How often are you planning to speak to your housemates over the summer?

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Anonymous #1
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Hi, I only found my housemates for next year a few months ago through a Facebook group. There’s only four of us, and the 3 of them (2 girls, 1 boy) are much closer to each other since they’ve known each other for much longer than they’ve known me (another boy).

When I first met and started seeing/ going out with them, it was great. We got on really well and I felt comfortable around them. I was generous in buying them drinks, making sure they got home safely etc. But since last week, I’ve felt a lot more distant from them. We were out last week (along with some of their friends) and they hardly spoke to me, it was as if they didn’t want me there. Now they’ve started cancelling plans, and said they’ll be in touch if they can organise new plans (which, by the sounds of things, they have no intention to).

I feel like the novelty of having me as a new housemate has worn off. Maybe they’re upset at me for some reason? Maybe they feel I’ve been too clingy? Or maybe I’m just imagining all this and none of it is valid.

Either way, I’ve organised stuff and messaged them plenty over the last few weeks. This time, I’ve left the ball in their court to reach out to me for the remaining few weeks of term. I doubt they will message me though. If this is the case, should I equally not message them over the summer? I don’t want to come across as desperate and be apart of a 1-sided friendship, but at the same time I don’t want them to feel like I don’t care for them. I don’t really know what to do.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
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Manclass98
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Could you clarify the situation further, i.e., are these people that were already living together, and you moved in with? Or is it your first year of university and you're going to be moving in with them in September? Slightly confusing
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Manclass98)
Could you clarify the situation further, i.e., are these people that were already living together, and you moved in with? Or is it your first year of university and you're going to be moving in with them in September? Slightly confusing
Yes, sorry. They are currently living together in halls . We are all in first year, going into second year. Right now, I live in different halls to them, but I will be moving into a private house in September with them.
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Manclass98
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Yes, sorry. They are currently living together in halls . We are all in first year, going into second year. Right now, I live in different halls to them, but I will be moving into a private house in September with them.
Ahh, I see!

I guess for you, it may feel like you're trying to make plans with your future housemates to avoid there being a long time of no communication, which makes total sense, considering you want to be comfortable living with them, come September.

I had a similar experience just this past academic year. I lived in halls with 11 other people, 2 of which I moved in with in my second year (2019-2020). Then covid happened; one of those girls decided to take a year out, so me and my original housemate, (E let's call her) decided to move in together again for third year. She had already decided she also wanted to live with a course-mate, someone whom I'd had very little contact with and had only met a handful of times prior to this. So, I felt I had no choice but to go along with it. In the end, I moved out in March of this year, despite the fact I still pay rent to live there technically until the end of this month.

How are you feeling about moving in with these lot? How did the situation arise where you had the chance to do so, i.e., were you just on student room-renting sites and found them, or do you know them personally? I suppose it depends really how well you know these people. Moving in with strangers can be really difficult, as students who've done this will know.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Manclass98)
Ahh, I see!

I guess for you, it may feel like you're trying to make plans with your future housemates to avoid there being a long time of no communication, which makes total sense, considering you want to be comfortable living with them, come September.

I had a similar experience just this past academic year. I lived in halls with 11 other people, 2 of which I moved in with in my second year (2019-2020). Then covid happened; one of those girls decided to take a year out, so me and my original housemate, (E let's call her) decided to move in together again for third year. She had already decided she also wanted to live with a course-mate, someone whom I'd had very little contact with and had only met a handful of times prior to this. So, I felt I had no choice but to go along with it. In the end, I moved out in March of this year, despite the fact I still pay rent to live there technically until the end of this month.

How are you feeling about moving in with these lot? How did the situation arise where you had the chance to do so, i.e., were you just on student room-renting sites and found them, or do you know them personally? I suppose it depends really how well you know these people. Moving in with strangers can be really difficult, as students who've done this will know.
I’m sorry your housing situation didn’t work out in 3rd year. Can I ask why you decided to move out?

I met them on a Facebook group specifically designed for finding housemates at my uni. They basically advertised their house, then I messaged them and we had a FaceTime meeting and introduced myself. They asked me to join them and I said yes. This was in the middle of term 2 and I was still at home. At the beginning of term 3, we went out for meals and drinks. I was seeing them on average once per week. I met some of their friends/current housemates (in their halls) and got on well with everyone. I’d thought I’d finally found a good group of friends that I was comfortable with, and I was excited to move in with them. But then, last week, they started to feel distant during a night out (basically they were hardly talking to me all night, unless I spoke to them). Then they cancelled plans to see me this week, and said they might be in touch to organise something else instead. To be fair, they are very busy over the next two weeks, so I am not expecting to see them again this term. However, now I am anxious and nervous about moving in with them because I doubt I will speak to them, let alone meet them, until we all move in in September. We aren’t really close to the point where we messaged each other every day. Normally I would check in on them a couple times a week, and organise to see them. They rarely reached out to me. But now that they’re feeling more distant, I’m beginning to wonder if I’ve been too clingy, so I’m going to give them some space (basically not message them at all unless they message me), with the hope that they will get in touch. However, I’ve been really nervous the past few days that now they don’t like me for whatever reason (since they were distant and have cancelled plans).

Also, these guys are really my only friends, which exacerbates my fear of losing them. As a result, I think I may be taking things too personally. They are busy, so maybe it’s not that they don’t like me/want to live with me, but more so that they’re preoccupied with their current housemates and friends. If that’s the case, you’d at least expect them to say hi to me over the holidays. However, I have this dreaded feeling that they won’t do that.

This is getting quite complicated lol so I’ll try to sum it up.

Ultimately, I feel like I have upset my friends (whom I’ve only known a few months) who I will be living with next year. I feel like my efforts to make plans and spend time with them are not being reciprocated, and as a result, I’m not going to message them over the holidays like some clingy friend. As far as I’m concerned, it’s up to them to reach out to me if they value our friendship. At the same time, I’m worried that they will see this as ME not being the one making an effort, creating more distance between us and a very tense flat for next year.
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Manclass98
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I’m sorry your housing situation didn’t work out in 3rd year. Can I ask why you decided to move out?

I met them on a Facebook group specifically designed for finding housemates at my uni. They basically advertised their house, then I messaged them and we had a FaceTime meeting and introduced myself. They asked me to join them and I said yes. This was in the middle of term 2 and I was still at home. At the beginning of term 3, we went out for meals and drinks. I was seeing them on average once per week. I met some of their friends/current housemates (in their halls) and got on well with everyone. I’d thought I’d finally found a good group of friends that I was comfortable with, and I was excited to move in with them. But then, last week, they started to feel distant during a night out (basically they were hardly talking to me all night, unless I spoke to them). Then they cancelled plans to see me this week, and said they might be in touch to organise something else instead. To be fair, they are very busy over the next two weeks, so I am not expecting to see them again this term. However, now I am anxious and nervous about moving in with them because I doubt I will speak to them, let alone meet them, until we all move in in September. We aren’t really close to the point where we messaged each other every day. Normally I would check in on them a couple times a week, and organise to see them. They rarely reached out to me. But now that they’re feeling more distant, I’m beginning to wonder if I’ve been too clingy, so I’m going to give them some space (basically not message them at all unless they message me), with the hope that they will get in touch. However, I’ve been really nervous the past few days that now they don’t like me for whatever reason (since they were distant and have cancelled plans).

Also, these guys are really my only friends, which exacerbates my fear of losing them. As a result, I think I may be taking things too personally. They are busy, so maybe it’s not that they don’t like me/want to live with me, but more so that they’re preoccupied with their current housemates and friends. If that’s the case, you’d at least expect them to say hi to me over the holidays. However, I have this dreaded feeling that they won’t do that.

This is getting quite complicated lol so I’ll try to sum it up.

Ultimately, I feel like I have upset my friends (whom I’ve only known a few months) who I will be living with next year. I feel like my efforts to make plans and spend time with them are not being reciprocated, and as a result, I’m not going to message them over the holidays like some clingy friend. As far as I’m concerned, it’s up to them to reach out to me if they value our friendship. At the same time, I’m worried that they will see this as ME not being the one making an effort, creating more distance between us and a very tense flat for next year.
Not complicated at all, you’re entitled to feel how you do, and rightly so.

It could be a mixture of both, really. Uni mates generally don’t see or speak over summer anyway (in my case, I didn’t see any of my course mates, and the few months that I was living at home last year, I didn’t see my housemates at all). I guess COVID was a major part of that, but even so, our written communication was also limited. I totally get your concerns though, especially as you don’t want to end up feeling lonely in a house with people who are supposed to be your friends, I can empathise with that completely.
If I were you, I’d maybe leave it a couple weeks to see if they reach out to you. If they don’t, I’d give them a group message so they’re all on the same level and just express your concerns. Likelihood is, they aren’t making plans to see each other either over summer, and will be more than accommodating to your worries.

In relation to why I moved - I just found myself becoming increasingly distant from both of my housemates. I was already finding my dissertation and other assignments tough. I was working part time, coming home and straight into my room, didn’t speak to them for days at a time at one point. Meanwhile, they would frequent each other's’ rooms, watch TV and cook together, go out shopping, etc. I perhaps could’ve made more effort to speak to them during that period, but it was always really awkward considering they would huddle up in a bedroom, and not a communal area like the living room. Very awks vibe basically.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Manclass98)
Not complicated at all, you’re entitled to feel how you do, and rightly so.

It could be a mixture of both, really. Uni mates generally don’t see or speak over summer anyway (in my case, I didn’t see any of my course mates, and the few months that I was living at home last year, I didn’t see my housemates at all). I guess COVID was a major part of that, but even so, our written communication was also limited. I totally get your concerns though, especially as you don’t want to end up feeling lonely in a house with people who are supposed to be your friends, I can empathise with that completely.
If I were you, I’d maybe leave it a couple weeks to see if they reach out to you. If they don’t, I’d give them a group message so they’re all on the same level and just express your concerns. Likelihood is, they aren’t making plans to see each other either over summer, and will be more than accommodating to your worries.

In relation to why I moved - I just found myself becoming increasingly distant from both of my housemates. I was already finding my dissertation and other assignments tough. I was working part time, coming home and straight into my room, didn’t speak to them for days at a time at one point. Meanwhile, they would frequent each other's’ rooms, watch TV and cook together, go out shopping, etc. I perhaps could’ve made more effort to speak to them during that period, but it was always really awkward considering they would huddle up in a bedroom, and not a communal area like the living room. Very awks vibe basically.
Hmmm yes that seems like good advice. I think I’m gonna try and put it out of my mind as much as I can and focus on myself over the summer. If I feel up to it, I’ll drop them a message. One of them has a birthday in August, so that might be a good opportunity. We aren’t THAT close, so I don’t really wanna make a deal of it. I think expressing my concerns right now might come across as, idk, creepy? Trying to see it from their perspective, some guy you’ve seen in person maybe 10 times in your life has been anxious because you haven’t messaged him for 2 or 3 months? If I turn up in September and I still feel distant from them, that’s when I think I’ll bring it up with them. Luckily for me, I live local to my uni so I can live at home and commute to uni without any hassle really. So that escape button exists. My biggest demon will be trying to rid myself of this underlying anxiety and the worrisome thoughts always lingering in the back of my mind. But I suppose that’s a me problem. Talking to them now might help with that, but it might also worsen it.

Yeah I can see how uncomfortable that would’ve been. I hope you’re doing better now. The situation you described is basically what I fear will happen in my house. Especially since the other guy has a girlfriend so atm isn’t spending much time with the other 2 girls (whereas when he was single, he was inseparable from the girls, or so I’ve been told). He only got with his girlfriend just as I joined the party, so I kinda walked into a group that already had some tension unrelated to me. But yeah, my plan is to turn up in September, be civil with them. Make some new friends. Cook and look after myself, be tidy, be helpful, give them nothing to complain about really. And I guess we’ll see how the situation unfolds. We might get on great, or we might all retreat to our bedrooms. Who knows.

Thank you for your words. You’ve been really caring and understanding. I appreciate it ❤️
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Manclass98
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Hmmm yes that seems like good advice. I think I’m gonna try and put it out of my mind as much as I can and focus on myself over the summer. If I feel up to it, I’ll drop them a message. One of them has a birthday in August, so that might be a good opportunity. We aren’t THAT close, so I don’t really wanna make a deal of it. I think expressing my concerns right now might come across as, idk, creepy? Trying to see it from their perspective, some guy you’ve seen in person maybe 10 times in your life has been anxious because you haven’t messaged him for 2 or 3 months? If I turn up in September and I still feel distant from them, that’s when I think I’ll bring it up with them. Luckily for me, I live local to my uni so I can live at home and commute to uni without any hassle really. So that escape button exists. My biggest demon will be trying to rid myself of this underlying anxiety and the worrisome thoughts always lingering in the back of my mind. But I suppose that’s a me problem. Talking to them now might help with that, but it might also worsen it.

Yeah I can see how uncomfortable that would’ve been. I hope you’re doing better now. The situation you described is basically what I fear will happen in my house. Especially since the other guy has a girlfriend so atm isn’t spending much time with the other 2 girls (whereas when he was single, he was inseparable from the girls, or so I’ve been told). He only got with his girlfriend just as I joined the party, so I kinda walked into a group that already had some tension unrelated to me. But yeah, my plan is to turn up in September, be civil with them. Make some new friends. Cook and look after myself, be tidy, be helpful, give them nothing to complain about really. And I guess we’ll see how the situation unfolds. We might get on great, or we might all retreat to our bedrooms. Who knows.

Thank you for your words. You’ve been really caring and understanding. I appreciate it ❤️
I really highly doubt what happened to me will resinate with you in September, there were several issues beforehand that didn’t help! But also when you do move in, just make as much outward effort to get to know them all properly, and to speak to them equally. That’ll definitely make a difference. But good luck, enjoy the next two years of uni and what it will bring!!
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Thisismyunitsr
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I’ll be surprised if any of my friends interact with me over the summer
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