Darth_Noob
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mandyelicup
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Wow, this is awesome description!

I would just have a few suggestions (just my opinion, in no way professional!)
It’s a bit unclear with trees ‘murdering anything that dared conquer them’; maybe ‘tried to conquer them’?
‘crows snivelled shrieks’ doesn’t quite make sense?
‘revolting atmosphere’ - perhaps replace with something like sinister/malevolent?

The idea of ‘sweet harmony’ contrasts a bit with ‘bombarded’; maybe use a more gentle/welcome verb to describe a beautiful sound?
In this second paragraph it might also be effective to use some shorter or different sentence structures in the body of it.

I love the personification in this final paragraph!
It’s just a little unclear with ‘fed up of the trees’ strife’, ’strife' perhaps doesn’t fit with the idyllic description in the paragraph before. But I love the idea of the plants’ love fading.

I’d say it’s a good length; if you wanted to extend it a little, you could add something more narrative-based as well as description? For example, what the narrator was doing when they visited last, or what they are doing now?
It could also maybe help to build suspense if you offered a slightly more concrete theory for why the garden has changed so much.
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Darth_Noob
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(Original post by mandyelicup)
Wow, this is awesome description!

I would just have a few suggestions (just my opinion, in no way professional!)
It’s a bit unclear with trees ‘murdering anything that dared conquer them’; maybe ‘tried to conquer them’?
‘crows snivelled shrieks’ doesn’t quite make sense?
‘revolting atmosphere’ - perhaps replace with something like sinister/malevolent?

The idea of ‘sweet harmony’ contrasts a bit with ‘bombarded’; maybe use a more gentle/welcome verb to describe a beautiful sound?
In this second paragraph it might also be effective to use some shorter or different sentence structures in the body of it.

I love the personification in this final paragraph!
It’s just a little unclear with ‘fed up of the trees’ strife’, ’strife' perhaps doesn’t fit with the idyllic description in the paragraph before. But I love the idea of the plants’ love fading.

I’d say it’s a good length; if you wanted to extend it a little, you could add something more narrative-based as well as description? For example, what the narrator was doing when they visited last, or what they are doing now?
It could also maybe help to build suspense if you offered a slightly more concrete theory for why the garden has changed so much.
Thank you so much this is really helpful!
I will try and make things a bit more clear when it comes to the description.
With the use of 'bombarded', I tried to use an oxymoron to imply that something rather sinister destroyed the beauty of the garden, but perhaps it makes more sense in my head.
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mandyelicup
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(Original post by Darth_Noob)
Thank you so much this is really helpful!
I will try and make things a bit more clear when it comes to the description.
With the use of 'bombarded', I tried to use an oxymoron to imply that something rather sinister destroyed the beauty of the garden, but perhaps it makes more sense in my head.
Ah, that makes sense actually!
No problem
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