Boyfriend depends on me and wants to live together but I want to break up

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cookies26
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Hello,
Over the last few months I’ve realised that it isn’t working between my long distance boyfriend of 3.5 years and me. I think I still love him, but I don’t think we are compatible, and I don’t see a future with him sadly.

I know I have to break up with him soon, but the problem is that I'm so worried about how he'll cope. He relies on me so much and that's one reason why I want to break up because I often feel like his mum rather than his partner.
We used to live together. I found that year incredibly difficult because I was studying (I had student finance) and he was working part time. He found it hard to find and keep a job, and was fired at his most stable job for getting angry with another colleague. For the majority of the year I was covering our rent and food bills. It was very difficult and I ended selling and borrowing off family members to keep us going. He wasn’t very proactive in taking some of the financial worry off me. It hurt my feelings at the time. I help him out financially now, but it is less so than when we lived together.
I don't mean to make myself sound like I'm the best thing since sliced bread, but you won't believe how much I help him out - it's exhausting and I feel drained. I don't feel like it's a partnership at all - I feel like I'm looking after him sometimes.
He has been taking care of his mother for the last two years, and we have been long distance. We haven’t seen each other very much because of COVID, but we talk everyday on the phone.
He means a lot to me, but I’ve realised we aren’t very compatible. When living together, he would often download dating apps, and I broke up with him one time after discovering them. It was so difficult, and I forgave him because he said he was going to kill himself and that scared me. I care about him a lot, but I’m so worried about how this breakup will affect him.
I know he wants to live together again, but I don’t think I can do that again. But, I don’t want to hurt him like that. He doesn’t have a lot of caring family members and has no qualifications, and caring for his mother for the last 2 years has made him very demotivated with life.

If we were to live together, I know I would need to pay all the rent as he doesn't have a job currently. He would look for jobs, but sometimes I felt he could have looked a bit harder in the past, but didn’t as he knows I'll cover the rent. This is why I know I need to break up with him, but I’m afraid at what his future may be like. I want to help him as much as possible, but I don’t think I continue with the relationship like this.

He keeps mentioning that we will live together once I get a new grad job and I try and change the subject as I know we won't be living together. It’s only the finances, but I found living together very difficult because we argued more and my confidence was incredibly low after seeing his apps.

He's not had the best of lives and recently told me he's so glad he has me as everyone he knows leaves him at some point. This killed me He hasn’t had a good card in life at all, and has had to struggle a lot. Also if we break up, his family isn’t in a good financial state and he cannot get a job whilst taking care of his mum as she may lose some of her benefits.
I feel sick every time I think about breaking up with him because it was destroy him. He is so kind and sweet, but does have a temper sometimes. But surely I can't be the one for him if the feeling isn't mutual?

I would love to stay in touch with him and help him out as much as possible as friend, but I don’t know if that would be possible

I just don't know how to end it without badly hurting him. I know it's not fair on either of us to stay together when one of us doesn't see it working out, but I know that he is in a bad position at the moment and I think this may really badly affect his mental health.
I was thinking, what if we were to live together, but not as a couple? Has anyone tried that before? That way he would gain some savings and make a better future for himself. I only want the best for him, but I don’t know if that includes me romantically.

Sorry for the long rambling post. Does anyone maybe have any advice or has been in the same situation?

Thanks.
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Trinculo
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Rather you than me. There's no easy way out of this one.
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royalmilotic
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He sounds manipulative and childish, (not to be nasty or judgmental). It sounds incredibly dodgy that he threatens you with killing himself plus saying everyone around him leaves. And yes you are acting like his mother. You could definitely do better even solo. Also, if he says he's going to kill himself if you breakup, I bet 100% he won't do it. It's something people say if they know you're compassionate to manipulate you into staying. It's not caring to put stress on you like that, and if you're not happy he should find that most important. Sounds like you've given him a lot of chances. Good luck
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jumbojim56877
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i think you should go for it and explain its not working out, the fact he basically cheatd and has the audacity to say he's going to ki$% himself is just out of order. I would've left him then and there. I feel bad for him and he probably will be hurt but its best If you just tell him and say you're not compatible and that you still could be freidns and you are willing to help him
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anosmianAcrimony
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This is an incredibly difficult situation to be in. I think you will have to bite the bullet and break up with him. If you don’t see a future with him, it’s not fair to let things continue. Being in a relationship mainly out of pity and to care for someone is not a healthy dynamic, and you will end up resenting each other.

At the point where you have decided there is no future and that you want to break up with him, it’s kindest to do it as soon as possible. There will never be a good time for it - just get it done.

As the poster above said - threatening to harm one’s self if you break up with them is a classic ploy used by manipulative people. I’m not suggesting this guy necessarily is manipulative, but it wasn’t fair of him to say that. And at the end of the day, you cannot be held responsible, or made responsible, for his decisions.

This is a situation which may leave you with some significant emotional trauma, and quite possibly already has. Once it’s all over, you could very reasonably think of seeking some therapy to be able to talk it through with someone objectively. This will help it not have any lingering effects on any future relationships you may have. Just a thought.

I hope it all goes as well as it possibly can.
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royalmilotic
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(Original post by cookies26)
Hello,
Over the last few months I’ve realised that it isn’t working between my long distance boyfriend of 3.5 years and me. I think I still love him, but I don’t think we are compatible, and I don’t see a future with him sadly.

I know I have to break up with him soon, but the problem is that I'm so worried about how he'll cope. He relies on me so much and that's one reason why I want to break up because I often feel like his mum rather than his partner.
We used to live together. I found that year incredibly difficult because I was studying (I had student finance) and he was working part time. He found it hard to find and keep a job, and was fired at his most stable job for getting angry with another colleague. For the majority of the year I was covering our rent and food bills. It was very difficult and I ended selling and borrowing off family members to keep us going. He wasn’t very proactive in taking some of the financial worry off me. It hurt my feelings at the time. I help him out financially now, but it is less so than when we lived together.
I don't mean to make myself sound like I'm the best thing since sliced bread, but you won't believe how much I help him out - it's exhausting and I feel drained. I don't feel like it's a partnership at all - I feel like I'm looking after him sometimes.
He has been taking care of his mother for the last two years, and we have been long distance. We haven’t seen each other very much because of COVID, but we talk everyday on the phone.
He means a lot to me, but I’ve realised we aren’t very compatible. When living together, he would often download dating apps, and I broke up with him one time after discovering them. It was so difficult, and I forgave him because he said he was going to kill himself and that scared me. I care about him a lot, but I’m so worried about how this breakup will affect him.
I know he wants to live together again, but I don’t think I can do that again. But, I don’t want to hurt him like that. He doesn’t have a lot of caring family members and has no qualifications, and caring for his mother for the last 2 years has made him very demotivated with life.

If we were to live together, I know I would need to pay all the rent as he doesn't have a job currently. He would look for jobs, but sometimes I felt he could have looked a bit harder in the past, but didn’t as he knows I'll cover the rent. This is why I know I need to break up with him, but I’m afraid at what his future may be like. I want to help him as much as possible, but I don’t think I continue with the relationship like this.

He keeps mentioning that we will live together once I get a new grad job and I try and change the subject as I know we won't be living together. It’s only the finances, but I found living together very difficult because we argued more and my confidence was incredibly low after seeing his apps.

He's not had the best of lives and recently told me he's so glad he has me as everyone he knows leaves him at some point. This killed me He hasn’t had a good card in life at all, and has had to struggle a lot. Also if we break up, his family isn’t in a good financial state and he cannot get a job whilst taking care of his mum as she may lose some of her benefits.
I feel sick every time I think about breaking up with him because it was destroy him. He is so kind and sweet, but does have a temper sometimes. But surely I can't be the one for him if the feeling isn't mutual?

I would love to stay in touch with him and help him out as much as possible as friend, but I don’t know if that would be possible

I just don't know how to end it without badly hurting him. I know it's not fair on either of us to stay together when one of us doesn't see it working out, but I know that he is in a bad position at the moment and I think this may really badly affect his mental health.
I was thinking, what if we were to live together, but not as a couple? Has anyone tried that before? That way he would gain some savings and make a better future for himself. I only want the best for him, but I don’t know if that includes me romantically.

Sorry for the long rambling post. Does anyone maybe have any advice or has been in the same situation?

Thanks.
Also I think he might be planning to depend on you for life is my gut feeling
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Surnia
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How old is he?

The saying about you can't help those who don't help themselves very much applies here. He had time before and since meeting you to get qualifications and a job; it's not your responsibility to push him to do this, or manage his finances or sort out his family being on benefits. Plenty of people have a poor start in life, but make something of themselves.

If you live together again, he's bringing nothing to the situation and will just rely on you again for support. How could he make savings without a job? If you are paying for rent, food and bills, but he has no income, he's saving nothing. He's using and manipulating you, financially and emotionally, and it sounds like he's quite happily continue to do so. You should be able to spend your money on what you want, and it won't do your mental health any good staying with him in any form; you'll be angry and resentful, and that's not goid If he is volatile. If you are scared of his temper, meet in a public place to break up, or do it over the phone. Block him and don't respond to any new accounts or messages. You need to look after yourself.
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PrettymuchGod
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The longer this goes on the worse it will get. Make sure you break up with him as gently as possible and let his family know beforehand so they can be there for him.
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EU Yakov
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i know nothing about the guy but it sounds like he's making excuses. shame you got involved with him to begin with.

also sorry but two things cannot be excused:
1 downloading dating apps ie talking to other women WHILE LIVING WITH YOU???
2 not finding another job or offering to help you out with housework finances etc

those things have nothing to do with him having a rough life. even someone with the roughest life has no excuse when it comes to them. theyre *****y and each is enough of a reason to break up.

it sounds like the only way is up for your dating life. the next guy you meet is guaranteed to be better than this dude
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EU Yakov
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also who cares about him saying that hes gonna kill himself lol why are ppl focusing on that when this guy is just a useless sack of **** in general
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anosmianAcrimony
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(Original post by Surnia)
How old is he?

The saying about you can't help those who don't help themselves very much applies here. He had time before and since meeting you to get qualifications and a job; it's not your responsibility to push him to do this, or manage his finances or sort out his family being on benefits. Plenty of people have a poor start in life, but make something of themselves.

If you live together again, he's bringing nothing to the situation and will just rely on you again for support. How could he make savings without a job? If you are paying for rent, food and bills, but he has no income, he's saving nothing. He's using and manipulating you, financially and emotionally, and it sounds like he's quite happily continue to do so. You should be able to spend your money on what you want, and it won't do your mental health any good staying with him in any form; you'll be angry and resentful, and that's not goid If he is volatile. If you are scared of his temper, meet in a public place to break up, or do it over the phone. Block him and don't respond to any new accounts or messages. You need to look after yourself.
^^^ PRSOM, this is good advice.
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Debs25
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He sounds immature and damaged. He needs counselling and time alone to sort himself out as he's clearly not ready for a mature, committed relationship. The fact that he was fired from a job for getting angry with a colleague, suggests he has anger issues which could affect your relationship.
It sounds as though you don't want to end it with him as you feel sorry for him. He's playing the victim and manipulating you. I think you should end it as soon as possible. You deserve better and he really does need help.
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anosmianAcrimony
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(Original post by EU Yakov)
also who cares about him saying that hes gonna kill himself lol why are ppl focusing on that when this guy is just a useless sack of **** in general
It’s very reasonable and in fact admirable to care about another person’s welfare. Also, there is such a thing as a trauma bond - that people who go through **** together often find themselves more tightly bound together, even if their being together was what produced the ****. It’s a cousin phenomenon to Stockholm syndrome.

I do agree with the broad strokes of your other comment, though. He has acted inexcusably, and the best step now is to end the relationship.
Last edited by anosmianAcrimony; 1 month ago
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proveniences
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you know theres external help he can reach out to.. like charities to help him get by. Link him some help, tell him people you know that could help. he cant leech off you no more. he can only learn and grow by being on his own and realising oh **** i better start fixing my life, getting a job again and being able to provide. then over time he wil regret how he treated u.

sometimes people learn the hard way.
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Anonymous #1
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I can tell you are ready to leave but feel very guilty and responsible, and wedged into a corner with his threats. You must have a strong empathy complex or you wouldn't be his 'mum' like figure.

My suggestion is act soon and it will probably help you to be more confident if you have people supporting you: eg your friends and family if you let them know and share your worries, they will reassure you did the right thing and be aware of any potential risks to you. People who threaten sui**** it's really hard and scary to deal with those moments but it's mostly bluffing as they don't know what else to do to get you to care or stick around. But he will most likely end up dealing with it, just make sure to protect yourself as in some cases the stronger person ends up getting dragged down with the other one.
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MidMidnight
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Start a conversation with him. Tell him your thoughts. And hopefully there's going to be understandings and agreements on your issues
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cookies26
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Thank you for all your comments. I know I must do this. It's hard because...he has been mentioning living together for so long. I used to want it too, but after some reflection and hindsight, I realised I'm a lot happier living with my parents or alone than when we lived together.

It's also hard because I feel like I've ruined his life. He has waiting for change for so long. He hasn't been able to do much over the last 2 years, because he has been caring for his mother, but he doesn't want to stay in that position anymore. He wants to get out and work, and make money. I want that for him too. I want to support him. But I don't think I can go on doing that as his girlfriend, but rather his friend.

He is my first boyfriend too, and it's been quite hard. I'm so worried about his reaction, and what this will do to his mental health, because I know, living with me is his way out of living with mother. I know that to him, living with me is a way out of his current situation. I want to help him, and be there to support him.

But, I think he is more suited to someone else. I think I'm too uptight and stressed too, and I've gotten very mad over things like finances in the past. This stress of university work and finances and caring for someone else was too much, and I became someone I'm not. That experience has changed me, and I don't want to revisit that.

I know what the right thing to do is...but I don't want to hurt him I don't know what this will do to his mental health. I don't know what he will do next in life if I end things, because I think he is building a plan in his mind
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royalmilotic
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(Original post by MidMidnight)
Start a conversation with him. Tell him your thoughts. And hopefully there's going to be understandings and agreements on your issues
Honestly BF doesn't sound like an understanding person. OP has probably tried this
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cookies26
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(Original post by Surnia)
How old is he?

The saying about you can't help those who don't help themselves very much applies here. He had time before and since meeting you to get qualifications and a job; it's not your responsibility to push him to do this, or manage his finances or sort out his family being on benefits. Plenty of people have a poor start in life, but make something of themselves.

If you live together again, he's bringing nothing to the situation and will just rely on you again for support. How could he make savings without a job? If you are paying for rent, food and bills, but he has no income, he's saving nothing. He's using and manipulating you, financially and emotionally, and it sounds like he's quite happily continue to do so. You should be able to spend your money on what you want, and it won't do your mental health any good staying with him in any form; you'll be angry and resentful, and that's not goid If he is volatile. If you are scared of his temper, meet in a public place to break up, or do it over the phone. Block him and don't respond to any new accounts or messages. You need to look after yourself.
He is 24. I wish it was that easy. I don't know, I'm finding it so difficult to even talk about not living together with him
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MidMidnight
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I see *hug*
I hope things will work well for you though
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