Feel I need some help/someone to talk to about this but don’t want to be judged

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Anonymous #1
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I think I need a bit of help as I can’t talk to anyone about this, it’s a odd problem and I’m a bit older than most on here so am expected to be mature.

To keep it short in a nutshell I have very strong feelings for my collegue/now manager who couldn’t be more out of reach. He’s in a relationship with a baby on the way. Please note these are just feelings I’m talking about. I have never tried to ‘chase him’ and wouldn’t do anything even if he offered as I’m not a home wrecker.

I was just happy being in his company at work. He has always supported me, fought my corner a bit, I’ve felt secure in my job knowing there was him to turn to. Other managers have disliked the way I worked however he saw value in me and often told me how much he appreciated me. Maybe the above led to me developing feelings.


Anyway he is leaving in about 8 weeks, please note I’m not the emotional type my grandma died and I was over it pretty quickly. However for some reason with this I’m secretly devastated, haven’t eaten much, been crying uncontrollably and it feels horrible

The main contributors to this are the fact i’l never see him again, the lack of security i’l have in my job. It’s like he filled a large void and now that’s gone. Ive not told anyone as well.. it sounds bizarre

I’m trying to distract myself/have started a new exercise group but it just reminds me of him as he was into similar. I have a fitness band on my arm which he persuaded me to get and again it’s a reminder. I realise that a major reason for all this is I’m single so I’m focusing on finding a partner but it is hard. I tell myself that it’s probably better he goes as this ‘emotional attachment’ I have might just fade a bit

My main concern is getting through these next 8 weeks of everyone talking about him leaving. But then I worry if I’m like this now what am I going to be like when he actually leaves.

I just feel I need whatever help I can get. I’m aware that this is not healthy or ‘normal’. Ive referred myself to counselling but Ive been told it could be 2 months before I see someone.
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Anonymous #2
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how old are you? just curious
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Anonymous)
how old are you? just curious
Too ashamed to say!
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Kerzen
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Too ashamed to say!
I think that you need to, it would give context to your post.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Kerzen)
I think that you need to, it would give context to your post.
Pushing 30
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Kerzen
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If you think that you are going to appear visibly distressed on his last day at work, I would suggest booking a holiday somewhere nice for that week, even a fortnight if you have leave available.

I would write a nice card for him wishing him well.

I do think that it's important to have insight into your feelings on this occasion and to realise that your perception of him isn't one borne out by the dynamic of the relationship you actually have with this guy. He's a guy who has been supportive of you in your work environment.

You need to take steps now to start eating properly again and stopping bursting into tears. If you nip this in the bud now, that will stand you in good stead. It is something you can do.

Something else which might help you may be to look around for another job.

You never know what is around the corner, there is every chance that you will meet a nice guy who is available in the next few months and these weeks and the guy who is leaving will be just a vague memory.

In the meantime, check out the IAPT situation for your area.

https://www.nhs.uk/service-search/ot...onSearch/10008
Last edited by Kerzen; 2 months ago
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Kerzen)
If you think that you are going to appear visibly distressed on his last day at work, I would suggest booking a holiday somewhere nice for that week, even a fortnight if you have leave available.

I would write a nice card for him wishing him well.

I do think that it's important to have insight into your feelings on this occasion and to realise that your perception of him isn't one borne out by the dynamic of the relationship you actually have with this guy. He's a guy who has been supportive of you in your work environment.

You need to take steps now to start eating properly again and stopping bursting into tears. If you nip this in the bud now, that will stand you in good stead. It is something you can do.

Something else which might help you may be to look around for another job.

You never know what is around the corner, there is every chance that you will meet a nice guy who is available in the next few months and these weeks and the guy who is leaving will be just a vague memory.

In the meantime, check out the IAPT situation for your area.

https://www.nhs.uk/service-search/ot...onSearch/10008
Thanks

I will def use some of those tips

I think my concern is not how I’l react on the last day (I’m very reserved in public) but now I’m cope with the low moods, given that I feel very low now before he’s even left.

I don’t want to be melodramatic but It’s like a suffocating feeling of dread I can’t shake. I was fine before he announced he was leaving. As I said I’m not telling anyone I know as it just sounds so odd, like it’s an extreme reaction
I’ll have a look at that iapt site thanks
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Anonymous #3
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don’t be ashamed this is totally normal!! i have a boyfriend and i love him very much but i’m very attached to my old male work colleague. We talk all the time, multiple times a week but it has never gone any further.
Try to stay in contact with him when he leaves, ask how his baby mommy is and how he is. You could buy the baby something nice - just a good thing to do and to stay in contact with him. I wouldn’t ruin his relationship but i would stay friends with him and show interest in his child. Good luck
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Anonymous #4
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I think I need a bit of help as I can’t talk to anyone about this, it’s a odd problem and I’m a bit older than most on here so am expected to be mature.

To keep it short in a nutshell I have very strong feelings for my collegue/now manager who couldn’t be more out of reach. He’s in a relationship with a baby on the way. Please note these are just feelings I’m talking about. I have never tried to ‘chase him’ and wouldn’t do anything even if he offered as I’m not a home wrecker.

I was just happy being in his company at work. He has always supported me, fought my corner a bit, I’ve felt secure in my job knowing there was him to turn to. Other managers have disliked the way I worked however he saw value in me and often told me how much he appreciated me. Maybe the above led to me developing feelings.


Anyway he is leaving in about 8 weeks, please note I’m not the emotional type my grandma died and I was over it pretty quickly. However for some reason with this I’m secretly devastated, haven’t eaten much, been crying uncontrollably and it feels horrible

The main contributors to this are the fact i’l never see him again, the lack of security i’l have in my job. It’s like he filled a large void and now that’s gone. Ive not told anyone as well.. it sounds bizarre

I’m trying to distract myself/have started a new exercise group but it just reminds me of him as he was into similar. I have a fitness band on my arm which he persuaded me to get and again it’s a reminder. I realise that a major reason for all this is I’m single so I’m focusing on finding a partner but it is hard. I tell myself that it’s probably better he goes as this ‘emotional attachment’ I have might just fade a bit

My main concern is getting through these next 8 weeks of everyone talking about him leaving. But then I worry if I’m like this now what am I going to be like when he actually leaves.

I just feel I need whatever help I can get. I’m aware that this is not healthy or ‘normal’. Ive referred myself to counselling but Ive been told it could be 2 months before I see someone.
sounds like you have a crush on him and I completely understand I have had crushes where they've left. It seems like you think you wont get over it but trust me you will. I know its so difficult to even think like that but you will. I was completely obsessed over someone whodidnt even show any interest in me and within few months of leaving I was over him. Then i 'fell in love' with someone online. Felt like it but i ofc wasn't an
d getting over him felt impossible but i did and i couldn't care less. try to think of the fact that he doesn't care about you lol . it hurts but it works !1. Dont be ashamed to the best of us. Try to keep yourself busy too
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Anonymous #5
#10
Report 2 months ago
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I think I need a bit of help as I can’t talk to anyone about this, it’s a odd problem and I’m a bit older than most on here so am expected to be mature.

To keep it short in a nutshell I have very strong feelings for my collegue/now manager who couldn’t be more out of reach. He’s in a relationship with a baby on the way. Please note these are just feelings I’m talking about. I have never tried to ‘chase him’ and wouldn’t do anything even if he offered as I’m not a home wrecker.

I was just happy being in his company at work. He has always supported me, fought my corner a bit, I’ve felt secure in my job knowing there was him to turn to. Other managers have disliked the way I worked however he saw value in me and often told me how much he appreciated me. Maybe the above led to me developing feelings.


Anyway he is leaving in about 8 weeks, please note I’m not the emotional type my grandma died and I was over it pretty quickly. However for some reason with this I’m secretly devastated, haven’t eaten much, been crying uncontrollably and it feels horrible

The main contributors to this are the fact i’l never see him again, the lack of security i’l have in my job. It’s like he filled a large void and now that’s gone. Ive not told anyone as well.. it sounds bizarre

I’m trying to distract myself/have started a new exercise group but it just reminds me of him as he was into similar. I have a fitness band on my arm which he persuaded me to get and again it’s a reminder. I realise that a major reason for all this is I’m single so I’m focusing on finding a partner but it is hard. I tell myself that it’s probably better he goes as this ‘emotional attachment’ I have might just fade a bit

My main concern is getting through these next 8 weeks of everyone talking about him leaving. But then I worry if I’m like this now what am I going to be like when he actually leaves.

I just feel I need whatever help I can get. I’m aware that this is not healthy or ‘normal’. Ive referred myself to counselling but Ive been told it could be 2 months before I see someone.
Hi there Im not much of an expert at these things but heres a few things that have helped me "get over" someone. I remember liking someone so much that my happiness depended A LOT on this guy. This guy isnt the exact same as yours but I knew that I needed to move on as this guy was no good for me. I started to imagine a life where he never existed. I started to stop thinking about him (i know, easier said than done but you cant do it!), instead, I began to think how lucky I already am to have people surrounding me. I did things that I enjoyed just like you are doing, such as watching TV shows and tried to never be left by myself just in case I thought about him. I absolutely HATED the fact that I was relying on someone else. Its so important that you find stability and happiness within yourself because these people are going to come and go all the time. It takes time but know that its get better with time. I cant imagine the pain that you might go through during the next 8 weeks but just remember how lucky you were to of met someone like him. Understand that good things will come, you will become stronger and more reliant on yourself. You'll find that you wont need anyone aside from YOURSELF to feel comforted and supported, especially at work. Everything happens for a reason, you will get through this hurdle, dont worry x
Know that you are doing all the right and healthy things, you just need to give it time. It could take weeks or months as getting over a guy that you never admitted feelings for is another level of hard. Please dont worry, and go about your life as happy as you can make it!
Sorry if this was completely not what you were asking for x
Wishing you the best of luck and support!
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Anonymous #1
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Thanks all I’ve read ALL the replies they have really helped
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Anonymous #1
#12
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(Original post by Anonymous)
don’t be ashamed this is totally normal!! i have a boyfriend and i love him very much but i’m very attached to my old male work colleague. We talk all the time, multiple times a week but it has never gone any further.
Try to stay in contact with him when he leaves, ask how his baby mommy is and how he is. You could buy the baby something nice - just a good thing to do and to stay in contact with him. I wouldn’t ruin his relationship but i would stay friends with him and show interest in his child. Good luck
Thanks, I would prefer to stay in contact but I’m not sure if he does. He is quite minimalistic and tends to delete old social media accounts/says he is not bothered about keeping old contacts etc. So he might feel I’m no use to him so to speak.

Also he said that he just wants everyone here to just crack on and forget that he worked here so he can just disappear into the sunset which was quite odd.

So yea not sure
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Surnia
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#13
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You've been lucky enough to meet someone who is a good manager, nothing more. Don't keep in touch with him; he's made it clear what his boundaries are and you need to respect that. Don't think that it might be different if you ask to stay in contact and, if you are still unhappy further down the line, you don't want to be torturing yourself with hearing how he is happy and settled with his family.

Don't look for a partner whilst you have an emotional attachment to someone else. Looking for a partner because your crush is moving out of your life is entirely the wrong reason to get involved. There's a danger you'll start making unfair comparisons with the manager, and have unreasonable unexpectations of how much attention they should be giving you. Plus it seems to me that there's more to this low self-esteem than just being single and someone boosting you at work; it comes over as having being unsupported or put down by a lot of people and you've attached yourself to the first person to give you the attention you've been missing. Similarly, you need to start preparing yourself for a new manager coming in (I assume?), in which case the same things apply; don't start making comparisons or be resentful of the way they want to do things. Moving to another job won't necessarily be helpful either, as there's not going to be the same ties you are looking for with other staff.

Ditch the fitness band and find another exercise class if they're too much of a reminder, or at least until you feel better. If you are trying to keep fit, you need to be eating properly, and your body being healthy will go part way to dealing with everything else.
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Anonymous #6
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I think I need a bit of help as I can’t talk to anyone about this, it’s a odd problem and I’m a bit older than most on here so am expected to be mature.

To keep it short in a nutshell I have very strong feelings for my collegue/now manager who couldn’t be more out of reach. He’s in a relationship with a baby on the way. Please note these are just feelings I’m talking about. I have never tried to ‘chase him’ and wouldn’t do anything even if he offered as I’m not a home wrecker.

I was just happy being in his company at work. He has always supported me, fought my corner a bit, I’ve felt secure in my job knowing there was him to turn to. Other managers have disliked the way I worked however he saw value in me and often told me how much he appreciated me. Maybe the above led to me developing feelings.


Anyway he is leaving in about 8 weeks, please note I’m not the emotional type my grandma died and I was over it pretty quickly. However for some reason with this I’m secretly devastated, haven’t eaten much, been crying uncontrollably and it feels horrible

The main contributors to this are the fact i’l never see him again, the lack of security i’l have in my job. It’s like he filled a large void and now that’s gone. Ive not told anyone as well.. it sounds bizarre

I’m trying to distract myself/have started a new exercise group but it just reminds me of him as he was into similar. I have a fitness band on my arm which he persuaded me to get and again it’s a reminder. I realise that a major reason for all this is I’m single so I’m focusing on finding a partner but it is hard. I tell myself that it’s probably better he goes as this ‘emotional attachment’ I have might just fade a bit

My main concern is getting through these next 8 weeks of everyone talking about him leaving. But then I worry if I’m like this now what am I going to be like when he actually leaves.

I just feel I need whatever help I can get. I’m aware that this is not healthy or ‘normal’. Ive referred myself to counselling but Ive been told it could be 2 months before I see someone.
I honestly don't think this is something you would need counselling for. You've developed feelings for someone and it isn't working out how you'd like, that happens to literally everyone!
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Surnia)
You've been lucky enough to meet someone who is a good manager, nothing more. Don't keep in touch with him; he's made it clear what his boundaries are and you need to respect that. Don't think that it might be different if you ask to stay in contact and, if you are still unhappy further down the line, you don't want to be torturing yourself with hearing how he is happy and settled with his family.

Don't look for a partner whilst you have an emotional attachment to someone else. Looking for a partner because your crush is moving out of your life is entirely the wrong reason to get involved. There's a danger you'll start making unfair comparisons with the manager, and have unreasonable unexpectations of how much attention they should be giving you. Plus it seems to me that there's more to this low self-esteem than just being single and someone boosting you at work; it comes over as having being unsupported or put down by a lot of people and you've attached yourself to the first person to give you the attention you've been missing. Similarly, you need to start preparing yourself for a new manager coming in (I assume?), in which case the same things apply; don't start making comparisons or be resentful of the way they want to do things. Moving to another job won't necessarily be helpful either, as there's not going to be the same ties you are looking for with other staff.

Ditch the fitness band and find another exercise class if they're too much of a reminder, or at least until you feel better. If you are trying to keep fit, you need to be eating properly, and your body being healthy will go part way to dealing with everything else.
Thanks I will take what you said on board. I think it is that I felt really supported by him and subsequently developed some sort of attachment

I just have a constant low feeling most of the day which usually turns into getting upset at the end of the day. Two days ago I thought I was losing it as I was crying and it just escalated, I had like a feeling of dread/suffocating too. I am distracting myself which helps but I wonder if I’m like this now what the hell will I be like when he actually leaves. I was fine/happy before he announced he was leaving. I’m really not not normally the type to get upset easy people say I’m very reserved. This all goes on at home none of my collegues have a clue about this.

Never seeing him again just fills me with dread. It’s the extent of all this this makes me think it’s not normal.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I honestly don't think this is something you would need counselling for. You've developed feelings for someone and it isn't working out how you'd like, that happens to literally everyone!
It’s the extent of how I feel though I’ve posted above my concerns I won’t bore you all by posting again lol
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Hi there Im not much of an expert at these things but heres a few things that have helped me "get over" someone. I remember liking someone so much that my happiness depended A LOT on this guy. This guy isnt the exact same as yours but I knew that I needed to move on as this guy was no good for me. I started to imagine a life where he never existed. I started to stop thinking about him (i know, easier said than done but you cant do it!), instead, I began to think how lucky I already am to have people surrounding me. I did things that I enjoyed just like you are doing, such as watching TV shows and tried to never be left by myself just in case I thought about him. I absolutely HATED the fact that I was relying on someone else. Its so important that you find stability and happiness within yourself because these people are going to come and go all the time. It takes time but know that its get better with time. I cant imagine the pain that you might go through during the next 8 weeks but just remember how lucky you were to of met someone like him. Understand that good things will come, you will become stronger and more reliant on yourself. You'll find that you wont need anyone aside from YOURSELF to feel comforted and supported, especially at work. Everything happens for a reason, you will get through this hurdle, dont worry x
Know that you are doing all the right and healthy things, you just need to give it time. It could take weeks or months as getting over a guy that you never admitted feelings for is another level of hard. Please dont worry, and go about your life as happy as you can make it!
Sorry if this was completely not what you were asking for x
Wishing you the best of luck and support!
Hey thanks that has helped loads I can relate to much of what you’ve said, expecially the being alone I’ve been more social than I’ve ever been over the past few weeks.

I will look at the good side too ie hopefully creating my own stability rather than relying on the actions of others (who have no idea I’m so reliant on them). Though I’m not quite sure how I’ll learn this.

Yea I am just feeling very down most of the day and get upset at random times. It feels like some sort of breakup even though practically we weren’t that close, it just felt like it. It’s weird. I’m waking up at night then sort of go in some kind of shock that he’s leaving.

I do wonder how I’m get through the next comming weeks/months as he is still here. I’m getting people asking me if I’m doing a collection etc and they are all just reminders.

I had a read through some of his job statements today (as he’s applying for other jobs too) he asked me to take a look to see if they were ok. For some odd reason editing his statements a bit/adding what I thought were improvements made me feel a bit better. As though I had a bit more control over stuff even though it was helping him to leave lol
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PhoenixFortune
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#18
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Hey thanks that has helped loads I can relate to much of what you’ve said, expecially the being alone I’ve been more social than I’ve ever been over the past few weeks.

I will look at the good side too ie hopefully creating my own stability rather than relying on the actions of others (who have no idea I’m so reliant on them). Though I’m not quite sure how I’ll learn this.

Yea I am just feeling very down most of the day and get upset at random times. It feels like some sort of breakup even though practically we weren’t that close, it just felt like it. It’s weird. I’m waking up at night then sort of go in some kind of shock that he’s leaving.

I do wonder how I’m get through the next comming weeks/months as he is still here. I’m getting people asking me if I’m doing a collection etc and they are all just reminders.

I had a read through some of his job statements today (as he’s applying for other jobs too) he asked me to take a look to see if they were ok. For some odd reason editing his statements a bit/adding what I thought were improvements made me feel a bit better. As though I had a bit more control over stuff even though it was helping him to leave lol
Was it a sudden shock that he wanted to leave? Perhaps you've taken his decision a little too personally.

I think you need to acknowledge that he will leave no matter what, and you will presumably get someone who will replace him. It's hard when colleagues you're friendly with leave, but then you say that you weren't that close? Maybe the next manager will be just as supportive.

I wonder if you are conflating romantic feelings with something else? Like being attached to him as a first proper mentor?
Last edited by PhoenixFortune; 1 month ago
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Anonymous #1
#19
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(Original post by PhoenixFortune)
Was it a sudden shock that he wanted to leave? Perhaps you've taken his decision a little too personally.

I think you need to acknowledge that he will leave no matter what, and you will presumably get someone who will replace him. It's hard when colleagues you're friendly with leave, but then you say that you weren't that close? Maybe the next manager will be just as supportive.

I wonder if you are conflating romantic feelings with something else? Like being attached to him as a first proper mentor?
I suppose I always feared it which might sound a bit odd but I’m being honest.

I think there’s definitely an element of him being a first mentor that makes things harder, like I feel so supported/protected by him etc just because he’s so conscientious and the way that he works. Ive never known that level of support before. It’s like my personality traits were valued by him (being introverted, thinking a lot/ reflective as opposed to proactive), the same ones which weren’t so valued by other mentors and managers who all seem very cold in comparison.

Whatever ‘attachment’ it was its very strong. I’m usually very laid back but have been crying about once per day at night, last night I’m sure I went a bit mad I was in bed trying to get to sleep and started laughing at some of the stuff he did then it suddenly turned into intense crying and like a suffocating feeling cause he’s leaving. I think I’m going mad. I know there are much bigger issues in the world and that this is pathetic but I find it difficult lol.

Even the thought of staying in contact with him when he’s gone, a text once per month maybe makes me feel better. But he won’t see any reason too. He’s very minimalistic with social media and I don’t think he would want to.
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PhoenixFortune
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I suppose I always feared it which might sound a bit odd but I’m being honest.

I think there’s definitely an element of him being a first mentor that makes things harder, like I feel so supported/protected by him etc just because he’s so conscientious and the way that he works. Ive never known that level of support before. It’s like my personality traits were valued by him (being introverted, thinking a lot/ reflective as opposed to proactive), the same ones which weren’t so valued by other mentors and managers who all seem very cold in comparison.

Whatever ‘attachment’ it was its very strong. I’m usually very laid back but have been crying about once per day at night, last night I’m sure I went a bit mad I was in bed trying to get to sleep and started laughing at some of the stuff he did then it suddenly turned into intense crying and like a suffocating feeling cause he’s leaving. I think I’m going mad. I know there are much bigger issues in the world and that this is pathetic but I find it difficult lol.

Even the thought of staying in contact with him when he’s gone, a text once per month maybe makes me feel better. But he won’t see any reason too. He’s very minimalistic with social media and I don’t think he would want to.
Have you ever had such strong attachments to people before? Is there anyone you can talk to at your job about this?

You could ask him if you could stay in contact - the worst he can say is no. You could ask for his number rather than his socials.
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