VERY VERY LONG POST - friend being rude/disrespectful

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Anonymous #1
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Report Thread starter 1 month ago
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Super sorry this is extremely long
There's a lot to explain about a simple feeling of just being annoyed with someone 😅 My main thing is I'm frustrated that my friend is annoyed that I don't wanna be in pictures but I also don't wanna deal with the tension if I stand my ground (bc there will be, based on previous times I've tried not to be in them).

So I'm gonna use J + P to differentiate between who I'm talking about.

So J is coming up to see me and another friend (P) this weekend, and I've not been looking forward to it anyway because I'm stressed with finances (it's basically a weekend to go out for food, drinks, bars). And in general I've been feeling quite low, but I am still going because P has finished 3rd year so it's sort of like a last time/celebration type thing and I don't wanna ruin it/I just want her to have a good time.

Me and P have been stressing with planning it because booking places is quite difficult and we kept reaching out to J to help us but she kept saying "oh no you guys can do it, I know you'll plan something great". And when we did it all, we told her the plan.
Then we wake up to this long message from J of a bunch of other plans that "we should look into". And some of the things I had already told J on the video call we had when explaining the plans that we wouldn't be able to do them and they wouldn't be worth the money.
Me and P definitely felt like it was a slap in the face since we had spent literally hours planning it and then it was like J didn't care about helping until they heard the plan and so I guess it wasn't "good enough"
So that's annoyed me and there's just been a bunch of things with J that are making me much worse with doing this weekend, it's really affected my mental health which sounds dumb I know but that wasn't really the biggest thing I was upset about.
When we were on the vid chat telling J about the plans, I mentioned that I didn't wanna take pictures (as in I don't want to be in them) but I'd still take pictures of those 2 together
I mean I know I have to be in some because it is P's last big thing here - I had said this all to P earlier and she was okay with it
J's response on the video chat was "NO, we're doing what I'm doing, we always take pictures, we always do what I say" (she genuinely said this but I didn't want to make things super tense, and she basically said it in a whiny type way rather than just being short with me if that makes sense)
So I said "yeah exactly we always do what you wanna do, I just wanna be able to do what I want" (and within this sentence was her shouting over me repeating we always do what she wants and then she also said I never do what she wants? So I said I always do what you want.

And it's not like I said none of us take pictures, I simply said I didn't really want to be in them. Anyway she used the excuse that because she's the one coming up to so "she's the guest" which means we have to do everything she wants (which is kinda contradictory since she didn't want any part of the planning the weekend until after). And then P tried diffusing it saying "well technically we're all the guest because we're all staying in the hotel" 😂

But the reason it's affecting me so much is because it's the extent that J takes photos. It's probably over 100 we have to take before we leave to go out (so when we're all dressed up) - I'm okay with a couple but she's extreme to keep taking them
And then when we're actually out, I can't eat my food or drink my drink until she's taken the perfect photo and then she does the thing of filming the food/drinks then to our faces that we have to smile. It's very cringe and normally I go along with it but once it was too much so I just wouldn't do what she wanted, like I was just taking the piss out of it but she kept saying "noooo do a proper one" and eventually I just do it bc it's tiring to stand my ground. Oh yeah it's also for every single round, the pictures and videos. It's just too much for me personally, and I'm quite anxious in public and people do stare (especially since she puts flash on) and bc I've been really anxious in general lately I know that's gonna affect me a lot more that I'm suffering more than normal rn.

Anyway, so normally I do just go along with it because even when I try, J's just so persistent and I'm in a bad mental state rn knowing that I have to face that. It's easy to say that I should just stand my ground but I don't want to make things tense for P (and it deffo would get tense bc J is soooo persistent and would be offended I'm not doing what she wants). But I have told P I'm not gonna stand for it so she is aware. But everyone kind of sees it that I'm saying it in a jokey way and it's not gonna be taken seriously until it does get to that tense situation unfortunately. And I really want to avoid a tense situation because I just hate that and also I'm spending the whole of Friday-Saturday with them so if it gets tense because of that, J is quite stubborn and it'll be this horrible atmosphere.

On top of this, J tried to invite herself to my house after this weekend and to show her around where I live and so she can keep me company? (I'm going back on Sat to my actual home bc parents are at work when electrician is coming). I kinda hate when people invite themselves to my house, and I really hate having people around mine bc I feel this massive pressure to host.
Anyway, I was being polite just saying well I have to be in all day bc he's coming between 9am-5pm so she goes well yeah we (her + P) can keep you company
So then I make a joke that I've been alone in the house before. After each of my replies she kept persisting, she literally said And??? and then she said so???. And then I said it wouldn't be fair for them to have to pay for the train there + back + bus tickets and I would also have to get bus tickets - then I used this to mention this weekend I'm gonna save money by having soft drinks (instead of the usual cocktails).
And just because I said I wanted to save money and not get a proper cocktail
She goes
"Aww (my name), omg, we don't have to go out at all then we can just chill in the hotel"

I just thought it was a bit rude and disrespectful? Since me and P had told her it took us ages to book places, it's just not fair. And I was pissed off and thought it was way over the top of her reaction to me saying I'm saving money - I wasn't looking or needing any sympathy. And to cancel everything because of that? Then things would be my fault of not doing what we planned? Idk it really rubbed me the wrong way.

And this links with earlier with the photos of drinks etc (and also her proposed plan was her saying about finding a nice brunch place and things like that) - she basically just wants to be able to take photos for her insta with the cocktails, the places we go etc. And her saying to cancel everything was bc I might just get soft drinks meaning her pic wouldn't look as nice - that's the basis of it. And I know this because I know what she's like.

I just don't want it to be this over the top thing (like me saying I'm saving money) of me not being in pics (even if I was in them and asked her not to post any with me would make her annoyed) - and yeah it's just a simple thing I'm wanting but it's gonna turn into this massive thing of there must be something wrong with me. To be fair, in the past I do take photos and I'm okay with them being put up but I'm not feeling like that now, and I have said it in advance, it's not like I'm springing it on her on the day.

I'm just really stressed and just needed to vent about it. I know it's going to be this big thing if I stand my ground on it but I'm so tired and I just want to feel in control of something that's affecting my mental health.

The only thing I can think of doing to not have tension but also not conform to what she wants is to try and take the piss and take a huge thing of my food before she can get a picture and to drink my drink when I get it enough that on a picture you'd be able to tell.
If anyone has any other ideas pleaseeee tell me 😂
I want it to all be nice for P but idk if I can do it anymore to just do whatever J wants.

All I want is to eat my food and drink my drink when it's served without having a camera pushed into my face being told to smile. I know it's simple to say just suck it up and do it, it's only 2 days, but I'm at a breaking point.
Also, am I overreacting about anything? I've talked to a lot of other friends about it and they think she's being really pushy and rude.

I'm probably going to distance myself from her for a bit after this is all over because even if it all ends up fine, I feel like how she's acted now has been rude and disrespectful to both me and P. If you got this far on here - damnnnn but also thank you 😂
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sabrina03x
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My honest advice? Tell J that you both happen to be busy that time because something suddenly came up and just go enjoy your time with P and do what the two of you planned to do (obviously if P is willing to do that).

I get someone wanting to take photos and stuff but that sounds like a bit much and it's completely understandable if you are not really one for photos. Especially with some of the comments you said she made, I can see why it's annoying.

Do what you wanna do, otherwise you are just gonna be miserable and that's not fair on you if she's not willing to make compromises (especially compromises over quite silly stuff that she could easily agree to).
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nononotmyname_
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Super sorry this is extremely long
There's a lot to explain about a simple feeling of just being annoyed with someone 😅 My main thing is I'm frustrated that my friend is annoyed that I don't wanna be in pictures but I also don't wanna deal with the tension if I stand my ground (bc there will be, based on previous times I've tried not to be in them).

So I'm gonna use J + P to differentiate between who I'm talking about.

So J is coming up to see me and another friend (P) this weekend, and I've not been looking forward to it anyway because I'm stressed with finances (it's basically a weekend to go out for food, drinks, bars). And in general I've been feeling quite low, but I am still going because P has finished 3rd year so it's sort of like a last time/celebration type thing and I don't wanna ruin it/I just want her to have a good time.

Me and P have been stressing with planning it because booking places is quite difficult and we kept reaching out to J to help us but she kept saying "oh no you guys can do it, I know you'll plan something great". And when we did it all, we told her the plan.
Then we wake up to this long message from J of a bunch of other plans that "we should look into". And some of the things I had already told J on the video call we had when explaining the plans that we wouldn't be able to do them and they wouldn't be worth the money.
Me and P definitely felt like it was a slap in the face since we had spent literally hours planning it and then it was like J didn't care about helping until they heard the plan and so I guess it wasn't "good enough"
So that's annoyed me and there's just been a bunch of things with J that are making me much worse with doing this weekend, it's really affected my mental health which sounds dumb I know but that wasn't really the biggest thing I was upset about.
When we were on the vid chat telling J about the plans, I mentioned that I didn't wanna take pictures (as in I don't want to be in them) but I'd still take pictures of those 2 together
I mean I know I have to be in some because it is P's last big thing here - I had said this all to P earlier and she was okay with it
J's response on the video chat was "NO, we're doing what I'm doing, we always take pictures, we always do what I say" (she genuinely said this but I didn't want to make things super tense, and she basically said it in a whiny type way rather than just being short with me if that makes sense)
So I said "yeah exactly we always do what you wanna do, I just wanna be able to do what I want" (and within this sentence was her shouting over me repeating we always do what she wants and then she also said I never do what she wants? So I said I always do what you want.

And it's not like I said none of us take pictures, I simply said I didn't really want to be in them. Anyway she used the excuse that because she's the one coming up to so "she's the guest" which means we have to do everything she wants (which is kinda contradictory since she didn't want any part of the planning the weekend until after). And then P tried diffusing it saying "well technically we're all the guest because we're all staying in the hotel" 😂

But the reason it's affecting me so much is because it's the extent that J takes photos. It's probably over 100 we have to take before we leave to go out (so when we're all dressed up) - I'm okay with a couple but she's extreme to keep taking them
And then when we're actually out, I can't eat my food or drink my drink until she's taken the perfect photo and then she does the thing of filming the food/drinks then to our faces that we have to smile. It's very cringe and normally I go along with it but once it was too much so I just wouldn't do what she wanted, like I was just taking the piss out of it but she kept saying "noooo do a proper one" and eventually I just do it bc it's tiring to stand my ground. Oh yeah it's also for every single round, the pictures and videos. It's just too much for me personally, and I'm quite anxious in public and people do stare (especially since she puts flash on) and bc I've been really anxious in general lately I know that's gonna affect me a lot more that I'm suffering more than normal rn.

Anyway, so normally I do just go along with it because even when I try, J's just so persistent and I'm in a bad mental state rn knowing that I have to face that. It's easy to say that I should just stand my ground but I don't want to make things tense for P (and it deffo would get tense bc J is soooo persistent and would be offended I'm not doing what she wants). But I have told P I'm not gonna stand for it so she is aware. But everyone kind of sees it that I'm saying it in a jokey way and it's not gonna be taken seriously until it does get to that tense situation unfortunately. And I really want to avoid a tense situation because I just hate that and also I'm spending the whole of Friday-Saturday with them so if it gets tense because of that, J is quite stubborn and it'll be this horrible atmosphere.

On top of this, J tried to invite herself to my house after this weekend and to show her around where I live and so she can keep me company? (I'm going back on Sat to my actual home bc parents are at work when electrician is coming). I kinda hate when people invite themselves to my house, and I really hate having people around mine bc I feel this massive pressure to host.
Anyway, I was being polite just saying well I have to be in all day bc he's coming between 9am-5pm so she goes well yeah we (her + P) can keep you company
So then I make a joke that I've been alone in the house before. After each of my replies she kept persisting, she literally said And??? and then she said so???. And then I said it wouldn't be fair for them to have to pay for the train there + back + bus tickets and I would also have to get bus tickets - then I used this to mention this weekend I'm gonna save money by having soft drinks (instead of the usual cocktails).
And just because I said I wanted to save money and not get a proper cocktail
She goes
"Aww (my name), omg, we don't have to go out at all then we can just chill in the hotel"

I just thought it was a bit rude and disrespectful? Since me and P had told her it took us ages to book places, it's just not fair. And I was pissed off and thought it was way over the top of her reaction to me saying I'm saving money - I wasn't looking or needing any sympathy. And to cancel everything because of that? Then things would be my fault of not doing what we planned? Idk it really rubbed me the wrong way.

And this links with earlier with the photos of drinks etc (and also her proposed plan was her saying about finding a nice brunch place and things like that) - she basically just wants to be able to take photos for her insta with the cocktails, the places we go etc. And her saying to cancel everything was bc I might just get soft drinks meaning her pic wouldn't look as nice - that's the basis of it. And I know this because I know what she's like.

I just don't want it to be this over the top thing (like me saying I'm saving money) of me not being in pics (even if I was in them and asked her not to post any with me would make her annoyed) - and yeah it's just a simple thing I'm wanting but it's gonna turn into this massive thing of there must be something wrong with me. To be fair, in the past I do take photos and I'm okay with them being put up but I'm not feeling like that now, and I have said it in advance, it's not like I'm springing it on her on the day.

I'm just really stressed and just needed to vent about it. I know it's going to be this big thing if I stand my ground on it but I'm so tired and I just want to feel in control of something that's affecting my mental health.

The only thing I can think of doing to not have tension but also not conform to what she wants is to try and take the piss and take a huge thing of my food before she can get a picture and to drink my drink when I get it enough that on a picture you'd be able to tell.
If anyone has any other ideas pleaseeee tell me 😂
I want it to all be nice for P but idk if I can do it anymore to just do whatever J wants.

All I want is to eat my food and drink my drink when it's served without having a camera pushed into my face being told to smile. I know it's simple to say just suck it up and do it, it's only 2 days, but I'm at a breaking point.
Also, am I overreacting about anything? I've talked to a lot of other friends about it and they think she's being really pushy and rude.

I'm probably going to distance myself from her for a bit after this is all over because even if it all ends up fine, I feel like how she's acted now has been rude and disrespectful to both me and P. If you got this far on here - damnnnn but also thank you 😂
Hey!

Firstly I don't think you're out of order by being annoyed. Not everyone likes their pictures being taken and just because we're part of a society that largely enjoys posing and taking snaps it doesn't mean you have to participate.

With that being said, the easiest way to try keep the peace (which I'm assuming you want to do to have an enjoyable weekend and keep your mental health as stable as possible) may be by getting a disposable camera and telling her that you will get in those pictures as they are candid and memories of the night rather than posed for going on social media. Plus it helps that they are currently on trend!

Money wise, it is so hard to talk about with friends, it feels like a taboo topic but well done you for being able to be honest with your friends about your financial status! Don't let your friend J put you down about it and stick within your means as you said.

Finally, the elephant in the room! J! She appears to be a friend that you have kept for convenience rather than for her company. She seems to be being incredibly pushy and expectant of you to cater to her every wish. That is not what a friend does, we all have to do things we're not comfortable with - like you said you do with her constant flash photography, but not at the expense of your mental health!

I hope it gets sorted and you have a fun weekend! I also hope my suggestions help x
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Anonymous #1
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Report Thread starter 1 month ago
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(Original post by sabrina03x)
My honest advice? Tell J that you both happen to be busy that time because something suddenly came up and just go enjoy your time with P and do what the two of you planned to do (obviously if P is willing to do that).

I get someone wanting to take photos and stuff but that sounds like a bit much and it's completely understandable if you are not really one for photos. Especially with some of the comments you said she made, I can see why it's annoying.

Do what you wanna do, otherwise you are just gonna be miserable and that's not fair on you if she's not willing to make compromises (especially compromises over quite silly stuff that she could easily agree to).
Unfortunately P wouldn't want to do that as because she wants to spend time with all of us together and then the hotel has already been booked as well, plus J definitely wouldn't believe it 😅
Yeah I agree that she could easily be okay with what I'm saying, I find it really strange that she's obviously aware that we always do what she wants yet she doesn't see an issue with it.

Thank you for reading all this, it's so long so I really appreciate it!

(Original post by nononotmyname_)
Hey!

Firstly I don't think you're out of order by being annoyed. Not everyone likes their pictures being taken and just because we're part of a society that largely enjoys posing and taking snaps it doesn't mean you have to participate.

With that being said, the easiest way to try keep the peace (which I'm assuming you want to do to have an enjoyable weekend and keep your mental health as stable as possible) may be by getting a disposable camera and telling her that you will get in those pictures as they are candid and memories of the night rather than posed for going on social media. Plus it helps that they are currently on trend!

Money wise, it is so hard to talk about with friends, it feels like a taboo topic but well done you for being able to be honest with your friends about your financial status! Don't let your friend J put you down about it and stick within your means as you said.

Finally, the elephant in the room! J! She appears to be a friend that you have kept for convenience rather than for her company. She seems to be being incredibly pushy and expectant of you to cater to her every wish. That is not what a friend does, we all have to do things we're not comfortable with - like you said you do with her constant flash photography, but not at the expense of your mental health!

I hope it gets sorted and you have a fun weekend! I also hope my suggestions help x
The disposable camera sounds good, but I know she wouldn't go for it. Thing is if I compromised and said she can do all of it but I don't want any up on insta/snap with me in it, she'd still have a problem with it. Because she wants to show off she's with people and what she's doing.
She has a polaroid thing but me and P absolutely hate it because it just washes us out and J will still take loads 😅 Honestly I might just order water because it's free but she's going to be annoyed at that too. How can someone say they're your friend when they only care about everyone doing what they want.

When she didn't get what she wanted with her trying to change the plan, her response was oh okay, whatever then.
Just because she doesn't get her way, it's just a bit childish.

Thank you! I really appreciate the suggestions, I think in the end I will just have to stand my ground and if she's gonna use that to make it tense I don't think that's my fault. And usually I'll say things light heartedly to diffuse things but that doesn't mean I should be completely ignored, which is why she'll keep pushing it and then I have to make the decision in my head that if I stand my ground it'll be tension because she's pushed it so much if that makes sense?

Wish me luck for tomorrow! I'm so nervous 😅 I'm tempted to take my anxiety meds anyway because it's like the busiest weekend in town since uni finishes tomorrow and I get so anxious around lots of people which will be a lot worse if she's taking 20-30 photos in restaurants and bars. Plus it'll give me a reason not to drink, which she still won't accept but then there's nothing she can do about it.
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nononotmyname_
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Unfortunately P wouldn't want to do that as because she wants to spend time with all of us together and then the hotel has already been booked as well, plus J definitely wouldn't believe it 😅
Yeah I agree that she could easily be okay with what I'm saying, I find it really strange that she's obviously aware that we always do what she wants yet she doesn't see an issue with it.

Thank you for reading all this, it's so long so I really appreciate it!


The disposable camera sounds good, but I know she wouldn't go for it. Thing is if I compromised and said she can do all of it but I don't want any up on insta/snap with me in it, she'd still have a problem with it. Because she wants to show off she's with people and what she's doing.
She has a polaroid thing but me and P absolutely hate it because it just washes us out and J will still take loads 😅 Honestly I might just order water because it's free but she's going to be annoyed at that too. How can someone say they're your friend when they only care about everyone doing what they want.

When she didn't get what she wanted with her trying to change the plan, her response was oh okay, whatever then.
Just because she doesn't get her way, it's just a bit childish.

Thank you! I really appreciate the suggestions, I think in the end I will just have to stand my ground and if she's gonna use that to make it tense I don't think that's my fault. And usually I'll say things light heartedly to diffuse things but that doesn't mean I should be completely ignored, which is why she'll keep pushing it and then I have to make the decision in my head that if I stand my ground it'll be tension because she's pushed it so much if that makes sense?

Wish me luck for tomorrow! I'm so nervous 😅 I'm tempted to take my anxiety meds anyway because it's like the busiest weekend in town since uni finishes tomorrow and I get so anxious around lots of people which will be a lot worse if she's taking 20-30 photos in restaurants and bars. Plus it'll give me a reason not to drink, which she still won't accept but then there's nothing she can do about it.
Good Luck!

I'm sure you'll smash it but remember to prioritise yourself and your mental health as it appears that she doesn't care too much about the impact her actions are having on you.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by nononotmyname_)
Good Luck!

I'm sure you'll smash it but remember to prioritise yourself and your mental health as it appears that she doesn't care too much about the impact her actions are having on you.
Thank you!

So it's happened. I managed to get out of being there Sat/Sun because I knew it'd better for me (so I only went to what we were doing on Friday). I had to tell a bit of a lie (not fully, my parents needed me to come home anyway, it just didn't have to be this weekend). I know it shouldn't be something I should feel to lie about but I know they wouldn't really accept it.
It went okay in a sense of like I didn't enjoy it but it was okay to deal with. It was manageable-ish.
It actually was quite lucky for me because J always takes 100+ pics before we leave after getting ready - but this time we ran so late we had to get ready and go so phew 😅
And then at the first place we went to her phone was on like 30% - which isn't that bad, it's not like we'd get split up and it probably would've lasted, but idk she asked the staff if they could charge it for her and none of them had the right charger so she said she would go to the shop and buy one and they said they would charge it behind the bar. I don't think it was just so she could take pics at the next place, it was just a bit embarrassing for me since she was like begging the staff, idk they laughed about it but I'm quite socially anxious anyway and it seemed a lot.

Anyway, at the 2nd place she did want to take pics but funny story, I ripped my shorts at the front 😂 Luckily, the shorts overlapped there anyway and the seam that ripped just sort of holds it together but it wasn't necessary so you couldn't tell 😂 but anyway when she wanted to take pics she was asking me to get up and move so we could get pics in a certain lighting and I kept saying how I feel awkward taking pics in public/in a restaurant/bar and both J and P's reaction was "well I don't mind" and I was just like okay but I do and they were really trying to pressure me into it but I stood my ground but they only stopped pressuring when I just used the excuse that I didn't wanna get up and have to move around in case my shorts ripped more. But if I didn't have that as an excuse apparently not being uncomfortable isn't enough?
We still took pics but it was like I stayed where I was sat and then they swapped seats so we had pics of Me+J, Me+P then I took a pic of those 2. I still felt so uncomfortable but it was better than having to get up and stand to pose for a pic bc that's a lot more obvious/more people would look because I'd be standing in the way of the bar. I went quite anxious and quiet since they wanted to take pics and then through taking them and when I'm anxious I have a few things that happen and I was doing my anxious thing of my foot tapping and moving my fingers around a lot but they didn't really take notice, they just wanted their pics.
So I didn't enjoy it, to them they probably think I had a good time all night but I just do this thing where I can pretend like I'm completely fine - I don't mean to do it on purpose it's just been like that for like 10 years since I started having depression, it just happens automatically even if I'm really low.

But yeah, I left early and I didn't care at all about them doing stuff - as in, I usually get FOMO if my friends are doing something w/o me even if I've chosen not to be there but I didn't have it at all and I was like wow this really was a good thing for me. It did kind of annoy me though that they sent me some videos and pictures privately to me (not on their stories), idk to me I was like I don't wanna be involved anymore. And tbh from their perspective, they would be thinking I had a great time and upset I couldn't stay so if that was the case and they sent me all these things, I'd feel rubbish because I'd get proper FOMO and it would be like them rubbing it in my face.

Anyway, I'm super glad it's over. I'm sure that sounds bad but I am really really glad it's over. I just want to be on my own and not in a depressing way, I just like my own company so much more right now and this weekend gave me a lot of stress and put me a bit into a worse place mentally so I'm hoping I'll start getting better now.
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