My bf won’t let me go to parties/ clubbing

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randon177382727
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A while back, my bf of 7 months and i were taking about going to parties. he doesn’t like going out much, has a small circle and would rather stay at home. i however, like to go to parties and have fun. in our conversation he gave me an ultimatum and said if i go to parties he would break up with me. his reason is that in the past while i was single, i kissed a few people and he doesn’t want them being around me or me being around them, especially drunk. Two of them were my friends and one time things and i had to cut them off (understandably). But i agreed out of respect for his feelings not to go to parties where they were there (all parties bc they were in my friend circle and we live in a. very small town). Anyway, last night we were talking about going to uni this sept and how i want to go to parties to meet friends and just enjoy myself. He completely shut it down and said he doesn’t understand why i would rather go get drunk with randoms instead of hanging out with him. he is very hard headed and refuses to look at it from my point of view. we both have very strong ethics against cheating and i haven’t done anything to break his trust. he hasn’t given me an ultimatum but he was very serious and made it seem like if i went out it means i love clubbing/partying more than him. is this controlling?
Last edited by randon177382727; 1 month ago
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anosmianAcrimony
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Yeah, it is controlling. If he can’t bring himself to trust you around other people, he shouldn’t be in a relationship at all.

’’he doesn’t understand why you would rather go get drunk with randoms instead of hang out with him’’ - well, it isn’t really healthy to hang out with the same person all the time. Variety is the spice of life and if you spend some time apart - not apart in a relationship sense, but just physically apart, for an evening here and there - then you’ll have more to bring to each other.

He also shouldn’t try to separate you from your friends, even if you have kissed them in the past; you shouldn’t have to cut them off. You were single then! It shouldn’t matter. If you say that you won’t kiss them anymore, he should accept that.

I think it’s less that he has ’’very strong ethics against cheating’’ and more that he has serious trust issues that he’s dealing with very poorly.
Last edited by anosmianAcrimony; 1 month ago
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CaptainDuckie
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Normally, people cheat at parties which lead to break ups etc. Mainly because of alcohol. (I.e break of trust) So, I see where he’s coming from but this is where built-trust comes into the relationship.


People like this should just try looking for someone who doesn’t like partying as much. I don’t think you both were compatible anymore.
Last edited by CaptainDuckie; 1 month ago
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randon177382727
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(Original post by anosmianAcrimony)
Yeah, it is controlling. If he can’t bring himself to trust you around other people, he shouldn’t be in a relationship at all.

’’he doesn’t understand why you would rather go get drunk with randoms instead of hang out with him’’ - well, it isn’t really healthy to hang out with the same person all the time. Variety is the spice of life and if you spend some time apart - not apart in a relationship sense, but just physically apart, for an evening here and there - then you’ll have more to bring to each other.

He also shouldn’t try to separate you from your friends, even if you have kissed them in the past; you shouldn’t have to cut them off. You were single then! It shouldn’t matter. If you say that you won’t kiss them anymore, he should accept that.

I think it’s less that he has ’’very strong ethics against cheating’’ and more that he has serious trust issues that he’s dealing with very poorly.
he insists that he trusts me but he says that all a person does at parties is get drunk and hookup with other people. so he doesn’t like the fact that i would rather do that instead of going to his house and be with him (i literally go to his house every day for multiple hours). it makes me sad bc all my friends go out with their bfs to parties but he refuses. he has anxiety and has bad experiences with parties bc he became dependent on drugs and got depressed. he doesn’t stop me from drinking or smoking but he doesn’t want me to be around other people. also in uni, i’m pursuing a law degree and won’t have much time to party anyway. i just don’t know what to do.
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YaliaV123
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Huge red flag.
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randon177382727
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(Original post by CaptainDuckie)
Normally, people cheat at parties which lead to break ups etc. Mainly because of alcohol. (I.e break of trust) So, I see where he’s coming from but this is where built-trust comes into the relationship.


People like this should just try looking for someone who doesn’t like partying as much.
i didn’t really know that he didn’t like parties until about three months into the relationship. i love him but i also don’t want to feel like i can’t do anything but hang out with him and my closest friend all summer (and i guess for the foreseeable future.)
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CaptainDuckie
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(Original post by randon177382727)
i didn’t really know that he didn’t like parties until about three months into the relationship. i love him but i also don’t want to feel like i can’t do anything but hang out with him and my closest friend all summer (and i guess for the foreseeable future.)

I’d say you aren’t compatible anymore then, clearly.
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anosmianAcrimony
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(Original post by CaptainDuckie)
I’d say you aren’t compatible anymore then, clearly.
At the point where a person makes an ultimatum and leverages the whole existence of the relationship in an attempt to change the other person’s behaviour - yes, I’d have serious doubts about compatibility too.
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Undateable.
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Tell him to go and **** himself then go
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Kawaii.Princess
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by the sound of it sounds like he's maybe insecure with the idea of you being around people.
also he may have trust issues which is he is might be controlling.
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mma_jd
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Your boyfriend seems possessive and controlling, ditch that *****
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aliyahh10
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(Original post by randon177382727)
A while back, my bf of 7 months and i were taking about going to parties. he doesn’t like going out much, has a small circle and would rather stay at home. i however, like to go to parties and have fun. in our conversation he gave me an ultimatum and said if i go to parties he would break up with me. his reason is that in the past while i was single, i kissed a few people and he doesn’t want them being around me or me being around them, especially drunk. Two of them were my friends and one time things and i had to cut them off (understandably). But i agreed out of respect for his feelings not to go to parties where they were there (all parties bc they were in my friend circle and we live in a. very small town). Anyway, last night we were talking about going to uni this sept and how i want to go to parties to meet friends and just enjoy myself. He completely shut it down and said he doesn’t understand why i would rather go get drunk with randoms instead of hanging out with him. he is very hard headed and refuses to look at it from my point of view. we both have very strong ethics against cheating and i haven’t done anything to break his trust. he hasn’t given me an ultimatum but he was very serious and made it seem like if i went out it means i love clubbing/partying more than him. is this controlling?
if there's no trust, what really is there to a relationship - trust is a basic concept to have. it seems like he has trust issues and it does indeed seem like he has a controlling nature. you were single and you 'kissed a few people' there's no issue in that since you weren't in a relationship. i agree with what a few people have said about compatibility, maybe you guys aren't compatible since you both want different things in terms of how you guys want to spend your time in university.
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karl pilkington
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are you a virgin?
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GabiAbi84
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There are very few things that are okay for one person in a relationship to “not let” the other do.
This is not one of them.
If he doesn’t want to go to parties then he doesn’t have to, he doesn’t get to get to tell you you can’t go.
If he can’t trust you to go to a party when you have given him no reason to doubt you then he shouldn’t be in a relationship with anyone.
This is not a healthy relationship.
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randon177382727
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(Original post by karl pilkington)
are you a virgin?
... struggling to see the relevance but no.
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Celtic Conjurer
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Dump his controlling arse.
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lynch8888
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Couples should go out to clubs together the majority of the time,as clubs are sexual places, but your boyfriend is not willing to so he is letting you down there, so he eventually loses his veto power.

You may just not be compatible in desired lifestyles.

I wouldn't say he is controlling, he is just scared.

Btw most people who cheat have strong ethics against cheating...
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barnet1471
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At present neither will the government as they will not be open. In normal times however, the behaviour you describe is controlling in my opinion and should lead to you ending the relationship I hope.
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CaptainDuckie
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(Original post by lynch8888)
I wouldn't say he is controlling, he is just scared.
.

I nearly thought the same thing but scared in this context is implied controlling behaviour.

I see what you mean though.
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randon177382727
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i agree bc he isn’t controlling in other ways that typical controlling bfs usually are (posting bikini pics, having male friends. etc) i would say he’s pretty normal other than the partying thing.
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