Male friend won’t stop staring at me?

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Anonymous #1
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I’m in my second year of uni and have lived with my friends for almost two years: 2 guys and one girl. One of the guys is seriously socially awkward, let’s call him Ben, he has lived a sheltered life he’s a virgin and has never even kissed a girl, had no friends in his life before us, doesn’t really care about the way he looks (just wears hoodies doesn’t shower or do anything with his hair), had never drunk anything before us, has his parents do everything for him. I’m closer to the other boy and girl (let’s call them Max and Lisa) because we’ve had more similar things in common growing up as Ben is a bit of an outcast to society type thing. Ben has had severe depression the first year of uni so we were worried about him, but he’s a nice guy he’s just extremely sensitive and strange.

He doesn’t really know how to socialize normally with people his age either like he has said some cringe jokes infront if our friends which seem quite child-like for our age group (we are 20). The issue is him staring at me creepily, he will look me up and down and I don’t think realises that I can see it out of the corner of my eye. It doesn’t even matter what I’m wearing, like the other day me and Lisa were hanging out downstairs and Lisa had a revealing top and I had a normal T-Shirt with jeans and he immediately looked me up and down and didn’t look at Lisa at all! Lisa has bigger boobs than me and more of a attractive body than me so it’s just weird since I’m pretty flat.

Not only this, only yesterday we were at a restaurant and I had my head turned but at the corner of my eye I saw Ben slowly look me up and down really creepily - I had a hoodie on! He will also just stare at me blankly and I really hate it, gives me the creeps majorly and I don’t know if he realizes how obvious it is. Max has never once looked at me inappropriately but he always gets girls so maybe that’s why? Whereas Ben has never even kissed a girl or had any female attention. I don’t know if I’m paranoid because of these stares but our kitchen is super narrow and every time Ben passed me by he will turn his body inwards so it’s close to my back and I just hate how close he gets because I’m paranoid but it could just be cuz our kitchen is so narrow. I’ve talked to Lisa about it and she says she hasn’t seen him looking at me yet but it’s because she’s usually very distracted but has noticed how he hovers in the kitchen.

I don’t know what to do about it but it really grosses me out, i just know he would be extremely upset if he was called out and embarrassed and I wouldn’t want to cause him mental stress because he is a nice guy but it’s just so creepy.
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ANM775
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unfortunately without bringing this behavior up it is very unlikely to stop

no other way round it i'm afraid.

you have a choice to make. put up with the creepy stares ...or bring it up and hope that puts an end to it :dontknow:
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Old Skool Freak
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I don’t know what to do about it but it really grosses me out, i just know he would be extremely upset if he was called out and embarrassed and I wouldn’t want to cause him mental stress because he is a nice guy but it’s just so creepy.
I'll be blunt, you've got two choices:-

a) Tell him how it makes you feel,
b) Put up with his behaviour until you eventually go your separate ways.

Fair enough, he may get upset, but he'll benefit in the long run. In fact, there's a good chance he's completely oblivious to the effect it's having on you. Obviously there's a right way and a wrong way to go about this... personally, if I were you I would take him aside and say something along the lines of

"Ben, look... I've noticed the way you keep staring at me, and it makes me very uncomfortable. I think you're a good guy, but this makes me not want to be around you so-much. I would really appreciate it if you stopped doing it."

More important than the words you use, you need to get the tone right... think polite, but firm. Firm enough to know that this is a serious matter and need to be resolved, but polite enough to avoid a further confrontation and awkward household. If his behaviour doesn't change after that, then have another chat with him, but include Max and Lisa as witnesses.

Remember this old saying :-

if you want to have an omelette, you have to first beat eggs
If it were to carry on, then maybe that would be the time to get Max and Lisa involved as witnesses.
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CaptainDuckie
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I’m trying to think of the reasons he might be looking at you.... it’s obviously not a sexual look, but more of an interested or disgust look....

I don’t really know because you say that he doesn’t look at your friend but he looks at you. So due to the context of him being socially awkward, he might just not know how to look at people...

Chances also are that he might be doing it to strangers too. Maybe that’s just how he is.

I think raising the awareness in a way that’s non-confrontational will help him realise that eye contact can make people uncomfortable, this is not only a problem of yours but a life lesson for him to develop as an individual in society.
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The RAR
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(Original post by CaptainDuckie)
I’m trying to think of the reasons he might be looking at you.... it’s obviously not a sexual look, but more of an interested or disgust look....

I don’t really know because you say that he doesn’t look at your friend but he looks at you. So due to the context of him being socially awkward, he might just not know how to look at people...

Chances also are that he might be doing it to strangers too. Maybe that’s just how he is.

I think raising the awareness in a way that’s non-confrontational will help him realise that eye contact can make people uncomfortable, this is not only a problem of yours but a life lesson for him to develop as an individual in society.
I agree, from the sounds of it he just look at you out of interest/curiosity and he probably does it with other people too. No sexual or ill intent, but you can never be sure unless you ask him directly
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by CaptainDuckie)
I’m trying to think of the reasons he might be looking at you.... it’s obviously not a sexual look, but more of an interested or disgust look....

I don’t really know because you say that he doesn’t look at your friend but he looks at you. So due to the context of him being socially awkward, he might just not know how to look at people...

Chances also are that he might be doing it to strangers too. Maybe that’s just how he is.

I think raising the awareness in a way that’s non-confrontational will help him realise that eye contact can make people uncomfortable, this is not only a problem of yours but a life lesson for him to develop as an individual in society.
It is a sexual look though he will slowly look me up and down and sort of stare at my chest area which is super weird. I haven’t noticed him doing it to anyone else weirdly.
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wilooo
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maybe he just lost the ability to close his eyes lol
sorry im not being helpful ill leave
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CaptainDuckie
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(Original post by The RAR)
I agree, from the sounds of it he just look at you out of interest/curiosity and he probably does it with other people too. No sexual or ill intent, but you can never be sure unless you ask him directly

Exactly. He might just not know


(Original post by Anonymous)
It is a sexual look though he will slowly look me up and down and sort of stare at my chest area which is super weird. I haven’t noticed him doing it to anyone else weirdly.

Nah, I doubt it is. He probably only “sort of” stares at your chest area because in your mind that’s what you think he’s probably looking at. But in reality he’s just looking at you, just in a way that you’re not particularly used to because he’s socially awkward.

Anyways, still make sure you raise this awareness to him so that he knows how not to look at people in the future.


Tell him how you feel. Old Skool Freak has given you an example on how to speak to him.

Tone is important, don’t try humiliating him because he probably just doesn’t know.
Last edited by CaptainDuckie; 2 weeks ago
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Paolo3100
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tell max to speak to him nicely about it
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wiiparty
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maybe you could say in a jokingly way "why are you staring at me hahaha" and see how he responds. it might be easier to say it in a light-hearted way rather than being really serious to begin with
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Lucifer323
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I’m in my second year of uni and have lived with my friends for almost two years: 2 guys and one girl. One of the guys is seriously socially awkward, let’s call him Ben, he has lived a sheltered life he’s a virgin and has never even kissed a girl, had no friends in his life before us, doesn’t really care about the way he looks (just wears hoodies doesn’t shower or do anything with his hair), had never drunk anything before us, has his parents do everything for him. I’m closer to the other boy and girl (let’s call them Max and Lisa) because we’ve had more similar things in common growing up as Ben is a bit of an outcast to society type thing. Ben has had severe depression the first year of uni so we were worried about him, but he’s a nice guy he’s just extremely sensitive and strange.

He doesn’t really know how to socialize normally with people his age either like he has said some cringe jokes infront if our friends which seem quite child-like for our age group (we are 20). The issue is him staring at me creepily, he will look me up and down and I don’t think realises that I can see it out of the corner of my eye. It doesn’t even matter what I’m wearing, like the other day me and Lisa were hanging out downstairs and Lisa had a revealing top and I had a normal T-Shirt with jeans and he immediately looked me up and down and didn’t look at Lisa at all! Lisa has bigger boobs than me and more of a attractive body than me so it’s just weird since I’m pretty flat.

Not only this, only yesterday we were at a restaurant and I had my head turned but at the corner of my eye I saw Ben slowly look me up and down really creepily - I had a hoodie on! He will also just stare at me blankly and I really hate it, gives me the creeps majorly and I don’t know if he realizes how obvious it is. Max has never once looked at me inappropriately but he always gets girls so maybe that’s why? Whereas Ben has never even kissed a girl or had any female attention. I don’t know if I’m paranoid because of these stares but our kitchen is super narrow and every time Ben passed me by he will turn his body inwards so it’s close to my back and I just hate how close he gets because I’m paranoid but it could just be cuz our kitchen is so narrow. I’ve talked to Lisa about it and she says she hasn’t seen him looking at me yet but it’s because she’s usually very distracted but has noticed how he hovers in the kitchen.

I don’t know what to do about it but it really grosses me out, i just know he would be extremely upset if he was called out and embarrassed and I wouldn’t want to cause him mental stress because he is a nice guy but it’s just so creepy.
Wow!!
A guy looking at a girl...
That's something new!!
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Old Skool Freak
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(Original post by Paolo3100)
tell max to speak to him nicely about it
Bad idea.

They should try and sort it out between the two of them first. A guy getting involved in the first instance is more likely to get confrontational. Max will get protective over her, and Ben may get defensive, and may even thing "Why are you getting involved?",

If he persists after their initial talk, then I agree that maybe Max can get involved.... and by all means, she can make Max and Lisa aware that she's going to talk to him about it.

(Original post by wiiparty)
maybe you could say in a jokingly way "why are you staring at me hahaha" and see how he responds. it might be easier to say it in a light-hearted way rather than being really serious to begin with
No, the tone needs to be serious from the get-go.

What you're describing could easily be mistaken as some kind of flirting, and could easily be misinterpreted as validating his behaviour (erm remember she's already said that Ben doesn't have the best social skills). The sooner he gets the message, the sooner they can move past this.
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ScienceLover2001
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seems like you're living with an incel, he's probably posting about you on incels.is or looksmax.me as we speak
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Anonymous #2
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He sounds harmless
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SMEGGGY
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Is he salivating and licking his lips furiously as he looks you up n down?
Last edited by SMEGGGY; 1 week ago
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by SMEGGGY)
Is he salivating and licking his lips furiously as he looks you up n down?
It’s not funny tbh
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Chicken.M.
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Just tell him you don't like it. But be nice about it. You can ask him why he does it and try and understand when he explains, that will help him feel less threatened / attacked / etc.. And after he's done talking you can explain why it's awkward.

Btw, I'm autistic and have been in countless socially awkward situations and pissed people off without knowing why. I always tell people to explain in detail why they're mad at me so I learn for next time. He's probably on the spectrum as well.
Last edited by Chicken.M.; 1 week ago
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