foreverrocking
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#1
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#1
How do I make this piece of writing better?
It was a summer evening, as I gazed my head upwards ,slowly, the sky showed off its artists trickery:cobalt blue depth, azure outlines to the few white clouds that rippled in an endless descent into the depth of the sky, a sapphire halo around sun in the corner emitted a gradient of fuchsia pink , a radiance that would have mesmerized any passerby. Small mountains shyly lay their bodies on the grainy sand,resting after the blazing sun had drained them of water.The sun was nowhere to be seen yet I could feel a cold, fierce breeze caressed my skin like someone had run there cold fingers down my spine, sending shivers of shock waves to my alert senses.
Whoosh!
Darkness slowly captured the enlightening sky and the air cooled down from the morning sun that had made the air thick to the point that my lungs were starved of oxygen.Tiredness had struck me that I could feel each muscle vibrating with pain ,a dull aching pain that seemed to have no cure for ;my body had thinned down that it looked like a mere skeleton on the verge of death.
Whoosh!
Time was endless each day the same thing happened over and over again to the point that I lost myself,lost how many days, months and years I have been seeing the same sunset over and over again, lost if I am living reality or just secretly hoping that this all a terrible nightmare that would be over soon.My mind was empty as I was only a small man that had wondered on this desert,stuck on the vast grains of sand; my life was just slowly disappearing like the dust itself, then only to become another figure on the charts, forgotten if I had even existed
Whoosh!
My mouth was dry,as once I could experience the full range of taste: sweet,sour and bitterness now all that was left was a rubbery ,lifeless slug that had begged for someone to water it and replenish it with life. Hunger boiled in my stomach as I could feel the acid burn my the lining of my esophagus,erupted like a raging volcano that would scar anyone who would dare to touch it.The sand beneath my bare feet was cool to touch which had brought me a sense of comfort,tickling the underside with each and every step to escape that I took.The only companion that I had left was this glowing lamp that radiated a spark of hope and warmth inside of my like I could feel my family beside me,telling me that there would be a way out,telling me that I would stay alive to tell the tale.
Last edited by foreverrocking; 1 month ago
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foreverrocking
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This is the image that the writing is based of
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foreverrocking
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#3
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(Original post by foreverrocking)
How do I make this piece of writing better?
It was a summer evening,as I gazed my head upwards ,slowly, the sky showed off its artists trickery:cobalt blue depth, azure outlines to the few white clouds that rippled in an endless descent into the depth of the sky, a sapphire halo around sun in the corner emitted a gradient of fuchsia pink , a radiance that would have mesmerized any passerby. Small mountains shyly lay their bodies on the grainy sand,resting after the blazing sun had drained them of water.The sun was nowhere to be seen yet I could feel a cold, fierce breeze caressed my skin like someone had run there cold fingers down my spine, sending shivers of shock waves to my alert senses.
Whoosh!
Darkness slowly captured the enlightening sky and the air cooled down from the morning sun that had made the air thick to the point that my lungs were starved of oxygen.Tiredness had struck me that I could feel each muscle vibrating with pain ,a dull aching pain that seemed to have no cure for ;my body had thinned down that it looked like a mere skeleton on the verge of death.
Whoosh!
Time was endless each day the same thing happened over and over again to the point that I lost myself,lost how many days, months and years I have been seeing the same sunset over and over again, lost if I am living reality or just secretly hoping that this all a terrible nightmare that would be over soon.My mind was empty as I was only a small man that had wondered on this desert,stuck on the vast grains of sand; my life was just slowly disappearing like the dust itself, then only to become another figure on the charts, forgotten if I had even existed
Whoosh!
My mouth was dry,as once I could experience the full range of taste: sweet,sour and bitterness now all that was left was a rubbery ,lifeless slug that had begged for someone to water it and replenish it with life. Hunger boiled in my stomach as I could feel the acid burn my the lining of my esophagus,erupted like a raging volcano that would scar anyone who would dare to touch it.The sand beneath my bare feet was cool to touch which had brought me a sense of comfort,tickling the underside with each and every step to escape that I took.The only companion that I had left was this glowing lamp that radiated a spark of hope and warmth inside of my like I could feel my family beside me,telling me that there would be a way out,telling me that I would stay alive to tell the tale.
(Original post by foreverrocking)
This is the image that the writing is based of
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emptyteeth
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#4
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Too many commas, and too few sentences. This is a large body of writing, and is difficult to read. Break up the sentences, write clearer. You go in and out of writing colloquially. Whatever mood you want the writing to be, keep it consistent. You should also revise your use of punctuation. Other than that, you have good ideas and a great sense of story. The writing reads better as a script; despite everything I've mentioned there's an ironic fluidity to it.
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foreverrocking
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#5
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From the corner of my eye, the sun dripped warmth like hot wax, both soothing and smarting the people sat on the sandy beach. The land glowed with light .The golden hue that reflected endlessly on the slow waters. The beach almost gnawed at the sandy shore, releasing and coming back in a rhythmic pattern. As the salty sea touched my skin, it burnt like my legs were on fire.
Small mountains lay their heads peacefully, tired from the ongoing blistering heat from the sun. Gently, little birds flew over these dips in a curvy motion and enjoying the winds caressing their feathers .Felt like floating on top of the world like they are superior to any being on this floating rock. Sweet and soothing, the song of the bird echoed for infinity, almost soothing me from the inner turmoil that had contained inside, making me put a weak but happy smile on my face.
People sat on the beach and enjoyed watching beauty of sapphire blue oceans . Mostly, couples that have been in love for an eternity, thinking that they never would be apart as their bonds between them would keep them together forever. How they looked at each others eyes mesmerized me, wrapped their hands perfectly, like their souls were intertwining with each other and, just enjoyed the presence of one another. Love: something I too thought I had, something I too thought I would never lose.

Memories slowly poured in like the sea coming ahead of me. The memories that I thought would be an eternity. Then only to turn dark and become a gaping hole inside of my heart that would be never filled.My heart shattered into a million pieces every time that I thought about it, never to be able to piece together again. I still remember how her pink, supple lips playfully caressed mine, staring into those bright blue eyes that beloved me and my body. Conversations with her flowed like the motion of calming seas they were never forced,just a natural connection we had that made us comfortable with one another .
I still remember the day she left me:how her eyes looked hollow and filled with a burning rage everytime she saw.Someting about me,which I don’t know what,made her loathe me and feel disgusted by.She threw me out like I meant nothing over one sentence that still is etched inside of my heart “Lets end it”. She threw out the three years of memories that we had built together like another one night stand, left me on my own with my broken heart for someone else.Possibly I didn’t mean as much to her as she did to me. Possibly it was for the better to make us both happy

Whoosh!

Reality crept on me. This girl wont even remember me.She would have forgotten the days that we spend hours talking under the moonlight and how eyes watched mine.The way she held onto my arms so tightly like I was her protector Why was I crying over a person that, doesn’t even miss and chose to leave me, despite telling me they love me forever. I guess that was the beauty of life. Someone you thought would be in your life forever-creating a family together may not even truly love you, and a person that you never thought you would love may be your next life partner. Let life be life like the waters in the sea, let it decide its path for itself, and don’t force anything.

A couple of hours had passed, and the sky showed off its artist’s trickery: cobalt blue depths, azure outlines to the few sleeping white clouds, a sapphire halo glowed around the sun, emitting a beautiful radiance. The silence was prevalent as the people had left to go home but comfortable as it brought peace to me. Looking around, the birds had gone to sleep, and winds calmed,
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foreverrocking
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#6
Report Thread starter 4 weeks ago
#6
(Original post by foreverrocking)
From the corner of my eye, the sun dripped warmth like hot wax, both soothing and smarting the people sat on the sandy beach. The land glowed with light .The golden hue that reflected endlessly on the slow waters. The beach almost gnawed at the sandy shore, releasing and coming back in a rhythmic pattern. As the salty sea touched my skin, it burnt like my legs were on fire.
Small mountains lay their heads peacefully, tired from the ongoing blistering heat from the sun. Gently, little birds flew over these dips in a curvy motion and enjoying the winds caressing their feathers .Felt like floating on top of the world like they are superior to any being on this floating rock. Sweet and soothing, the song of the bird echoed for infinity, almost soothing me from the inner turmoil that had contained inside, making me put a weak but happy smile on my face.
People sat on the beach and enjoyed watching beauty of sapphire blue oceans . Mostly, couples that have been in love for an eternity, thinking that they never would be apart as their bonds between them would keep them together forever. How they looked at each others eyes mesmerized me, wrapped their hands perfectly, like their souls were intertwining with each other and, just enjoyed the presence of one another. Love: something I too thought I had, something I too thought I would never lose.

Memories slowly poured in like the sea coming ahead of me. The memories that I thought would be an eternity. Then only to turn dark and become a gaping hole inside of my heart that would be never filled.My heart shattered into a million pieces every time that I thought about it, never to be able to piece together again. I still remember how her pink, supple lips playfully caressed mine, staring into those bright blue eyes that beloved me and my body. Conversations with her flowed like the motion of calming seas they were never forced,just a natural connection we had that made us comfortable with one another .
I still remember the day she left me:how her eyes looked hollow and filled with a burning rage everytime she saw.Someting about me,which I don’t know what,made her loathe me and feel disgusted by.She threw me out like I meant nothing over one sentence that still is etched inside of my heart “Lets end it”. She threw out the three years of memories that we had built together like another one night stand, left me on my own with my broken heart for someone else.Possibly I didn’t mean as much to her as she did to me. Possibly it was for the better to make us both happy

Whoosh!

Reality crept on me. This girl wont even remember me.She would have forgotten the days that we spend hours talking under the moonlight and how eyes watched mine.The way she held onto my arms so tightly like I was her protector Why was I crying over a person that, doesn’t even miss and chose to leave me, despite telling me they love me forever. I guess that was the beauty of life. Someone you thought would be in your life forever-creating a family together may not even truly love you, and a person that you never thought you would love may be your next life partner. Let life be life like the waters in the sea, let it decide its path for itself, and don’t force anything.

A couple of hours had passed, and the sky showed off its artist’s trickery: cobalt blue depths, azure outlines to the few sleeping white clouds, a sapphire halo glowed around the sun, emitting a beautiful radiance. The silence was prevalent as the people had left to go home but comfortable as it brought peace to me. Looking around, the birds had gone to sleep, and winds calmed,
Is this any better the picture is based on a beach
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