I am feeling so guilty it's spoiling my relationship.

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Anonymous #1
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So a few months ago (4 months to be exact) I realised my boyfriend was dependent on me, academically. We are both in the same uni and are doing similar modules at the moment. I realised, he wouldn't do anything without asking for help from me no matter how simple.

Quick example, we were doing an assignment, and he was asking me for help on trivial things like 'where can I add a paragraph?' 'Which font size should I use?' Bear in mind, I was doing all the research as well. Basically he sat by and I did almost everything. By the time he needed real help, my patience was already waning.

So, after a long chat with him, presented my issues to him, he promised he would be more independent. It lasted about a day or so, and he started again. So that was when I made a decision.

I left his flat, went back to my flat on campus. I turned my phone off for a week and basically disappeared! Well after the week, I resurfaced. Obviously he called me nonstop, came by my flat looking for me at the time I 'disappeared' , my flat mates said I had left. He was obviously hurt. But when I turned my phone back on (still on campus) I made up a story about how I am working full time now. (I work weekends only). I pay for uni and accommodation privately. I basically lied to him that I wasn't on campus and that I won't be for the whole term because I'm saving money. And that, I'm working full time now because I want to earn more. That meant, I won't be around to baby him throughout his coursework this term.

But in the period I was away, he became self sufficient. He tells me about his study plans and how he is improving and feels more confident in his work etc. Basically, that's is why I did what I did. To let him stand on his two feet. He is happy. He was very understanding about my ' full time job' etc. But I can't help but feel guilty.

When I went to see once, I saw how he was happy about his achievements etc, and he said 'I am managing well on my own. I struggled a bit, but now I'm so happy for everything I have accomplished' He managed to get good grades in his assignments WITHOUT my help. Like I knew he was capable of. Anyway, I didn't tell him the truth. That I manipulated the situation. I just burst into tears and told him I was proud of him.

But I feel this guilt when he says he misses me (and I'm on campus but pretend I'm not) so I end up pushing him away because I can't bear not telling him the whole truth. It would crash him! So it's not an option. I feel so guilty I sometimes feel undeserving of him so I come off hot and cold. It leaves him confused but I know I'm the problem. How can get rid of this guilt. I have lied so much. The pain will be irreparable.
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Foxehh
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In the small chance that this actually happened...
You should have kept telling him to figure it out on his own when he asked. Lying about drastic things like this ( disappearing, wont be on campus, getting a full time job out of all things?? ) doesnt lead anywhere good, at this point you're living a double life... with your own partner. You know you cant tell him the truth but you also know you cant keep this up forever and its rightfully eating you up inside. It could have been salvageable if it were only a week or two, you could've come clean and explained you were frustrated and acting irrationally, but you've had plenty of time to rethink this by four months.
There's no way to dig yourself out of this one.
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Surnia
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Good. You should feel guilty.

If your reaction to this is that you couldn't discuss it with your boyfriend and chose to run away and lie instead I don't know how you would cope if your relationship ever hit a real difficulty. Tell him exactly what you did and let him decide how he wants things to be between you.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Foxehh)
In the small chance that this actually happened...
You should have kept telling him to figure it out on his own when he asked. Lying about drastic things like this ( disappearing, wont be on campus, getting a full time job out of all things?? ) doesnt lead anywhere good, at this point you're living a double life... with your own partner. You know you cant tell him the truth but you also know you cant keep this up forever and its rightfully eating you up inside. It could have been salvageable if it were only a week or two, you could've come clean and explained you were frustrated and acting irrationally, but you've had plenty of time to rethink this by four months.
There's no way to dig yourself out of this one.
I will clarify this. It happened and it is still happening. That's why we are not doing exams together. The last time we did, he didn't study and was copying everything I did. We were lucky we didn't get caught for plagiarism.

Now I'm planning on making it up to him over the summer. Without revealing nothing. Also, next year we are not doing similar modules so I will drop the whole disappearing act.

I mean the way you have stated it, is absolutely true. I have spent so much time convincing myself it's okay, something good came of it, but no. The double life thingy is true. I know I can't get out of it, but is there a way to make it better within me?

I tried so many times. Gently asked him to figure things out on his own. Guided him etc. But no. Advised him to get therapy (he has anxiety issues) and ask for extra time etc. I have been there to support him but from a distance. He did do all these things after I disappeared. He did. I just don't know why it had to be like this though. I am not justifying anything.

I could have come clean, but I was worried his progress would be dettered. He becomes too dependent when I'm in the picture. He has become stronger, firmer, and confident in his work ethic you see. There is no way, I could have spoiled all that by showing up.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Surnia)
Good. You should feel guilty.

If your reaction to this is that you couldn't discuss it with your boyfriend and chose to run away and lie instead I don't know how you would cope if your relationship ever hit a real difficulty. Tell him exactly what you did and let him decide how he wants things to be between you.
I am feeling guilty alright. I am paying for my actions with a guilty conscience. I don't usually run away from difficulty. I don't. I like solving things.Only this time, this was like the only solution.

This..this was the first time I did such a drastic thing. And I didn't plan on it. It just happened. After sending him a YouTube video explaining some course work related stuff and he asked me to talk him through the video because he couldn't watch it because he was watching his Animation show, I decided I was done.

We had talked so many times about it. I was very clear on everything I said. He always said he saw the issue too. But he always ended up slacking and I was picking up the slack.

Now, he is really happy with himself. He jokes about it too. 'It took you leaving campus for me to actually focus on my work' He is happy. I don't want to spoil it though I'm dying of guilt.
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