Fingered without consent. How to recover?

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Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 4 weeks ago
#1
Hi, so I'm a 23 years old female. When I was 16, I was in a relationship with a 23 year old guy. It cringes me to say that was a relationship as now that I'm older it feels soooo inappropriate and wrong. But I didn't think that at the time.

Anyways, whilst I was with the guy, one day he came around my house when no one else was home. We were doing stuff. From my memory, just kissing and hugging (this also feels weird now). And next thing I know, he's taken my jeans off a bit and fingered me. So prior to this, I did express my dislike for taking my jeans off. I didn't really want him to touch me down there. Anyways he fingered me for like maybe 5 or 10 secs. And from memory, he said something along the lines "see if I can do what I want" or something to that effect. Thing he was just trying to show me he's strong to like kinda do what he wants. I never had sex with this guy. But even after this incident, I stayed with him which I'm not happy about.

I am happy to say I'm no longer with this guy. I broke up with him when I was 18. However, I'm finding it that even after all these years, I'm not quite over this situation that happened. And the strangest thing is that at the time this happened I was uncomfortable, then OK after a bit. I think I forgot about it after an hour or two. But then the memory of this incident came into my head when I was maybe 19 or 20 and still has not gone away.

I was wondering what I could do to get over this. I'm recently married to my partner of 4 years who knows about the guy and I think I've told my partner about the situation once. Idk if I should speak to him again about it or just not do that since he can't do much about it anyways.
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miser
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#2
Report 4 weeks ago
#2
Recovery in a sense is not being affected by something that happened anymore. We can't control what's already happened but we can control our interpretations and emotions we associate with them. The more you think about it, and the more you dwell on the negative emotions associated with that event, the stronger they'll become and the more likely you'll be to remember it out of nowhere during the day.

You said that it didn't affect you much at the time, which is probably because you didn't think too deeply about it then, but after growing and learning more your interpretation of the event changed. That change in interpretation then made you feel more uncomfortable about it.

Probably right now you have quite a negative interpretation, and that's totally normal and to be expected, but it's in our power to change how we interpret things, and given that we can't change the past, it can be worth reframing negative events as being closer to neutral or focusing on less negative aspects. For example, one way you could interpret the event is as showing you the ways you've grown because you would never find yourself in that situation anymore.

Mindfulness can also be helpful. Mindfulness is the state of being aware of your thoughts and that you're thinking them as compared with just being lost in them. I'd recommend trying to become more aware of your thoughts because that gives you greater control to let go of unwanted ones. When an unwanted thought arises, try recognising that it's just a thought and you don't have to think about it any further and let it go. This kind of practice can help you to avoid dwelling on negative things that have happened, and thereby stop reinforcing the mental pathways that cause them to recur frequently. Mindfulness can be explicitly practised as a skill with mindfulness meditation, where you simply practice being aware of your thoughts as they arise and letting them go without judgement.

These techniques are used by Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, which is a clinically proven effective approach to dealing with trauma. There are probably a lot of YouTube videos about it if you want to learn more.
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Bang Outta Order
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#3
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Not really sure why you're thinking about it.
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karl pilkington
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#4
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It's not that big a deal really although inappropriate but best to move on.
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Adz2042
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#5
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how have you not moved on from this?
you're married, with a nicer guy now. focus on that, and your memories with him than trying to let the past haunt you.
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