Confused and scared about my sexual orientation

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FauxxHunni
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A few months ago I had this "sexual awaking," that has since made me question my sexuality more and more. I am a 18 year old female, and for many years of my life I have been attracted to guys. Ps: I have never been in a relationship/kissed a guy. One thing I have noticed throughout my life is that guys were never really attracted to me. I dress and usually act feminine, yet I have always appeared a bit "masculine" to guys (I am sure). I've struggled before with the idea that I wasn't girly enough. I've always disliked how masculinity has been defined in our world, and fueled by that I've always been the type to out do guys whenever I can. Growing up in a family of mostly males, I have always endured mansplanning and a feeling of being treated as though I am not equal. I don't hate all men, yet I have extremely high standards for guys that I feel deep down are unrealistic. Even though I have had high standards for guys, I still had crushes (that I now regret). Now, all of a sudden I am thinking about being with women, flirting with women, and I already have a "type" for masculine women. There are still some guys that I find attractive, yet now I can't see myself being with a guy/flirting with one. I am willing to accept who I am, but when I look back onto my past actions I feel like a fraud. This is making me confused and scared. Mostly, I feel like I don't know enough about being attracted to girls, and I feel like I won't fit in, so I have overwhelmed myself with information in an attempt to understand. This unfortunately, has only made me feel more confused and more isolated. When it comes to talking to the people around me about this, I don't entirely feel comfortable. There are a few people in my family who are homophobic, but I mostly care about my parents. My parents are rather open minded people, yet I fear that if I tell them without being in a relationship first, they won't believe me. There are a few people in my family who have been lesbian & bisexual; yet they're either dead or not very close to me. I am willing to do whatever it takes, for all I want to be is happy. With all this being said (I apologize for the jumble of words), I was wondering if anyone could give me some insight/advice; tell me how you figured out your sexuality, or tell me something along the lines of what steps I should take to better understand myself. Thank you for the help! <3
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twinklelittlstar
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(Original post by FauxxHunni)
A few months ago I had this "sexual awaking," that has since made me question my sexuality more and more. I am a 18 year old female, and for many years of my life I have been attracted to guys. Ps: I have never been in a relationship/kissed a guy. One thing I have noticed throughout my life is that guys were never really attracted to me. I dress and usually act feminine, yet I have always appeared a bit "masculine" to guys (I am sure). I've struggled before with the idea that I wasn't girly enough. I've always disliked how masculinity has been defined in our world, and fueled by that I've always been the type to out do guys whenever I can. Growing up in a family of mostly males, I have always endured mansplanning and a feeling of being treated as though I am not equal. I don't hate all men, yet I have extremely high standards for guys that I feel deep down are unrealistic. Even though I have had high standards for guys, I still had crushes (that I now regret). Now, all of a sudden I am thinking about being with women, flirting with women, and I already have a "type" for masculine women. There are still some guys that I find attractive, yet now I can't see myself being with a guy/flirting with one. I am willing to accept who I am, but when I look back onto my past actions I feel like a fraud. This is making me confused and scared. Mostly, I feel like I don't know enough about being attracted to girls, and I feel like I won't fit in, so I have overwhelmed myself with information in an attempt to understand. This unfortunately, has only made me feel more confused and more isolated. When it comes to talking to the people around me about this, I don't entirely feel comfortable. There are a few people in my family who are homophobic, but I mostly care about my parents. My parents are rather open minded people, yet I fear that if I tell them without being in a relationship first, they won't believe me. There are a few people in my family who have been lesbian & bisexual; yet they're either dead or not very close to me. I am willing to do whatever it takes, for all I want to be is happy. With all this being said (I apologize for the jumble of words), I was wondering if anyone could give me some insight/advice; tell me how you figured out your sexuality, or tell me something along the lines of what steps I should take to better understand myself. Thank you for the help! <3
hey. tbh i don’t think I’m a good example. I found out when I realised that my crushes on girls were legit, and I came to accept them. I read this comment somewhere which helped- when I look at girls, I don’t think “omg she’s so gorgeous I want to BE her”; I think “I want to BE WITH her” Dont try to put a label on how u feel just yet. go with the flow, and come into terms w how you’re feeling, try to understand and identify your most basic feelings regarding people, and yourself. don’t be in a rush to put a tag on it, or telling ur parents- I think that u will when the time is right, and when u feel comfortable enough. personally, when I told them I literally couldn’t contain myself lol. if you are sure your parents will be accepting, but you don’t yet know ur sexuality or just need more time to figure yourself out, there is no need to rush. take ur time. hope this helps♥️
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eve27279
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firstly, there’s no specific “type” of sapphic, there’s stereotypes and girls that fit w that to an extent but what i’ve come to realise is that u don’t have to feel like u have to fit in w a certain group. it’s all about feeling comfortable with yourself! i feel like i really relate to your experience a lot, i’ve been told i’m masculine and boys have never been attracted to me. but over the past few months i’ve realised that i used to wear really feminine clothes to fit in, and now i’m more comfortable with myself & i feel more liberated! there’s no steps you can take to understand yourself apart from accepting that you are unsure of yourself right now. i think it’ll come naturally once you free yourself from what you think is expected of you/ who you think you should be. i don’t understand myself fully yet either, but now i’m okay with that i feel a lot happier pm me if you wanna talk!
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eve27279
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(Original post by eve27279)
firstly, there’s no specific “type” of sapphic, there’s stereotypes and girls that fit w that to an extent but what i’ve come to realise is that u don’t have to feel like u have to fit in w a certain group. it’s all about feeling comfortable with yourself! i feel like i really relate to your experience a lot, i’ve been told i’m masculine and boys have never been attracted to me. but over the past few months i’ve realised that i used to wear really feminine clothes to fit in, and now i’m more comfortable with myself & i feel more liberated! there’s no steps you can take to understand yourself apart from accepting that you are unsure of yourself right now. i think it’ll come naturally once you free yourself from what you think is expected of you/ who you think you should be. i don’t understand myself fully yet either, but now i’m okay with that i feel a lot happier pm me if you wanna talk!
oh and also there’s a doc on google called “am i a lesbian doc” which is super useful
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Anonymous #1
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Hi! i felt the exact same when i was about 17. i had always liked guys but none of them liked me. I remember getting involved in a school play and i started to develop feelings for a girl a year younger than me. This was so scary for me bc i had never felt this way about anyone before. Luckily my friend and I both sort of said to each other that we found her attractive so we had each other to talk about things.
i thought i was a lesbian. Then i started a job and found myself becoming friends with a guy - we were super close and then we started to go out on walks and we eventually began dating. We are still together now 4 years later and very happy. I still am attracted to girls even though i am with my boyfriend.
I consider myself open to anyone as long as everyone is of age and consenting don’t put so much pressure on yourself, you like who u like. End of. If you fall in love with a man or woman or someone in between. Good luck
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FauxxHunni
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Hi! i felt the exact same when i was about 17. i had always liked guys but none of them liked me. I remember getting involved in a school play and i started to develop feelings for a girl a year younger than me. This was so scary for me bc i had never felt this way about anyone before. Luckily my friend and I both sort of said to each other that we found her attractive so we had each other to talk about things.
i thought i was a lesbian. Then i started a job and found myself becoming friends with a guy - we were super close and then we started to go out on walks and we eventually began dating. We are still together now 4 years later and very happy. I still am attracted to girls even though i am with my boyfriend.
I consider myself open to anyone as long as everyone is of age and consenting don’t put so much pressure on yourself, you like who u like. End of. If you fall in love with a man or woman or someone in between. Good luck
Thank you for the response! I totally agree with what you said. It's such a bizarre feeling because I feel like I should be straight (since I technically was for so many years) yet now I don't want to be straight. It feels like I don't want to go back. It feels so much more comfortable being attracted to women; I want a wife and I want to be happy that way. Yet I am still confused because I feel like I am not going about it the right way/I don't know what I am doing. I am trying very hard to overcome this feeling, and all these comments have helped!
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FauxxHunni
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(Original post by eve27279)
firstly, there’s no specific “type” of sapphic, there’s stereotypes and girls that fit w that to an extent but what i’ve come to realise is that u don’t have to feel like u have to fit in w a certain group. it’s all about feeling comfortable with yourself! i feel like i really relate to your experience a lot, i’ve been told i’m masculine and boys have never been attracted to me. but over the past few months i’ve realised that i used to wear really feminine clothes to fit in, and now i’m more comfortable with myself & i feel more liberated! there’s no steps you can take to understand yourself apart from accepting that you are unsure of yourself right now. i think it’ll come naturally once you free yourself from what you think is expected of you/ who you think you should be. i don’t understand myself fully yet either, but now i’m okay with that i feel a lot happier pm me if you wanna talk!
Thank you for the advice and the doc recommendation! I feel very out of control in my situation and I think that is why I am so stuck. When I think everything over, the idea of being with a woman sounds more promising and comforting to me. I've just never been with a woman/I know very little about it, so I think I may just be trying to get a hold on things. Like I said in my original post, I've tried to do research to better understand, yet it doesn't seem to help a lot and if anything makes me spiral more. It especially sucks when I feel like I can't relate to someone's experience and I begin to fear that I may not actually be what I want to be because of that. I am still trying to be reasonable about this 😅 so I use the fact that 'if it is meant to be it will be,' to give myself some stability. Thanks again for the response! It was very helpful to know I am not alone!
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FauxxHunni
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(Original post by twinklelittlstar)
hey. tbh i don’t think I’m a good example. I found out when I realised that my crushes on girls were legit, and I came to accept them. I read this comment somewhere which helped- when I look at girls, I don’t think “omg she’s so gorgeous I want to BE her”; I think “I want to BE WITH her” Dont try to put a label on how u feel just yet. go with the flow, and come into terms w how you’re feeling, try to understand and identify your most basic feelings regarding people, and yourself. don’t be in a rush to put a tag on it, or telling ur parents- I think that u will when the time is right, and when u feel comfortable enough. personally, when I told them I literally couldn’t contain myself lol. if you are sure your parents will be accepting, but you don’t yet know ur sexuality or just need more time to figure yourself out, there is no need to rush. take ur time. hope this helps♥️
Thanks for the response! I definitely have the urge to tell people! Whenever I see a woman I am attracted to I want to tell someone yet it feels like it would be awkward. Also I 100% love that comment! When I began to pay attention to my sexuality, there were times where'd I see a girl and think that I could be with them.
My main question for myself is "why didn't I know sooner?" This bothers me the most and makes me feel like I am not actually what I want to be. My entire life I have mostly been surrounded by people who were open. One of my best friends as a kid had two Mom's and I would always hang around them. I've been to the local pride parade many times. I also have visited Provincetown, MA many times and I love that place to the core. When I look at all the times I have been surrounded by the community I feel like I should have known then. Once I am in a relationship with a woman I feel like it will all make sense. This will definitely take time 😅, but it feels right.
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Jaz._bg
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Hi ! I can totally relate with your situation, I'm 17 and not many boys fancy me as I might appear tom-boyish I guess you could say but I've had a couple of experiences with guys like kissing them but in the moment I wouldn't feel any sort of attraction to them whatsoever and I genuinely thought there was something wrong with me as I wasn't really interested in them and didn't feel any sort of emotion. I guess I felt some sort of pressure to be involved with guys as it's like the 'normal' behaviour in my school but I would always feel like repulsed thinking back to the situation afterwards.

Over the lockdown I had a lot of time to reflect about myself and realised that I am a lesbian and it's honestly so liberating to finally realise. It took me such a long-time to come to terms with it because I feel like there's a lot of internalised misogyny in me that made me feel as if I had to be into guys otherwise it's a bad thing. Reading this book online called the lesbian manifesto helped me distinguish between whether I was bi-sexual or lesbian because I still like fictional men and male celebrities however I think that attraction only comes from them being 'unobtainable' but I suggest reading that and that might help you with any of your questions.

There is absolutely no need to put a label on anything but I can understand that it can be comforting to have some sort of idea. Also you should never feel pressured to come out to anyone especially if it's not safe or if you're uncomfortable. Just remember that sexuality is fluid and your preferences can change but it's nothing to worry about. If you need anyone to talk to I'm always here<3
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Reise
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Not sure if I can help at all but I can share a bit. I noticed I wasn't straight when I was 14. From the age of about 8 I knew I wanted to kiss girls and I kept thinking how could it would be if I was bisexual because then I could do that. I never had crushes on boys but I would hear who the other girls thought was cute and choose that guy to crush on. However at 14 I started noticing that I 100% was attracted to female celebrities and wanted to date them/kiss them etc. At 15 I developed a strong crush on a girl and started coming out to my friends but was really questioning if I was a lesbian or not. The biggest thing my best friend said to me was to imagine my future and who I'd be with. I absolutely could not see myself with a man at all. My plans always had me waking up in the morning to a wife and it just felt to perfect and natural to me. I was always a bit of a tomboy growing up, now I'm 24 and a bit more feminine.My advice would be to not stress over it and jump to label yourself, kinda just go with the flow
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eve27279
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(Original post by FauxxHunni)
Thank you for the advice and the doc recommendation! I feel very out of control in my situation and I think that is why I am so stuck. When I think everything over, the idea of being with a woman sounds more promising and comforting to me. I've just never been with a woman/I know very little about it, so I think I may just be trying to get a hold on things. Like I said in my original post, I've tried to do research to better understand, yet it doesn't seem to help a lot and if anything makes me spiral more. It especially sucks when I feel like I can't relate to someone's experience and I begin to fear that I may not actually be what I want to be because of that. I am still trying to be reasonable about this 😅 so I use the fact that 'if it is meant to be it will be,' to give myself some stability. Thanks again for the response! It was very helpful to know I am not alone!
No problem! I honestly relate to you a lot. I used to be so obsessive about this when I first started thinking about it last year around oct/nov and i probably don’t know a lot more than u do. I’ve had so many times where I’ve just questioned whether I’ve made it all up. Also i’ve found that accepting i find certain men attractive whether irl or on tv makes me feel a lot more at ease, even though i wouldn’t wanna act on it
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