold gates. The eternal night sky above void of stars. I looked straight, ready to escape this place once and for all. But, there, in front of me stood she. Lucy. With a savage smirk and a sharpened knife.

And then I woke up.
can i use this for my gcse today?
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meli77
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(Original post by muntssz)
can i use this for my gcse today?
It would be better if you used snippets of it, but do whatever you want to - I wouldn’t know 😅
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