Please could someone mark this creative writing for me? Hoping for 29 or 30 marks. Th

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AishaAisha1234
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The station of time: a glorious place. Where all your dreams could come true, all your regrets
could be fixed, and all your troubles washed away. There was no place like it, and once you
arrived, no other place could ever compare. The great altitudinous halls became a home for
many, the prodigious stone floors, a makeshift bed. A place to sit, ponder, and sleep, as they
waited for their next train to arrive. The train of time was a colossal monster, screeching like
an innocent animal being tortured, as it floated up to its next prey. Slicing the water like a
shark charging towards the shore. Halt. It came to a pause in front of its newest passengers,
their faces bright with glee like children at a candy shop, greedily crowding around the train
door.
Little did they know.
It became addictive: obsessive even, crashing in and out of the station like waves against a
cliff. Some people arrived at the station and never left, trapped in a bubble between time –
between lives. Splash. Another person appeared. Splash. Another one disappeared: gone to
a different place and a different time. A morbid mortality, some may say, leaving you own
dilapidated life behind and swapping it for a new one. However, here at the station no one
judged, they were all in the same boat. All trying to escape reality, travel to a different world,
place, and time. People drowning in debt could swim back to the shore to a place where
money came easier. Those battling depression and absorbed with anxiety could relax
knowing their futures did not matter. Why live in the present when you can (quite literally) live
in the past?
A time where happiness was free, and a place where joy was abundant.
At first, people were sceptical: of course, they were. Time travel? Ridiculous! The modern
world has so much to offer! Free healthcare, a cure to cancer, world peace and freedom of
expression. Surely no one would want to go back to the times of war, poverty, and famine!
Yet there was something mirthful about the past - something that present day lacked. The
grass appeared greener, children seemed happier, and the world ran smoother. Everything
had a place, an order, and a harmony to it. Time travel washed away the dust of everyday
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AishaAisha1234
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The question was, write a story about time travel as suggested by this picture.
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hermionestranger
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(Original post by AishaAisha1234)
The question was, write a story about time travel as suggested by this picture.
I don't have creative writing experience, but I saw this thread and thought i'd leave my comments: it's really beautiful and captivating. Well done and hope you get the constructive criticism you want!
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rabbitygravity
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I am not a teacher, so I can’t really mark this and give you that kind of feedback. I think that this is a great piece of writing. Only things I would comment on (if I’m being picky) are: 1) You compare the screeching of the train of time to an innocent animal being tortured. I understand that the ‘innocent’ refers to the animal, and not the train, but I think it does somehow detract from the cruel description of the train. 2) There is a typo in line 5 of the second paragraph (leaving ‘you’ own). 3) I’m not entirely sure about the way you use the word ‘however’, at the start of the sentence. I remember being told not to do this, but, again, please ask a teacher about this as I may be wrong. 4) final thing: I would avoid using brackets the way you do near the end for (quite literally). I think it makes you seem unsure and it detracts from the polished nature of the rest of the piece.
I just want to reiterate that I think it is a great piece, not only grammatically, but also how gripping the storyline is, which is very hard to do in short stories.
Best of luck ; )
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Surnia
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You've gone from a station with stone floors, to a train slicing through water, to a splash and people swimming back to shore. Even for a fantasy, that's very mixed and confusing imagery!
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