Proof Read this please! Important!!

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minnierocks
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#1
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#1
So I'm applying for head girl and I've done this one question on the application and I could do with it being proof-read to ensure it sounds coherent and good please.



If I were appointed a role on the Leadership team, in order to promote kindness and equality, we would need to ensure that students are educated about how equality is about ensuring individuals are treated fairly and equally, no matter their race, gender, age, disability, or religion since kindness and equality are about recognising and respecting these differences to create an inclusive learning environment without any prejudice. Overall, my aim would be to ensure that nobody is discriminated against because they’re perceived as being “different” and that everybody is treated equally.

For example, we could create PowerPoints to be read in form time and assemblies which teach students about a broad range of relevant themes such as different cultures, religions, disabilities (and more) so that they are aware of the differences which makes everybody unique and are aware that these are normal and should never be discriminated against. Furthermore, there could be displays for inside classrooms and in the corridors which are created by students which promote kindness and equality by clearly highlighting how everyone should accepted and treated fairly for who they are. Also, as part of the Home School Agreement within our planners, we could introduce a section which clearly explains the school’s expectations on how students should treat others equally and shouldn’t discriminate against anyone or encourage stereotypes about people due to their differences.
Last edited by minnierocks; 1 year ago
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Wired_1800
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Here is my version (PS: I claim no rights or ownership to the content below):

If I was appointed a role on the Leadership team, in order to promote kindness and equality, we would need to ensure that students are educated about how equality is about ensuring individuals are treated fairly and equally, no matter their race, gender, age, disability, or religion since kindness and equality are about recognising and respecting these differences to create an inclusive learning environment without any prejudice. Overall, my aim would be work with the teaching staff and my peers to ensure that nobody is discriminated against because they are perceived as being “different” and that everybody is treated equally.

For example, I can work with the school community to create a new programme called ‘Weekly Outlook’, which would be PowerPoints to be read in form time and assemblies that teach students about a broad range of relevant themes such as different cultures, religions, disabilities (and more) so that they are aware of the differences which makes everybody unique plus are aware that these are normal and should accepted as part of our school community. Furthermore, there could be displays for inside classrooms and in the corridors which are created by students that promote kindness and equality by clearly highlighting how everyone should accept and treat fairly for who they are.


Finally, as part of the Home School Agreement within our planners, we could introduce a section which clearly explains the school’s expectations on how students should treat others equally and shouldn’t discriminate against anyone or encourage stereotypes about people due to their differences.
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ageshallnot
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I suggest that you use shorter sentences.

https://writingexplained.org/was-vs-were-difference
Last edited by ageshallnot; 1 year ago
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minnierocks
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(Original post by Wired_1800)
Here is my version (PS: I claim no rights or ownership to the content below):

If I was appointed a role on the Leadership team, in order to promote kindness and equality, we would need to ensure that students are educated about how equality is about ensuring individuals are treated fairly and equally, no matter their race, gender, age, disability, or religion since kindness and equality are about recognising and respecting these differences to create an inclusive learning environment without any prejudice. Overall, my aim would be work with the teaching staff and my peers to ensure that nobody is discriminated against because they are perceived as being “different” and that everybody is treated equally.

For example, I can work with the school community to create a new programme called ‘Weekly Outlook’, which would be PowerPoints to be read in form time and assemblies that teach students about a broad range of relevant themes such as different cultures, religions, disabilities (and more) so that they are aware of the differences which makes everybody unique plus are aware that these are normal and should accepted as part of our school community. Furthermore, there could be displays for inside classrooms and in the corridors which are created by students that promote kindness and equality by clearly highlighting how everyone should accept and treat fairly for who they are.


Finally, as part of the Home School Agreement within our planners, we could introduce a section which clearly explains the school’s expectations on how students should treat others equally and shouldn’t discriminate against anyone or encourage stereotypes about people due to their differences.
Thank you so much for the edits to this!
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